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The 7 - Guest Columns - Hey, Ladies! It's the 10/4 RAW Satire!
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 5.10.04 1041.46
Reposted on: 5.10.11 1041.49
Last Week: Randy Orton tried to convince Ric Flair to stop being such a jobber, but Ric wasn’t buying it. Kane revealed that he wanted nothing more than vengeance on Abe Orton, except maybe a tasty crispy chicken sandwich. Now that Orton’s out and Frostine is in, who will step it up and challenge Triple H…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

R.I.P. Mrs. Cleavage…You’ll always be fondly remembered for…uh….

Here’s Ric and Hunter. What, no Dave? He must be SAD. They’ve got mics and they’re not afraid to use them.

RF: WOO! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to RAW is the Naitcha boy!
HHH: Don’t you mean “RAW is HHH”?
RF: Shut up, fat boy. I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain all NIGHT LONG, WOOO!
HHH: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
RF: I said, “Woo! Triple H is the bestest wrestler since Mr. Wrestling ½
HHH: One Half?
RF: He was the midget Mr. Wrestling.
HHH: Huh.
RF: Seriously, though, folks. HHH is the best wrestler alive. The best dead wrestler by the way: Zombie Dean Malenko.
HHH: I’ve got no problems with that. I’d say that he was short and charismaless, but I’m pretty sure he’d just eat my legs.
RF: You bet your ass he would. WOO!
HHH: What’d you do this weekend, Triple Naitch?
RF: I ritually raped a bunch of virgins and made them bleed all over.
HHH: Uh…wha?
RF: Just…forget I said anything.
HHH: I can’t just….
RF: I’m A CRAZY OLD MAN! STYLEANDPROFILEWOOO!
HHH: Oh, Ric. You so crazy. Hey! Fans. You guys all suck. You’re all just a bunch of computer nerds who eat nothing but Dill Pickle Cheetos and whack off to Captain Janeway upskirt fakes.
RF: One time I caught Reid whacking off to the Chyna Playboy.
HHH: Aiee! What did you do?
RF: I slapped him in the figure four and chopped him until he bled.
HHH: If you smell-LA-LA-LA-LA What the GAME is cookin’!

Here’s Chris Jericho to add another bad haircut to this segment. Wee!

CJ: I honestly have no idea what I’m doing out here.
RF: Jericho!! JERICHO!! I’m sure I’ve got some problem with you! WOOO!
HHH: The best promos in the business!
CJ: I’m really starting to regret coming up with the Taboo Tuesday idea. I just heard my opponent might be Chuck Palumbo. CHUCK PALUMBO! What the hell?!
HHH: By my estimation of your talents you’re LUCKY to get Palumbo. Though I’d feel really bad for you if you had to wrestle Coach. There’s no two ways about it. He sucks.
CJ: Let’s poll the crowd. Who thinks Chris Jericho sucks?
Crowd: Boo!
CJ: Who thinks…Chuck Palumbo sucks?
Crowd: Who?
CJ: Who thinks Triple H sucks?!
Crowd: YAY!
HHH: Damn you, Jericho!
CJ: Wait…crap! I’m doing it again. We don’t CARE what you think!
SH: One more win for the good guys.

Out of frustration, Jericho attacks Flair, Hunter and Hall. And HERE’S Dave out to make the save. Hey! Dave’s got a new shirt. And it’s two Ds that make a B. Aw…that’s cute. “Dave Davidson” makes a Batista. Benoit and Edge run out to chase off Hunter, Flair, Hall and Batista. Jericho and Edge share a glance that caries all the emotion of, “Uh…are we feuding still? I HATE YOU…no…wait I’m saving you/you’re saving me…We’re best friends. Er…how do we play this? Odd indifference?” And they say wrestler’s can’t act.

(ads)

Coach is backstage with Chris Tian and Tyson Tomko….

JC: So are you still with Trish? Or not?
CT: Uh…I guess not. I dunno. Why? Are you gonna try your luck?
JC: I’ve got the Coach. In my experience there’s no such thing as luck.

Elsewhere…

RF: THAT’S MY LINE DAMMIT!!
HHH: What?
RF: Nothing. Just a disturbance in the Coach.
HHH: What?

Back with Coach, Tian, and Tomko….

CT: Well, let’s hear your pick up line.
JC: Hey, baby, it’s me. The Coach.
CT: That line sucks.
JC: What’d you use to pick her up?
CT: Hey, baby, let’s have sex.
JC: I see what you did there. It’s subtle.
CT: Hey, Tyson, show him your moves.
TT: ….
JC: Holy crap, dude. Even I want to have sex with you.
CT: Oops, I’m gonna be late for my match….

Shawn Micahels v. Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko)

Shawn had already been pranced out for about twenty minutes when this match finally got under way. What is it with wrestlers and lateness? They can’t come to work on time, they can’t get to their matches on time. Somebody buy these guys a watch. Or better yet, a Swatch. Then they can match the color to their current outfit. They brawl back and forth for a few minutes to waste time until the commercial. Tyson tries to get into the ring to say hello to WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda, but Shawn superkicks him in the face. That’s not very polite.

(ads)

Shawn jumps out of the ring and rams himself into the barrier to start the second half. Maybe he feels bad for attacking Tyson? Christian hits the Unprettier, which, besides being a few years out of date, is still a crappy name for a move. Shawn finally ends the pain by hitting the Superkick. Then he tells us to vote for him, because he has a plan to pull all the cruiserweights off of Velocity in six months. He won’t say what the plan is though. My guess? Feeding them to Big Show. I dunno, that’s pretty much got my vote. Besides, we already saw what Benoit was like as World Champion, and it was a complete and total mess. Now business is down, cruisers are stuck on Velocity and we’re constantly under the threat of an attack by Hnnrnnr. It’s time for change. Vote Shawn.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Lita ….

LT: Todd Grisham, get out of that corner right now. And quit rocking back and forth.
TG: YOU AREN’T REAL! There is no Lita!!
LT: Silly Todd. Now that I’m not pregnant any more, it’s all right to like me again. Look, Toddy, Cleavage!
TG: Oo! I mean…AH!
LT: It’s just too bad that I’ll never get to see or hold my baby.
TG: X-Pac? Or do you mean the chicken?
LT: Yeah, chicken. I’m hungry.
TG: So. Abe Orton, huh?

Lita screams and Todd Grisham’s skeleton shatters.

LT: Ooh…my bad. I’m gonna have to get Kane to clean this stuff up.

I guess you could say Lita needs a little more Kane! Eh?! Eh? No? Screw you guys.

Back in the Bischoffice ….

JC: So you see, I’d rather go hit on Trish than do an interview.
EB: You know what? Whatever. I’m trying to hit on this disembodied hand.
JC: Is that Mark Henry and Mae’s? Wow. She sure has cleaned up nice.
EB: You’re wrecking my flow, dude.
JC: Oh. Sorry.

(ads)

J.R. is in the ring to talk to Abe Orton. Abe has a baby carriage.

JR: What’s in the carriage?
AO: Pictures of Sean Stasiak.
JR: Awesome! I’ll take eight.
AO: Reintroducing Meat to RAW was NOT MY FAULT!

Yuh-huh! A portal from hell opens up and Kane strolls out. He gets in the ring to try to attack Abe, but hidden in his Stovepipe Hat was an actual Stovepipe, which he uses to hit Kane in the face. Kane bleeds all over the place. What a wuss that guy is. I get hit in the face with a pipe at LEAST once a day, and I don’t think I bled once. Ok. Maybe that once. Abe takes off.

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair)

The crowd is like “OMG BENOIT~!” because MSG is down with RESTHOLDS~! and SUPLEXES~! I’m pretty sure that’s how the Knicks season goes. P. Diddy would’ve brought more focus to the suplexes though. Dave signals for the OSPREY BOMB~! by cawing and flapping his arms around, but by the time he’s done, Benoit is back up and knocks him over. You can kind of see Ric slowly nodding off outside the ring, and when he wakes up, he freaks out and runs into the ring. That’s enough to get Randy Orton to appear out of the crowd and attack Flair and Dave. Bischoff is out with The Police to remove Orton. Batista and Flair try to get a few last shots in, but Sting keeps the peace.

(ads)

Bischoff is still in the ring.

EB: Hi. I’ve been thinking, and you’ve got three choices for weapons matches that Kane and Abe Orton will have at WWE Presents RAW Presents Taboo Tuesday:

A) A Broken Bottle Match
B) Breadsticks, Breadsticks, Breadsticks
C) Coal Miners Glove

Choose, but choose wisely. Now, I’d like very much for my nephew Eugene to come out.

Eugene comes out.

ED: I’d like very much for you to note that my automatic voting program has Chris Benoit in the lead for the World Title match.
EB: Yeah. That’s great. Hey, look, I want you to lose, and badly. So here to get you all hot and bothered is Carmella Bot 4000.

Carmella marches out.

CD: I was in Playboy. Does that get you hot?
ED: No. You are fake looking. I would definitely not hit it.
EB: But I saw you downloaded all of her pictures.
ED: I did that so that I could photoshop really hot babe’s heads on her body. You should see this one I did of Amy Acker….
EB: Who?
CD: I am now instructed to make out with you.
ED: For real? OMG! FINALLY!!!

Carmella opens her mouth, and a bunch of drill bits and tiny flamethrowers pop out.

CD: I am malfunctioning. You are ugly.
ED: Sigh. Story of my life.
EB: Nobody likes you, Eugene. Not even all your favorite forum posters.

Lance Storm comes out.

LS: That’s not true. My only fans were internet fans. And for that, I say that I like you, Eugene.

Lance superkicks Carmella Bot and turns around and makes out with Eugene. They both pull off, horrified. After spitting on Carmella Bot, Lance runs back up the ramp. Then his pants fall off. UNDEROOS!

ED: Oh my God! I’ve gotta go whack off to photoshopped Captain Janeway upskirts!

(ads)

Sylvan Grenier sings the Bonanza theme in French.

Hurricane and Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float v. La Resistance
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Hurricane gets the crap kicked out of him while Rosey patiently waits for the tag. It’s no wonder Hurricane wants to turn heel. His float/partner won’t even help him. If they were heels, he could at least cheat to win. As it is, however, Rob gets the pin by irritating Hurricane with his SCRUFFY BEARD~! I guess La Resistance’s gimmick is that they can’t lose because the division sucks. Rosey finally finds his way into the ring after the match, and charges full steam ahead at La Res, but floats are awfully slow moving, and so they get out of the way. But Hurricane can’t, so he gets run over! Rosey beeps as he backs up in shock at what he’s done.

My Darling Stacy accepts the “Awesome Person of the Year” award on my behalf. Thanks honey. I can’t stand how fake award shows are.

(ads)

Nova wants YOU to listen to a recording the WWE put up at that phone number. I also understand that he hates fatties. His first feud: Jim Ross.

Coach is backstage with Edge….

JC: What’s up with you and Chris Jericho?
EG: I’m not really sure. It’s crazy go nuts. One week we can’t stand each other, one week we’re bestest friends. See?
JC: No.
EG: Eh. I’ve never fought HHH for the title, so everybody should vote for me.
JC: No way!
EG: Why not?
JC: Because a vote FOR you is like a vote AGAINST Shawn Michaels. Think about it, you’re both long haired blonde guys who stand for the same values. You’ll split the votes with Shawn while Benoit will get all those workrate freaks. It’d be best if you just dropped out now and conceeded your votes to Shawn.
EG: Uh…no. I stand by my position!
JC: I hate you.
EG: Backstage politics is a crazy go nuts thing, Coach.

Now we’re back in the Bischoffice….

EB: Tonight! Everybody will be standing outside the ring.
CP: Is it true that I might get a title shot?
EB: No, not really, Chuck.
VV: What about me?
EB: Probably not.
DBD: Dave is getting the title SHOT!
EB: Way to spoil it.
DBD: I’m SORRY!

Stacy is backstage stretching. That’s just plain neat.

(ads)

Trish Stratus is on commentary. She asks if anyone has seen her storyline. Man, I think that might be under my couch. Hold on, let me go check.

Molly Holly v. My Darling Stacy

Yeah, here it is. Ew…it’s got dog hair and old M&Ms all over it. Stacy is wearing a skirt for this match which isn’t particularly practical, but I respect the fashion statement at least. Stacy keeps control of the match by swinging her legs randomly at Molly, and using the element of surprise at her actually wrestling to her advantage. Molly counters by being too large for Stacy to pick up. Give it a few drinks Stacy, you’ll try anyway. Trish runs down to the ring and there’s her ass too. Today is show your ass night on RAW. I guess I didn’t get the memo…

Dear WWE Superstars:

Tonight on RAW at Madison Square Garden, we’re going for the world record of number of ass cracks accidently shown. The key word is “accidently” make it look incidental, folks. Oh, and if this fails, we’ll just have to try for most cheese grater shots to the face (male) on Hawaiian Cheese Friday.

-The Management

Stacy gets the win anyway because she’s WAY smarter than Trish and Molly. Like, totally.

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Triple H
(With Special Guest Lumberjacks: Val Venis, Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float, The Hurricane, Rob Conway, Sylvan Grenier, Some Ducks, Stevie Richards, Chris Tian, Tyson Tomko, Rhyno, Tajiri, Rodney Mack, Chuck Palumbo, “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, Smitty the Janitor, Maven, “Man’s Man” William Regal, and The Coach)

My vote is for Smitty. Hunter and Chris stand around for a while, each aware that they only have, like, eight minutes to fill. Both guys go outside to see who they’re feuding with. HHH is feuding with Val Venis and Chris Jericho is feuding with…Rhyno? Ok, that stuff doesn’t even make any sense. I had a dream once where a bunch of rhinos got loose on State Street in Madison Wisconsin during Halloween, which, if you know what I’m talking about, is hilarious. This is significantly less hilarious. So if Rhyno is turning heel, does that mean that the ENTIRE tag division is going to bee heels? Almost as if he could sense that I was no longer paying attention to him, Triple H called in Dave and Ric Flair and had them beat the crap out of Val Venis. But it was all a SHOCKING SWERVE~! because Val was actually Randy Orton in disguise! Flair falls over in shock! Batista falls over in shock! HHH falls over because his quad gave out! They should have seen it coming. Val Venis appearing on RAW during a main event?! That’s just silly. Coach comes in the ring but trips over his shoelace. ORTON WINS!

Next Week: We’re in ENGLAND, baby, and you know what that means: It’s REGAL TIME! Hilarity ensues when Kane isn’t allowed into the country because he freaks out Tony Blair. And it’s PARTY TIME when RAW Satire Celebrates Two Years of Satire….

Lance and Rob are Friends

Chapter Twenty: If I get my way, we’ll be dining on fish sticks.

Hiding out in a car trying to stake out a Sort of Pissed off Fish….

TD: So…what the hell was up with you kissing Eugene?
LS: I got caught up in the passion of the moment.
TD: The passion of the moment. Right.
LS: You’ve seen my underoos. I’m all man, baby.
TD: Well, I have to admit, Power Rangers Underoos are HARDCORE!

A rustling in some nearby bushes startles them.

LS: Who’s there?
RVD: Psst…it’s me, dudes.
LS: Rob, what the hell are you doing?
RVD: Hiding. ALF is trying to eat my soul.
LS: He is NOT!
TD: Besides, you have Dreamer to protect you.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!

ALF flies into picture and begins gnawing on Rob’s face.

TD: So…what are you thinking for dinner tonight.
LS: If I get my way, we’ll be dining on fish sticks.
TD: Oh. Oh! I see what you did there.

The Sort of Pissed off Fish and it’s Jade Gopher speed off on their motorcycle.

LS: There they go! Tommy, Rob, Follow me!!

Lance takes off running down the street.

TD: We’re never going to catch them that way. We need a hobby horse or something.
Right, Rob?
RVD: AHHH! HELP! MY FACE!!!
TD: That’s not your catchphrase.

Elsewhere….

TEJ: What do we want?!
Mob: Heat and Food…we’re starving and cold!
TEJ: That’s not how it goes. Waaaah!
MT: Jessie, how in the hell are we going to get to England next week?
TEJ: We’re going to float over on debris?
MT: What a terrible plan.
TEJ: WAAAAAAH!!!
PO: Yar, I know someone who can gets us a boat.
MT: Excellent. Our plan is coming to fruition.
HTM: Anybody heard any good rumors? People quitting? Hot lesbians?
MT: I heard Kane is quitting because he wants to hang out with you more.
HTM: Really?
MT: Uh…yeah.
TEJ: It IS cold out here. My face is frozen with tears. Wah.
Dr. Tom: Quick, our fire barrel is running out of fuel. Somebody throw something in!

Mantaur gores Mountie through the fire barrel.
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Gugs
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#2 Posted on 5.10.04 1831.43
Reposted on: 5.10.11 1831.57
Great stuff as always, Matt. For the first time, though, I must disagree with your choice of title for LaRaF. I would have gone with "ALF is trying to eat my soul."
Kevin Malton
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#3 Posted on 5.10.04 1918.48
Reposted on: 5.10.11 1919.10
I thought I was reading a half hearted Mop Up. Which isn't a bad thing BTW.
Excalibur05
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#4 Posted on 5.10.04 2247.16
Reposted on: 5.10.11 2247.30
    Originally posted by Kevin Malton
    I thought I was reading a half hearted Mop Up. Which isn't a bad thing BTW.


I welcome new readers!

Enjoy the kiev.
Jaguar
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#5 Posted on 7.10.04 1621.24
Reposted on: 7.10.11 1622.08
Good stuff as always Matt. I'd probably read (and send you encouraging little notes!) more often if wrestling didn't bore me to tears these days. Always good to know that you're hear to make it fun again.

-Jag
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