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The 7 - Guest Columns - Inside The Ropes - WrestelMania XXX1 Resul...er, I mean, predictions!!!
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CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille
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Since: 5.3.03
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#1 Posted on 1.4.05 1311.21
Reposted on: 1.4.12 1312.21

"If ya wanna me see go make a buncha shitty movies no one will ever watch, gimme an 'Oh heck yes'!" -- Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen, recently.


Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SOMEWHAT HAIRY edition of Inside The Ropes, the only wrestling column that also advertises a "Best Shirt Ever! EVER!!!". I'm Canadian Bulldog, jobber to the stars. Welcome.

As you all know by know unless you're stupid or Matt Hocking, we are just TWENTY-SEVEN days away from "The Grandfather Of Them All"; "The Showcase Of The Immaterials"; an event so big, they had no choice but to call it: WrestelMania XXX1: WrestelMania Goes Bollywood.

What kind of in-depth analysis can I give you marks readers that's different from what you're getting on other websites? I thought about this burning question for at least thirty seconds. Then it hit me: a piece of my ceiling (we are having plaster problems like you wouldn't BELIEVE). But once I came to, I was WAY behind schedule and had to provide this piece of shit instead:

The ONLY WrestelMania Preview You Need (Unless You Want One That's Factually Accurate)



First, a few facts about the big event. DID YOU KNOW?:

• The show is named after its creator, socialite Russ L. Mania the Twenty-First?
• Future Hall O' Famer Hollywood Hal Kogan may break his usual ban of public appearances to make a rare cameo?
• On SuNdAy nIghT hEAt, tag team champions William Royal and Takajiri are expected to take on the team of No One.
• World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow Iraqi superstar Mohachmed Hussein to wrestle on the show because he's racist?
• World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow HI-DAN-RIKE, Chris Masterpiece, SHNITSKY!!! and Kenzozoki Sazozuki to wrestle on the show because they ABSOLUTELY SUCK?
• Expected in the audience of the show is B-movie actor Stuart Stone, who'd better show up with a Canadian Bulldog-related sign, if he knows what's fucking good for him?

And now, onto the matches:





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TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
Deacon BautistaWashington Monument300ishBig!ManyAfraid to be touched
Triple HHHVince MacMahon's guest houseDon't know6 feet plusBanging bosses daughterPushes young talent too much



Who could have predicted just three short weeks ago that the two co-founders of Revolution would be squaring off? No one, that's who!!!

The problem here is that Bautista obviously never knew how good he had it until he betrayed his former teammates. He could have been someone. He could have been a contender. But now, Triple HHH will have to show him why everyone calls him "The Criminal Assassin."

Official Prediction: Too close to call.


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TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
John CenoThe Mean Streets of SomewhereCruiserAverageYo, you can't see himSuffers from acute cheappopitis
John Breadshaw LagerfeldWall Street, TexasToo much6"10 or 5"9BigotRapist



I understand that Smack! Down district manager T.D. Long made this match, but otherwise I would have figured it was made in WORKRATE HEAVEN!!!

One of these guys is rich, snobby and racist, while JLB has proven time and time again that he is a "wrestling dog". One can only wonder what happens when SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CULTURES COLLIDE.

Official Prediction: Not sure.



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TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
Kur TangleThe OlympicsA slim, trim 217 poundsBarelyThe three I's: Intestiny, Importance and the other oneNeck keeps breaking, falling off
Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaelsSan Antonio SpursNo, you waitVariesXtreme SexinessBlades at least once an hour



These two former "tag team specialists" are finally ready to prove to the world that they, too, can wrestle an adequate match in a one-on-one situation.

This all started when HKB "accidentally" eliminated Tangle from the Regal Rumble. Then, in a shocking turn of events, Tangle disguised himself as a cameraman and attacked himself at a Smack! Down taping, leaving himself lying in a pool of his own blood. From there, McMichaels tried to imitate all of his own career highlights on Raw, such as Refusing To Put Over Brett Heart and Being Beat Up By A Bunch Of Marines.

Official Prediction: Yes.





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TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!Same town as his punk-ass dadProbably5"21Never has to lug around cumbersome booksNone whatsoever
The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used ToThe Morgue340 kgYesAdvantageous position of being deceasedThe guy ain't in his 40's anymore, if ya catch my drift



It's the age old question all of you marks fans have been asking: What would happen if a legend who refuses to job ever faced off against a moron?

Obviously, the momentum is currently with ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! because his father, Father Orton, is being indicted into the Hall O' Fame, and also because he recently gave his H20 finisher to Stacey Keebler. But will that be enough when he's going against a man who's 176-0 at WrestelMania? WILL IT???

Official Prediction: WELL, WILL IT???


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TALE OF THE TAPE










NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
Chris BenwahEdmonton, AtlantaUnder controlVanilla midgetTechnical wrestling specialistBad breath
The Big Stupid Red Machine KainAlso from The Morgue6"6303 poundsFireLeeta is two-timing him
The ChristianThe VaticanCould stand to a lose a few pounds5.5 metresThey don't call him "Captain Christmas" for nothing!Snidely Whiplash-style moustache
ThEdgeBulldog's backyard -- literally (you better return that frisbee, BASTARD!)23 metric tonnesYesNot afraid to sleep his way to the topLeeta is two-timing him
Sheldon BenjaminWhat do I look like, a fucking Atlas?Who cares?Honestly, are you even READING this at this point?P.S. I have murdered several peopleP.S.S. Actor Stuart Stone is gay
Y J Stinger Chuck JerichoDon't knowUnknownNot suren/a Leeta is two-timing him



If the idea of six guys repeatedly tossing themselves off aluminum stepladders is what you want, then THIS IS THE MATCH FOR YOU, PALLY!!!

The winner of this match will be the first person to grab hold of the glass ceiling!!! And then they get to shatter it!!! And that will make Triple HHH cry!!! But there's nothing he can do about it because it's part of the stipulation!!! And so he'll make Nature Guy Ricky Flare job to The Brooklyn Basher because he's so pissed!!! And it will be the best match ever!

Official Prediction: EVER!!!


(image removed)

TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
Kirstie HemmeyPlayboy Mansion, living with Hugh HebnerWon't tell us6 foot somethingOften nakedSudden emergence of facial hair
Tritch StratusMy dreams!375 lbs.HeightHas captured Bulldog's heart SLUT!!!



These ladies are mad at each other for appearing on consecutive covers of Playgirl Magazine. But I ask ya, is THAT a reason to have a feud? (Sigh) women…

Of note is that The Returning And No Longer Pregnant But Still Slutty Leeta will be a neutral corner, making sure that neither competitor pulls off any moves without injuring themselves.

Official Prediction: Don't care.


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TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
The Best ShowDeepest, Darkest Africa5,000 pounds9"3Wears a Mr. T-style Mohawk quite wellFat
AkebonerChina5,000,000,000,000,000,000 ounces4"2FatBanzai!



Everywhere I go these days (airports, hotels, NAMBLA meetings), people come up to me and say "Who is this Akeboner guy?". To which I respond "Thanks for the compliment!!!". Then they usually walk away quietly…

The Best Show is in for the BEST SHOW (pun not intended) of his life, putting the over the fat Asian superstar in the center of the ring. This one all comes down to which wrestler wants it more, and also whom the bookers have predetermined will win.

Official Prediction: This prediction brought to you by IcoPro -- "you've got to want it".


(image removed)

TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
Latin Heat Eddie GuerreraSpain112 pounds3"9He lies. He cheats. He steals.He lies. He cheats. He steals.
Roy Mysterio JuniorNew Spain12 pounds0"3FastFurious



This dream team was getting along just fine until earlier this year, when Guerrera accused Mysterio of "lusting after" Elizabeth. But they continued to stick it out until Guerrera abandoned his partner during a match with The Twin Towers. And the end of the show came with Roy walking through the halls muttering "Edddddddddddddie! Eddddddddddie! EDDDDDDDDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

And now… the team of Guerrera and Mysterio EXPLODES, here at WrestelMania!!!

Official Prediction: Put the smart money on the guy with Latin heritage.



(image removed)

TALE OF THE TAPE






NameFromWeightHeightStrengthsWeaknesses
Rod Roddy PiperGlasgow, Scotland, England, Wales, Irelandat least 400Head and shoulders above the competitionCrazyNo, seriously
Stoned Cold Sheriff AustenWHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?



For the first time ever, two of the biggest drinkers/drug-abusers/psychos/wifebeaters will "lock horns" on the grandest stage of them all. Who will win? Folks… who WON'T win?

Official Prediction: Hard to pick a winner




There you have it. From where I sit (my living room, avoiding the falling plaster), this one is shaping up to be the biggest, baddest and most boring paper-view ever! (EVER!!!).

If you have any questions, comments or want to e-mail me with the results (I won't be watching it), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard here first, it’s… Inside The Ropes.
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