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The 7 - Guest Columns - LotR: Return of the King of the Ring (Part 2 of 6) Register and log in to post!
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#1 Posted on 29.4.05 0229.56
Reposted on: 29.4.12 0234.28
The Lord of the Reign
The Return of the King of the Ring

Volume III, Chapter Three
ďIn Which Trish Stratus Reveals the Mysteries of LifeĒ

Trish Stratus is taking one last fateful journey, in a cavalcade of taxis, to the shores of Washington, on her way to Japan. Shane McMahonís last orders echo in her head.

Shane McMahon: And youíll go to Japan, and itíll be like, BOOYAH, they love American girls over there. Youíll fit right in. So hurry up and get on the goddamn

boat already. The last boat ride for Trish Stratus.
Trish: Why canít I take a plane?
Shane: Iím not paying for this crap.
Trish: But the boat-
Shane: Youíre stowing away on an Anime Freighter.

Suddenly, mist swirls around the car.

Khosrow Daivari: Oh, no! I did not hear about any fog today! Iím sorry maíam, weíre going to be a little late!
Trish: Thatís fine. This is just a flashback.
Daivari: Huh?

Trish finds herself in a nice suburban home in rural Toronto. An aging Chris Jericho greets her with a smile and a hug, and their two ugly children run up and give her a hug. Suddenly, a very confused Adam Bomb appears and waves his hand in front of his face.

Adam Bomb: You canít see me, Trish! You canít see me!

Then one of the children choke slams the other. Trish sits up and sheís back in the cab.

Trish: I donít get it. I thought mist signaled flashback and poofy clouds signaled fantasy.
Daivari: You know, many people believe that, but actually the mist will sometimes appear if youíre remembering a past that hasnít happened yet.
Trish: Huh?
Daivari: What, I canít know things?
Trish: Turn this cab around.
Daivari: I was afraid you might say that.

They pull up to Shaneís hotel as Shane is checking out.

Trish: Exactly what the hell is going on here?
Shane: Oh, boy. You saw the vision, didnít you.
Trish: Youíre damn right I did. What the hell was going on there?
Shane: What do you want me to tell you? That one day in the distant future, Adam Bomb, longing for his glory days will invent a time machine that will accidentally transport you and your husband into the distant past where you will conceive two children?
Trish: And the children?
Shane: You saw them. Itís Undertaker and Kane.
Trish: Iím Undertaker and Kaneís mother?
Shane: Yes. And you and Chris will both die in a fire. Think about that. And think about all the crappy angles we could prevent if you just left Jericho here and went to Japan.
Trish: That doesnít have to be the future and you know it.
Shane: But, Trish dear, itís already the past.
Trish: UhÖ.
Shane: Exactly.
Trish: Shut up and let me fix all this. I know! Iíll just kill Adam Bomb.
Shane: Well, that just fixes everything, doesnít it?

Meltzer: What the hell was that all about?
Alvarez: I donít know. Cheetos?
Meltzer: Time travel and Cheetos? I donít see the connection.
Alvarez: No, Jackoff. Do you want some Cheetos?
Meltzer: I canít feel my face. How long have we been sitting here?
Alvarez: Three months.
Meltzer: Then whereíd you get those Cheetos?
Alvarez: I imagined them into being.
Meltzer: There are no Cheetos, are there?
Alvarez: Arenít there, Dave? Arenít there?
Meltzer: If I could lift my hand, I would punch you.
Alvarez: Just try it. Iím wearing my lucky salad bowl.

Shane McMahon is holding the shards of Stingís broken bat. Trish is standing behind him.

Trish: All right, now put that back together.
Shane: You want me to crazy glue an old baseball bat together.
Trish: Yes.
Shane: Youíre just doing this to annoy me arenít you?
Trish: Yes.
Shane: Dammit. Well, thatís it then. I hope you and Jericho are happy together. I coulda hooked you up with my boy Pete Gas, but nooooo, youíre all atwitter for this Canadian dude.
Trish: Shane, donít be jealous.

She grabs his hand.

Shane: Damn your hands are cold, what have you been doing, soaking them in ice?
Trish: Just for you.
Shane: God thatís cold. Damn. Iím really happy your career is over now. Thanks a lot. You try to help some peopleÖ.
Trish: Youíre the best sugar daddy.

Eddie Guerrero wakes up on the floor of the limo, as Ric Flair pokes him from the seat.

Eddie: What the hell is that?
Flair: This here is my trusty broomstick. I carried this stick to more five star matches than you can count, fat boy. Now, I carry it into war.
Eddie: Where the hell are we?
Flair: This is San Diego, the home of No Way Out.
Eddie: Yeah, thereís that entrance ramp I saw on TV!
Flair: I can only hope weíre not too late to save it.
Eddie: No offense, Naitch, but I know weíre popular and all, but are the two of us really going to generate many buys?
Flair: I hope like hell we will.

They approach the arena.

Flair: Now, a word of warning, Eddie. Mick Foley, the booker for this show was kind of hoping that Christian would be the big draw-
Eddie: They really are in trouble.
Flair: So itís probably best you not mention that he died. JustÖlet him think that Christianís late or something.
Eddie: Well, golly Mr. Flair, that would be lying! I never do that, holmes.
Flair: Just shut up. Letís go.

They enter the office, which is full of dying cacti and crudely drawn, ripped up childrenís books. A bulky man sits huddled in the corner, tearing at his hair.

Flair: Youíre a glorified stuntman, Mick! Youíre also a terrible writer! But at the moment, you need a draw for your Pay Per View, so Iím here to help! WOO!
Foley: Help? HELP?! Youíre right, I do need a draw for my Pay Per View, because my old draw is dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD!

Foley throws a holey, bloody Christian T-Shirt at Flair.

Eddie: So I guess he already knows, huh, esse?
Flair: I guess so.
Eddie: I just thought you should know, holmes. Christian died trying to save my nephew Chavito and me from a bunch of rappers.
Flair: Even I think that sounds ridiculous.
Eddie: So, in honor of that, Iíd like to offer to work for you at this Christian Memorial Show.
Flair: Really, we donít have time for any of this. McMahon is coming, and Memorial Show or not, heís going to come down here and kick our asses, especially hard after we got one of his shows cancelled! So gather what wrestlers you can, and call on Smackdown! By right, WOO, this is a Smackdown Pay Per View anyway. Call on Paul Heyman! Make amends! Let him book this show!
Foley: I think, Nature Boy, that you are full of CRAP! Do you think that I will so easily hand over the book to you and your cronies? You that would have prevented me from ever winning a world title? Iím just going to let you waltz in here and let you do that to me? A hardcore legend? Maybe you just want me to let your boy Jericho waltz in here and set up shop however he wants, huh?
Flair: You know very well, you stupid sonofabitch, that this is Jerichoís territory to run. Jerichoís, not yours. Jerichoís!
Foley: Be that as it may, Naitch, if Jericho wants to be in charge of my wrestling company, heíll have to pull it from my cold, dead mandible claw. BANG BANG!

Flair storms out with a confused Eddie trailing behind. Foley continues rocking, cradling Socko in his arms. Later that night, Flair sits on his hotel balcony while Eddie models his new ring gear.

Eddie: I was kind of hoping that I could be a ring announcer or something, you know? Do you think I could get out of wrestling if I told them I was injured?
Flair: Oh, I think theyíd like to have the Undisputed Champion on their show, wouldnít you?
Eddie: But Chris isnít here heÖyouíre talking about me, arenít you.
Flair: So smart. Thatís why youíre the champ! WOO!
Eddie: Yeah, well, quit rubbing it in. Maybe I donít want to be the champ anymore.
Flair: You should go get some sleep, get ready for your match.
Eddie: I used to love it, Ric, the roar of the crowd. I wonder how Benoit is handling all this pressure. Do you think heís alright?
Flair: I never had much hope for Benoit as champion. That ďsilent but violentĒ stuff plays on the midcard, but to be the champion, you have to have that certain spark. But, what do I know, huh?
Eddie: Yeah.
Flair: Vince will do everything he can to shut this show down. Heíll bring whatís left of RAW, Indy guys, whatever he can raid from TNA, and I wouldnít be surprised if he didnít bring some lucha guys in from Mexico, sailing along the coast to avoid boarder patrol. Thatís how you got here isnít it?
Eddie: Uh, holmes, Iím from Texas.
Flair: Sure you are. One last house show to go, before the Pay Per View. And if that house show fails, weíre pretty much screwed.
Eddie: No weíre not. Weíve got the Nature Boy, esse.
Flair: Weíll see what that means here in a few days.

As Flair narrates , in L.A., The Immortal Hulk Hogan straps on his boots and his Bandana, pulling over his boas and his weight belt and his nWo shirt and then riding out on his Harley, jowls shaking in the wind.

Flair: Vince has one last trick up his sleeve, but itís a mighty good trick. A servant that cannot be defeated, cannot be harmed by any wrestler. It is said that he once single-handedly slayed a giant by lifting him up over his head and slamming him through the Earth, in front of 355,131 screaming fans. I guess, as tough as it is for me to say, Hulk Still Rules. But you should know that. Benoit jobbed to him once, you remember? He still bears the scar. Hulk HoganÖthe greatest of all the egomaniacs.
Eddie: I thought that was you.
Flair: Shut up.

The Return of the King of the Ring
Volume III, Chapter Four
ďIn Which Vince McMahon Strikes BackĒ

In Long Beach, Chris Benoit, Tommy Dreamer, and Bret Hart peer over some shrubbery at an old, dilapidated armory. Bret shakes his head.

Hitman: They still wonít let me in that goddamn place.
Benoit: Whatís that?
Hitman: The Cauliflower Alley Club. Bunch of assholes is all they are. You hear that, Thesz?! Letís get out of here, they wouldnít be happy to see any ďmodernĒ wrestlers.

Suddenly, the roar of a motorcycle draws Benoitís attention.

Hitman: Uh, hello? I said ďLetís go!Ē Geez. Right here, this is the highway that will take us all the way to WrestleMania.

They walk a few hours more, to Hollywood and the Hollywood Hills.

Hitman: Now we climb.
Dreamer: Canít we just go around.
Hitman: CLIMB!

Benoit starts to walk back towards the ocean.

Dreamer: Thatís right Mr. Benoit! Swim! Swim to freedom!
Hitman: Shut up, Dreamer. Come back, Chris! Where the hell does he think heís going? Mania is thataway!

Tommy runs up and grabs Benoit.

Benoit: I can hear them, Tommy. Itís time for me to join the Cauliflower Alley Club.
Hitman: Not before me itís not!

Benoit holds up the belt in the direction of Long Beach. The sounds of dozens of old men coughing and sputtering their way through promos fills the air, even Ric Flair hears them and joins in the rambling. What wrestlers have gathered for No Mercy shiver as the death rattle passes by them, reminding them where they will all be in a few years if they donít die this weekend. The doors of the club open, and Hulk Hogan rides out, boas flapping in the wind, he revs his engine and drives south.

Benoit: ARG! I can feel Hoganís powerÖcompelling me to job.

Suddenly, ďNo Chance in HellĒ fires up and a stream of wrestlers traverse the highway south from L.A. to San Diego. In San Diego, meanwhile, Ric Flair is shaking his head.

Flair: Thatís pretty much it, then. Itís time for the greatest wrestling war WOO of our time.

Bret Hart shakes Dreamer and Benoit.

Hart: Weíd best hurry up.

They climb. Back to Eddie and Flair.

Flair: Well, weíve had a good run. Sixteen times, WOO, Worldís champion. Eddie, Iíve got a task for you to perform.
Eddie: Iíve gotÖuhÖchoir practice. Sorry, esse.
Flair: You can either do this now, or Iíll hit you with my broom stick until you do.
Eddie: Geez, fine.
Flair: Fail me, and die.
Eddie: I said Iíd do it, holmes, no need to pile on!

In Oceanside, California, a house show is underway. Vince McMahonís army slithers outside the arena.

Rhyno: Quiet! When they come outÖGORE GORE GORE!

Inside, Edge stands at the ready.

Edge: Theyíre outside. Weíll show those hosebags. Make for the parking lot!
Rhyno: Screw this. Into the building!

Rhyno and his group charge in. When they pass, Edge yells for his men to start the fight, and he Spears Maven. Elsewhere, Eddie Guerrero is using suction cups to pull himself up a building.

Eddie: How did I get myself into this crap?

When Eddie gets to the top of the building, he presses the pyro button, and the Nitro sign above him explodes, throwing him off the building. With a smile, Ric Flair watches Eddie fall from below.

Flair: Thatíll show him. The bastard. Now, letís see if that did anything.

Several miles awayÖ.

Billy Kidman: Oh, snap! Did you guys see that? That giant inexplicable Nitro sign just exploded! Iíve gotta call somebody and tell them about this!

Kidman calls Akio who calls Spike Dudley who calls Danny Basham who calls Scotty 2 Hotty who calls Chris Jericho.

Jericho: How the hell did you get this number?

Jericho runs into the building and flags down Paul Heyman who is informing John Cena and Stacy Keibler that, unfortunately, he wouldnít be able to pay them this week, but that next week he would surely give them double.

Jericho: Stop everything youíre doing right now! I just got a phone call from Scotty 2 Hotty! The Alamo in San Antonio exploded!
Cena: Shawn Michaels?
Jericho: I donít know.
Heyman: Thatís it! You attack and kill my superstars, thatís one thing. But you attack random people I care nothing about? Now itís personal. Weíre taking the fight right to McMahonís doorstep in San Diego, California!
Stacy: Oh boy! I know this really cute shoe store there!
Orton: Yay!
Jericho: Stacy, I really donít think you should be going with us.
Stacy: Come on, Chris. Shoes!
Jericho: Hey, itís your funeral.
Stacy: Yeah, and Iím not dying without really cute shoes. This company is yours to control, Chris. Everybody will follow your lead.
Jericho: That was both meaningful and awkward.
Stacy: Weíre getting close to the end of the story. Such things canít be avoided.
Jericho: Buh?
Orton: SHOES!
Stacy: I know isnít it great!
Heyman: Come, men. Itís time to find out whether or not weíre going to die at No Way Out or Wrestlemania. Anybody who survives this one, I owe them a pizza!

John Cena moves up to the front of the pack to rally the troops.

Cena: Whatís up with my CHAIN GANG?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO

McMahon thinks heís tough
But itís not enough,
Heís old school,
All covered in drool.

Itís time to show him the new
Time to show him how we do,
Weíre not gonna back down
Weíre coming with the Smackdown

San Diego, we make our last stand
Time to find out if we Eminem or DJ Ran


Cena drives on.

Tazz: Brotha, I didnít understand a word of that.
Jericho: Just do what I do, Tazz. Nod and smile. Just nod and smile.

Back in Oceanside, McMahonís troops have captured all the concessions and merchandise booths.

Snow: Without a steady supply of hotdogs and ď619Ē Keychains, this whole thing is pretty much a lost cause.

Edge neatly dodges a bag of popcorn.

Edge: All right, round up the troops. Weíre heading on to No Way Out. Screw the house show.
Snow: But what about the fans?
Edge: I donít have time for those hosebags. Gather what food and booze you can and meet me at the emergency exits!
Snow: Yes, sir!

A black-hoodied figure flies in out of nowhere, hitting Kenzo Suzuki with a Diamond Cutter.

Black-Hoodied Rider: BANG!
Snow: Crap! The Black-Hoodied Riders!
Edge: Run! Head to the parking lot, weíll meet back in North Carolina!

Al Snow breaks into a run, but he trips over Head and gets hit with a Gorilla Press Slam and a Big Splash. Al Snow has fallen. Rhyno celebrates the McMahon victory.

Rhyno: This is awesome. Just fricking awesome. I feel like goring some crap. Maven!
Maven: Yes, sir?

Rhyno gores Maven. Meanwhile, Edge and the rest of his men drive towards San Diego being followed closely by the black-hoodied riders. As they approach the San Diego city limits, the riders are cut off by a white limo. Ric Flair gets out and begs off. When the riders stop to check on him, Flair pokes them all in the eye. Defeated, the riders turn around and head back to Oceanside. Edge pulls up alongside Flair.

Edge: This sucks.
Flair: Youíre telling me. I have to share a hotel room with Eddie Guerrero.
Scotty 2 Hotty: Man, Mick saw this coming, man. Vince is trying to kill us all. Did you see what he did to poor Al Snow? Scary, man!
Flair: What has Mick Foley done to save this PPV? Heís nothing but an old retired garbage wrestler. And whether he wants to admit it or not, Iíve always been a better booker.
Edge: I should have kept that scruffy bearded kid and the fat guy around. I bet they would have saved poor Al.
Flair: What?
Eddie: Have you seen Chris Benoit, holmes? And Tommy?
Edge: Yeah.
Flair: Well, geez, why didnít you say so before? Where are they?
Edge: I cut them loose in Arizona. Those chumpstains probably died in the desert. Benoit didnít look so hot. Plus they were headed towards L.A., I think. But the scraggly looking one in Hammer Pants wanted to stop off in Hollywood.
Flair: Hollywood? HOLLYWOOD?!

Flair takes off his tie and stomps around, knee dropping his tie along the way.

Eddie: Whatíd the tie do?
Flair: Edge! Edge, by God, Tian! Youíve got to tell me what ever you know.
Edge: I dunno, itís pretty boringÖ.
Flair: Youíve got something better to do?
Edge: No, no. JustÖbring something to drink is all Iím saying.
Flair: And Iíll bring some fine ladies too! WOO!
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