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The 7 - Guest Columns - Satire and Cake (9/13/04)
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 14.9.04 1115.43
Reposted on: 14.9.11 1115.55
Last Night: HHH won the WWE World Heavyweight Title when it was revealed that Randy Orton didn’t have enough skee ball tickets to get the belt after all. Shawn Michaels got a big win over Kane when X-Pac spin kicked in Lita’s womb and Kane got counted out trying to feel it. Nah, I’m just kidding, Shawn kicked Kane in the face. And Chris Jericho won his record breaking 35th Intercontinental title ensuring mid-card appearances for years to come starting…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

In the ring is Evolution without HHH but WITH a big cake. And…uh…hell, I like the trade. I’d much rather have a cake than a HHH. They should have held out for a little more Kane though. I’m just sayin’. Is the cake for my two year anniversary? Because that’s not for, like, another 3 weeks. Don’t get me wrong though, I appreciate the sentiment. I just noticed that the ring is filled with The Godfather’s Hos as well. It’s good to see these lovely ladies of the night are still getting some…er…action. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” poses for the ladies so they all run away, right into Triple Naitch who tries to grope them. The ladies settle for standing outside the ring. Ric Flair has the mic. I hope to God he explains all this. Wait did that say “Ric Flair has the mic”? Aw dammit.

RF: WHOOO! TRIPLE H! World Heavyweight Style and Profile took all your old ladies on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY! Nine times, nine times, nine times, nine times, nine times, nine times, nine times, nine times, nine times WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World! GAME! WOOO!”

Uh…Ok…I kinda get it. I think. HHH is out. Maybe HE’LL exp…Uh…never mind. Dave? A little help?

DBD: HHH is the CHAMPION!

Oh.

HHH: You’re damn right HHH is the champion! And he’s got all these lovely ladies and a big ass cake, and FINALLY we can say that Randy Orton is no longer the heavyweight champion. And admit it folks, as MUCH as you hate me, and you know you do, that makes you feel goooooood. So good it’s dirty. That’s right you LIKE it when Uncle Hunter is heavyweight champion?! Don’t you?! DON’T YOU!? YEAH THAT’S RIGHT YOU DO! Now I know there’s some hot chick in this cake so let’s see it!

Scott Hall in a Dress pops out of the cake and does his “I’m the bad guy” pose. HHH is about to complain when Randy Orton runs into the ring and shoves Hunter into the cake and throws Dave and Ric out of the ring. Randy takes off up the ramp while Scott Hall eats some cake off Hunter’s shoulder. Then the cake explodes. Waah Waah Waawawawawaooh….

(ads)

HHH is backstage rubbing frosting in Eric Bischoff’s hair.

HHH: How does this feel? Huh, Eric? Frosting in your hair?! BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME!!
EB: It’s…oddly refreshing.
HHH: And…wow. It’s got good hold.
EB: Plus I’ll smell like friggin’ cake all day. The chicks are gonna LOVE THIS! Thanks, Hunter!
HHH: Gimmie some of that! Oh yeah! Fatties here I come!
EB: Right. But I need you to do a favor for me, Hunter. Stick around for at least the Evolution v. Orton match.
HHH: All right. But after that…Fatty city.
EB: Totally.
HHH: I’m totally going to go listen to “Adia” and get pumped.
EB: KNOCK IT OFF!

Chris Benoit (w/ William Regal) v. Rob Conway (w/ Sylvain Grenier)

Oh, man. Poor Benoit. No, not because of his dip into the mid-card, he deserved that. But he wins ONE match with Regal, and now the guy is following him around, thinking he’s Benoit’s friend. Benoit locks Conway in the Crossface. Hey! In the crossface, Conway looks kinda like Chuck Palumbo. And as Regal would be more than happy to tell you, there’s an old English saying, “He what looks like Chuck Palumbo, jobs like Chuck Palumbo. Pip pip, Cheerio!” And now that I’ve alienated my entire British audience, I’d like to submit: Crumpets? WTF?

(ads)

Whoa! Mick Foley and Bradshaw are running for president. Geez. I didn’t even friggin’ know. Man, when is the WWE going to show me clips of THOSE conventions?

Shelton Benjamin is coming back. Coming back where?

Back THERE!

AHAHAhahahaha…Uh…right.

My Darling Stacy is in the ring. That’s a wonderful shirt. Thing. But you can tell things aren’t going to go swimmingly because she’s not wearing panties. Uh…I mean she’s wearing shorts. Molly Holly runs out and tries to scare everyone off with her SHORT HAIR OF DOOM~! She tells Stacy that there will be no DIVA SEARCH 2004~! yet because it’s time for a match! Stacy decides that there will be no matches yet because it’s time for a danceoff. Really? Huh.

Molly Holly v. Stacy Keibler
In a Dance Dance Divalution Match

William Regal’s music plays, which is hilarious because William is an AWESOME dancer, and Molly Holly leaps around the ring. The crowd chants “Go White Boy, Go White Boy, Go!” I dunno. Molly should probably have tried to do some ghetto booty stuff. That might have worked. As it is she just jumps around a lot. I think the Russian judge gave her a 4.3, which seems fair, but I’m sure Molly will challenge. Stacy dances around for a bit, but really, she needs to be on a desk or something for it to have its full effect. I DO remember though when she was doing this every week to try to get into Playboy, which is funny for some reason that I just can’t place right now. Oh, well. Molly beats up Stacy, Nidia runs in for the save, then Stacy jams her heel into Molly’s throat which…ow. Gail Kim runs out to make the save, and I see where their going with this and I don’t like it one bit. Listen, I’ll bemoan the lack of wrestling with the best of them, but DON’T make it a women’s match…please? Trish and Victoria run out to complete the set and dammit. Eric Bischoff, wearing a marble cake on his head, tells them all to shut up and wrestle. NO!

(ads)

My Darling Stacy, Nidia, and Victoria v. Gail Kim, Trish Stratus and Molly Holly

Back to my comment on Playboy…I totally get why more WWE girls don’t want to be in Playboy, but I’m surprised they don’t do FHM or Maxim or something like that. I know Stacy and Stephanie have done Stuff, but still. I mean, it’s win win for both sides, right? WWE gets free publicity, Maxim sells a few more mags. Don’t tell me they wouldn’t do it either, because I KNOW they would. Hell, my favorite low rent cable star Morgan Webb has done Maxim and now FHM and, hell, Avril just did Maxim. It’s probably just the WWE wanting to control ALL the cash flow, which is stupid. But, hey, it allowed me to skip talking about this match which was the whole point. Booyah. Stacy beat Molly.

Wha?

Kane is pissed off because Lita kept him up all night picking out a color for the baby’s room. I’d go with daffodil. Maybe it’s time for another episode of WWE Trading Spaces? Kane wants a match with Shawn Michaels, but Bischoff says know because Shawn’s back is too bad to have to carry Kane two nights in a row. Bischoff offers instead to let Kane beat some stupid jobber, and Kane loves that idea. He can actually beat some jobber. Bischoff says that yes, it will be “Kane v. Kane” later tonight. Kane frowns and chases Bischoff around while Keystone cops music plays.

(ads)

It’s time for the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels.

CJ: Haha! Remember the time you beat me right here in this very city?
HBK: Yeah, what a jobber you are.
CJ: Were. What a jobber I “were”.
HBK: Right. Hey…I’m feelin’ midcardy, wanna wrestle for the Intercontinental title?
CJ: NO! I’ll LOSE!
SM: Hehehehe…That’s right.
CJ: Do you really wanna be stuck havin’ the Intercontinental Title? Like me?
HBK: Aw…crap. Not really.

Here’s Chris Tian doin’…uh something. With Tyson Tomko.

CT: Did somebody say “mid-card” because…THAT’S MY CUE!
HBK: Hey, do YOU want to job to me? Because, that’d be neato.
CT: It’s a step-up! It’s a NEW DAY FOR CHRIS TIAN’S CAREER!

Then Jericho runs around the ring and starts yelling at people to stop cheering that whiny bitch Michaels and start cheering him, because there’s only ONE Intercontinental champion outside THIS ring and it’s NOT Shawn Michaels.

CJ: Wait…I have an idea. How about Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho v. Tyson Tomko and Chris Tian.
HBK: What’s your angle here, Jericho?
CJ: You’ll refuse to job, but since I’m your partner…I’ll WIN!
HBK: Not a chance!
TT: …
HBK: Tyson, you make an interesting argument. It’s on!
CJ: HaHA!

(ads)

Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels v. Tyson Tomko and Chris Tian

I’m pretty sure Trish STILL doesn’t know Christian’s back. Shawn prances around the ring, and I’ve gotta say, I missed it. Tomko and Michaels have a battle of wits, which, sadly, Tyson wins pretty handily. J.R. decides to spend the majority of this part of the match talking about Tomko’s tattoos, which look kinda like a little maze. Can YOU help Old Mr. Wently find his cheese sandwich? Pick a line! Hmmm…I tried it, and Old Mr. Wently got eaten by a bear. I blame the cameramen who won’t sit still. Jericho and Michaels jump over the top rope. ROCKERS 2004~! Let’s take a break.

(ads)

All four guys are fighting now, and it’s crazy go nuts in Seattle. Tian attacks Michaels outside the ring, but Shawn comes back to hit Tomko with a Superkick to win. Shawn Michaels won a match?! Wow! Jericho and Tian fight for a while, before Shawn gets involved and gets laid out again. Poor, Shawn. He can’t lose, but he always gets laid out. I blame negative karma from all that time travel. This match suffered from not only a devastating lack of Kane, but a crowd so hot that Tyson Tomko’s pants melted to the canvass. Well, no fricking wonder he lost.

(ads)

Triple H with short hair is trying to sell me some weight loss pills. Do I wash them down with YJ Stinger? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I know it’s Super Nova. You’ve come a long way from inventing wrestling. He even flashes Vince McMahon’s number up on the screen with a little message that says “Please tell Vince to push Nova. Please?” Now all we need is Muffy back. Then it’ll be like having HHH and Stephanie back on TV.

Finally, it’s time for DIVA SEARCH 2004~!

Eliminated this week…Mountina! HOLY CRAP! OH NO!!! Mountina is deservedly shocked, and breaks down into tears as he runs backstage to the waiting arms of Pierre Oulette. I…I just can’t believe it! So, now it’s down to two, Lance Storm and Carmella Anthony. According to inside sorces (i.e. Dave Meltzer’s Mom), Lance is winning the Internet voting. Good for him. Here’s…Vince?

VM: Thank you, Coach. Next week there is going to be a HUGE announcement about all kinds of wrestlers and Eric Bischoff, but this week you nerds are stuck watching women with hilariously oversized coal miners gloves. But…uh…Hef just called me up, and Carmella can’t get hit. Everybody’s seen her box anyway, so why don’t you guys just beat up Coach?

WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan tells everybody to make sure to punch Coach in the balls once for him. Lance decks Coach with the glove and puts him in the Canadian Mapleleaf. Coach taps and the crowd goes wild. I guess they’re JUST close enough to Canada for Lance to draw a reaction. When it is her turn, Carmella just stares at Coach and smiles. I think it could be loooooove…or not. Then some police come and take her away. What’s going on here?! I guess Lance wins this competition. Next week: The END OF DIVA SEARCH 2004~! Too soon!

(ads)

Abe Orton v. Kane (w/ Lita w/ X-Pac)

Uh-oh. I think Abe is Randy’s cousin by the way, for those of you doing wrestling family trees at home. Kane starts to squash Abe, so he bails and grabs a chair. Kane grabs the chair, but Abe kicks it into Lita’s face. Kane freaks out and Lita starts crying. I guess Bischoff didn’t want to have to fire X-Pac this time. Medics and officials run out to try to save this angle, but one of the officials is Dean Malenko who starts making out with Lita’s unconscious body. Kane is sad. Abe Orton, however, is THRILLED~! This has totally made his career. From now on, he can tour high school gyms and armories and EVERYBODY will know who he is. Cheap pop!

(ads)

Over on Smackdown: Big Show killed the entire roster. Next week? He jobs to Jamie Noble.

That match didn’t have an ending! I want my money back! Lita’s in an ambulance and Kane’s going to ride with her. The driver turns around.

KN: To the hospital! Quickly!
SA: What?
KN: What the hell are you doing here?
SA: What?
KN: Oh crap.
SA: Sorry. I needed a job. All right, let’s get started.
KN: Have you been drinking Steve?
SA: *Glug Glug Glug* What? Oh…uh…no?

Austin drives the ambulance into the side of a limo, then a semi-drives by and drives through the ambulance, then another limo slams underneath the semi, then a crane picks up the second limo and drops it into a vat of concrete, then Undertaker chokeslams Dean through the top of the first limo, then a white hummer runs over Taker.

SA: Uh…is everybody, all right? Uh…

Austin drives off on his ATV of Extreme Justice.

(ads)

Randy Orton v. Evolution

Orton gets into the ring and Evolution beats him up. No endings tonight! HHH goes nuts punching Orton in the nose trying to avenge the injury suffered by Dave earlier. Poor Randy. Not the face! Not the face! Here’s Shelton Benjamin to make the save? Huh? I thought Orton and Benjamin hated each other? Maybe Shelton was just tired of falling over. Then Chris Benoit runs out for…I dunno. Maybe he’s just pissed at being in the midcard. Randy Orton locks Shelton and Benoit in the CHINLOCK OF CELEBRATION~! as the show ends, because he never got hit with the PEDIGREE TO ORTON! Not tonight.

Next Week: Randy, Shelton and Benoit all share an uncomfortable silence as William Regal tries to work his way into this angle. Shawn Michaels ignores his bride to continue his holding down of the midcard. Baby X-Pac is born six months early, and all that comes out is a hand, Hall and Nash are THRILLED.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Seventeen: Where’s the Disco Duck?

Earlier in the day….

HH: Ok, the plan’s all set, brothers.
LS: What exactly WAS the plan?
HH: I told the police that Carmella beat up my gigantic daughter last week and then tried to seduce her into sleeping with Jeff Garcia.
TD: Our best plan ever! Right, Rob?
RVD: Duuuuuude…That new G.I. Joe is creepy.
LS: But isn’t she, like, fifteen?
HH: Propositioning a minor, dude. She can’t win the Diva Search if she’s in jail. Plus the publicity will be GREAT for Brooke.
RVD: Yeah! All Right!!
TD: I propositioned a miner one time. That shovel in my back was HARDCORE!!
LS: That’s a disturbing picture, Tommy.
TD: I can’t wait until we win the $250,00. Do you know how many hotdogs that could buy?
RVD: 1,957.
TD: Uh…oh.
LS: What about the Jade gopher? Aren’t we in this to try to get money to keep chasing that?
TD: Oh, I totally forgot.
RVD: I totally forgot too! Yeah! All right!!
HH: Brothers, I’ve got to go sit in this semi, I’ll see you all later.

RVD, Lance and Tommy walk towards the arena.

TD: Hey! Dig that cool white Hummer!
LS: Hmm…Hold on, I’ve got to check something.

Lance runs over and opens the Hummer door.

LS: Disco Inferno?!
DI: Yeah. I was sick of being held down. So I…uh...tried to kill everyone.
LS: Oh you did not. No way you would have been in such a high profile angle.
DI: Yeah. You’re right. I was plan F. Plan A was to have it be Dusty Rhodes.
LS: What?
DI: Watch TNA, bitches!

….

LS: No.
DI: Please?
RVD: Woah, duuuuude! Disco Inferno! Where’s the Disco Duck?!
DI: I believe you mean Disqo Duq?
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
DI: He’s on Heat. I can’t believe the duck has had a more successful career than me.
LS: You really can’t believe that?
DI: Ok, yeah I CAN, but I’m not supposed to SAY that.
TD: Hey, at least your boss could afford to pay you.

Back to now…

MT: I can’t believe I lost. I didn’t get the $250,000.
PO: Maybe ye could go on Tough Enough and win a million?
MT: No, no. All those guys are better wrestlers than I am.
PO: Yar. True that. Maven be a machine.
MT: Never fear, however, brother. Because I vow to still get my man, at whatever the cost.
PO: Err…Well…that be a problem. See, now that ye lost the Booty Search, we be out of
cash funds.
MT: Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got ways of making some money.
PO: What are those?
MT: You’ll see. You’ll see.

Mantaure leaps from the crushed limo, gores Mountina and runs off towards the hospital

(edited by Excalibur05 on 14.9.04 1122)
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Nuclear Winter
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#2 Posted on 15.9.04 0720.57
Reposted on: 15.9.11 0722.11
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    J.R. decides to spend the majority of this part of the match talking about Tomko’s tattoos, which look kinda like a little maze. Can YOU help Old Mr. Wently find his cheese sandwich? Pick a line! Hmmm…I tried it, and Old Mr. Wently got eaten by a bear. I blame the cameramen who won’t sit still.


I read this during my webpage design class and started giggling like a school girl. I looked like an idiot. THANKS A LOT, MATT!
Net Hack Slasher
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#3 Posted on 16.9.04 1632.33
Reposted on: 16.9.11 1632.35
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Over on Smackdown: Big Show killed the entire roster. Next week? He jobs to Jamie Noble.


Or not.
Excalibur05
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#4 Posted on 16.9.04 2236.47
Reposted on: 16.9.11 2237.08
    Originally posted by Net Hack Slasher
      Originally posted by Excalibur05
      Over on Smackdown: Big Show killed the entire roster. Next week? He jobs to Jamie Noble.


    Or not.


I take it as proof that Show reads the Satire and used his backstage pull to get Noble fired.
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