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The 7 - Guest Columns - Best Raw Satire Ever! EVER!!! Register and log in to post!
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CANADIAN BULLDOG
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#1 Posted on 7.6.05 0118.36
Reposted on: 7.6.12 0122.22
Last week: Lita flushes her wedding ring and a Matt Hardy action figure down the toilet, Hacksaw Jim Duggan makes his triumphant return, and Eric Bischoff assembles his merry band of Heat Rejects for the ECW One Nightstand show. How will they fit all of that crap in, plus a half-hearted draft lottery… TONIGHT?!


Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Er… wait… maybe you really don't know who I am. Hell, putting my readership up against Matt Hocking's, there's a pretty good chance you don't.

Anyhoo… as per last week's trade, I'm in charge of the Satire this week, while Hocking will take over ITR duties. DEAL WITH IT!!!

Backstage, we open with a promo by Eric Bischov.

Voice of the Undertaker: You can't call him that around here.
Bulldog: What the… WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Voice of the Undertaker: Never you mind who I am. All that matters is that you cut out your little "phony name" crap. That doesn't wash around these parts.
Bulldog: Yessir.
Voice of the Undertaker: Didn't Hocking leave you some instructions, anyways?
Bulldog: Instructions?
Voice of the Undertaker: Yeah, you know: instructions to the alternate Raw-niverse?
Bulldog: Oh, this thing here? You mean… The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
Voice of the Undertaker: (Sigh) Yes.

The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is quite clear on the etiquette of using proper names. Other than the occasional "Dave" Batista "Davidson", you're pretty much stuck with their given WWE names, which is more than we can say for a certain columnist we could mention.

Ah, I get it now. Thanks for clearing that up. Anyways, we were talking about Bischov…er, Bischoff. Tonight, he claims, will be the single-greatest night in the history of this business. Don't tell me Tony Schiavone is writing the scripts now? Tonight will be a defining moment; Raw's biggest acquisition to date. OMG, they're re-signing Yokozuna. FINALLY!

We're told tonight is the 628th edition of Monday Night Raw. I could have sworn it was only episode 607, but I guess I'm not as loyal a fan as I thought I was.

Chris Jericho is in the ring, set to hype the first transaction in the Draft Lottery. Did you know that it was EXACTLY 6 years, 24 days, 9 hours and 3 minutes ago that Jericho made his debut on Raw? And how many years ago was it when you were forced to job to Stephanie McMahon, Chris?

Jericho : And the next contestant is… Charlie Haas? No, wait, it's… it's… John Cena.

It's official. SmackDown is now in worse shape than TNA.

Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Jericho: Woo hoo! John Cena! This is just totally amazing news!

The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states that Jericho is supposed to be depressed all the time, and very uninterested in professional wrestling. Kind of like in real life.

Jericho: In that case, who cares? Big deal, John Cena. What-ever.
Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Jericho: Yes, yes, very good. So, uh, how did you accomplish this amazing feat? Even though I don't really care.
Cena: The champ… is… HERE!

Here comes Chris Tian to ringside. I don't get it. Who's… Oh, wait! Christian! Ahahahahahaha! I've got to remember to steal that bit for ITR.
Voice of the Undertaker: I wouldn't.
Bulldog: Yessir.

Tian: Hold on a second. I've been going on for like three months about how I want to jump to SmackDown, and now you're off the show? Who's left for me feud with now? Funaki?
Cena: Hey, Chris…
Tian and Jericho: Yes?
Cena: er, uh… I was just wondering, because it's your Highlight Reel, do you mind if I answer this moron already?
Jericho: I don't care. It's a free country.
Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Tian: That does it. Them's fightin' words.

A brawl breaks out, toppling the OBSCENELY expensive Jeritron 5000.

Jericho: Noooo! Not my beautiful set! I mean, er… I don't care.

(ads)

Mohammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari vs. Shelton Benjamin

Rumor has it that Hassan is suing Bischoff for racial profiling. His chances aren't helped when WWE Referee Chad Patton makes a fast three-count, muttering "They all look the same, anyways…"

Hassan: This is an outrage! Clearly, there were twin Patton referees – Chad Patton and his brother Earl Patton.
Hulk Hogan: How much did DiBiase pay for the plastic surgery, brother?
Benjamin: Ain't no stoppin' me... NAH!

We go to a flashback of the Triple H – "Dave" Batista "Davidson" feud, just in case you haven't watched WWE programming in the last six months.

(ads)

Backstage, Tajiri is getting ready for his big date with Boobsy McTitsalot (actually, I just wanted to say "Boobsy McTitsalot" at some point in this recap). William Regal confronts him.

Regal: Getting ready for your big date tonight, Tajiri?
Tajiri: Heh, heh -- "McTitsalot".
Regal: Well, I just wanted you to know that I don't approve of you attending this bloody awful ECW One Nightstand show, which is available LIVE on pay-per-view this Sunday from the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City.
Tajiri: Fine.
Regal: Also, you can't borrow my car again until you remember to fill the tank up with gas.
Tajiri: Is that the way it's going to be? Fine, then I'm going to ATTEND that ECW PPV, live this coming Sunday, just to rebel against you.
Chris Benoit: What's going on here? Everything okay?
Regal: Tajiri here thinks he's going to go to that ECW PPV, live this Sunday. But not if he's grounded.
Tajiri: I'M GOING! AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU AND MOM THINK!
Regal: Hold on a bloody second – I thought you didn't speak a bloody word of English.

The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states that Tajiri can alternate between little English and fluent English as often as he so desires. Also, something about multicolored mist.

Tajiri: E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W!

Wait, I thought the letters "ECW" were banned by Bischoff a few weeks back. This might cost the Japanese Buzzsaw a small fortune…

Backstage in the Bischoffice, Coach is trying to warn Bischoff that ECW wrestlers may try to invade the show tonight.

Bischoff: Don't worry about a thing. Remember, this is WWE, where invasion angles go to die™. Do you honestly think Heyman's boys are going to get over on the same show as Triple H?
Coach: Touché.

Hassan and Daivari enter the Bischoffice looking for justice against the racist referee Patton.

Bischoff: Fine, fine. Next week, you'll face a one-man committee, the most powerful person in this company.
Hassan: Vince?
Daivari: Linda?
Coach: Charlie Haas?
Bischoff: NO! I meant someone bigger than Vince McMahon.
Hassan: Yokozuna?
Bischoff: NO! NO! How about Stone Cold Steve Austin. Because nothing says "racial sensitivity" like the Texas Rattlesnake.
Hassan: I'm sure Austin will treat us with the respect and openness we deserve (leaves office).
Bischoff: Argh! I can't believe I left WCW for this crap…
Coach: Actually, you were fir...
Bischoff: LA LA LA - I'm not listening - LA LA LA …

(ads)

Sean Cold Val Venis vs. Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters

Wait, wasn't this the same crap from last week? And how the hell am I supposed to know what happens on "Iron Chef"? I mean, do they even SHOW that program here in Canada?

The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says that Masters engages in food-related battles rather than wrestling matches, which Masters always wins somehow.

Uh, yeah, whatever. When I heard that another wrestling show was invading tonight, I didn't think they meant Sunday Night Heat. Skipping this one, thanks.

Voice of the Undertaker: I'm watching you, son.

Backstage, Nature Boy Ric Flair psyches up his charge for, er, uh, a contract signing.

Flair: Woo! Whatever you do, champ, you've gotta get him to sign that contract.
HHH: No shit, Sherlock. I hadn't thought of that brilliant strategy. Thanks for that great piece of advice, Naitch. Anything else before I go out there?
Flair: I took your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy. Wooo!

(Sorry, I had to get that line in somewhere, somehow).

(ads)

Surrounded by a bunch of indy workers posing as security guards which I'm sure that pwinsider will have names for by the time I'm finished writing this damn column, Eric Bischoff is in the ring.

Bischoff: Paul Heyman, I hear you and your band of ECW rejects are going to try to battle my band of Heat rejects tonight to promote your crappy pay-per-view, which takes place this Sunday, and where I will be appearing even though I hate it. Remember something, Heyman: the reason that ECW died was because of the ridiculous salaries for aging wrestlers, political struggles backstage and management shuffles at Time Warner.
Coach: Actually, boss, you're thinking of yourself.
Bischoff: That's not important. May I now introduce to you, the 10 time world champion… Triple H!

Triple H is dressed up for the Miami Vice audition he's going to later and carrying with him a book of "Famous Action Flick Quotes", which will no doubt come in handy later.

The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says absolutely NO foreshadowing!

HHH: Everyone knows that I'm the greatest thing to happen to this business since Tatanka. I know it, he knows it, the indy workers dressed up as cops know it.
Blond Security Guard: (That should be ME wrestling Batista at Vengeance. But nooo – Triple Fucking H holds me down yet again. I'll get my revenge yet…)
HHH: So to demonstrate how great I am, how about a video of me fighting guys in Hell In The Cell? And although it’s the exact same video I showed you all last week, this one will have the footage in a slightly different order!

This brings out "Dave" Batista "Davidson", who has also been studying up on his action hero clichéd film quotes. HHH signs the contract first. As Batista goes to sign it, he gets a superkick from Shawn Michaels for his troubles. But alas, the power of Jesus compels HBK to return the contract back to its rightful owner. Also, the fact that he's injured.

HHH: Batista, you just signed your death warrant!
Batista: I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
HHH: Time is a luxury you don't have.
Batista: Are you gonna do something, or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?
HHH: Tell me.... Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Batista: Ah'll Be Back.
HHH: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.
Batista: Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.
HHH: Houston, we have a problem.
Batista: Bond. James Bond.
HHH: I'm getting too old for this shit.
Batista: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
HHH: It's a hell of a thing killing a man... You take away all he's got, and all he's ever gonna' have.
Batista: You had me at hello.

(ads)

The Heart Throbs and Victoria vs. The Hurricane, "Suga" Rosey and Christy Hemme

Victoria is still smarting from her loss last week to Hemme, the 2004 Diva Search Winner.

The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reminds you that Lance Storm actually won the…

Yeah, yeah, whatever. So do I really have to recap this one too? The whole shameful affair ends when Christy is DQ'd for choking Victoria. HUH? Bizarre, even by the Satire's standards…

Bischoff is backstage talking to a reporter… OMG, it's Wade Keller!!!

Bischoff: Put THIS in your piece of crap dirtsheet, Keller: I am the one who ran Heyman and ECW out of business. Even though I said he ran himself out of business earlier tonight. That part was just a "work"; this is a "shoot".
Keller: Now, last week, in part 19 of our 213-part Torch Talk, I was about to ask you why you gave Kevin Nash the book in 1998, but you said you had to run. So now I'm going to…
Bischoff: Oh, geez. I have to run. Sorry. Cena's in my office. Bye!
Keller: (grumbles) I'm taking ** off for this segment alone!

In the Bischoffice (I never get tired of saying that!), Bischoff matches wits with Cena.

Bischoff: Well, I think things will work out well for us, John. I'm putting you in the main event next week. How does that sound?
Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Bischoff: Ah, yes. Lovely. Now I see why Teddy Long was so anxious to get rid of you. Anyways, what say you join my anti-ECW band of Heat rejects this Sunday for their PPV, which I don't advocate anybody watching?
Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Bischoff: Oh, never mind!

This is followed up by a SmackDown recap that doesn't show any actual SmackDown clips. Discuss.

(ads)

JR and Howler Monkey are recapping the latest shenanigans between Viscera and Lillian Garcia, which somehow segues into the Edge and Lita crap. Suddenly, this show NEEDS MORE KANE (I've always wanted to say that!)

Before Kane can start spouting off about The Wind, we hear the generic FM Radio Music entrance of Edge, the guy who never, ever would think of stealing anyone else's catchphrase.

Voice of the Undertaker: Stop shilling for yourself!

Edge Tian: Kane, I come tonight as the bearer of good news and the bearer of bad news.
Kane: Bearer? Stop bringing my father into this! Where's The Wind when I need it the most?
Edge Tian: Anyways, I thought this would be an ideal time to bring out my girlfriend Lita (w/ breasts) to inform you that we have a match at Vengeance, and after the match, Lita and I are getting hitched at one of those all-night wedding chapels in Vegas!
HHH: It's been done.

In Cameron, North Carolina…

Matt Hardy: How can she keep doing this to me? I remember the time WE went to a drive-through wedding chapel, and Amy said she'd rather sleep with Edge than do something like that.
Molly Holly: And why did he have to steal "BANK ON IT!!!" when "Thanks for the compliment!!!" is so much more versatile?
Rhyno: Matt, if I were you, I'd just friggin' GORE GORE GORE the whole friggin' wedding chapel!
Molly Holly: Rhyno, you better hurry up and pack for your flight that had to have left several hours ago.

(ads)


An ECW video segues into Coach, who tells JR at the announce table that he "can't stand ECW, whose PPV is live this Sunday. Call your local cable operator!"

Chris Benoit vs. Abe Orton
ECW rules

Because When you think of the words Extreme Championship Wrestling, you think Gene Snitsky. Or, if you prefer… SHNITSKY!!!

Voice of the Undertaker: I don't think so.

This Sunday will feature a special edition of Extreme Heat, followed by Extreme Velocity, Extreme Jakked and Extreme Metal. In the ironic comment of the night, Coach actually says "Why are we plugging ECW so much?"

The finish comes when the returning Dudley Boyz 3-D SHNIT… er, I mean, Abe Orton (sigh) through a table. This leads to Coach ranting and raving about arresting Bubba Ray and D-Von (But when it was the nWo doing the same thing five years ago, I'm sure you would have had NO problem with that, Mr. Coachman!)

(ads)

Benoit wins the match (shows you how much attention I'VE been paying this whole time) and we cut to backstage where the indy workers dressed as cops are cuffing The Dudleyz and Paul Heyman.

Heyman: This is just like Eric Bischoff. He makes a challenge and then when we show up, doesn't pay us our checks and makes up lies about TNN under-promoting our show as being the reason for our downfall.
Bubba: Uh, Paul… that was you…
Heyman: Never mind, that. Can you indy workers take the handcuffs off us, please?
Blond Security Guard: Can I work your ECW PPV?
Heyman: The one this Sunday, which has still has good tickets available? No, but I can probably get you a shot on Shane Douglas's shitty show…
Blond Security Guard: It's a deal!

(ads)

Bischoff invites the brothers Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko, the goatee and the briefcase) out for the final segment. He then calls Heyman and The Dudleyz to the ring. Heyman, however, uses an old map of the bingo hall and ends up in the crowd instead.

Eventually, Team ECW enters the ring. Wow, can you imagine what would have happened had Bubba Ray and D-Von met Edge and Christian in their primes?

Bischoff shows his WCW past by ordering up a screwjob finish to end the show, with his merry band of Heat Rejects entering the ring and cornering the Dudleyz. Then Heyman calls on his backup -- The Sandman; Balls Mahoney; Tommy Dreamer; Some Fat Guy Who Is Either Dusty Rhodes Or Ian Rotten; Lance Storm; Rob Van Dam

The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reminds you that Lance and RVD died after the whole "Are Friends" story. Remember?

Oh, whatever. Also in the ring, Rhyno, who made the trip from Cameron, NC pretty damn quickly. Things are all Crazy Go Nuts in the ring as we go to fade.

Voice of the Undertaker: Okay, let's bring this on home, son.

You know what? No! Screw you and screw Matt Hocking. I had fun writing the Satire this week. And I think I'm going stay around for a bit longer. I'm staging myself an old-fashioned coup, and if you don't like it, try and stop me. As for now, Matt Hocking…

YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!!!



To be continued next week…





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Excalibur05
Knackwurst
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#2 Posted on 7.6.05 1114.07
Reposted on: 7.6.12 1115.22
Awesome, awesome, awesome, Bulldog.

Great job handling the show. I can only hope my ITR lives up to expectations.

Oh wait...what I meant to say was:

Fire me? I'm already fired! Fire me? I'm already fired!
Texas Kelly
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#3 Posted on 8.6.05 1016.01
Reposted on: 8.6.12 1016.47
See, now that's the kind of face time the Voice of the Undertaker deserves every week.

*heads over to Barnes & Noble to look for a copy of The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy*
byort
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#4 Posted on 8.6.05 1039.52
Reposted on: 8.6.12 1040.00
Great job, CB. Looking forward to the new "regime".
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