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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - I AM DEAN! WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 2/17/05
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#1 Posted on 17.2.05 2103.27
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2103.30
My wife is breast feeding 18 hours a day- as I seem to have created two young men who enjoy the fair charms of a lady. She read from her La Leche league e-mail that she needed a Guinness to assist with her breast-feeding AND THUS so she foolishly sent me to the Beer Store. So. I got her some Guinness and myself a 6 of Victory Storm King and a pint of Sammy Smith Imperial Stout. I love me an Imperial Stoot! I think this week I will try to see how many words I can type in two hours- to make up for the last couple of weeks where I was distracted. and sucking ass from a reviewing standpoint. Your job in life is to edit what I fuck up. There. You now have a purpose in this world. The greatest of all possible worlds.

WHAT WORKED-

- Batista to Smackdown is good. Rey Rey and Eddy versus the Bashams should be good. The Doug versus Rey was a fun little match. Eddy is fabulous at ringside. I'm warming up and trying to get the younguns to bed so I missed a batch.

- Shannon Moore is awesome. I remember the days driving four hours to see him and the Hardys in OMEGA. The closest we've ever been to a blade job was Moore and Joey Matthews blading two feet from us during a ladder match. It was awesome. Paul London sells like a KING as Chavo puts the knee to his stomach. Random divas come out and 39 year old virgins quickly put on their Galactus Hand Puppets! MY HUNGER IS GREAT! I WILL EAT THIS SKIN SO SOFT! PUNY HUMAN, SQUIRT IT IN MY MOUTH! NOW! I WILL DEVOUR THE TINY INTERGALACTIC SNAKE THAT ORBITS THE TINY SACCED BINARY STARS IN YOUR PAUNTS! UUUUUNGH... Funaki with a nice Enzuguirir. London and Moore die fabulously with the sweet Double Tope Con Hilo. Funaki with the Superkick? Torrie announces the winner and Galactus must deal with the shameful spacestains from the planetary viscuous excretion on his molded plastic face. I need the first Victory Storm king.

- Okay, I loved the Pulp Fiction commercial. I'm not made of wood.

- Angle comes out and shows the rubes in Cleveland his gold medal. Angle with the hip lingo is bringing him back to the ZONE of heel fabulousness. He continues to diss the Iron Sheik's gold medal. Danny Lemonjello from Cleveland comes out and they start the clock. Angle makes with the dickish punches out of the break that I love. That's so Fit Finlayish. Angle Slam and the ankle submission and we keep rolling, awaiting the Goldbergian upset. Cena comes out. He's not wearing a Gaylord Perry Indians jersey so he is just a fucking PUNK! Goddam, Victory Storm King is soooo the best Stoot on earth. YEs. You may now speak of the Bells Imperial Stout, you Midwestern motherfuckers. Tell us how it cures herpes while tasting like Harley Race wrestles. Oh. I thought it was a FACE-OFF between Cena and Angle, and now I see that it is a match. Let "enter"

- Cena and Booker T lock up. They should have a perfectly fine match. Booker T is NWA 80s Southern style- if not the deepest purveyor of the art. Cena was trained in OVW which tries to bring back the same style that Booker T came out of. Neither of these two are as good as Sting in 1991 so this could only be so good. Booker works stiff but never can pull off being an ass-stomper. Cena is a lesser example of Booker T's style. Cena also didn't have the advantage of fueding with Finlay, Benoit and the fucking MASTERFUL Rick Martel while finding his singles style, so Booker T is better wrestler- even if Booker T never rose to the level of the compadres in the WCW US title scene when he first detached himself from his non-working brother. They counter the finishers of each other and they go to a commercial and I go get a another sweet sweet Victory Storm King. Booker T with the vertical suplex and Booker T is bringing it tonight. It does feel like Booker T is trying to remember how Benoit carried him 98 and is trying emulate the psychology. Booker T is relentless on offense like Benoit would be, thus allowing Cena to sell bigger and draw the crowd in without cena having to try to much that is out of his comfort zone. Cena bumps big to the floor and sells like death on the floor. Booker paces the match well and hits big offense as the crowd really gets behind his simmering comeback. The nearfalls lead up to a true resthold. Here is where Booker T is nothing like his single mentor. Benoit makes a resthold not a resthold. Benoit makes it a SUBMISSION and it's as active as any part of the match. Here, it's a pedestrian set-up for a comeback by Cena. Booker T cuts off Cena's comeback and I want to say that Tazz and Cole get over the psychology really well. I nice sequence where Cena counters a Axe Kick and Booker counters the F-U by grabbing the toprope and Cena turns it into a Hotshot. Booker cuts him off again and Cena gets the flash pin off the unlikely comeback F-U. Good match. Best match I've seen Booker T in in a while.

- Willie Nelson Sings commercial comes on and I start to realize that I think I'm actually too happy in my life right now for me to truly appreciate Willie like when I was younger and struggling to find my way. Willie and George Jones are about disorder and uncertainty and emotion destroying all that is good and true in you. It helps you in your struggle to get it all back, but after the glaze of suburban splendor sets, Willie is a memory. I don't want to be that bittersweet and broken ever again- especially to the point where Willie Nelson would mean that much to me and be that important to me. You young folks in your 20s, listen to George Jones and listen to Willie Nelson. They are an important part of your life. It's wisdom you take in through osmosis. It's wisdom you don't get from any other source. That's why that shit is so fucking great and important and is the reason why people who aren't American go deep into the roots of American music to find truth about their own lives. REAL country music is God's gift of grace to America to give to the world.

- JBL acting is hilarious. He busts on Cleveland. He states that he is not a pussy. JBL is a WRESTLING GOD! Batista shows up in a Mazda. Batista uses an ALUMINUM bat? How un-Buford Pusser is that? Big Show comes out without the bass. He should come out to "Fool For The City". Big Show gets his groin crushes. Batista makes the save and the crowd pops like FREAKS. It's awesome. That's how you end a television show.

- Big Show and Josh are together again. Josh can't figure out if he can abide Big Show's Foghat moustache. Big Show talks about his experience and yet he is excited about his new experiences he sees coming up over the horizon. Big Show doesn't like Josh talking about Batista.

- Booker T is WALKING! (Sorry.) Heidenreich does odd method acting- where I assume his motivation is "Okay, Heidenriech. Yer on the terlit. You ate a live badger..." Oh. Yes. Another. Storm. King.

- MUGATAKER is fucking great selling for Jindrak. He is so old school. Decent match. MUGATAKER is fucking awesome when doing the old school match. No POV CheatCam after Rains takes the camera and THUS I'm disappointed.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- I can't do the Bowflex. I'm an adult now. I have four kids. I have a car, a truck and a mini-van. I vote Republican sometimes now. I can't lose my giant fleshy section under my chin and around my mid-section. I can't have my kids growing up with an annoying vain and in-shape father. My dad went to seed in his 30s and so should I. I'm walking the dog ever night and I try to not eat at Hardees more than twice a month. I mean I want to BE healthy, I just don't want to look like I try to be healthy. It's just not American. Americans, we pride ourselves on our free spirit and lust for life. We drink too much and eat too much and drive too fast and work too long and shoot each other over throwing rocks at cats and over unreturned lawn mowers. We're bat shit crazy. No wonder everybody wants to live here with us. We're a giant big screen television five couch den and everybody is in their boxer shorts and drinking a Bud lite. Bowflex has no place in MY America.

- fuck these Red Bull ads. Red Bull back in myyyyyyyyyyyy day was a truly shitty malt liquor- without the taste of OE or Magnum and without the street cred of Crazy Horse or St Ides. And if you drank MYYYY Red Bull, you wouldn't get wings- you'd earn your MOTHERFUCKING RED WINGS if you could remember it all. mmmmmmm pussy.

- Luther Reigns versus Nunzio. They showed Roddy Piper getting into the hall of fame. All I can think of when I see Roddy Piper is the night when he lost all of his heat is the shortest amount of time in the history of wrestling. I speak of- of course- TEAM PIPER. Remember? John Tenta was the most over. Horshue did some shoot-fighting with Piper. the fat guy with the beard grappled with Piper. They disappeared immediately upon noticing the horrendous reaction of the crowd. And wasn't Goldberg one of the members? I know I got it on tape somewhere. MEANWHILE! Horshue is all about the prison lingo. UT was fucked over by Maddog Buzz Sawyer when he was trying to get trained so he afraid of ANYTHING, I would assume. Hell, if you try to find and beat Buzz Sawyer's ass, you have got to be prepared to experience more than anyone in jail would ever experience.

- Fuck a warm sensations Trojan. ONE. Trojans SUCK and break. TWO. Why the fuck do you need more than the actual penetration of sweet sweet Southern cooter? I guess this about fucking big haired Northern women. Is that what this is all about? You REALLY need something past the sight of raw naked surrender writhing to your gentle touch? What kind of fucking emotionless automatons filled to the gills with sexual ennui are you people? What you fuckers need is bourbon, a filling meal and an Arthur Lymon record. Just try to move like Elvis when he sings and you won't need a fucking special effect condom, you pathetic fuck...ing beloved gentle reader.

- Eat my ass, Anti-Tobacco commercial. This is fucking AMERICA. If you want to die of lung cancer, you should be able to. And fuck Subway. I'd take one of your I HATE AMERICA SANDWICHES and deep fry it in Dickle and batter and then decorate it like a birthday cake- but instead of icing it would be mayonnaise. And then I would put 38 candles on this cake. but they wouldn't be candles it would be vienna sausages. And then I would put some cream cheese on it and would eat it. Then I would fecally spray it across the front window of the nearest shitty Subway near my house. And I'd write my name. And me fucking address. And I'd- with my ass- write direction on how to suck my dick till the yogurt whitewashes your collective un-American corporate tonsils. Suck my ass.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.
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geemoney
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#2 Posted on 17.2.05 2212.04
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2213.21
The thing that really struck me about Smackdown was when Batista got out of his car in started walking. He really has that "star" presence, the look, the way he carries himself, everything. He seems to have that "it" quality.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#3 Posted on 17.2.05 2216.23
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2216.30
    Originally posted by geemoney
    The thing that really struck me about Smackdown was when Batista got out of his car in started walking. He really has that "star" presence, the look, the way he carries himself, everything. He seems to have that "it" quality.

WORD.
Matt Tracker
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#4 Posted on 17.2.05 2217.12
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2217.36
Dean, back me up here. With Johnny Cash and George Jones off hosting the Big Honkytonk in the Sky, Willie Nelson IS the Living Country God. Only Alan Jackson seems to have the material and style to one day earn his crown and even if Willie dropped dead tonight, Alan would have to work a few more decades to wear it right.

I mean, God love Merle Haggard and all, but Willie has written songs that many people would never guess were written by him, songs they've loved for decades without knowing who crafted them.

And how cute was Jack White as he utterly deferred to Loretta Lynn during the Grammys like Renfeild grabbing sodas for Dracula. Loretta may be aged, craggy, brusque and crude, but I believe she can kill a man with her bare hands and make a rug, five meals and a hat from his caracass.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#5 Posted on 17.2.05 2225.28
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2225.28
    Originally posted by Matt Tracker
    Dean, back me up here. With Johnny Cash and George Jones off hosting the Big Honkytonk in the Sky, Willie Nelson IS the Living Country God. Only Alan Jackson seems to have the material and style to one day earn his crown and even if Willie dropped dead tonight, Alan would have to work a few more decades to wear it right.

    I mean, God love Merle Haggard and all, but Willie has written songs that many people would never guess were written by him, songs they've loved for decades without knowing who crafted them.

    And how cute was Jack White as he utterly deferred to Loretta Lynn during the Grammys like Renfeild grabbing sodas for Dracula. Loretta may be aged, craggy, brusque and crude, but I believe she can kill a man with her bare hands and make a rug, five meals and a hat from his caracass.


Well, Lorretta is a LEGEND. She wrote FIST CITY. She is not be fucked with. As for Merle, he wrote "Walking on the Fight Side of Me" and "Swinging Doors" which are both INTRINSIC to a man's relationship to America. Willie is more artistic and concillatory while Merle is bowed up and could give a shit. The beauty of Real Country Music is that it's bigger than our life experience. It's providence guiding you along beyond you can understand when it is affecting you.

(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 17.2.05 2326)
Mr Tuesday
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#6 Posted on 17.2.05 2241.57
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2242.17
http://wmsvod.wwe.com/smackdown/200502/wmpulpfiction300.wmv

WWE.com has the Pulp Fiction spoof up.
The Goon
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#7 Posted on 17.2.05 2251.43
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2252.56
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    The beauty of Real Country Music is that it's bigger than our life experience. It's providence guiding you along beyond you can understand when it is affecting you.


Somehow I don't think you're including Lonestar's "Mr.Mom" in that category.

I liked how they played up the anticipation of Batista's arrival, and his unwavering calmness in destroying the limo. His attitude is "There's not a person in the WWE who could beat me." And he shows it without being an overly cocky jackass.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#8 Posted on 17.2.05 2255.25
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2255.26
    Originally posted by The Goon
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      The beauty of Real Country Music is that it's bigger than our life experience. It's providence guiding you along beyond you can understand when it is affecting you.


    Somehow I don't think you're including Lonestar's "Mr.Mom" in that category.


I do believe you are correct, my brother.
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#9 Posted on 17.2.05 2323.51
Reposted on: 17.2.12 2325.00
From WWE.com's summary of Smackdown, in other words, proofreader needed:
Also, Rey Mysterio revoked the rematch clause in his contract to face WWE Tag Team Champions the Bashams. He also announced his partner would be Eddie Guerrero.
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#10 Posted on 18.2.05 0051.20
Reposted on: 18.2.12 0051.40
George Jones is dead?
Eddie Famous
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#11 Posted on 18.2.05 0111.22
Reposted on: 18.2.12 0114.03
Jones is NOT dead, but if you younguns can listen to "The Grand Tour" when George rhymes "nursery" with "mercy" and it doesn't kill a little piece of you dead...
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#12 Posted on 18.2.05 0138.06
Reposted on: 18.2.12 0139.14
Excellent report, Dean. Anyone who can manage to appreciate the greatness of Rick Martel and still manage to squeak in a reference to Foghat is doing a fine job in my eyes.

Also, if the only things that didn't work, aside from Luther Reigns, were the commercials, then this was probably the best SD we've seen in a while.

But Dean, when you say Batista going to SD is awesome, do you mean just for his run-in tonight, or are you a proponent of him actually jumping shows? I'm still not convinced that he should.
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#13 Posted on 18.2.05 0641.47
Reposted on: 18.2.12 0641.50
I never figured that Heidenreich would get into the WHAT WORKED category. He will forever belong in that other category.

You know that Dean is having a good night when the majority of WHAT DIDN'T WORK are commercial products and not crappy Smackdown matches.
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#14 Posted on 18.2.05 0733.42
Reposted on: 18.2.12 0733.42
    Originally posted by Stilton
    But Dean, when you say Batista going to SD is awesome, do you mean just for his run-in tonight, or are you a proponent of him actually jumping shows? I'm still not convinced that he should.


I think DEAN wants him on Smackdown because he would elevate Smackdown and I don't believe that DEAN lowers himself to actually watch Raw.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#15 Posted on 18.2.05 0904.52
Reposted on: 18.2.12 0906.05
    Originally posted by pieman
      Originally posted by Stilton
      But Dean, when you say Batista going to SD is awesome, do you mean just for his run-in tonight, or are you a proponent of him actually jumping shows? I'm still not convinced that he should.


    I think DEAN wants him on Smackdown because he would elevate Smackdown and I don't believe that DEAN lowers himself to actually watch Raw.


Yeah, I can't bring myself to watch 4 hours of WWE a week.

And George Jones is like the last five years of Terry Gordy's life to me or like Richard Pryor is to me now. He's alive but I've already finished mourning his death years ago (which is why it didn't phase me when he was assumed dead in the post above.)
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#16 Posted on 18.2.05 0957.21
Reposted on: 18.2.12 0957.31
    Originally posted by DEAN
    I'm not made of wood.


That you've made four kids might suggest otherwise.
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#17 Posted on 18.2.05 1853.01
Reposted on: 18.2.12 1855.04
Only time I've ever seen Willie Nelson was in Wichita Falls in the early early 90s, when he was presumably playing anywhere to work off that IRS bill.

He played "Whiskey River" three times.
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#18 Posted on 19.2.05 1207.58
Reposted on: 19.2.12 1210.39
    Originally posted by Matt Tracker
    Dean, back me up here. With Johnny Cash and George Jones off hosting the Big Honkytonk in the Sky, Willie Nelson IS the Living Country God. Only Alan Jackson seems to have the material and style to one day earn his crown and even if Willie dropped dead tonight, Alan would have to work a few more decades to wear it right.

    I mean, God love Merle Haggard and all, but Willie has written songs that many people would never guess were written by him, songs they've loved for decades without knowing who crafted them.

    And how cute was Jack White as he utterly deferred to Loretta Lynn during the Grammys like Renfeild grabbing sodas for Dracula. Loretta may be aged, craggy, brusque and crude, but I believe she can kill a man with her bare hands and make a rug, five meals and a hat from his caracass.


What about Dwight Yoakam? ...or does he just try too hard.
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