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The 7 - Guest Columns - Don't Steal This Satire 9/27/04
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 28.9.04 1107.49
Reposted on: 28.9.11 1109.13
Last Week: Kane and Lita lost their baby, but gained some fresh cooked chicken. Vince McMahon made a big announcement that everybody had already heard. And Randy Orton made a statement to voters by missing most of his match, how much of his match will he mss...TONIGHT?!

R.I.P. Bossman. No more hard time.

(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff is hanging out in the ring. He lists off the five choices for Triple H's opponent at WWE Presents RAW Presents Taboo Tuesday:

- Randy Orton
- Maven
- WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan
- Abe Orton
- HHH

But the only way Randy will be on the poll is if he can beat "Dave" Batista "Davidson" tonight. If not, he'll be replaced on the list by Queen Frostine. HHH comes out to argue with the poll. He should be on there more than once. Then he says that he's pissed that the fans get to choose the matches, because the fans suck. And for once, I'll say that I whole heartedly agree with him. Let's face it, IWC. We suck at fantasy booking. We really do. Literally the only people who will want to see the matches we book will be us. But the WWE has a great thing going here, if Taboo Tuesday does the worst buyrate in Wrestling history, they can point at us and say, "SEE?! What do YOU, the Internet wrestling fans know about wrestling? Your show did a crappy buyrate." And if it does good, we'll be so pleased with ourselves, we'll hardly notice when they slide in some gang rape murder angles. Speaking of gang rape murder angles, Shelton Benjamin sprints out to challenge HHH¡K.

HHH: What the hell are you doing out here?
SB: A gang rape murder angle?
HHH: No, no, no. that's next month.
SB: Oh. Uh...challenge you to a fight?
HHH: Oh yeah? Do you really think you can beat me?
SB: By DQ. Like every other time I've fought you.
HHH: Damn you and your logic, Benjamin!

Hunter attacks.

Triple H v. Shelton Benjamin

They fight for a while. This show desperately needs some more Kane. I mean, yeah, it's nice to see that they're giving Shelton Benjamin some screen time, and HHH always deserves to be hanging around and having matches, but Kane just lost his child! He should have some time to send a shout out to Abe or something. But, at the very least I can say that Shelton Benjamin is decidedly NOT Chris Benoit, which is a very good thing. All right! I've rambled JUST long enough for there to be some....

(ads)

I SWEAR that if you replace J.R. and King with Al Michaels and John Madden, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Until the Diva's come out and Madden starts yelling about how much he wants to have sex with Brett Farve. HHH hits Shelton in the face with a belt. That's a DQ. Well, hell. I guess Shelton was right. Hunter nails him with a Pedigree in disgust. I blame English Pop Songstress Dido, because she's always had it out for Sarah McLaughlin and her fans. HHH v. Dido for the World Title is a match I would pay to see.

(ads)

Rhyno and Tajiri v. The Hurricane and Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float

The WWE had better be careful, this is starting to closely resemble a lower card feud. To HEAT Stat! Of course with the Rodney Mack/Stevie Richards feud brewing down there, Heat may be quickly becoming the best wrestling show on television. Nah, I'm just messing with you. It's still Afterburn. Everybody goes for their finishers near the end, but Rosey wins it with a sidewalk slam, in which, he catches Rhyno walking on the side walk, diverts from the marked parade route, and slams into Rhyno. Rhyno not only loses, but he's also swept up by a street sweeper. See you on Heat!

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Kane.

TG: What the hell did I do, God? WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME SO?!
KN: Oh, hey, Todd. What's up?
TG: Please, Kane. Just don't talk. We'll just sit here in silence for, like, five minutes, and then they'll cut to Benoit and Regal.
KN: Aren't you wondering where Lita is?
TG: Yeah, actua...I mean. NO! NO! Don't you even DARE try to get me involved in this!
KN: Nobody told her she was supposed to be on the show, so she never got on the plane.
TG: She¡KWhat? Why WOULDN'T she be on the show? She works for this company right? Cashes paychecks?! Then SHE SHOULD SHOW UP FOR WORK! I FRICKING HATE THIS SHOW AND THIS JOB AND I SHOW UP!!
KN: Settle down. She just lost baby X-Pac.
TG: That wasn't even REAL!! She was never pregnant.
KN: She...wasn't? Oh my god! I...I don't know what to say...did she marry me for my money? What a whore! My life is spinning out of control!!

Todd Grisham¡¦s chest explodes and X-Pac jumps out.

XP: AAAAaaaaaah! SUCK IT!!
KN: Hi, X-Pac. I want to kill Abe Orton.

Over on Smackdown: Tranquilizer darts? Did they have them backstage or something? Just in case Chavo turns back into a werewolf? Or if Akio starts foaming at the mouth again?

Benoit and Regal are standing around next to a Chris Benoit Merchandise display.

CB: How come nobody buys my merchandise.
WR: All your internet fans spend all their money on Cherry Coke, Cheetos, and new graphics cards.
CB: Oh. Damn. At least they'll vote for me to be in all the matches.
WR: You're lucky. They've since turned on me because I've been deemed "too British" to be popular.
CB: Damn. I'm glad I moved to Atlanta.

Eugene enters munching on some Cheetos in between sips of Cherry coke.

EG: No, no. You've got it all wrong. Being Canadian is awesome!
CB: Damn.
WR: See? Cherry Coke, Cheetos.
CB: No kidding. Hey, Eugene, what's your graphics card?
EG: Well, you see, Doom 3 just came out and....
CB: Forget it.
WR: Now go run off Eugene.
EG: I'm going to go watch Smackdown v. RAW videos on my Hi-Def monitor.
WR: That's covered in pizza grease.
EG: Right.

Eugene waddles off¡K.

WR: Well...see? He's got problems.
CB: The internet crowd is so fickle.
WR: So's your mom.
CB: What?
WR: Oh, nothing.

(ads)

Abe Orton Says: I can't believe I'm still here. But it's not my fault!

Val Venis v. Abe Orton

Abe is all OMG CHINLOCKS~! to start. Like cousin like...uh...other cousin. Wait...what the hell match am I watching here? It's like I suddenly tuned out and TNA was on. Except in TNA, Val would be main eventing...er...doing jobs to Jeff Jarrett and everybody would be telling me that Abe was the future of wrestling because he's kind of big and he'd jump at people as his finisher. But as it is, Abe hits the Big Boot and the pumphandle for the finish and¡Kare we ENTIRELY sure this guy isn't Test?

Wrestlemania sold out in 60 seconds? What were they promising free kicks to Shaq's balls? So the WWE can do millions of dollars in business even when they suck, but I'm consistently awesome and I can't even get five bucks? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD?!

(ads)

Ric Flair ambles his way on out to the ring. He says he's here to talk about Randy Orton. Oh, boy!

RF: WOO! You know something, Randy Orton comes out here and calls himself the "Legend Killer". You know what? I don't think so. He hasn't killed any one of these guys. Harley Race? He's fine, I just chopped him the other day. Mick Foley, that crazy stupid bitchycake? He's not dead either. Hulk Hogan? You were never even on the same show with him, but you STILL made him fall over, which, while impressive, doesn't count as killing. Bastion Booger?! Uh¡KI dunno, did you kill him? Now, if you wanted to come out and call yourself the "Legend Hurter" or even the woo "Legend Discomforter," I'd feel more comfortable with being on this show with you. Instead, Orton, you're just a liar. And, oh, I took your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY! WOOO!

Randy Orton comes out....

RO: Triple Naitch! I used to dress up in my mother¡¦s robe!
RF: And pretend you were me?!
RO: Uh...no. I just needed to get that off my chest. Anyway, I think you should break up with HHH, because...look at you dude, you're only friends are Triple H and Dave Davidson. I mean, talk about a mountain of suck. And you're not even the top goat of that mountain, Ric. You're like the ugly old goat who has to go stand on his own little Rock until HHH knocks you off of it, then you have to find a different little rock where you have to sta....
RF: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
RO: Uh...goats. The important thing is that you¡¦re being wasted in this role.
RF: Oh, and things would be MUCH better if I turned face so I can go back to jobbing to Rico and having my only friend be frigging YOU and Benoit. And trust me, I've had just about my life's fill of hanging out with you and Benoit. At least HHH knows how to party.
RO: Oh come on, I am too cool to hang out with. I...sew...and...lick stamps....
RF: Besides, what's HHH's legacy? Nine world titles and the son-in-law of Vince McMahon. What's yours? One world title and you're the son of Roddy Piper's lacky. Let's face it dude. You suck.
RO: Well, just so long as you promise to think about it.
RF: NO!
RO: Fair enough.

(ads)

Chris Tian and Tyson Tomko v. Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels

Shawn prances out and it's on like Donkey Kong. Shawn is the face in peril as Tomko starts throwing barrels, but Jericho does a wonderful jobo of timing his jumps and getting all the way to the top. However, then Christian tags in and the whole thing kind of loses its effect. Tomko and Tian are tossed from the ring, by Jericho's hair. The thing has a life of its own. Shawn and Chris dance around the rings for a few seconds, until Shawn tells Jericho to knock it off.

(ads)

Jericho and Tomko duke it out in the ring while Christian and Michaels play pogs in the corner. I think Christian's cheating, I'm pretty sure that's not a regulation slammer. Everybody tries for their finisher...and you know what? That's how every WWE tag match ends. Even matches where guys don't have finishers (unless you count running over people). Tian grabs Michaels from behind, and Shawn is so giddy he misses himself getting pinned. Christian wins! Christian beat Shawn Michaels!! Someday it'll matter. Promise.

Dave and Hunter are backstage.

DBD: What's going ON?! Why is Ric DEPRESSED?!
HHH: What am I, Freud? The hell if I know.
DBD: I don't think he likes us ANYMORE!
HHH: That's silly talk. Of course he likes us, how cold he not? We're awesome.
DBD: But what if Orton is RIGHT?! What if Ric likes SEWING?!
HHH: Ah, hell. I dunno. PEDIGREE TO ORTON?!
DBD: Good ONE!
HHH: Now go beat up Randy, and I can't stress this enough: DO NOT fall over.
DBD: You've got it, BOSSYMAN!

(ads)

Regal and Eugene are in the ring. There are also three OTHER people in the ring. Neato.

WR: Tonight, we're going to go over the three options for the match at Taboo Tuesday between Eric Bischoff and Eugene.
ED: Well, you see, first, there is the butler match, where the winner makes the loser his butler for a week. Here's a visual of what a butler looks like.
WR: Er...I'm William Regal.
ED: Oh. The Britishness threw me off. Uh...this guy. What's your name.
PO: I am Pierre Oulette, Mighty Pirate. And I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
ED: I'll take three.

Pierre hits Eugene with a rubber chicken.

WR: Right. Uh...the second match on the list is wearing a dress. The loser has to wear a dress. This is a popular wrestling angle, and who knows, the person may end up liking it. Saturn did. What's your name fine looking young woman.
MT: I am Mountina, and I always get my man.
WR: I wouldn't mind mounting Tina, isn't that right live audience?

The crowd cheers and laughs. Eugene crawls back to his feet.

ED: The other match type would be a haircut match. Here to get a hair cut is SOME indy worker.
IW: Hi!
ED: Why did we hire an Indy worker for this part?
IW: Indy workers need haircuts too!

Then Eric Bischoff comes out.

EB: This segment is boring and pointless.
ED: I am deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling in this segment.

Bischoff kicks the Indy Worker in the face.

ED: Thank you.
EB: Now let's get out of here before we kill all our heat.
WR: WAY too late.

There was a press conference earlier. Taboo Tuesday was announced. How the hell many times to they need to announce this thing, anyway?

(ads)

Trish, Molly, and Gail call Lance out to the ring. Everybody has cleavage making this segment at least 15% more bearable.

LS: If I could be serious for a minute, I'd like to start by thanking all my fans....
TS: Who the hell did you sleep with to win all that money?
LS: What?
TS: I mean, I had to sleep with Vince McMahon AND bark like a dog and I still only make like, $50 a year.
LS: I certainly didn't sleep with everyone in America if that's what you're asking.
MH: Or DID you?
LS: NO. I didn't.

Carmella appears on screen.

CD: Lance Storm, you will be eliminated. I may have lost the battle, but I will win the war. You cannot defeat a Playboy Playmate. Resistance is futile.
TS: Boy that was weird. And so is this. BRA AND PANTIES MATCH RIGHT NOW!

Lance Storm v. Trish Stratus, Molly Holly and Gail Kim
In a Bra and Panties Match

Trish, Molly and Gail gang-rush Lance and pull off his tights. POWER RANGERS UNDEROOS~! However, Lance isn¡¦t wearing a shirt, or a bra, so he just systematically removes the clothes of the other women and wins the match. Trish, Molly and Gail run off.

LS: You can't beat a man without a bra. I learned that from Bret Hart.

(ads)

Evolution is backstage.

DBD: What is going on with you RIC?!
RF: I'm getting ready to leave.
DBD: But what about my MATCH?!
RF: If you can't beat Randy Orton, you deserve to lose.
DBD:
RF: GODDAMMIT! IT'S NO WONDER I'M LEAVING YOU!!
DBD: WHAT?! Oh NO! Please don't leave us, RIC!! HUNTER!!
HHH: What?
DBD: Ric is leaving US!
RF: That's right. You guys all suck. There's nobody here in this company I want to hang out with any more. You're all either untalented hacks, roided up monsters or Sarah McLaughlin listening freaks.
HHH: Hey!
RF: So I'm going to move back to the insane asylum to hang out with Scott Hall.
HHH: Well, take care, Ric.
DBD: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
RF: The people there are a lot cooler. Later.

(ads)

Randy Orton v. "Dave" Batista "Davidson"
For a Shot at the WWE World Title Poll, No DQ

Dave and Randy trade blows for a while, but Dave gets control because he's bigger. When Orton finally got control, HHH ran out and punched him. No DQ, biatch! Randy is still able to fight back, though, because this is HIS push. Ric Flair runs out and he's holding a chair. Oh, just freakin' hit EVERYBODY. They all deserve it. Especially Lillian. Just keep hitting people until the chair falls apart. But, Flair hits Randy, and Randy registers "Shock and possibly dismay" by falling over. Randy was hit by his OWN MOVE! Dave hits the OSPREY BOMB TO ORTON~! and gets the win. So I guess Randy ISN'T going to be in the main event? Wow, what a shocking swerve. New opponent: Queen Frostine.

Next Week: Christian takes on Shawn Michaels at MSG, and the fur really flies. More polls, Polls like a mofo as the WWE's lazy booking asks you to do their work for them. In a loving tribute to the late Big Bossman, HHH books himself in a really awful Hell in a Cell match.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Nineteen: But it also makes you a big WHORE!

LS: I can't believe it. How did Carmella survive blowing up?
TD: I do it all the time. It's HARDCORE!!
RVD: Plus, I think that Hugh Hefner has like a factory where he can make those.
LS: Really? We should totally go there.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
TD: I went to a factory one time. And had everybody hit me with steel poles it was....
TS: Good job out there tonight, Lance. Your strategy of not wearing a bra was really sound.
LS: Thanks, Trish.
TS: But it also makes you a big WHORE!
MH: Yeah! Way to go, whore.
GK: Yeah! Molly hasn¡¦t even lost her hymen.
MH: What?
GK: Remember?
MH: Oh. Right!!
TD: ECW! ECW!
LS: No, not...never mind. I'm not a whore. I'm not even a chick.
TS: SO YOU CHEATED!
LS: Well, I didn't cheat so much as I...fibbed?
RVD: Look out everybody! ALF IS COMING TO EAT MY SOUL!
TS: I'm going to go tell on you!
LS: OH NO!

Elsewhere....

MT: Was William Regal hitting on me?
PO: Arr matey, let's make him walk the plank.
MT: We don't have a plank.
PO: Yar.
TEJ: Hell no, we won't go!
MT: What's this then?
TEJ: We're fired WWE workers who won't take it anymore!
DrT: That's right. Dr. Tom, Tough Enough Jessie and Rikishi aren't going to take it anymore.
RK: Put a little ass on THIS WWE.
MT: Wow, there's lots of fired workers. We could totally get a mob together.
TEJ: We're taking over!
PO: What are you doing? Inciting a mob?
MT: They'll take out Storm and his cronies in the process, they'll be easy pickin's.
PO: Brilliant.
MT: What do we want?!
Mob: Our jobs back.
MT: When do we want them?!
Mob: NOW!!

Mantaur is so excited that he can't help but gore Mountie.

TEJ: Oh no! Our fearless leader. WAAAAAAAAAH!

To Be Continued....

(edited by Excalibur05 on 28.9.04 1122)
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#2 Posted on 28.9.04 2301.51
Reposted on: 28.9.11 2303.56
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    But the only way Randy will be on the poll is if he can beat "Dave" Batista "Davidson" tonight. If not, he'll be replaced on the list by Queen Frostine.

Someone's been playing way too much Candy Land lately, I see.

I miss the Voice of the Undertaker. There were some times during this one (and all of them, come to think of it) where the business was being exposed way too much... :)
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