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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - Finally back with more Hot Newz!
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Hot Newz
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#1 Posted on 31.8.05 1819.11
Reposted on: 31.8.12 1819.31
OMG I am bizzack with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that I am bizzack with more Hot Newz! I have been gone for over a year because over a year ago my computer caught fire and blew up! And it might have been because I had too much pr0n (all lesbian, naturaly!) on it, who knows! While my computer was down I spent a lot of tizzime with my new girlfiend and we got ups to lots of fun and (sex) games so I didnt mind being offline AT ALL but I betcha all mizzissed me!!! So dont worry becauzse I'm back now to shine the torch of truth and newz onto dark places on the internet and I can asure you it's a bright torch!! Brighter than the sun!!!!

Brett Harts DVD is cuming and it's going to be the best DVD since sliced bread! It will have a five hour interview with Brett wich will include 30 minutes about his early years, 30 minutes about him at the top of the WWF, 2 hours and 59 minutes about the Montreal screwjob and one minute about his WCW career and Aladdin acting role and beyond! It will also include 37 "hidden gem" matchs with the likez off: Ricky Steamboa, Andre The Giant, Koko B. Ware, Donkey Kong Bundy and Dean Malenko's dead daddy (before he died!)

Torrie Wilson is now a heel on RAW and is hot again! This maens that RAW has heel Torrie, heel Lita, heel Victoria and heel Trish all on the one show, which means teh chances of them having a HEEL LESBIAN SEXUAL ORGY are higher than EVER!!!

When I called up the WWE to tell them I'm back, they IMMEDATIETLY comped my free tickets to the Smackdown tapings in THE PEPSI ARENA as a thank you! And here are the DETELLED results written first hand by my hand and viewed first hand by my eyes!

First was a dark match between a tall muscular guy in green tights and a short hairy guy in jeans! And the tall muscular guy one with a spinebuster so look out for him in the future because I've got a feeling he could be a star of the future in the future and you heard it here first!

Next was time for Velocity so I spent most of it checking out the TATS (tits) of the girl sitting next to me and they were HYOOGE! Hollywood Nova versus Simon Dean was the first match! And Nova did lots of kewl Indy moves that he invented like the shining wizard and the firemans carry, but Simon came back with lots of kewl fitness moves that he invinted like the press-up choke and the sit-up...choke! But then the Blue Meanie ran in through the crowd right past me and grabbed a mike and said "Vince, why won't you return my calls!? Do I have a job or not!?" but secuirty tazered him so I dont know if it was a worked shoot or a shoot shoot or what but it's the Blue Meanie so who cares! And Simon won.

Paul Londan versus Stevie Richards was da next mizzatch. Stevie won(!) with the Steviekick but then afterwards Paul London continued his heel turn by saying "I got screwed! You all saw that! I can't believe this bullspit! I'm going to call the president of the United States and complain!" and then he pulled a cell phone out of his tights and said "Hello, Mister President? I got screwed! Do something about it, you ninny! I...what do you mean this is Pizza Hut? Even the phone company's screwing me! AAARGH!" and he ran away! What a heel!

Kenny Kennyson versus Fuaki was next and I took one look at this match and said "I DON'T THINK SO, MUTHFUCKA!" So I went to the concession stand which was right next to my seat anyway so I didnt even have to walk far unlike the other loosers and I asked the vender for a Captain Charisma t-shirt but he said "sorry, we don't have them no more!" and I was shocked and apalled! then he said we do have a new Christian t-shirt so I as happy then he showed me it and it had "CLB" on the front and "I HATE CHRSTIAN AND HOPE HE LOSES!" on the back! And I was disgusted because I love Christian like everyone on the internet does so I bought one but BURNED it when I got home! And Funaki won.

Now it was time for the first evar FRIDAY NITE Smackdown! It started with Teddy Long standing backstage! "Holla holla, playa playas!" he said! Then Teddy said that because this is the first Friday Nite Smackdown they need hight ratings or the network will cancel them so he's shaking the show up! And one of the things he's done is set up a mirror backstage for wrestlers to talk into! Then he showed the mirror! And it was reflective! I have to say, I can't remember this ever being done in the WWE before!

First mmatch was Scotty The Hotty versus the new British comer Berchill who is friends with William Regal! Regal took the mike to introduce his friend to the captive audience! "Now then, you young scallywags, I suppose you're all wondering in your feeble little minds just who the large chap with the violent demeanour standing beside me is! Well you miserable little toerags, this is my old drinking buddy from England Berchill and he's a soccer hooligan, so you better watch yourself or he'll give you all a bloody good thrashing!" And then Berchill took a soccer ball out of his tights and kicked it right into the third row where I was sitting into the face of the boy who was sitting beside me! And the boy's nose started bleeding and I didn't even see him blade! And then during the match Regal distracted the ref by taking a tea pot out from under teh ring and drinking tea and Burchell hit Scotty right in the face with the soccer ball then hit a spinebuster for da big upset win and Regal was like "splendid!"

Backstage, Booker T and Sharmall T are looking in the mirror Teddy set up and Sharmall was wearing leather pants and her hair was a huge afro now. And Booker said "well lookee here, Booker T and his ladee, looking in a mirror on a Friday night and liking what they see! It don't get no better than this and there ain't no stopping us now...SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" And that was the only time they were on the show.

And then the Mexicools came out and they all looked high and lazy as usual but then that Network Guy came out and said "Listen up you Mexicans BASTARDS! The Network doesn't want people like your on our show! You promote NEGATIVE stereotypes of Mexican people and we don't like that! We're trying to reach out to the Mexican demographic! So how about the three of your swim back over the border back to the shithole you came from and leave America for the Americans!" so we cheered becasue we thought the Network guy was a face now. Then he says "And now introducing MY new tag team who will take you wetbacks out...Quality Control!" and Hassan and Davari came out in suits!! Hassan said "The Network has taught me to love my country and I'm going to fight for American kicking foreigners out!" Then Davari said the same thing but in Hindu or whatever language he speaks. And Quality Control won with a double spinebuster to a MIXED reaction (some people reacted, most didnt).

Then backstage JBL is looking in the mirror because he LOVES himself and Orlanda Jordan comes up and says "I won't screw up tonight and lose to Benoit in 25 seconds again!" JBL says "you better not, or else your ass is fired! Hohohoho!"

So it was time for Benoit versus Orlando aned I was excited about seeing the world's best wrestler in action and I'm NOT talking about Jordan (I'm talking about Benoit)! Orlando ran right down the asile and slid into the ring and Benoit caught him the crossface and Orlando tapped out right away and the ring announcer said "the winner in ONE SECOND Chris Benoit!" then Beniot quickly went backstage without even celebrating! And I was so glad to see Benoit in action live!

Orlanda went up to JBL backstage who was STILL lookig in the mirror a full minute later (what an ego!) and JBL said "how did you do?" and Orlanda said "I lost in one second!" and JBL said "YOUR ASS IS FIRED! GET BACK ON THE WELLFARE LINE WHERE I FOUND YA!" and Olranda's head slumped! And everyone laughed.

Next Christy and Stacy are shown arriving at the arena in a pink girly car but you see someone hiding behind teh bushes watcihing them and who could ti be!?

Back to the mirror and Christian is standing in front of it talking to himself and I marked out so hard that I accidently touched the girl with big TATS's (tits) TATS (tits) but she didn't notice! And Christian says to himself "Okay Christian, you've got a big interview with Bob Holly tonight on the Peep Show. This could be your chance to show the network that you're not a loser! So don't scew it up, okay big guy? Because you...are a neat guy! That's right big C, you are a neat guy!" and this all sounded very familiar but I couldn't quite remember where I'd heard it before. Then Christian said "in fact, you''re just a love machine! I'm just a love machine! And I don't work for nobody but you!" and started dancing! Then I remembered that it was fromt the episode of Friends with Bruce Willis when he did those SAME EXACT THINGZ to a mirror and Ross saw him and it was funny as fuck if you remember and if the writers think we don't remember that episode they are wrong because it was very memorable!

The Peep Show set was set up then Christian's music came on and I heard loud booing! It was weird because everyone in my section was cheering so I looked around and there were speakers right behind me and there were boos coming out of them and I knew right then that the rumors were true and managment ARE burying Christian! So I quickly wrote a "I'M CHEERING CHRISTIAN!" sign and held it up. So Bob Holly came out the big bully and Christian looked all nervous around him and offered Bob a glass of water but Bob throw the water all over Christian's crotch! And Bob said "looks like the Creepy Little Crybaby Bastard peed his pants! Peed his pants, peeds his pants, come on, everybody say it!" but nobody did. But then I could hear "peed his pants!" being played over the spearkers to make it look like we were chanting it! Christian dropped down on his knees crying and saying "but I'm a neat guy!" over and over!

And then we went 2 commercials and I was sitting right behind the tech guys and I could see the editor editing the show live which they do by the way and I could see them editing out the bit where Bob throws the water over Christian soas to make it look like Christian peed himself! So the burial of Christain is goign to scarey new levels of depravity! And one of the tech guys laughed and said "Hunter's going to love this!"

Right after the break Rey Misterio ran into the ring and gave Christian (who was still crying) a 619 and a referee counted three so I guess what was a match. THEN Eddie Guererro then ran in with a garden gnome(!?) and hit Rey right in da head with it! Eddy took the mike and said "You recognise this gnome, don't you Rey? You know it well, vato! You, me and this gnome have a history, esse! And holmes, there's a secret that only the three of us know! And I'm going to reveal that week!" Then he kissed the gnome.

At the mirror Christy and Stacy are comparing asses(!) when EUGENE jumps out from behind some boxes and he's shaved his head and has a huge tattoo of Christy's face across his chest! And he says "Christy, I LOVE you, like Randy loved Elizabeth, like Phinaes Godwinn loved Sunny, like Mark Henry loved Mae Young! Come back to RAW with me so we can be together like we should be!" but Christy was disgusted and said "Eugene I told your ass on RAW that I dumped your ass for a reason now get your ass out of here you pig!" but Eugene went into RAGE MODE and said "NOO, YOU ARE MIIIINE!" and gave Stacy a stunner and then the network guy ran up and said "hey, no violence against women on this show!" so Eugene gave him a nipple cripple then he chased Christy out intot he parking lot and she tried to get away in her pink girly car but Eugene grabbed onto the back and held on like the Terminator as she drove away!

And now it was time for LOD versus MMM for the tag team titles is next and Jillian Hell walked right past me because I was sitting right beside the aisle as I said before and I touched her mole and part of it came off in my hand! And it felt yukky! But before the match Melina took the mike and said "hey Animal, we're going to make Heidenriech be just like your last tag partner...IN A SACK!" even though that didnt make any sense and Nitro and the other one put a sack over Heidenriech! Animal tried to save him but Jillian speared him! MNM carried Heidenrike in the sack to the top of the stage and threw him off nearly three feet down onto a big crash mat! And Animal screamed "NOOOO, not again! Why God, why!? WHY!?!?!?! Oh well, can't grieve forever, I need a new partner again. How about YOU?" and he grabbed some tall skinny asian guy who was sitting next to me in the crowd and pulled him over the barricade and said "You can be my partner!" and the guy was like "me no speaky the Engrish!" but Animal just sais "yes, I think you'd look good with a mohawk too!" and carried him backstage.

Then during the break Heidenerich got up and just shrugged then waved to the fans and walked backstage!

Next Randy Orton and his dad came oout and Orton has an Undertaker action figure but he drops it on the canvas and stomps the shit out of it to show how evil he is. Then Orton says "now that I've gotten rid of the Undertaker and sent him back to hell with a RKO, I have some other bidness to attend to and dad, I want to say thank you for being such a great dad! In fact, you might say that you were a LEGENDARY dad...and I'm a legend killer!" and he gives Bob Orton the RKO! Randy said "get up you old son of a bitch I hate you you never loved mom get up so I can give you another RKO you son of a bitch" but then the lights went out and we all marked out and I have to say I was a bit scared in the dark and I felt something rubbing up against my back and it felt hard! When the lights came back on it wasn't the Undertaker standing there but Teddy Long and the BOOGITY MAN who is wearing antlers! And Randy turned round and was like "WTF?!" and Boogity man gave him a spinebuster! Then Teddy said "I know what you crackas are thinking you can't believe your cracka eyes but seeing is believing so you betta belie dat, playa! You see the World Wrestling Entertainment has always been about the great WHITE hope so that's why I've brought the Boogity Man to Smackdown to remedy that melody, playa! And you know what else? The reason why you people are scared of the Boogity Man is NOT because he's wears antlers and crazy shit like that, no. The reason you're scared of him is because he's BLACK! And if Kerwin White wants to come over for an interpromotional match at No Mercy, then that's fine by me you betta belie dat!" And everyone in the crowd was stunned into silence by this highly emotionally charged racial angle so I started a Mexican wave to lighten the mood. And it worked!

During the break Randy Orton got up and waved to teh crowd and walked backstage. Then a minute later his dad got up and went backstage but he didnt wave to teh crowd the bastard!

Backstage you see Orlando Jordan crying and wearing nothing but his underwear because JBL owned all his other clothes and hes walking out of the arena and all the workers are singing the "hey hey goodbye" song and JBL is leading the singing!

At this point, the guy sitting behind me couldn't see due to my INCREDIBLY WITTY sign (see below) and he said "excuse me but could you please put your sign down? Thanks" and I said "Uhh...NO!" and did a dance in his face! And he didn't react so I said "You got served, biatch!" and he tried to be smart and said "yes, very good, I saw that episode of South Park too." and wouldn't fight me the coward so I said "you just got F'd in the A!" and he said "grow up" and I said "I'M TALLER THAN YOU!" And I was! So I think you'll agree I won that one.

Batista/JBL was teh main event and it was the worst match I've ever seen ever in my enter life NO EXCEPTIONS and it was so boring that I wanted to go to sleep so I asked the girl next with the big TATS (tits) if I could use her TIZZATZ (tizzitz) as a pillow and she said yes(!) and I smelled her cleavage and it was like lavendar!! But I pulled my nose out of there when Batista hit a spinebuster because I knew the end was near and then Orlando Jordan ran out with a chair so we all thought he was going to hit JBL and Batista gave him the thumbs up to hit JBL...but he hit Batista! And was sitting right behind Michael Cole and Tazz and I heard Cole say "DAMN IT TAZZ, DAMN IT! That DAMN Orlando DAMN Jordan just hit Batista with the DAMN chair and he's back with DAMN JBL I can't DAMN well believe this!" and Tazz said "not for nuthin' Cole that must have been like being hit by a typewriter!" Then JBL and Orlando shook hands!

Then on the Oval Tron you see Christy driving along really fast with Eugene hanging half in/half out the passenger door of the car licking her face like the Bushwhackers did! And christy swerved the car and Eugene went flying out but Christy had lost control and the car went flying rihgt off the edge of a cliff and they used CGI to make it explode on the rocks below and does Christy die tune in next week to find out!


Give Dominic To Michael Jackson!

SPOILER: Benoit Does A German Suplex!

The Guy Behind Me Can't See My "The Guy Behind Me Can't See" Sign!

Only LOOSERS Watch TV On A Friday Night!!!

I'm sitting dead center in the front row ringside opposite the cameras so u cant miss them! and if you see a blurred out sign it's my "I'M CHEERING CHRISTIAN" sign for sure!

And now for a special Hot Newz investogation into Chris Jericho! Y2J quit the wrestling world FOREVER last week to become a crappy rock star...or so we thought! Ten minutes later he posted a press release on his website and this is what it (the press release) said!!

"Hello, jerkies! You mama jammas deserve the truth because you ain't no assclowns, so the ayatollah of rock and rollah is gonna give ya the straight dope, baby! I just signed a new ten year contact...with NWA:TNA! That's right jerkies, don't adjust your monitor, I said NWA:TNA and Y2J is going to dominate like never EEEEEEVER before! C'mon baby!"

Could the stie have been hax0red? Unlikely, look at the language used, that press release COULD ONLY have been written by Jericho himself! But then ten minutes after that, it changed to THIS press release!

"I do not know how this SHAMBOLIC rumor got started, but I can assure all you Jerichoholics that the only place you'll see the sexy beast Y2J wrestle agayne is the WWE and I'll never EEEEEEEEEEEVER compete for TNA! C'mon baby!"

Now things are REALLY confusing and they've almost blowen my mind! Which isnt the place I usually like to get blown, if you follow my meaning, lol! Both press release APPEAR to have been written by Jericho but they cant both be true! Ten minutes after the second one was up, Jericho website went down and when it came back it just had a photo of Jericho and the Rock at Niagra falls together(!?) and nothing else on it! So to get to the bottom of this mysterio once and for all I called up the only man who could possibly know the truth: the owner (or something like that!) of NWA:TNA Double J Jeff Jarrett!!!!

Me: Hello Jeff Jarrett!

JJ: Ain't I great?

Me: You're great at answering the phone, lol.

JJ: And at wrestling. Great at wrestling.

Me: Sure, whatever you say!

JJ: Don't piss me off, slapnuts!

Me: LOL, you can't even decide which gimmick to use when you're talking on the phone!

JJ: Show me the proper respect kid or I'll use my STROKE to make this phonecall end!

Me: You mean by hanging up?

JJ: ...yes.

Me: So is Chris Jericho coming to TNA or not?

JJ: I don't know, but if he is, I'll kick his hip-hop performing ass! Rap is crap!

Me: That wasn't even your gimmick! And he's a rocker, not a rapper, you jabroni!

JJ: Whatever, if it ain't country, it ain't music! If he thinks he can come to TNA and take my spot, I'll use my STROKE to remedy that!

Me: Yeah, but is he coming to TNA or not?

JJ: ...I don't know.

Me: How can you not know! You own the company, or something! This is just like the Matt Hardy thing all over again!

JJ: Don't get me started on that slapnuts! He signed a ten year contract with us, but when the WWE came calling, he took our contract, ripped it up into little pieces, set the piecs on fire, and dumped the ashes in the Missisippi river!

Me: What an asshole! Anyway, if you don't know anything about Jericho...

JJ: Wait, don't you want to ask me about my career?

Me: Not really!

JJ: Listen slappy, you're luck you're not interviewing me in person, otherwise I would break one of my many guitars over your head!

Me: They're fake guitars! And you're a fake main eventer!

JJ: Just because I've got the STROKE...

Me: You'll ruin TNA by making yourself champion when it goes to Spiked TV!

JJ: Listen, we need a familiar face as champion for our Spike debut.

Me: People will be like "OMG he was a mid carder in WWF like ten years ago but he's a champion here? This fed must suck!"

JJ: That's a load of hooey! They'll remember my reigns as WCW champion...

Me: Only twelve people watched WCW when you were champion!

JJ: And I bet you were one of them and you beat off to my package all the time!

Me: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

JJ: Yeah, I would.

Me: Uhh...

(Phonecall ends.)

OMG HE'S A HOMOSAURUS! Back sizzon with more of the Hottest newz, viewsz and BOOZE for the older readers lol see you soon!!!!!11


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I Breastfeed John Madden
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#2 Posted on 31.8.05 1832.03
Reposted on: 31.8.12 1832.07

This thread will probably be deleted before I respond. While I can't say that I read the entire thing, this line ownz!!

    I took one look at this match and said "I DON'T THINK SO, MUTHFUCKA!"

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#3 Posted on 31.8.05 1851.08
Reposted on: 31.8.12 1851.34
    Originally posted by StevieRichards

    This thread will probably be deleted before I respond. While I can't say that I read the entire thing, this line ownz!!

      I took one look at this match and said "I DON'T THINK SO, MUTHFUCKA!"

Deleted? This is HOT NEWZ, man! You can't delete that.

He should really post on a site that has columns, though.
Hot Newz
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#4 Posted on 31.8.05 1919.39
Reposted on: 31.8.12 1920.04
I guess the Guest Columnists Forum caught fire and blew up too, OMG LOL and so on.
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#5 Posted on 31.8.05 2026.30
Reposted on: 31.8.12 2028.24
    Originally posted by Hot Newz
    I have been gone for over a year because over a year ago my computer caught fire and blew up!

Was it your computer, or just your keyboard that caught fire and blew up ?
Mr. Boffo
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#6 Posted on 31.8.05 2059.10
Reposted on: 31.8.12 2059.25
I was afraid we would never see "TEH HOT NEWZZZZZ" (as I call it [in my head]), so i am glad that it is bizack!

Jericho and The Rock at Niagra Falls ... What does it mean?
The Goon
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#7 Posted on 31.8.05 2224.34
Reposted on: 31.8.12 2224.54
(wipes tears from eyes)

You know, that was a...fantastic post.
Potato korv
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#8 Posted on 31.8.05 2352.29
Reposted on: 31.8.12 2353.06
    Originally posted by Hot Newz


    SPOILER: Benoit Does A German Suplex!

    The Guy Behind Me Can't See My "The Guy Behind Me Can't See" Sign!

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#9 Posted on 1.9.05 1212.33
Reposted on: 1.9.12 1212.34
Hot Newz rules it. Probably my favorite wrestling columnist ever, with the possible exception of Dean Malenko. But they might be the same guy anyway.
Parts Unknown
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#10 Posted on 1.9.05 1236.15
Reposted on: 1.9.12 1238.43
I had no idea Nova invented the fireman's carry.

I love this stuff.
The Thrill
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#11 Posted on 1.9.05 1624.59
Reposted on: 1.9.12 1626.30
(deleted by CRZ on 1.9.05 1731)
Joseph Ryder
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#12 Posted on 1.9.05 1740.28
Reposted on: 1.9.12 1741.33
    Originally posted by Hot Newz
    And Bob said "looks like the Creepy Little Crybaby Bastard peed his pants! Peed his pants, peeds his pants, come on, everybody say it!" but nobody did.

Good to have you back! Funny funny stuff, as usual.

    Originally posted by Hot Newz
    And everyone in the crowd was stunned into silence by this highly emotionally charged racial angle so I started a Mexican wave to lighten the mood. And it worked!

Post more often, please.

    Originally posted by Hot Newz
    First was a dark match between a tall muscular guy in green tights and a short hairy guy in jeans! And the tall muscular guy one with a spinebuster so look out for him in the future because I've got a feeling he could be a star of the future in the future and you heard it here first!
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#13 Posted on 1.9.05 2159.48
Reposted on: 1.9.12 2200.45
Oh man Hot Newz, you are my hero! lol

Have a nice day, and thanks for giving us all a good LAFF!
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#14 Posted on 3.9.05 2153.25
Reposted on: 3.9.12 2153.44
Thank god, was worried we'd lose the Hot Newz columns after the Guest Columns section went away.

Great stuff, as always.
Thread ahead: Ross Report - 9/2/05
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