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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/17/2005!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#1 Posted on 17.3.05 2102.05
Reposted on: 17.3.12 2102.15
I had the flu for two days and then my wife got the flu today so it's been great having four insane children screaming into our ears. I makes us irritable and hallucinatory. I went and got Chinese food and created this complete conversation in my mind with the semi-attractive woman I was standing next to:

"I was hoping that order was mine. I really dig the spring rolls here"

"Yeah, me and my wife are torn on this place. I dig the pepper chicken but she really hates everything else this place makes."

"You're married."

"Oh yeah. Four kids. That's why I tried not to talk to you. The more attractive I find you the less I should talk to you."

Heat of lust for my manly burliness overtakes her ability to hide her breathlessness. My attempt to diffuse the four inch thick sexual tension coating both of us just made it even worse.

"It's only fair."

And then we'd go behind a dumpster and fuck.

Instead, I just kinda stood there in a flu-drenched haze. Anyhoos, Angie is in bed and watching OCEANS 11 until she passes out into the coma-like sleep of the flu-infested. I figured I'd go ahead and GIFT you with the last hour and a half of the smackdowns. I got a 12 of Old Mil and my resistance is down to nothing. I make the pussy purr with a stroke of my hand, motherfucker. FUCK YOU! I DO!

WHAT WORKED-

- I watched a few minutes of Jannetty carrying Angle before my wife decided to rip me a new corn shoot for watching wrestling while she had the flu and there were two kids left to dress. Marriage is a partnership. Psychopathic homicide is a solo effort. I attempt to keep the partnership together. I've seen this woman deliver children, I don't even want to imagine what she is capable of doing to all of my poky protrudy parts and orifices if she can combine post-partem dementia with all the bottled up resentment for me getting to be without four children 8 hours a day so I ain't pushing my luck, my beloved reader.

- Paul London's boots are just SO motherfucking awesome. Make him fucking world champion already. I see that kidman is back to being the most boring wrestler on earth. I go look for another beer before Kidman makes me collapse into a giant quivering heap.

- JBL calls CENA's momma a whore and it RULES. This segment didn't go long enough.

- Cena tags with Rey Rey and Eddy versus the Bashams and JBL.
Rey Rey sells the body of the match. Cena tags in and they wisely don't have Cena and JBL touch. Eddy cheats by strangling Danny Basham with the tag rope. Rey Rey goes all Flyin Brian into the rail. JBL tags in and it's fun watching JBL not letting Rey Rey tag Cena. They fuck it up by having Cena NOT get forced back into the corner and he whups up on JBL. Rey Rey makes the pin because of steel chair hi-jinx. This is booked by fucking idiots. Postmatch is fun as a random Basham takes a complete mauling with a chair.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Joy and Torrie are dressed in green for St Patricks day. Drunken overweight 30 somethings giggle as these notice that the green beer they drank at Bennigans made their semen that is dripping betwixt their fingers also green. "FUCK ME I'm IRISH!" they yelp before passing out in front of menu screen of NINJA SCROLL. The Smackdown folks later have a catfight with Dawn Marie once again not in a Vampirella outfit but come on, they been drinking all day. Your lucky lil billy could cough up the oatmeal once.

- Booker T wrestles while Heidenreich speaks. I dunno. Luther Reigns is wrestling Booker T. Ya know, I download and watch 15 wrestling matches a day from the new wrestling match board. I watch with my co-worker- a 57 year old Black lady who was a big Mid-Atlantic fan back in the day and who hasn't watched wrestling in 25 years. She is so much "smarter" about wrestling than any dork on any board (myself included.) I dunno. I watched Psicosis versus El Hijo del Santo today from 1995 with her and she picked up the points of the psychology while all the while deeply getting into why El Hijo del Santo is going to lose (and he does in straight falls). And we both freaked out when it went in straight falls. She knew what it meant and what a big deal it was without me having to explain it to her because Psic and Santo said it all in the RING. The only thing I had to explain to her was that Psic gets Santo with a Camel Clutch and that to win a fall with it against a member of the Santo family is an insult because it was the family finisher. Other than that, the greatness of the two wrestlers explained the story itself. Even the Tirantes slow counts for Santo and when Psic's second yells at Tirantes for not speeding up the count for Psic's pin attempts. And then I come home and watch palsied, lame shit like this match and I wonder if I should ever watch wrestling alone. Then Heidenreich recites a poem. And all I can think about is last week when me and my co-worker watched Lyger and Minoru Tanaka against Kikuchi and Kanemaru. Fuck it. You can show that match to fucking ANYBODY- Stone Age cave men in Java, communists, your mom, people who shop at Coles- and they will know the NOVEL of psychology in the match without any build-up. Lyger and Kanemaru beat the living dogpiss out of the aging Kikuchi and KIKUCHI with his face and movement TELL YOU THE STORY of why you should give a shit that these two motherfuckers are kicking the shit out of him. And when Kikuchi finally hoists up Lyger and drops him into a powerbomb for the pin, my co-worker popped for that finish like she had finally hit the right numbers on her eternal lottery ticket purchases. Call it stupid. Call it retarded. But I don't think I ever felt better about my love of professional wrestling than at that moment. I mean, I don't want to make too much of this. I watched that Benoit- HHH match Monday and thought it was pretty cool. Benoit going all Johnny Valentine on HHH to set up suplexes was really cool. Benoit aging like fine wine is something fabulous to behold. But I digress...

- Randy Orton is going to wrestle the MUGAtaker. What is this? A 1997 WAR card? Will Rick Steiner, Abismo Negro and Samoa Joe wrestle the Batten Twins and Yuki Ishikawa in a six-man? Will Osamu Tachihikari squash Paul London in 4 minutes? Will Tenryu break Luther Reigns nose while carrying him to weird ass 5 star match? Hey, maybe I'll get this pay-per-view. Randy Orton reciting lines made me think that he was auditioning for BLOODSPORT V- FISTS AND FEET OF VENGENCE and he was hoping to be the Jean Claude Van Damme substitute. Jaleel White would be assuming roll of Bolo.

- RAW DIVA FINALIST~! Christy Hemme talking about posing nude for Playboy is so pathetic. God, she would look like less of a ground up slab of meat if she was at the bottom of the page of Q-MOV. God, people who talk about how CLASSY Playboy is just fucking creep me out.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN

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Matt Word
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#2 Posted on 17.3.05 2105.11
Reposted on: 17.3.12 2106.02
Cena's new entrance music blows. Stick with what works.

(edited by Matt Word on 17.3.05 2105)
geemoney
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#3 Posted on 17.3.05 2153.10
Reposted on: 17.3.12 2153.53
It's just not Jannetty without the tassels.
Matt Tracker
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#4 Posted on 17.3.05 2240.10
Reposted on: 17.3.12 2240.39
Please, Mr. Jesus, all I ask is that when Cena wins the belt, a giant knucklebar is placed on the giant SD metal fist.

[Ren voice] Oh, and give me huge pectoral muscles.[/Ren}
arnoldrimmer
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#5 Posted on 18.3.05 0417.10
Reposted on: 18.3.12 0417.42
I dug tonight's SD.

I thought the Angle-London match was very good. Best Jannetty match I've probably seen in 10 years(not many to pick from however) than again I hardly see a bad Angle match.

I'm glad to see Kidman back as I'm a big fan. Hope he's not here to just put-over others now.

Boring Show interview. Nice clips of Akebono, however.

Booker vs. Luther was cool, I suppose. Interesting seeing Sharmell in the crowd, though. With recognition, too.
Didn't call her Paisley, though.

I liked Cena's new theme. And, dug the six-man.

Only 4 matches. This is becoming SD's theme.
BigDaddyLoco
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#6 Posted on 18.3.05 0507.29
Reposted on: 18.3.12 0508.37

    - Booker T wrestles while Heidenreich speaks. I dunno. Luther Reigns is wrestling Booker T. Ya know, I download and watch 15 wrestling matches a day from the new wrestling match board. I watch with my co-worker- a 57 year old Black lady who was a big Mid-Atlantic fan back in the day and who hasn't watched wrestling in 25 years.


Is this place you speak of a real place?

DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#7 Posted on 18.3.05 0608.37
Reposted on: 18.3.12 0609.08
    Originally posted by BigDaddyLoco

      - Booker T wrestles while Heidenreich speaks. I dunno. Luther Reigns is wrestling Booker T. Ya know, I download and watch 15 wrestling matches a day from the new wrestling match board. I watch with my co-worker- a 57 year old Black lady who was a big Mid-Atlantic fan back in the day and who hasn't watched wrestling in 25 years.


    Is this place you speak of a real place?




Oh yeah. We have odd amounts of downtime between onslaughts of actual work. It's kinda perfect for watching wrestling.
Kevintripod
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#8 Posted on 18.3.05 0658.02
Reposted on: 18.3.12 0659.01
    Originally posted by arnoldrimmer


    I'm glad to see Kidman back as I'm a big fan. Hope he's not here to just put-over others now.




I have a bad feeling that just might be the case. Even though its just one match, it's not looking good so far.
Shem the Penman
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#9 Posted on 18.3.05 0724.01
Reposted on: 18.3.12 0724.04
Did I miss something, or was London/Chavo not one of the matches announced for Mania? I recall the announcers saying as London entered that he was the #1 CW contender, and that he'd be getting a title shot. Not "a title shot at Wrestlemania," just a title shot.
StaggerLee
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#10 Posted on 18.3.05 0803.10
Reposted on: 18.3.12 0803.17
My Girlfriend quote of the night "Cant that Marky Geonetty guy afford wrestling boots?"

Okay show, JBL calling Cena's mom a whore rules ten thousand ways "Your momma had to sleep with the grocery man" absolute brilliance!

whatever
Lap cheong
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#11 Posted on 18.3.05 0826.53
Reposted on: 18.3.12 0827.18
During the JBL/Cena backstage segment, JBL was really giving off a Vince McMahon vibe, especially when they zoomed in close to their faces. Spooky.

Pretty decent show overall.
DJ FrostyFreeze
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#12 Posted on 18.3.05 1037.41
Reposted on: 18.3.12 1046.45
I was over my buddy's house last night & his sister was watching the OC. I'm trashing the show the whole time it's on, talking about how unrealistic the sitations are & how the show has NO likeable characters (Except the bad-boy star of the show [I forget his name] and his dark-haired "foster" dad Sandy because they're the only 2 not obsessed with themselves & they stay out of everyone else's business).

Then the show goes to commercial, I snatch the remote and turn it to Smackdown, where we are immediately treated to Heidenreich standing on the announcer's table reading a freaking poem about shining his inner light or whatever to Booker T.

My buddy's sister shoots me a look that says "And what were you saying about unrealistic situations & unlikeable characters?!", and I have never been more embarassed to be a wrestling fan in my life.
too-old-now
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#13 Posted on 18.3.05 1051.53
Reposted on: 18.3.12 1057.05

First off, thanks for the workrate report, we missed you. Hope Mrs. Dean recovers promptly - there can't be much worse than getting the flu with a house full of Rasmussens.

I'm looking forward to London and his MIGHTY boots taking the big bump at 'Mania. Why didn't they replay the tassels flying on the 450 splash? I hope he and Chavo are given at least 12 minutes. It wasn't just me, the crowd for his match with Kidman wanted to be on fire, but then Kidman strangely puts everyone to sleep even while his moves and selling are not nearly as bad.

JBL calling Cena's mom a whore was awesome - I wonder if JBL is writing that stuff himself. JBL is my champion - I want him to retain the title, 'cuz I don't care who hasn't been fed to him. JBL IS A WRESTLING GOD! Turn him face and watch the reaction he'd get if he came out to beat the tar out of Daivari/Hassan.

Nobody else loved Heidencrap's poetry? It's better than his ringwork. The best part of that whole segment was Cole's reaction to him coming down to join them at ringside. Speaking of that, why do Cole/Tazz get to be ringside while the Raw announcers are way up by the ramp. Will we get JR/Tazz for Taker's DQ win over Randyboy (preserving his streak)? Will that leave us with Cole/Lawlor for HBK v. Angle?

The Big Show interview did nothing for me, except it was the first time in a long while we could hear the lyrics to his awesome theme song. I get a strong feeling that this will turn into a comedy match - or at least it'll be used as a break between the bloody 6 man ladder match and the bloody Taker/Orton or bloody HHH/Batista matches. Long entrances, perhaps some Mr. Fuji channelling with sacremental salt to cleanse the ring, etc. The only other "action breaks" needed to reset the fans attention/emotions will be the Piper's Pit/Austin segment and the Trish/Hemme diva candy.

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#14 Posted on 18.3.05 1353.20
Reposted on: 18.3.12 1354.35
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    I've seen this woman deliver children, I don't even want to imagine what she is capable of doing to all of my poky protrudy parts and orifices if she can combine post-partem dementia with all the bottled up resentment for me getting to be without four children 8 hours a day so I ain't pushing my luck, my beloved reader.


Amen, brutha. Those without children do not know the joy of getting a kiss goodbye from all your progeny in the morning and then leaving the house for the day!
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#15 Posted on 18.3.05 1553.42
Reposted on: 18.3.12 1553.45
    Originally posted by pieman
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      I've seen this woman deliver children, I don't even want to imagine what she is capable of doing to all of my poky protrudy parts and orifices if she can combine post-partem dementia with all the bottled up resentment for me getting to be without four children 8 hours a day so I ain't pushing my luck, my beloved reader.


    Amen, brutha. Those without children do not know the joy of getting a kiss goodbye from all your progeny in the morning and then leaving the house for the day!


Plus you get to be the good guy when you get home since the mom has to be the mean one to deal with the little bastards all day long. Being Daddy is an odd time in a man's life.
arnoldrimmer
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#16 Posted on 18.3.05 1600.53
Reposted on: 18.3.12 1602.23
    Originally posted by too-old-now

    Nobody else loved Heidencrap's poetry? It's better than his ringwork.



No arguements here.
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#17 Posted on 18.3.05 2131.29
Reposted on: 18.3.12 2132.11
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    passing out in front of menu screen of NINJA SCROLL.


Fuck
Kevintripod
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#18 Posted on 19.3.05 0411.26
Reposted on: 19.3.12 0412.18
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN


    Plus you get to be the good guy when you get home since the mom has to be the mean one to deal with the little bastards all day long.


Not me. Wifey always gets out of being the bad guy by saying to them: "You just wait till your father gets home". So I always end up having to be the heel-like Triple H in the family.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#19 Posted on 19.3.05 0810.16
Reposted on: 19.3.12 0811.03
    Originally posted by Kevintripod
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN


      Plus you get to be the good guy when you get home since the mom has to be the mean one to deal with the little bastards all day long.


    Not me. Wifey always gets out of being the bad guy by saying to them: "You just wait till your father gets home". So I always end up having to be the heel-like Triple H in the family.


A family of TWEENERS!
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