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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - GOOD GOD! THE MIGHTY WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 9/24/2004~!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#1 Posted on 23.9.04 2100.17
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2101.04
I'm trying to not become the 380 pound wrestling reviewer so I've cut my booze-consumption to near nothing. I'm pondering switching to bourbon from the freezer or just drinking when my kids are out of town like I used to. Yeah, that's probably the way I'll go. Drinking will be special and desperate and lonely, the way God intended. I missed last weeks SmulkDoon because I went out to eat with the family and it took a really long time for IHOP to deliver the mediocre crap they supply. I am putting IHOP next to Friendly's on my amazing hatred in my heart list. But I also went to the Lucha show at the Greensboro Coliseum so I am totally rejuvenated about the Professional Wrestling. C'mon, McMahon- it's time to shave my buzz like a broken Trojan.

(And RIP Big Bossman. How many wrestler are going to die before age 50? Jesus.)

WHAT WORKED-

- kidman tries to act and he is projecting the emotion: "forlorn". Kidman has the acting range of Fred Dryer. Okay maybe Rosie Grier. Okay, Bubba Smith. London is Smackdown Messiah and he is the best babyface who isn't Eddy motherfucking Guerrerro. Let the assbeatings begin. The bell rings and kidman prejects the emotion: "disappointed". this works because they actually might not touch each until the blow-off and that's more old school than a Killer Karl Kox glass eye story. Booker T comes out and maybe London can carry him to a watchable match. London makes an elbow look fucking GROTESQUELY hurty. London with the fucking HARDWAY. London fucking RULES. Booker cuts him off and London is like fucking Fit Finlay wrestling for the both of them. WWE shows the close-up of the blood and I love this match- I won't even talk about how fruity the DropSault looks because I like London in this match so much. Booker T uses the ropes to win. London is the next Benoit. Get that kid on the gas already. Postmatch, London is GODLIKE as the Nouvelle Ricky Steamboat calling out Booker T.

- Teddy Long uses the term "dip on me" and I was magically transported back to 1984 and it's the Christmas dance and they are playing "Electric Kingdom". A clumsy fumbling of foundation garments in the back of the 74 Maverick. The sweaty desperation and promises of love that we spoke of as children about to be unleashed on the world. And I am so old....

- Rey Rey and Spike are talking to Josh and Josh is ELECTRIFIED. He has never thought of the smaller men. It's a different and.... AWESOME! Kenzo starts channelling Patrick Buchanon and I weep at the possibility of Kenzo doing a guest column in American Conservative talking about the need for neo-isolationism. Or something. And then we go commercial. Rey Rey has "Mexican" tattooed across his stomach. I start thinking about maybe getting the entire Old Testament tattooed across my stomach. Fully annotated. Rey Rey gets some offence in and then Charles Robinson kicks the Dudleys from ringside. Will Robinson outbump everybody in the ring tonight? Rey Rey with the fun leapfrog to the floor and SUDDENLY! A COMMERCIAL! I'll go get a drink of Kool Aid and try not to think of my lost love- CRZ's Pretty Hair.... Oh CRZ'S Hair, do you cry out in your sleep, all my failings exposed? Gets a taste in my mouth as desperation takes hold. Why is it something so good just can't function no more? Love. Love will tear us apart. Again. Rey Rey does a Psicosis-level shoulder into the steel post. Spike is rudotastic taking the rana off the toprope. Fun batch of Lucha rollups and Rey Rey schools Dudley on the mat. Robinson takes a full Crossbody Block. Shenanigans as Kenzo fights for the purity of American linguistics by Claw STOing Rey Rey. RVD comes in and fights for tolerance and diversity! FUCK YEAH! AND LEGALIZE IT, MOTHERFUCKERS!

- Ah MicroTouch. Even the (assuredly hairless) guy spouting the phone number is sexy and alluring...

- LINDA MCMAHON IS ON MY TV SCREEN! Something else is on the inside of my sweatpants. Yeah! Soothe me, baby.

- Torrie Wilson is soooooo smoked by Dawn Marie. Dawn Marie understands that black boots plus plaid skirt equals the TRUE ESSENCE OF THE SPRUNG. Goddam, if I wasn't still recovering from Linda, I would definately toast a load over my Red Green Stuffed and Mounted dvds onto my mint condition 1997 Lady Gong Calendar. Moolah and Mae makes this so work. Teddy is SPENT after the moment tightening up that backstroke with this postMILF tagteam. Mae Young digs her fingers up the ref's ass. Mae kicks Torrie near her cooter before doing a series of moves with own wrinkled possibly bacon-stripped cooch. All who view this match spend the next twenty minutes trying to get their testicles to descend again. JILLION STARS.

- The Big Show's theme gets yelled over. I need the Eddy Guerrerro tabasco shirt. They go super old school and Angle runs from Big Show the whole match. Eddy pummels Horshu until Angle kicks Eddy in the ribs during a save. Angle and Eddy are SOLID GOLD early with the sweeet Drop Toe Hold. Eddy sentons onto Angle after Big Show slams Angle from the apron. Angle cuts off Eddy and Horshu beats on him for a while. Angle hits a nice Belly To Belly. Eddy has a comeback with a dropkick and gets the hot tag. Angle bumps ENOOORME to the floor trying to sneak attack Big Show. Big Show kills Rains dead and they set up the SUPER LOVE MACHINE SPLASH. Angle breaks it up and Eddy fucking DIES on the rail from the top. So we go to a commercial. Angle has Eddy in a HalfCrab when we get back. Angle and Luther work over Eddy's knee and Big Show is perfectly Gibsonesque on the apron. Angle and Eddy go all UWFi with the dueling kneebars. Angle tags out and Luther cuts Eddy off. Eddy does something and makes the SECOND HOT TAG! SUPER LOVE MACHINE SPLASH (eh, it was okay)! AAND it's Mark Jindrak. And a tranquilizer dart? You've got to be shitting me. Why not just hypnotize him or put a voodoo curse on him. I welcome you too "something retarded". The haircutting was fun. If they shave his pubes, I'd be surprised if they would show it on TV.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Oh GOD. Rey and RVD versus Kenzo and Le Tres Beau Grand WANG is a PPV match? Who on earth is stupid enough to pay money for that? fuck, if you have that kind of money to ball up and throw on ground, just mail the money to me instead. I'll spend it on a bucket of chicken. Oh yeah. Popeyes. Spicy. Mmmmmm. E-mail me, playah. I've got IDEAS for your money.

- VISCERA? Gangrel? Where is Duke the Dumpster Droese? Fantasio cost too much money? Xanta Clause not returning calls? Hey, it's MUGAtaker. And it's JBL. It's gonna be a long road to the main event. God, Mabel is fatter than Loch Ness- but without the cardio. Gangrel is a good lil worker and gladly sells the assbeating like a man. And it's a SQUASHTASM~! Postmatch, Mabel gets almost FOUR inches off the ground for the chokeslam.

- Heidenriech channeling both Big John and the Dennis Hopper character from THE RIVER'S EDGE when trying to get up in McMahon's buttocks with a poem was almost ingenious, but come on. It's not going to lead to any wrestling you'd ever want to see.

- John Cena does an Ode to Catchphrases. Sheesh. Fuck this weak shit. MORE OF MAE YOUNG'S HONEY POT! DON'T SING IT! BRING IT! Angle comes out bitter and this turns into a total sub-Slammies fauxMETAmoment.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN. FELINOIAC~!
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redsoxnation
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#2 Posted on 23.9.04 2148.08
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2150.08
I actually flip on SD briefly for the first time in months and I see Kurt Angle using a tranquilizer gun? This is Kevin Sullivan booking WCW on acid stupidity. Consider the 20 year old angle they have stolen: Eddy Guerrero is now SD Jones? Paul Wight doesn't have the fro of Andre to make the haircut seem important. Jindrak and Reigns are not Heenan and Studd. Perhaps Angle could qualify as Patera due to the Olympic connection, but at least Patera had Andre trapped in a full nelson, he wasn't using a tranquilizer gun. All this idea needs now is a leprachaun to reach utter stupidity.
DEAN, how can you become (relatively) sober after this?
too-old-now
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#3 Posted on 23.9.04 2200.53
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2204.19
Only one "Mighty" this week? I guess maybe you aren't drunk enough. While this lack of alcohol and the new Dean Diet leaves us wieners feeling like we've lost something, at the same time I wish you well in the battle of the beer belly...

I gotta agree IHOP and Friendly's are two chains with a huge variety in the quality/value department, and you can count on mediocrity on at least something on the menu. I've had better luck with IHOP as it isn't heard to F up pancakes, but the blue roof vs. red roof war evens up when you factor in Friendly's take out watermelon sherbet...

London has been the best new talent since he signed. He is getting solid reactions as he kills himself for our entertainment. Booker isn't shabby, against good workers he can work a damned fine match.

Welcome Back CRZ's hair, we missed you...

I thought Show was supposed to have lost some weight? I guess when he left to fix his knees, he forgot to get a haircut. I was all set to call him the Big Combover....

Austin and Hogan's taped segments showed them both begging for work... I had almost forgotton how great Austin used to be. Too bad he had to end his career fueding with Bischoff...

What color was the 74 maverick? Fire Engine Red, or Blank White...The first car we had with an 8 track player, which played the 5th dimension all day and night...

Mae and Moolah were a nice touch, hope not to see them for the rest of the "season"
Matt Tracker
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#4 Posted on 23.9.04 2208.03
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2209.01
Doesn't matter who wins at the PPV; Booker's next feud seems to be against London, and, to quote Lesnar, that's just fine and dandy with me.

When was the last wrestling show to feature both Billy Graham and Hulk Hogan? That's not rhetorical. Suckas gots to know!

Cole tried to sell the Suzuki/Dupree interference as proof of Spike's manipulations instead of realizing they were seeking revenge for Rey's suckerpunch. But I like the idea; Spike Corleone, SmackDown Godfather, could be cool.

The Lovely Mrs. Tracker was aghast at the use of a tranq dart even if Big Show is bigger than her car. I tried to put in the context of previous weapons, like the Austin net gun used against the NWO, the Mountie's shock stick, Scott Hall's cattle prod on Goldberg and I'm pretty sure someone was tasered. In the litany of weapons, it ain't so bad. But, yes, for the casual viewer, Paul Wright had a fucking dart sticking out of his back. Ick. Icky poo.
NickBockwinkelFan
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#5 Posted on 23.9.04 2242.11
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2242.28
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Kidman has the acting range of Fred Dryer.


Dean, you know deep in your heart that Fred Dryer fucking ruled as Hunter.

This show had it all: the textbook sexual tension between Hunter and the Brass Cupcake, unlimited police brutality, 1974-1977 Chrysler products and freebase superstar Garrett Morris as Sporty James.

(edited by NickBockwinkelFan on 23.9.04 2343)
Phantom Lord
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#6 Posted on 23.9.04 2248.23
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2249.32
I missed most of Smackdown tonight due to a family emergency and I think at some point tonight I will be hitting the bottle of scotch to do that shot I owe to the career of Nick Dinsmore.

While I'm at it I'll do a couple for Kurt Angle for being lowered to using a freaking Dart Gun. Sure it was funny to watch...but Jesus Christ some needs to get the word out that just cause it seemed like a good idea during the meeting doesnt mean the rest of us will think it was good.

I feel like McMahon owes me a bottle of Scotch for parading Moolah and Young out in School Girl outfits. No amount of Japanese School Girl Porn will ever get rid of the tarnished image those two old bags gave the outfits tonight.

But as I've always said, next to Billy Kidman 'Irish' Pat Kenney is the luckiest Son of a Bitch on the Face of the Earth.

Torchslasher
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#7 Posted on 23.9.04 2321.24
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2323.03
It's not as if Dawn Marie doesn't have some Silicone in her body. I'm fascinated with people that like her more than Torrie. Wilson's face and body KILL Dawn Marie. As for personality, I'll give that to Mrs. Kenney.

EDIT- Dean DID talk about Josh...my bad. I still need more than one sentence...I need "Ze Many Loves of Josh Matthews."

(edited by Torchslasher on 23.9.04 2123)

(edited by Torchslasher on 23.9.04 2124)
Amazing Telephone
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#8 Posted on 23.9.04 2330.08
Reposted on: 23.9.11 2330.52
"Tazz, what would you -- if you were starting off this match against May Young, what would your strategy be?"
"I'd, uh... I'd run. Yeah, I'd probably run. Run and maybe give her a bottle of gin."

I can't believe I've actually missed Gangrel. Gangrel! I'd forgotten how happy that guy is just to be out there, hanging himself off the top rope by his legs after the slightest tap. God, do I ever hope they keep him around. Give him a belt! Give him the belt! Do whatever it takes!

Something else I'd forgotten is just how well Charles Robinson eats a ref bump. Some referees settle for being accidentally elbowed, but no, not Robinson -- Robinson insists that he take at least a second-rope twisting springboard cross-body full-on and then sell it as though Kurt Angle has shot him with a tranq dart (just so the Big Show has some reference material to work off of later). Ah, good times.
Sean Carless
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#9 Posted on 24.9.04 0057.34
Reposted on: 24.9.11 0057.53
After the tranq gun fiasco, am I the only one who would have marked out for a Will Farrell/Seann Willam Scott Old School-like skit backstage?

And I might be mistaken, but I could have sworn I never heard the name "Hulk" mentioned once during any of the Hogan appearance. (with it even being edited from the Edge/Hogan match commentary).
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#10 Posted on 24.9.04 0057.36
Reposted on: 24.9.11 0057.54
    Originally posted by Phantom Lord
    No amount of Japanese School Girl Porn will ever get rid of the tarnished image those two old bags gave the outfits tonight.


WHO ARE YOU TO DOUBT THE POWER OF JAPANESE PORNOGRAPHY?!?!

(And it was a brown 74 Maverick. 302 two barrel. It was a motherfucker.)
CRZ
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#11 Posted on 24.9.04 0331.38
Reposted on: 24.9.11 0331.45
    Originally posted by NickBockwinkelFan
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      Kidman has the acting range of Fred Dryer.


    Dean, you know deep in your heart that Fred Dryer fucking ruled as Hunter.

    This show had it all: the textbook sexual tension between Hunter and the Brass Cupcake, unlimited police brutality, 1974-1977 Chrysler products and freebase superstar Garrett Morris as Sporty James.

    (edited by NickBockwinkelFan on 23.9.04 2343)
Did you see 2002's "Hunter: Return to Justice?" (us.imdb.com) (I must confess I totally missed 2003's "Hunter: Back in Force" (us.imdb.com))
Mr.Blackwell
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#12 Posted on 24.9.04 0656.43
Reposted on: 24.9.11 0659.01
For some reason the initial sight of Moolah and Mae made me break down laughing. And that just saddens me.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#13 Posted on 24.9.04 1003.25
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1004.11
    Originally posted by CRZ
      Originally posted by NickBockwinkelFan
        Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
        Kidman has the acting range of Fred Dryer.


      Dean, you know deep in your heart that Fred Dryer fucking ruled as Hunter.

      This show had it all: the textbook sexual tension between Hunter and the Brass Cupcake, unlimited police brutality, 1974-1977 Chrysler products and freebase superstar Garrett Morris as Sporty James.

      (edited by NickBockwinkelFan on 23.9.04 2343)
    Did you see 2002's "Hunter: Return to Justice?" (us.imdb.com) (I must confess I totally missed 2003's "Hunter: Back in Force" (us.imdb.com))


I sworn I haven't seen a Fred Fryer vehicle since DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR. Your Fred Dryer fixation is absolutely adorable. Why did Hacksaw Reynolds never get a series?
Pimpstress
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#14 Posted on 24.9.04 1045.02
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1047.21
Dean, reading your review was waaaaaaay more fun than actually watching Smackdown last night. It was a'ight. Nothing great. Nothing spectacular. I'm always game for Moolah and Mae Young on the tube, though. They're always entertaining and fun to watch.

One thing I've discovered about the WWE and season premieres, I think "Season Premire" translates into "Lots and lots of bad hairstyles." Ya got Big Show's chop job in the middle of the ring, Kenzo Suzuki came out looking like the retarded offspring of Genghis Khan last night. And you had Jericho sporting a mullet on RAW. Yep. It's a season of bad hair.

Your review was the shit, but I gotta say that IHOP and Friendly's kick ass. Can't agree with ya on that one!
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#15 Posted on 24.9.04 1102.48
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1103.20
    Originally posted by Pimpstress
    Your review was the shit, but I gotta say that IHOP and Friendly's kick ass. Can't agree with ya on that one!


DR: Come to Richmond, young Pimpstress. I know the Friendly's and the IHOP that will cure you of the love. Truly, they serve the MEAL OF HATE.
sentonBOMB
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#16 Posted on 24.9.04 1115.54
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1119.13
    Originally posted by too-old-now
    Only one "Mighty" this week? I guess maybe you aren't drunk enough. While this lack of alcohol and the new Dean Diet leaves us wieners feeling like we've lost something, at the same time I wish you well in the battle of the beer belly...


It's not the Dean Diet, it's the Simon System. Get it right.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#17 Posted on 24.9.04 1124.47
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1126.56
    Originally posted by sentonBOMB
      Originally posted by too-old-now
      Only one "Mighty" this week? I guess maybe you aren't drunk enough. While this lack of alcohol and the new Dean Diet leaves us wieners feeling like we've lost something, at the same time I wish you well in the battle of the beer belly...


    It's not the Dean Diet, it's the Simon System. Get it right.


I'm trying de-regimentalize my drinking- make it more of a psychotic episode as opposed to a weekly ritual. You know, make it filthy and repellent again.
3Is
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#18 Posted on 24.9.04 1222.00
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1225.50
I for one loved the tranquilizer. And of course Show had to be the one to take the dart.

Too bad they could not have developed a Crocodile Hunter type character out of someone to be the one to eventually shoot him.

Fuckin hell, I would have liked to be at the meeting where that idea was passed on to Show, "The Kurt shoots you."
"How do we fake that?"
"Well, Paul, we, uh, don't."
"I guess. Then what?"
"Then you stumble around for five minutes and then they shave your head."
"Sure, I'm game" (no pun intended)
sentonBOMB
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#19 Posted on 24.9.04 1322.35
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1326.21
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      Originally posted by sentonBOMB
        Originally posted by too-old-now
        Only one "Mighty" this week? I guess maybe you aren't drunk enough. While this lack of alcohol and the new Dean Diet leaves us wieners feeling like we've lost something, at the same time I wish you well in the battle of the beer belly...


      It's not the Dean Diet, it's the Simon System. Get it right.


    I'm trying de-regimentalize my drinking- make it more of a psychotic episode as opposed to a weekly ritual. You know, make it filthy and repellent again.


I'm all for binge drinking, so good work.
Phantom Lord
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#20 Posted on 24.9.04 1711.13
Reposted on: 24.9.11 1712.09
I'm sorry Dean...I forgot the power of barely legal 18 year olds in gym uniforms.

And I saw The Hunter reunion movie and it was pretty damn good.

Supposedly they were going to make a new series based on Hunter going down to San Diego...but it hasnt happened yet.

Correction...According to IMDB the new Hunter is in Production as of April 2003.

Either way Hunter rules.
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