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16.12.11 0711
The 7 - Pro Wrestling - Unforgiven and Mizzre!
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Hot Newz
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#1 Posted on 18.9.05 0900.06
Reposted on: 18.9.12 0903.22
OMG I am back wiht more Hot Newz! And the big news this week is that the WWE is puting on a special THREE FUCKIN' HOUR Raw is War to celebrate there move back to da USA Network! It will be a special "Night of the chimpions" which will see appeareances by Old Stone Cold, Mick Foley, that fuckface Hulk Hogan, Vince McMahon (champion of business men!), The Rock(!), "Macho Man" Randy Savage(!!!), The Honky Tonk Man(!!!!!!!!!!!11) and of course the return of Triple H who will be on last! Vince will say that there's been a vote to determine the greatest champeon of them all and now he'll name the winner and Ric Flair's music will hit! Then Flair will come out and Vince will shake his old wrinkled hand and Flair will say "thank you! It's my honor and my privledge to recieve this award..." and Vince will hand him the trophy " receive this award...WOOOO!...and present it to the winner, Triple H!" and give hunter the trophy! And there will also be a surprise apperance by Goldberg who will run in and spear Rob Conway and say "one more body on the pile!" then just walk away and teh announcers won't even mention that it happened and he'll never bee seen agayne. It'll be a grizzeat show!

WWE has forced Justin Incredible and THe Dudley Boyz to change their names! Justin will now by know as Joe King and will be a lovable prankster (with a hidden darkside!) and the Dudleyz will now be know as The Woodies! WWE is also forcing AJ Styles to change his name! AJ wrestled as a jobber for the WWE against Hurricane on Sunday night Heat one time four years ago so that means they have the copywright to his name! He will now be known as JA Styles. At least, until he realizes that "JA" sounds a bit like "gay!" (he's a raging homophobe!)

Kenny Kennedy is getting da big midcard push as the number three heel (behind JBL and Randy Orton) on Friday Smackdown! Christian was going to get this big push until someone noticed that Kennedy was slightly taller so they gave it to him instead. And his gimmick will be evolved so that soon he'll be doing his own COMMENTERY during matches! He'll wear a headset in his matchs and call every move and if the headset falls off the referee will stop the match until he gets it back on again!

Brook Lesnar is going to Japan to wrestle in Japan! Brock FAILED at being a football and FAILED at getting WWE to sign him at five millions a year for working one day a week but he's confident that he'll SUCEED at dropping Japanese wrestler on there heads! The Japanese promoters have given in to ALL of Brock's ridikulous demands (ten bowls of green M&Ms in every room in the arena and he doesn't even eat any of them!) because they are DESPERATE to have an American star on their shows because lets face it, they can't get very many fans going just to see Japanese guys wrestle! I mean, if they were any good they'd be wrestling in American like Tajiiri and Funaki and Gail Kim! And maybe he'll also dump Sable and marry a hot asian 17 year old Japanese schoolgirl who wears big socks that go up to her knees like they have. I know I would!

Daniel Puder and his ass got fizzired! U might remember Puder (but probably not!) as the smartass Tuff Enuff contestant who decided to go into business for himself and shoot fight Kurt Angle LIVE on SD last years! It all backfired on the cocky cock spectacularly when Angle EASILY pinned his shoulders to the mat without breaking a sweat or even being in trouble nad humilated his punk ass! Puder won Tuff Enuff when he beat The Mizz in a WORKED boxing match but then he got his ass kicked by Hardcore Holly at teh Royal Rumble and hasnt shown his coward face again! WWE has finally seen since and FIREd him from his million dollar contract and he wont ever get his million dollars just two hundred and fifty thousand and my dad makes more than that in a year and I make nearly as much what a looser! Maybe he can from a tag team in the indies with that guy from the first Tuff Enuff who screwed Nidia in the hot tub, lol

TNA is moving to Spiked TV! And as predicted (BY ME!) Jeff Jarrett has beaten Raven for the NWA title! The first show on Spiked will start with an interview with Jarrett to introduce new viewers to the TNA product and it will be a special SHOOT interview scripted by Vince Russo one time only! And I managed to get my hands on teh transcript (well, it's in my email box but if I could touch it I would!) and here it is in full!

"Hello grappling fans. I'm sure you recognise me as Jeff Jarrett, the greatest intercontinental champion of ALL time. You also no doubt remember me as the world champion in WCW, at one time the number one wrestling promotion in the world. I'm here today to introduce you to the new face of professional wrestling, NWA: TNA! That's Total Non Stop Action and I can assure you folks, the action is total and it don't stop for nothin' or nobody, not even the federal government if you know what I mean! As you can see from the belt sitting beside me, I am quite rightly the NWA world heavyweight champion of the world. The NWA title is the oldest title in wrestling, going all the way back to the days of Abraham Lincoln, Ed Strangler Lewis and Gotch Gracie. I won this title from Raven, but I'm going to let you guys in on a secret. I didn't REALLY win it, I just BOOKED myself to win the belt! That's right, I have the book! You all know what that means! You see, every single last one of you must have read on the internet how I was held down in the WWF, how old Stone Cold wouldn't job to me! But now it's payback time! I won't job this belt! No, director, I won't stop! The director's telling me to stop but I'm SHOOTING here folks! My match with Raven was a work, and if anyone wants to take this belt from me they'll have to do it for REAL in a REAL MATCH not like those FAKE matches WWE puts on and if Triple H and The Rock and that son of a bitch Hulk Hogan want to fight me for this belt for real they can do it! I'll stop when I'm ready to stop, mister director! I'm breaking kayfabe now and in the ring I'll break bones! Wait, what are you doing? Put that gun down! Put it down you bastard....NOOOOOO!" then you see the director coming at him with a gun and Jarrett dives behind a table and the camera cuts out but then you hear a shot go off and the director saying "OH NO, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS LOADED!"

OMG, that's bound to appeal to new fans and get mainstream attention!!!!!!!!!!!111

Notes from the Ross Report!

- Big Show is really fucking big, dood!
- JR hopes some sports team beat some other sportz team at some sport!
- JR thinks it about damn time the cruiserweights got more tv time but he isn't actually going to do anything about it himself!

Unforgiven is this Sunday and of course it's going to suck! But it wouldnt suck if I was booking it because I would book it for the FANZ on the internet, all sensibily and stuff!! So let's look at what SHOULD happen (how I'd bizzook it!) and what WILL happen (how THEY'LL bizzook it)!

Shelton Benjamin versus Kerwinn Wight

What should happen: Shelton pins him in five minutes with an EXTRA RARE T-Bone. Then Kerwin says "that's it, I'm Chavo Guerrero again, get me a burrito!" and burns his middle class cothes!

What WILL happn: Kerwin wins with his feet on the ropes. Then afterwards Kerwin says "Okay, I admit it now, I'm not white at all! I am, in fact...BLACK!" then he takes and afro wig out from under the ring and puts it on and one of those giant ghetto blasters people had in the eighties playing hip hop music and starts breakdancing! And Shelton rolls his eyes and takes him under his wing to teach him how to be black.

Teh Hurricane and Rosey versus Those Two Cowboy Guys

What should hizzappen: The cowboy guys win clean with some kewl new double team move and Hurricane and Rosie ditch the super hero gimmicks and get serious in an attempt to win back the belts.

What will hizzappen: The retarded looking cowboy hits Hurricane with a horse shoe then hides it between his buttcheeks!

Trish Stratus and Ashley versus Torrie Wilson and Victoria

What I'd do: Ashley takes a beating from Torrie and Victoria but eventually makes the tag. Right away, Trish hit hers with a chick kick! Trish takes the mic and says "Did you really think I'd help soem Diva Search WHORE?" then Torrie takes out a can of whipped cream, then the lights go out. When they come back on, Ashley is totally naked with only whipped cream covering her private areas! Then Trish makes out with Torrie, Victoria and that ugly Candice girl and says "let's go girls, time to eat whipped cream off each other's bodies and show the footage on RAW tomorrow night!"

What they'd would do: Trish does an interview beforehand where she says "When I was injured, I spent all my time watching the Diva Search on RAW and I really got behind Ashley! She's so perky and has a slightly unique look and it's not at all annoying how she laughs all the time! I fully endorse her WWE career!" Then Trish pins Victoria to win and hugs Ashley afterwards but they dont kiss or anything and even if they DO there's no tongue it's just a quick peck.

Big Show versus Snitsky

What should happen: Big Show chokeslams him threw the ring in five seconds!

What shouldn't happen but will: Big Show is doing that move where he chokes his opponent with his foot in the corner, but Snitsky quickly unties Show's shoelaces and throws the boot away then starts sucking Big Show's big stinky foot! And JR says "GOOD GAWD, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT WITH MY OWN EYES IF I HADN'T SEEN IT FOR MYSELF! SNITSKY'S VILE FOOT FETISH HAS GOTTEN OUT OF ALL CONTROL!" And Show is into it!

Ric Flair versus Carlito

What I'd do happen: Carlito wins after ten minutes of hard thought action with his patented finisher: the roll-up~!

What they'll do happen: Flair wins after 25 minutes of boring action with the figure four which Carlito taps out to after three seconds EVEN THOUGH when Flair's a heel he never wins with it and it's an insult to our intelligence! Then Flair does a Flair flop.

Matt Hardy versus Edge (with sexy Lita!)

WHat I'd do: Matt his a twist of fate from the top of the cage to the floor and pins Edge there (for some reason!) to finally end the feud and move on with his life.

What htey'll do: Matt is about to go through the door to win when Lita steps in the way and says "wait a minute Matt, I'm serious Matt, I have to say this Matt...I still love you! Come back to me, Matt, we'll be together forever!" and Matt is overjoyed and skips towards the door to be with Lita but she slams it right in his face and coldly says "I faked every orgasm" and Edge wins. Then Edge and Lita continue to double team Matt who is too busy crying to even fight back until KANE comes out and they run away to set up Matt and Kane versus Edge and Lita for the next YEAR.

Shawn Micahales versus Chris Masters

What should do: Masters puts Shawn in da Master Lock. Shawn fights it for a couple of minute, but eventually you hear a pop and the referee shouts "WE GOT A DISLOCATED NECK HERE!" and Masters wins. Thent he EMTs have to pop Shawn's neck back into place and they carry him away on a stetcher but then a guy dressed as Hulk Hogan jumps the barricade and tips the stretcher over! Hogan takes his mask off and underneath he's...Marty Jannety! And this sets up the feud the internet's been dying to see for decades!

What they do: Shawn is in the Master Lock for about five minutes but then he POWERS OUT even though he's a skinny 40+ year old and hits the superkick for the win! Then he keeps crossing himself and bowing down on the ground for another five minutes while Masters just lies there seemingly dead!

John Cena versus Kurt Angle

What should happen: Cena is being cheered by all the screechy children and girls but the men in the audience drown them out by chanting for Angle! Then when Cena goes for the shitty five nipple snuffle or whatever, Angle just grabs his ankle and puts him in the anklelock! Cena taps out but Angle ain't thru! He puts a chair around Cena's ankle then does a graceful moonsault onto it and you hear a pop (use a different pop sound effect from Micheals/Masters.) And Cena takes six months off to learn how to wrestle and if he doesnt improve he gets fired!

What will happen: Cena hits all his GAY offensive (to my eyes!) moves like the hiptoss and fistdrop and the gayest of the gay the FU while all the little kids and girls screech like gay babies and Cena wins then he invites all the little girls and boys intot he ring with him and they sing nursery rhymes (Cena's raps) together and I throw up all over our cat!

As you can seen my booking is teh bestestest EVAR and if you ain't down with that shizzle I'll take a whizzle on your fazzizzle! Back soon with meor Hot NEwz, doods!!!!~~~!'1'sex


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#2 Posted on 18.9.05 1010.14
Reposted on: 18.9.12 1017.02
Tremendous stuff as usual, and I like Newz's booking for the women's match. I know that I would order THAT replay.
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#3 Posted on 19.9.05 1212.29
Reposted on: 19.9.12 1213.01
Brilliant, as always. I think the only thing funnier than that would be your review of the card :-)
Lap cheong
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#4 Posted on 19.9.05 1256.53
Reposted on: 19.9.12 1258.56
Okay, from JA Styles to the Ross Report to the Unforgiven predictions, this was the greatest read ever. Good job.
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#5 Posted on 19.9.05 1321.38
Reposted on: 19.9.12 1322.19
What's sad is that he actually predicted the finish to the Flair/Carlito match.
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#6 Posted on 19.9.05 1925.08
Reposted on: 19.9.12 1925.08
Knowing the way they book Cena matches, I feel sorry for his cat. Funny, funny stuff.
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