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The 7 - Guest Columns - Inside The Ropes - The ITR 50!!! Register and log in to post!
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CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille
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#1 Posted on 8.5.05 0848.07
Reposted on: 8.5.12 0854.50

Every week for the past two years, I have used this opening space to quote a famous saying from a wrestler. Never before though, have I had a wrestler quote a famous saying from ME. And certainly never TWICE in forty-eight hours! Until now, that is…


"Bank on it!!!"
-- ThEdge, Sunday, May 1, 2005



"This interview… IS OVER!!!"
-- ThEdge, Monday, May 2, 2005


Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and POORLY THOUGHT-OUT edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the new promo-writer for Adam Copeland. We've got a lot to get to this week, so let's…

… oh wait, we don't have to get to this week. Hmmm… I suppose I could bust out another Retro ITR™, except I already did one of those two weeks ago.

What about one of them "Letters From A Nut" things? Oh, that's right, I already retired that. Crap!

Okay, okay, I've got it. How about I use this column to debut the most INNOVATIVE, INTERESTING and INNOVATIVE concept in sports entertainment? It's just a little concept I like to call:

THE ITR 50!!!



But first, so that everyone knows what the inaugural (AND first-ever) ITR 50 is all about, a few Frequently Asked Questions and Understandings to better explain things:

F.A.Q.U.

Q: What criteria did you use to compile this most prestigious ranking?
A: Thanks for the compliment!!!

Q: Are you kind of just making this shit up as you go along?
A: BANK ON IT!!!

Q: Is there any scientific basis for this study, or is it more a subjective list that really anyone could do, and at that, probably much more comprehensively?
A: EVER!!!

And now, on with the list:



50) Demolition Smush

· One half of the current tag team champions.
· Has bad breath.
· Awful fighter/great lover.
(image removed)
(49) "Macho Men" Randy Santana
· Half of the MegaManiacPowers tag team.
· Loved to snap into Slim Jams.
· (May have) killed his wife.
(image removed)
(48)NwO Sting

· Likes jumping from buildings for some reason.
· Uses Sheldon Benjamin's "Stinger Splash" as a finisher.
· Nice ass.
(image removed)
(47) Sheldon Benjamin
· Former WWE Intercontinational Champion.
· Born on the mean streets of Somewhere.
· Afraid of heights.
(image removed)
(46) Amateur Wrestling
· Very cool.
(image removed)
(45) Christopher Lewinski
· Extremely intelligent; can type up to 60/wpm.
· A "Triple Crown" champion in All-Japan, New Japan, Old Japan and Rare Japan.
· Often dumb.
(image removed)
(44) Visceria
· Has evil, crazy eyes.
· Wears a garbage bag to the ring.
· Great dancer.
(image removed)
(43) Bunch Of Random Guys
· All significant in their own right.
(image removed)
(42) The Weedwhackers
· Completely unpredictable.
· Even though every match of theirs was exactly the same.
· (Probably) did lots of drugs.
(image removed)
(41) Old Men
· Ready for any challenge life throws them.
· Unless they have to, you know, do anything for it.
· Notoriously bad breath.
(image removed)
(40) The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain

· Killed high school sweetheart Kate Vickie.
· Killed Elizabeth.
· Killed Leeta.
(image removed)
(39) Fancy Man (as Bubby used to call him)
· What a jerk!
· Look at him, the stupid referee!
· It used to be they did wrestling; now all they do is punch.
(image removed)
(38) May Yung
· Old.
· Sexy.
· HORNY!!!
(image removed)
(37) Vampira
· Really used to be a vampire!
· One Scary mofo.
· NWA T&A won't even use him!
(image removed)
(36) Ninth Wonder Of The World China
· Don't treat me like a woman.
· Don't treat me like a man.
· Don't treat me like you know me.
· Just treat me for who I am.
(image removed)
(35) Jake Tunney
· Figurehead President of old WWWF
· Likes to present "power-packed cards"
· Don'cha dare miss it!
(image removed)
(34) Bird/Man Cocoa Beware
· Always accompanied by his macaw Freddie.
· Loved to sing.
Wait… this was actually his gimmick?
(image removed)
(33) SHNITSKY!!!
Not (entirely) his fault.
(image removed)
(32) Batista
· Oops, wait. Wrong guy…
· There - much better:
(image removed)
(image removed)
(31 – 25) Roy Mysterio
· Quicker than a hiccup.
· Faster than a speeding locomotive in a single bound.
· Much taller in real life
(image removed)
(24) "Hollywood" Stu Stone
· Gossip columnist for Inside The Ropes.
· Leader of the infamous Stone Movement.
Starred in such films as JewHF, It Lived In The Basement and the Max Milhouse franchise.
(image removed)
(23) Simon Dean Douglas
· Fitness instructor/high school teacher.
· Hates "Dick" Flair.
Developed the patented Simpson System.
(image removed)
(22) Outback Jerk
· Claims to possess to strength of ten men.
· Likes to tie his kangaroos down, sport.
Disappeared into the Australian outback, never to be seen again. Just like The Wiggles.
(image removed)
(21) Paul Burier
· Often referred to as the brains behind the brawn.
· Fat.
Life ended tragically last year when he was buried in a pit of cement.
(image removed)
(20) The Patriot
· A real American hero!
· Or wait… was that G.I. Joe?
· Never mind.
(image removed)
(19) Sexual Mark Chocolate
· Dubbed "The World's Strongest Fat Man"
· Much like a Snickers bar, he can go for hours and hours.
Once gave birth to a hand.
(image removed)
(18) Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey
· Made of money!!!
· Gave his ca$h to charity once he became "Born Again".
Now lives in poverty with his bodyguard Virgin.
(image removed)
(17) The Road Worriers
· Have makeup and spikes fetish.
· Accomplished very little of note.
Did you ever go on that roller coaster where it goes up really high and then comes soaring down at unbelievable speeds? That's so cool.
(image removed)
(16) Some Jerk
· Probably quite sexy.
· Much tougher than he looks.
Writes some sort of column somewhere.
(image removed)
(15) Mouth in the South Jim E. Hart
· Often hogs the glory for himself.
· Awesome singing voice.
Not to be taken lightly.
(image removed)
(14) WCW Superbrawl Opening Screen
· "No second chance."
· "Who wants Vader?"
· "Wooooo!"
· "I'm Badddddd!"
· "It's not my fault!"
· "Owwwwwww!"
"A thirst for high impact!"
(image removed)
(13) "Bam Bam" Bugaloo
BAM! BAM! BAM BAM BAM!
(image removed)
(12) Vince MacMahon
· "Screw you, Austin! You're FIRRRRRREDDDDD!"
· "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."
· "Quite frankly, I would suggest that Bret screwed Bret."
· "HOO-AH!"
(image removed)
(11 - 8) Chris Candida
· Wrestled in WWF as Skipper of the Primadonnas.
· Used to whine a lot.
Currently deceased.
(image removed)
(7) Hurricane Helmsley/Super Rosie (tie)
· Actually possess super powers, such as super-jobbing and super-squash-matches.
· A riot at parties.
· Wait… THEY WON THE BELTS?!?
(image removed)
(Anime picture courtesy of Online Onslaught's Concrete TG.)
(6) Old-Time Wrestlers
· Very cool.
(image removed)
(5) Hollywood Hal Kogan
· Universally regarded as the best person in wrestling ever.
· EVER!!!
So I'm not sure why he's not number one…
(image removed)
(4) Master Fuji
· Master of the martial arts.
· Likes to snort ceremonial salt.
· Favorite saying: "IN-DEED!"
(image removed)
(3) E-C-Dub
· Feared by many, respected by all.
· Has plenty of money to go around.
Rated "E" for Everyone.
(image removed)
(2) Bret "Hateman" Hurt
· Occasionally miffed about Montreal incident.
· Youngster shows much promise.
· Allegedly screwed himself somehow. And possibly Matt Hardee.
(image removed)
(1) ThEdge
· Stole you-know-who's you-know-what because he's a you-know-what.
· Obviously you read this column, JERK, so how about instead of starting your theme song with "You think you know me?", switch it to "Don't Pretend Like You Don't Know Who I Am!!!"
· Or you could just close next week's promo with "Thanks for the compliment!!!". I mean, would it KILL you to give props to me three times in a row? PLEASE???
(image removed)



And there you have it, folks, the first-ever semi-weekly ITR 50. If you have suggestions, additions, subtractions, multiplications or divisions to this list, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Edg… er, I mean… Inside The Ropes.


(edited by CANADIAN BULLDOG on 8.5.05 0650)
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Torchslasher
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#2 Posted on 8.5.05 1542.48
Reposted on: 8.5.12 1543.45
Tremendous use of LJN wrestling figures that I currently own. Chris Lewinski should be much higher on the list. That Jack Tunney picture scares the crap out of me. I must hear more about this Weedwhackers team; they look like they're going places.

Great column as usual, btw.

(edited by Torchslasher on 8.5.05 1344)
KaneRobot
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#3 Posted on 9.5.05 0002.53
Reposted on: 9.5.12 0006.25
Which guy in Superbrawl said "It's not my fault?" SECRET UNLOCKABLE SNITSKY?!?!?
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille
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#4 Posted on 9.5.05 0708.41
Reposted on: 9.5.12 0709.07
    Originally posted by KaneRobot
    Which guy in Superbrawl said "It's not my fault?" SECRET UNLOCKABLE SNITSKY?!?!?


It was actually Rick Steiner, who did a little dance as he said it. And Pro Wrestling Torchslasher... THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT!!!
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