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The 7 - Guest Columns - Maven's First RAW Satire (11/15/04)
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 16.11.04 0336.24
Reposted on: 16.11.11 0336.25
Last Night: Maven eliminated at least 12 guys to become the sole Survivor of the Dark Match Championships. Triple H survived the teaming of a Dave, a boring pretty guy and a baby killer to job to Randy Orton. And, hey, the RAW Faces won their match which means they get to be GM, so who will be the GM…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

La Resistance is in the ring signing their new track off NOW That’s What I Call WWE The Music Volume 16, “Hey, Hey, Hey, Were’ Totally French Guys”. Are they the general manager? That’s a little confusing to say the least. No…wait…the RAW GM will be…THE ROCK!!! OMG!!!!

MV: Hey guys! It’s me! Maven!

Oh.

MV: I’ve got a really exciting show lined up for you tonight. Well…I HAD a really exciting show for you tonight until they told me that I couldn’t use any of my friends from Heat because they were all getting fired. So, instead, I bring to you…whatever the crap they told me to tell you!

And the crowd goes mild!

MV: So…tonight we’ll have J.R. v. Coach, because I love announcers wrestling and HATE the Coach, Stacy v. Lance Storm because the WWE needs some hot babes, and uh…Me v. HHH because if I win, then I won’t get fired for sure. The MAVEN PUSH CONTINUES!! Insert menacing laughter!
SG: Err…what about us?
MV: Oh. How about a tag team title match? That’d be cool, right? Uh…you versus…I don’t know any tag teams.
SG: Make some up.
RC: Yeah, there, like, aren’t any tag teams on RAW.
MV: Ok. Well, then….heeeeeere’s a match….

Rhyno and Tajiri v. Eugene and William Regal v. La Resistance
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Backstage….

TH: Aw, man. Can you believe this?
SKoDBF: I know? We’re totally a tag team.
TH: Shut the hell up. Ever since you became a float it’s like I hardly know you any more.
SKoDBF: It’s better than Suga Rosey.
TH: Touche.

(ads)

Some great back and forth action between the fans in the fourth row. In the ring however, Tajiri and Eugene trade quips about how much they thought Tajiri was underated in his run in ECW. Wow. Way to cross promote the DVD. Tajiri and Rhyno are eliminated due to fan apathy. Regal tags in for about 12 seconds until he gives up trying to get people to pay attention and tags back in Eugene. Eugene, to show his appreciation for the temporary GM nails Conway with the Rock Bottom and the People’s Elbow and picks up the win. We have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!! Eugene freaks out because he’s THIS close to becoming Bret Hart. Some Random Kids wander into the ring and are clubbed and tazered by security.

(ads)

Josh Mathews is backstage with William Regal….

JM: Josh Mathews, Tough Enough Loser but still an awesome dude, standing by here with William Regal, and William, how do you feel about winning the tag team titles.
WR: Bloody awful.
JM: What? Really?
WR: Hell yes, I feel awful. Now I’ve got to tag with Eugene ALL THE TIME. What a git. He’s like bloody herpes, I just can’t shake him.
JM: Err….
WR: That came out all wrong….
JM: I’ve got some salve.
WR: Oh really? How does that work?
JM: Oh, it’s pretty good, I mean there’s some mild discomfort, but….

Eugene runs by and dumps a can of Nacho Cheese over Regal and Mathews.

JM: God dammit.
WR: I know.

Elsewhere, Maven is wandering around.

MV: Hey, Tough Enough Jessie! How’s it goin’ girl? I haven’t seen you in, like….
TEJ: MONTHS?! I GOT FIRED MAVEN! Thanks for reminding me. WAAAAAH!

Jessie storms off.

MV: Why the hell is she backstage then?
HHH: Perhaps she’s looking for something.
MV: Zoiks. What the hell are you doing behind my door, Hunter?
HHH: I’m going to help you look for something too.
MV: Oh yeah, and what’s that?
HHH: My contact. I dropped it over hereish. Oh man, that sucks. I need that crap to see, Maven!
MV: Oh, you’ll be SEEING all right tonight. SEEING my foot shoved up your face!
HHH: Speaking of FACES, Maven, how would you like to turn. We’re always looking for a good man to join Evolution.
MV: The only thing I’m going to JOIN is my legs joining the air to hit you with a dropkick to hell.
HHH: Wouldn’t you rather get your LEGS up somewhere else? Evolution can help you get a leg up!
MV: Oh yeah, well you have a stupid FACE. How do you like them apples.
HHH: Oh man, you broke it. We had a really cool thing there going for a minute.
MV: Hold on a MIN….
HHH: Oh, no no no. Don’t try to go back into it. It’s over. See you later, kid.
MV: Dammit!

(ads)

Lita v. Molly Holly

Why did Maven book this match? I mean seriously, what the hell? Was it just because he loved women’s wrestling SO much, but Nidia wasn’t around? In any event, Lita wins in about 15 seconds with…a…uh…headlock. Molly is crappy. This space must have been reserved for Gail Kim. Trish Stratus comes out in a Kane mask, because this match needed quite a bit more Kane. Lita starts to cry, but she’s able to recover quickly enough to DDT Molly and remind Trish that X-Pac used to wear that mask, and also that X-Pac was just in Lita’s womb. Trish vomits so hard she breaks her nose.

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman v. Jim Ross

Err…See….Maven didn’t the memo….

Jonathan Coachman v. Randy Orton

Coach starts running into the crowd, but falls over. Orton wins. Randy celebrates while the crowd chants “RKO”, but he’s not over. Nope. Not at all. Despite what you may have heard.

Edge and Chris Tian are backstage with Todd Grisham….

CT: So, woah woah woah woah wait. Are we brothers now or not?
EG: I…um…Todd?
TG: I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW?! OK?! ARE YOU HAPPY?
CT: Not really. This thing is a little confusing.
EG: Remember back in the day when we used to be a tag team?
CT: Yeah. That really sucked.
EG: Those days were filled with suckocity.
CT: Suck City.
TG: Interview over. Can I go home now?
EG: Todd, do you think that in some alternate reality, you’re a bigger star than Christian or I?
TG: I hope so. I wouldn’t be nearly so miserable there.
CT: Dude, I just figured it out. This book says your name is “Adam Copeland”. Your last name isn’t even Tian. We’re not brothers.
EG: Oh.
Voice of the Undertaker: Oh, no you don’t! We’re not wasting all those years of build. You’re brothers whether you like it or not.
EG: But Taaaaaaaker….
VotU: Now offer up a human sacrifice to appease me before I go all Hnnrnnr on your ass.
TG: I’ll do it!

Todd throws himself into a pit of acid.

VotU: It is good.
EG: Why do we have a vat of acid just sitt….
VotU: EDGE!!
EG: Geez. Ok, Ok.
CT: Dude, do a five second pose.
EG: Ok. Here’s a great one!

Edge does the famous Country Bears Hoedown pose to a huge pop.

EG: You guys liked that? And I’ve been saying “Can a Girl Get a Salad”? Aw fu….

(ads)

Randy Orton is backstage drinking a bottle of butterscotch syrup.

RO: Hey, Maven. What’s up with you, man? Are you joining Evolution?
MV: Uh…probably. Think about it, I’d ALWAYS get pushed.
RO: No you wouldn’t.
MV: Oh yeah? Look at you!
RO: Good point.
MV: You just want me to beat HHH because you KNOW I’ll job to you.
RO: You know it.
MV: Hmph.

Edge and Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko) v. Chris Benoit and Shelton Benjamin

Christian looks like a friggin’ nerd, but he’s got cool new music. Honestly, he looks like he’s trying out for Bret Hart’s part in the Aladdin musical. Wouldn’t be funny if he did? Then Bret can fall to his knees outside the theatre and scream “VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCE” at the top of his lungs. I wonder if that isn’t a cutscene in the new Smackdown game. But at least Bret answered the question of “What happened to the Hammer Pants.” Edge and Christian argue outside the ring over who needed the new music more. I guess Edge did…I mean…that’s some OLD ass music he had.

(ads)

Benoit is running around the ring putting random people in restholds trying to get attention, but it’s not working for him. Sorry, Chris. Shelton is trying to talk Lillian Garcia into singing him a song about what a great I.C. champion he’s been. Something tells me that’s not going to go very well either. Benoit wins when Chris Tian taps out. Edge gets so pissed off that he lost, that he comes over and taps Christian on the shoulder. Tian goes down in pain.

Maven is on the phone backstage trying to find out how much TNA is paying. Ric Flair walks buy and drops off some Blow Up Sheep, and tells Maven that if he likes that then he’ll REALLY like what he’ll see when he joins Evolution.

(ads)

Lance Storm v. My Darling Stacy
In a Lingerie Pillow Fight

Lance begins by hitting Stacy with a Singapore Cane covered in a pillowcase. I guess Tommy decided the show needed a bit more caning. I’ve got to say that while My Darling Stacy looks HOT in her underwear and stockings, Lance is looking mighty fine in his footie pajamas. Lance puts Stacy in a Mapleleaf and gets the win. Oh well, next time honey. The crowd goes nuts because this is the kind of hot, crazy go nuts wrestling action that REAL wrestling fans want to see.

In the Evolution locker room….

HHH: I’d love to play footie in THOSE pajamas, if you know what I mean.
DBD: You like SOCCER?!
HHH: Uh…no. What’s up, Dave?
DBD: I’ve been THINKING!
HHH: About what?
DBD: Do bees have SEX?!
HHH: I…uh…I guess they’d have to.
DBD: I’ve always WONDERED!
HHH: So you don’t want to know about Maven or anything like that?
DBD: Who is MAVEN?!
HHH: Just keep being who you are, Dave. You’re the coolest.
DBD: Thanks, HUNTER!
HHH: Just stop thinking, ok?
DBD:
RF: KNOCK THAT OFF!
DBD: Nobody likes ME!

(ads)

Who thinks Maven is going to turn? Uh…probably you?

Nova is in the ring. He’s trying to shill his Tang to Some Fat Dude, but Paul E. was just there to shill the DVD. Nova says that he’d rather interview somebody who was built like a boat anyway. You know what that means…STAND BACK! And support your Denver Broncos!!

SKoDBF: I hate you, Nova. You invented me sucking.
NV: That’s what your mother said to me last night! OH!
SKoDBF: Hey, man. I may be fat, but I’m athletic! I used to be Suga Rosey! I don’t need no Tang.
NV: That’s what I said to yo….
SKoDBF: Knock it off.
NV: Man, you’re stupid.
SKoDBF: HONK HONK!

Rosey drives forward at Nova, but Nova walks slowly out of the ring and douses Rosey with Tang causing his gears to become waterlogged and fail to operate.

(ads)

Maven is prodding the sheep while he’s lacing up his boots.

CJ: Hey! Nice sheep! Where’d you get ‘em?
MV: Evolution.
CJ: What, huh?! But they’re our enemy.
MV: Thing is, I like getting pushed. It’s super neat!
CJ: But without you, there wouldn’t be anybody on Heat! Literally!
MV: Hmmm….
CB: Did you know it took me 18 years to win the World Title?!
MV: So?
CB: I just wanted to hear it out load. How depressing.
MV: For YOU maybe.
CB: What’s that supposed to mean?

(ads)

Live Via Satellite from a Kwik E Mart….

MH: Hey, dudes. What’s up? Man, we have a hot deal going on right now on these Slim Jims. They’re like, Seventy Five Cents a pound, man…so come on down.
VM: Come on, be more CONTROVERSIAL! STIR STUFF UP!
MH: I am sorry, Mr. McMahon. I will try harder. America: You suck. We offer you great deals on slushies! We have low low prices on soda! We give your wives their lottery tickets and your husbands their porn, and yet we can’t get one FRICKIN’ MATCH on TV? We’re stuck in these lame ass taped segments talking about running a gas station? What the hell America?
KD: Chickens!
Uncle Ackbar: It’s a trap!

Maven (w/ Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit) v. Triple H (w/ “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Ric Flair)
For the WWE World Title

Dave and Ric are sent immediately backstage for forgetting to wear pants. There is an epic staredown between HHH and Maven where they try to remember whether or not Maven is supposed to turn. They eventual decide that what this match needs is…RUN INS!!!

Benoit and Jericho run in. They attack HHH for a while, and roll Maven over for the pin. But HHH kicks out.

Edge runs in. He misses Maven completely with a spear, taking HHH out. Maven pins. But HHH kicks out.

Randy Orton runs in. He convinces HHH that falling over is neato. Maven gets in a pin. But HHH kicks out.

A pair of ducks waddle in. They Quack voraciously at Hunter. Maven tries another pin. But HHH kicks out.

Scott Hall stumbles into the building,. He trips and breaks HHH’s leg. Maven on the pin. But HHH kicks out.

George Bush comes in. He orders a tactical nuclear strike on HHH. Maven pins him. But HHH kicks out.

Solid Snake comes in. He sneaks in and slits HHH’s throat. Maven pins in the blood. But HHH kicks out.

Duke leads the Joes in. They fire randomly at HHH. Maven rolls through and gets a pin. But HHH kicks out.

Papa Shongo levitates in. He holds a HHH voodoo doll down. Maven makes the pin. But, HHH kicks out.

A pack of zombies shamble in. They eat HHH’s brain. Maven pins through all the gore. But HHH kicks out.

Jesus floats down. He brings about Armegeddon upon the Earth. Maven goes for the pin. But HHH kicks out.

Abe Orton wanders out. He says hello, distracting Maven. PEDIGREE TO MAVEN!!!!
Maven loses the match.

Restart it! Quick! Oh never mind. The show’s over. Sorry Maven. Randy, Jericho and Benoit look confused. What matches will they book?

Next Week: Chris Benoit shocks EVERYONE when he books himself to fight himself in a one hour iron man match. Maven will learn the value of the power of Evolution when he doesn’t appear on the show. Somebody get me a thermometer, because the heat really turns up when we’re subjected to the wonders of a Ric Flair/Abe Orton tuxedo match.

Lance and Rob Are Friends:
Chapter : Then there were five.

TD: Wow. There sure are a lot of cars out here tonight.
LS: Triple H is defending the World Title.
TD: On a RAW?! Run in city….
LS: You’re tellin’ me.
TD: Where the hell is Rob?
RVD: I’m hiding in Papa Shango’s car.
TD: That’s HARDCORE!
LS: Yeah, but why are you doing it?
RVD: I’ve got the munchies and he’s got the chicken.
LS: Rob those are…live chickens.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Elsewhere….

???: I’m pleased you’ve agreed to meet me here.
TEJ: I don’t get it. Why the secrecy? Is it because you don’t want to be seen with me? It IS, isn’t it?! WAAAAAAAAH!
???: Ugh. No. It’s because I don’t want to be seen. Especially by…certain individuals.
TEJ: But you’ll give me everything I want. Right? Or are you a meanie? WAAAAAH!
???: SHH! Everything you want. Jobs for your group, full pay, benefits. All that jazz.
TEJ: Even for Jazz.
???: Heh heh. Clever.
TEJ: Really?
???: All you need to do is put Storm on the right path. Then…Next week. BAM!
TEJ: We’re on Emeril?
??? No, no. We set our trap. My spy has told me that Storm won’t even see it coming.
SQ: What’s up? I need $500 to go get freaky.
TEJ: Shaniqua now is NOT a good time.
SQ: And what the heck are YOU doin’ here?
???: Shaniqua? Haha. Funny running into you here.
SQ: You still HAVE a job, buster.
TEJ: He’s helping us out. Until you ruined it. Waaaaaaaahh….

The mysterious figure shoots Shaniqua.

??? Problem dealt with. Now keep your troops away. We can’t have them messing this up.
TEJ: Oh! ALACK!! Poorest Shaniqua.

Tough Enough Jessie bawls as the mysterious figure escapes. The Mountie arrives.

MT: What is this, then?
TEJ: She’s been…sniff…SHOT!
MT: But who would do such a thing.
SQ: H…It…He was….

Shaniqua has perished.

MT: Hmmm…I’m too late. I’ll bet it was that bastard Storm.
TEJ: No!
MT: Stay out of this one little lady.
TEJ: He called me little. WAAAAAAAH!
MT: What’s this? A dark corridor…what’s in here.

Mantaur gores Mountie. Outside….

SR: What a horrible night. I can’t believe there’s no room on Heat for Stevie. Boo!
???: Hello, Steven.
SR: YOU!
???: That’s right. Me. We have something to talk about.
SR: No. NO! Oh, my God. NO!
???: Your God can’t help you now.

Stevie Richard’s scream pierces the peaceful evening sky.

LS: What the hell was that?
RVD: Werewolves?
TD: Probably nothing. Let’s go find the Jade gopher.
RVD: But…but…dude, there might be WOLVES out there.
LS: Tommy’s right. Let’s go.

5.…

(edited by Excalibur05 on 16.11.04 2253)
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#2 Posted on 16.11.04 1046.02
Reposted on: 16.11.11 1046.04
I loved Batista talking to Triple H.

DBD: Do bees have SEX?!
HHH: I…uh…I guess they’d have to.
DBD: I’ve always WONDERED!
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#3 Posted on 16.11.04 1615.37
Reposted on: 16.11.11 1618.32
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    CT: Dude, I just figured it out. This book says your name is "Adam Copeland". Your last name isn't even Tian. We're not brothers.
    EG: Oh.
    Voice of the Undertaker: Oh, no you don't! We're not wasting all those years of build. You're brothers whether you like it or not.
    EG: But Taaaaaaaker...
    VotU: Now offer up a human sacrifice to appease me before I go all Hnnrnnr on your ass.
    TG: I'll do it!

    Todd throws himself into a pit of acid.

    VotU: It is good.
    EG: Why do we have a vat of acid just sitt...
    VotU: EDGE!!
    EG: Geez. Ok, Ok.



The Undertaker love has been making every Satire recently.


    George Bush comes in. He orders a tactical nuclear strike on HHH. Maven pins him. But HHH kicks out.

Stop the presses: The President does something I actually agree with!

(edited by Texas Kelly on 19.11.04 1628)
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