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The 7 - Guest Columns - A Legendary RAW Satire (3/14/
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#1 Posted on 15.3.05 1155.21
Reposted on: 15.3.12 1155.23
Last Week: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” squashed the newest member of Evolution with a thumb. Randy Orton challenged the Undertaker much to the delight of…uh…Nobody? And Christie began her training with Lita and learned the secret to always being injured. Will she get injured…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Chris Jericho is in the ring, and he’s sitting on a ladder. I guess they just plain ran out of chairs tonight. Damn you, Lillian Garcia! Jericho tells us that for the next ten minutes we will be a fantastical and magical journey down the halls of wonder and mystery, for we will experience an interview with a true icon of the sport. Randy Orton. Then Jericho jumps off the ladder and knocks himself out. HEY! It’s Randy Orton, and nothing you can say can change wookie knots and fleas!

RO: Hi! As you know I’ve challenged the Undertaker to start what he finished at Wrestlemania. Undertaker may be undefeated, but I have DESTINY! Do you hear that? What’s that sound? It’s DESTINY!


Voice of the Undertaker: No, they’re booing your sorry ass because you pretty much single handedly ruined Wrestlemania.
RO: No, they don’t boo at Randy Orton. They only DESTINY! DESTINY FOR ORTON~!
VotU: Look, kid. I hate to break your imagination, but you’re not going to win. You’ve slipped into concussion storylines and hanging out with Stacy Keibler, and I am above and beyond anything your puny existence can comprehend. I’ve transcended the industry and indeed life itself. You barely transcended the third grade! And you only did that because your dad threatened to brain your teacher with his cast.
RO: That’s not true! That’s impossible!
VotU: All right, then I give up! Job to me at Mania for all I care. It was either going to be you or Abe and Hnnrnnr, and quite frankly, you deserve it more!

Suddenly, a mangy old janitor jumps over the guardrail! Somebody call security! No, wait! That’s no ORDINARY mangy old janitor! That’s Jake the Snake Roberts. Man…Cruelty to animal charges are a harsh mistress. Jake gets on the mic. Get back to work! Get on the mop!

Jake “the Snake” Roberts: Underfaker! That’s right! You heard me…where’s my fiftthy bucks, man? You…You owe me!
VotU: Oh, man, Jake. You’ve seriously got some issues.
JtSR: I’ve got issues with fifty bucks! Who wants to see my snake!
Jerry Lawler: But Damien’s dead!
Jim Ross: Oh, oh God! Cover your eyes, King!
JtSR: That’s right! I’m the snake master around here! You don’t want to put ME in the Hall of Fame, Vince? Well I’ll show you who means what around here!
RO: Man, Takester, this guy is barely telligable!
VotU: What the hell are you talking about!
JtSR: I knew your grandpa, kid, and I new your daddy! And you, you sir are no snuffleupagus let me tell you that! In fact, I have half a mind to back around this whole caboose and show you the meaning of being lonely, right here in Fayetteville, Southizona!
RO: Oh yeah? Well you know what my grandfather and my father DIDN’T tell you? It’s that I’m the crème of the pop! I’m the candle in a lit room! I’m the gopher of the west and the cherry of the east! I’m like water under a still bridge and the roaring waves crashing over a mountain peak. In short, insert name of wrestler being insulted here, I am the greatest thing ever to come out of the WWE since spliced bread!
JtSR: I am to understand that you were once the wigidy world champion! Where’s your bonnet, Mr. Orkin? I don’t see a bonnet on your head? That must have meant that at some point between now and the last time I watched wrestling in Rocktober of 1993 you must have lostened it! WHERE IS YOUR BONNET, SIR?!
RO: I must make admittance! In truth, I lostened the bonnet some time ago!
JtSR: Then you are no measure of a man! You do not stand a chance against a wilier foe like Los Underoos! You will fail at your requestance for destiny at WrestleMania, because the Underoo, he is above and beyond what we can call “knowledge” but what he will most certainly call, “the beef jerky of life”! So I will train you! I will be the Dark Vader to your Like Skywaiter! I will be the Bruce Lee to your Jet Li!
VotU: As painful as it is, let me interject here and note that that can’t happen because the girls already got a training storyline going on. Come up with something else.
JtSR: Very well! Perhaps if I TRAIN yo….
VotU: Word association! Jake Roberts!
JtSR: That’s easy, I’m a legend.
RO: Did somebody say…DESTINY?!

Jake’s knees give out and he falls over.

VotU: Can’t you even do THAT right? You’re not supposed to say…oh never mind.
RO: This will quite possibly be the greatest Summerslam EVER!
Chris Jericho: Mommy, is that you?



Coming back soon? Hulk Hogan. What is this? Grandparent’s day?

Kane v. Chris Tian and Tyson Tomko (w/ The Goatee)

More Kane is exactly what one needs to cleanse the pallet after…whatever the hell was going on in that last segment. This is a handicap match, the handicap is really to Tian for having to work with a stiff like Tomko as his partner. What the hell are they feeding those kids in OVW? Frankie Kazarian is going to come out looking like Hnnrnnr at this rate. After a grand total of about fifteen seconds Tian bails because he’s pretty sure that “jobbing to Kane again” wasn’t on his “Road to Wrestlemania” itinerary. Tomko stays in, but jobs out faster than me in my NCAA Tournament brackets and so Kane wins. Tian tries to throw a ladder at Kane, but Kane catches it and eats it, much to Tian’s chagrin. He was going to return that ladder for store credit!

Flair is backstage with Abe Orton. ABE is the new member of Evolution? Daaaaamn, Flair is desperate!

Ric Flair: WOO! Abe! Woo! I said, Abe, By God, Orton! I’ve got a job for you!
Abe Orton: Does it involve killing babies? Because if it doesn’t, I’m afraid you’ll find that I’m grossly under qualified.
RF: No! I want you to job to Batista so that I don’t have to!
AO: Man, I’m not sure I’m thrilled with the idea.
AO: All right, all right! I’ll do it.
RF: Then I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy! WOO!
AO: What did you say?
RF: Nothing, Moon Face.


Man, for all those Snickers I’ve eaten they owe me, like, a hundred titles. What do you MEAN all those Hardcore titles I won back in 2000 count?

Lita and Christy are backstage training, William Regal and his boy Tajiri happen by.

Tajiri: You suck!
William Regal: Yes, indeed. My Oriental companion here makes a good point. I’d roger one out to both of you, given the chance, but your wrestling skills are significantly below par.
Christy Hemme: Isn’t that good? Don’t you want to shoot below par?
Lita: Don’t strain yourself, Christy.
WR: Yes, well. What I meant to say was above pa…no…bel…Oh, hell, I don’t know. Bugger you all anyway.
LT: Are you coming on to me?
WR: Er…no…why?
LT: Because if you were, we could marfflesnarfle…you know what I mean?
WR: Oh, ho, ho. Not in front of the children you little tart!

Tajiri spits mist in Regal’s eyes!

CH: Wow! Good one! Teach me how to do that one!
LT: Maybe later. For now, show William some of the punches I taught you.

Christy winds up and flops her hand forward, as the punch sails harmlessly near Regal. William, almost recovered blasts Christy with an uppercut knocking her across the room.

CH: Ow! I think I bruised my sternum!
LT: You’re first injury! Awesome! You’ve taken a valuable step here today!

Shawn Michaels is standing by with…Marty Jannetty? Oh you have GOT to be kidding me!

Shawn Michaels: Hey, Marty! How’s retirement?
Marty Jannetty: Oh, better than a plate glass window to the eye.
HBK: You’re not going to let go of that, are you?
MJ: You ruined my career, Shawn. Plus you stole Sherri from me!
HBK: What is it with you people holding grudges against me? Next week Sid’s gonna show up and try to brain me with a softball bat.
MJ: He won’t be able to hit you.
HBK: Yeah. Good times. Good times. So what do you want?
MJ: I heard it’s old timers day here at RAW. I got free admission.
HBK: How about that. Hey, I don’t suppose you want to have a match? The Rockers teaming up one more time?
MJ: Oh, no, no. I couldn’t possibly take away from your career, Shawn. You always were the better man.
HBK: Is that false modesty I detect?
MJ: Well…Maybe a little, yeah.
HBK: You’re flat broke aren’t you?
MJ: Please let me wrestle on RAW!
HBK: Fine, but I ain’t wearin’ no fruity tassels.
MJ: Are these your mirror pants?
HBK: Give me those!
MJ: I should’ve asked to work with Al Snow.
HBK: What was that?
MJ: Nothing. Nothing.


Shelton Benjamin v. Edge

Before the match even starts, Edge attacks Shelton. Oh, young Adam, full of rage. One would think that a guy everybody KNOWS is getting some would be a lot happier than this? Maybe he’s just pissed off that Shelton constantly jobs, but never seems to defend his title. Yeah, lots of people wish they would have thought up that strategy. When things settle down, WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda asks if Shelton would like to start the match anytime soon. And Shelton is all like, “Haven’t we been going for, like, ten minutes now”? When Chioda tells him that the bell never rung, Shelton rolls his eyes and storms up the ramp. Ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!


Edge tries the Spear, but Shelton jumps on his head. Edge crumples up and rolls out of the ring. Oh, dammit Shelton, if you would’ve kept jumping you would’ve gotten a 1up! Kids these days! Now I’M feeling old. What the hell year is this anyway? Some shuffling around accidentally knocks out Chioda, which allows Edge to pick up the ladder, however, Jericho picks just that moment to wake up from his ringside slumber, accidentally knocking over the ladder, causing Edge to fall into the pan, which flips the boot, which kicks the dog, which falls out of the ring, which wakes the ref, who counts the three. Shelton Trap! Ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!


The Rockers v. La Resistance

The Rockers prance out. Man, I swear to you, this is the best 1988 RAW EVER~! Marty gets in there and brawls for a while, which is a nice touch. Good to see the old guy hasn’t forgotten how to do crap. Shawn tags in and things get crazy go nuts, as the two manage to BOTH blow the kip up spot at exactly the same time. THAT’S teamwork right there. La Resistance does well to control Shawn who is still suffering from the devastating lack of any sort of powers of note, but Marty comes in to make the save and the Rockers win their first match in nearly 250 years. Marty shakes his tassels at Shawn who does his best to ignore the fact that he had any part in this.

Flair and Hunter are back in the Evolution locker room.

Triple H: You’re recruiting Orton? Three weeks and that’s the best you could do? Abe Orton.
Ric Flair: I don’t see you trying that hard, other than getting poor Sledgie killed last week.
HHH: Oh, God. I TOLD YOU last week, that we could just buy another one. Sledgie…The sledgehammer was an inanimate object, Ric!
RF: Maybe to you, he was. But to me, he was twice the man you’ll ever be. WOO!
HHH: Oh, come on.
RF: No, no! It’s true! Plus, I hope you job to Benoit like you did last year at Wrestlemania!
HHH: You know very well that’s not going to happen.
RF: That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!

(Commercial break.)

Maria is standing by with Trish Stratus….

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m with Trish Stratus, and Trish I understand you must be pumped for your match at Wrestlemania!
Trish Stratus: Pumped? PUMPED? Why should I be pumped? My match is going to suck worse than any other match on this card, and that’s really saying something, have you SEEN the Mania card?
MTL: Oh no, I don’t watch wrestling.
TS: Well let me tell you something, that card is FULL of suck, and we’re going to suck twice as much as any of them…And I kinda like it.
MTL: How’s that?
TS: See after I cripple Christy, then I’m coming after you, and Josh Matthews, and Lillian Garcia, until the WWE HAS to hire back old Nipples McGee and Jazz and what’s her name? The fat one. You know who I’m talking about. Then women’s wrestling will return to RAW!
MTL: Will it still be boring?
TS: Yeah. Probably.
MTL: That’s some plan you have there. NOT!
TS: Oh yeah? Well did you plan for this?!

Trish nails Maria with an ancient Ming vase, and storms away. Maria lays on the ground and moans. She likes the pain! Someone sign her to a wrestling contract! Quick!

Flair is with Abe again.

Ric Flair: WOO! You’re the greatest Wrestler Alive today!
Abe Orton: Uh…Have you ever seen any of my matches?
RF: That’s why you’re the Champ! WOO!
AO: The champ of what? Killing babies? That really wasn’t my fault anyway. Funny story….
RF: Story? Stories? I love stories!! Tell me a story, Abe!
AO: Look behind you!
RF: I don’t get it. Was that the end? That story su….
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:
DBD: You used to listen to my STORIES!
RF: Dave, you can still be part of the team! Come back!
DBD: NO! The World Title is more IMPORTANT!
RF: But we’re your family, Dave! WOO!
DBD: That is why it is so hard to give you an Osprey BOMB!
RF: Woo.
DBD: Abe Orton SUCKS!
AO: What’d I do?

Triple H is on his way to the ring


He’s…uhh…he’s still coming.


Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Chris Benoit

OMG SUPLEXES~! I’ll be damned if Benoit doesn’t like him some suplexes. During the match’s first extended resthold sequence, Flair gets cranky and goes after another grab at OO’s own Erin “Erin” Anderson, whom he famously groped last year. She’s not having any of that though, and she chops him. Flair begs off. While the referee is distracted by all of these goings on, Triple H hits Benoit in the balls and nails the PEDIGREE TO BENOIT~! For the win. He’s a real cerebral assassin, you know? Triple H has got a lot of momentum heading into Wrestlemania. Benoit, meanwhile, has still got a scruffy beard. I’m pretty sure this isn’t what Dave was hoping for when he booked this match.


“You’ve Got Mail” Oh, NOW they’re reaching….

LitaLuvsPuppies178: You there, d00d?
Edgerton: Yep.
LitaLuvsPuppies178: What’s up?
Edgerton: Not mcuh. U?
LitaLuvsPuppies178: U sur this’ secure? Wanna Cyber?
Edgerton: Yep.
Edgerton: Yah ok.

VeeeOnah1 has logged on.

VeeeOnah1: Wat’s goin on?
LitaLuvsPuppies178: OMG! W’ere Caught!
Edgerton: Damn!
VeeeOnah1: What teh hell is goin on hree?!
LitaLuvsPuppies178: Mat, let me levle with u, I luv dege!
LitaLuvsPuppies178: I mean Ege!
LitaLuvsPuppies178: Edge!
VeeOnah1: NOOOOOOOoooooooooo!

StoneCold1998 has logged on.

StoneCold1998: What?
VeeOnah1: Ooooooooooooooooo!
LitaLuvsPuppies178: No need to shout, Ege!
StoneCold1998: What?

BigRedMachine has logged on.

BigRedMachine: OMG ZERG RUSH! Kikikikikikikiki >-<
StoneCold1998: What?
BigRedMachine: U mean this isn’t Strarcraft chat?
VeeeOnah1: oooooooooooooooo
Edgerton: Kane, what are you doing in here?
LitaLuvsPuppies178: don’t strart a fihgt, Ede!
BigRedMachine: Edge? Liat? HOW COULD YOU DO TIS 2 ME?
StoneCold1998: What?
StoneCold1998: Man, this lag is horrible.

StoneCold1998 has logged off.
1m4g1 has logged on.

1m4g1: 1’m 4 1337 h4X0r!
VeeOnah1: oooooooooooo
1m4g1: d1d u d00dz see TN4? I told u I waz hardcore
BigRedMachine: Brb.

BigRedMachine has logged off.

1m4g1: reed all bout it at my l1vejournal!
VeeOnah: ooooooooo!

SexyDannyDoring has logged on.
AARK has logged on….

SexyDannyDoring: I’m teaching Roadkill to use the internet!
LitaLuvsPuppies178: L0l no need to shout d00d.
1m4g1: somebody notice my existence!
VeeOnah1: Oooooooo
Edgerton: Lita, let’s leave!
SexyDannyDoring: Lita? My love? Don’t u remember? We got engaged during a hot and heavy session of Everquest! My level 2 Dwarf Mage gave your Level 18 Elf Cleric a hunk of rat meat, and u said I do!
LitaLuvsPuppies178: Oh, Danny! I thought I’d lost u forevah!

LitaLuvsPuppies178 has logged off.
SexyDannyDoring has logged off.

VeeeOnah1: were’d Knae go? I wanded to aks him someting.
Edgerton: I think he had to go, man.
VeeeOnah1: Oh. L0l.

RFVideo has logged on.

RFVideo: A/S/L?

That’s a pretty accurate portrayal of that movie.

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are out.

Muhammed Hassan: I have a question for all of you folks. Why don’t you think we’re cool? Is it Daivari’s suits?
Khosrow Daivari: I TOLD you why we’re not cool. Our gimmick sucks.
MH: STILL? I thought we took care of that little problem.
KD: Going back to our original gimmick does NOT count.
MH: Ok. Damn. All right. Plan D.
KD: No.
MH: Do it.
KD: So, Muhammed, what are we going to do NEXT Monday night?
MH: The same thing we do EVERY Monday night, Daivari, try to take the World Title!
MH: Ok, that sucked. I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.
KD: My fault?

Oh, man, it’s CHARLIE HAAS!

Sound Guy: Goddamn WinAMP! I said “Hassan!” HASSAN!
Charlie Haas: Hi. I…uh…don’t know why I’m out here. Except maybe to challenge you to a match at Wrestlemania?
MH: Then I don’t have to job to Hogan! You’ve got yourself a deal!
CH: Oh, awesome. I’m finally on the card!

That’s going to be the interpromotional Match that will ROCK THE WORLD~!

Christy is backstage with Lita.

Christy Hemme: I’ll be a little late to our training session, I’ve gotta go check on Maria!
Lita: Don’t be TOO late or you’ll never learn any…uh…”moves”.
CH: Don’t worry. I won’t.
Abe Orton: Hey, ladies, can I ask you a question.
LT: Don’t we hate you?
AO: It’ll only take a second.
LT: Hurry up, then.
AO: Have any babies for me?
LT: Ugh. For the last time, NO!
AO: Damn. I’ve got a craving. A craving for babies!


“Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Abe Orton (w/ Triple H and Triple Naitch)

Dave and Abe break out some mat wrestling to start, however, it quickly degrades into a brawlfest because they both want to save something fro their inevitable PPV feud. Dave sets up the OSPREY BOMB TO ORTON~! but Flair runs in and kicks his knee and that’s pretty much going to be a DQ there. Triple H comes in to get himself a piece of Dave, but who makes the save but Kane. I thought the show need some more of him. OMG KANE RUSH Kikikikikiki >-< HHH, Flair and Abe all bail, get chairs, and then bail again. Is Abe actually in Evolution now? If so, that’s AWESOME! As Dave does the cabbage patch, Triple H informs him that next week, he’ll be wrestling the person sitting right behind him. Oh my God! Dave v. Lillian Garcia! NEXT WEEK~! Then, a true legend on this a night of Legends comes out, as Mantaur gores Flair off the stage.

Next Week: Dave jobs to Lillian Garcia in what is sure to be a twenty minute ********** workrate classic. Chrises Jericho and Benoit take on Edge and his partner…The Ladder! Plus, Randy Orton rambles some more about Destiny as the Voice of the Undertaker thinks about developing laryngitis some time around April 3rd.

Scenes From Training with Lita and Christy
Chapter Two: …And That’s what we call the Hurricanrana.

Christy Hemme: I’m back.
Lita: How’s Maria?
CH: Who?
LT: Never mind. Let me show you your first “move”. We call this the “Hurricanrana.” That’s Spanish for “Flippy Guy”.
CH: What other moves will you teach me?
LT: Uh…the moonsault. And…that’s about it.
CH: Show me! Show me!

An extended training montage ensues of Christy jumping in the air and then whacking her head on the floor.

LT: No! Harder!

Christy jumps high into the air, and lands on the top of her head, her body falls in a heap.

LT: …And that’s what we call the Hurricanrana. You did well.
CH: Are you my mommy?
LT: No. Next week I will teach you the secrets of the moonsault.
CH: I like silly bunnies!

Lita leaves. Elsewhere….

Trish Stratus: How goes the training.
LT: I don’t know. She seems resilient. She was just as lucid as ever after the Hurricanranna.
TS: Damn. Damn. Ok. It’s going to work out fine. Next week, after she trims your bonzai….
LT: Is that a euphemism for something?
TS: No. You know, those little trees.
LT: Oh.
TS: Then teach her the Crane.
LT: Oh, you can’t be serious. I get a paper cut every time I try that.
TS: No…not…Oh never mind. Just get to work.
LT: You got it.

To Be Continued!

(edited by Excalibur05 on 15.3.05 1204)
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#2 Posted on 15.3.05 1215.08
Reposted on: 15.3.12 1215.53
Whew! You really finished strong this week with the Mantaur gore of Flair and this little gem:

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    An extended training montage ensues of Christy jumping in the air and then whacking her head on the floor.

    LT: No! Harder!

I mean, that is just *beautiful*, man. Great, great satire this week.
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#3 Posted on 15.3.05 1226.39
Reposted on: 15.3.12 1229.04
RAW Satire has been getting funnier and funnier each week.

Highlights for me included:
Jake and Orton's nonsense conversation
HBK and Marty discussing tassles and mirror pants
Shelton's 1-up attempt
You Got Mail ad (RFVideo as the closer was awesome)

Brilliant stuff, keep it up

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From: Sleep (That's where I'm a viking)

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#4 Posted on 15.3.05 1314.50
Reposted on: 15.3.12 1315.01
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    HHH, Flair and Abe all bail, get chairs, and then bail again. Is Abe actually in Evolution now? If so, that’s AWESOME!

If only for the inevitable return of the PEDIGREE TO ORTON~!

Great Satire, Matt.
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