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The 7 - Guest Columns - RAW Satire Knows Best (9/6/04)
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 7.9.04 0937.30
Reposted on: 7.9.11 0937.44
Last Week: Triple H made a deal with Randy Orton: You don’t grab me in the ass, I won’t make you job. Lance Storm made a profanity laden plea for people to stop thinking with their dicks and start thinking with their vaginas. Chris Tian made his big return by not interacting with Trish, who won’t he interact with…TONIGHT?!

Eric Bischoff is out with a cane (for pimping) and something behind a curtain. Man, if you’re going to recycle an angle, please wait a few weeks so we all forget about it. You just did the “Let’s Make a Deal” thing LAST week. He says that’s super excited that HHH agreed to drive Eugene out of Wrestling and into complaining about crappy emo music after a cage match tonight. It’s a natural progression really. Then when he gets too fat to hang out at depressing music clubs: movie critic. It’s all perfect really. But…uh…if he hasn’t quit yet…then…wouldn’t he have?

Anywho, back to the show. Apparently according to Bischoff, Edge won’t be able to defend the Interconinetal title for 30 days, so the I.C. title match will be given to the next two people whose music plays. Play my music!! Er…on second thought…when the hell was the last time I defended the Stacy title? Now’s probably not the best time to be bringing attention to myself. That’s probably why Trish doesn’t come out with Chris Tian. Tian hopes that he can be the champion based on the fact that he and Edge share the same bloodline and so it’ll be just like Edge was still the champion. Bloodline? Is Chris Tian a vampire? Like William Regal? No, wait, they’re brothers. I forgot. Chris Jericho is out next. Dammit. I was kinda hoping Rosey would come out. That would have MESSED people UP. Bischoff loves that little float though, so he would have been cool with it. Aw, Eric, there’s always Heat. Jericho wants the title because he’s friggin’ tired of this angle and he just wants a belt.

CJ: Let’s let the fans decide what kind of match we have!
Crowd: How about you have a match that doesn’t suck?
Guy: SCAFFOLD MATCH! AHAHAHAHA!!
CJ: Let’s not let the fans decide what kind of match we have!
EB: I dunno…how about a gravy bowl match?
CT: I’m all for that.
CJ: No. Shut up.
EB: Man, I wish Rosey would have come out.
CJ: I’ve got it! We take the title….
EB: Yeah?
CJ: String it up above the ring….
EB: Yeah?!
CJ: Put up some sort of climbing device….
EB: YEAH?!
CJ: And have a SCAFFOLD MATCH!
Guy: That’s AWESOME! THE WWE REALLY LISTENS TO IT’S FANS!!
EB: Err…no.
Guy: Aw….
CJ: Ok. Fine. Ladder match?
EB: Awesome!
Crowd: Booooooring….

(ads)

Ric Flair, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and La Resistance v. Rhyno, Tajiri, William Regal and Chris Benoit

Dave poses and I can tell it’s going to be a long night. It’s nice to see Chris Benoit bringing the WORKRATE~! back to the mid-card. J.R. mentions all the different countries being represented here, but when Lawler questions Benoit’s nationality, J.R.’s head falls off and rolls down the ramp. Damn. I hate when that happens. Everybody gets to the ring and stands around while the crowd soaks up the fact that, like, half the PPV line-up is in the ring right now. Things get crazy go nuts when everybody starts chopping eachother. The crowd yells “Yee Haw!” Oh! We’re in Texas? Oh boy! That means a Jacqueline match, right?! What? Really? Oh no! Well…I guess that means more time for some other…crappy wrestling….

(ads)

Man, is this match STILL going on? Somebody hurry up and get hit with the Osprey bomb. Tajiri kicks everyone in the back of the head, just cuz it’s fun. I mean, he’s not winning. Everybody gets back into the ring and mills around for a while. It’s like a high school reunion in there, a lot of hatred, but it’s all old and not very well developed so nobody is real sure what the hell to do so they all just stand around. Then Benoit nails Rob Conway with a diving headbutt and the Sharpshooter. Benoit’s team wins! Benoit beating a member of La Resistance helps set up the PPV by…uh…no, no…it’ll come to me…wait…um…never mind.

OMG BENOIT~!

(ads)

Over on Smackdown: Are they seriously pushing Horshu and Hnnrnnr? What the hell? Coming Soon to Smackdown: HAIL!

Todd Grisham is backstage with Randy Orton….

TG: WHY DID SOMEBODY HAVE TO PUT IN ANOTHER QUARTER?!
RO: Huh?
TG: I’m not sure. Nothing I say makes any sense anymore.
RO: Should I discuss my match with Kane?
TG: NO! I don’t want to even talk about Kane!
RO: Yeah. Ok, Todd. What DO you want to talk about?
TG: Explain to me why I should purchase WWE Funforgiven on PPV?
RO: Because the whole Kane angle will be explained during a star studded 30 minute match with Shawn Michaels.
TG: REALLY?!
RO: Uh-huh. First, a time travelling doctor played by Christopher Lloyd comes to the ring and says that he has an announcement to make. You see, it turns out that Shawn Michaels from 1991 hired Mr. Lloyd to bring him to the future so that he could have a kid with somebody who wasn’t Sheri Martel. Shawn met Lita who was trying desperately to console herself because she’d just had sex with Kane. So he slipped her some Spanish Fly and took her back to his time traveling future car. He then felt so bad about what he’d done that he signed a marriage license to get married to Lita. Unfortunately, a plucky desk clerk played by one or possibly both of the Olsen twins lost the paper work and wasn’t able to file it until, coincidentally, the Shawn Michaels of today blacked out after an all night bender with buddy Scott Hall. Past Shawn suddenly realized the errors of his ways and traveled BACK in time to stop Kane from setting fire to his parent’s house to stop this whole mess of an angle from ever occurring, however, a lightning strike caused by Shawn’s time travel burned the house down anyway, while a scared and crying Kane ran from the scene claiming physical disabilities as a result of the ensuing fire, which, by the way, would eventually make him eligible for a REALLY choice dental scholarship. Anyway, Shawn didn’t realize how badly he’d screwed up. But Christopher Lloyd did, so he went back to the past to prevent Shawn Michaels from ever hooking up with Sheri in the first place, which caused this whole angle to start anyway, but he accidently set his clock back too far and in his haste and confusion, he ran over X-Pac’s mother. So he did what any self-serving crazy scientist would do, he drafted Lita, drugged her, and then impregnated her with X-Pac’s father’s seed. Oh, and X-Pac’s dad is played by Johnny Depp.
TG: WHAT?!
RO: What about that didn’t you understand? Lita’s baby is X-Pac. That’s why Vince is bringing him back.
TG: …
RO: Don’t you see? I mean, that’s why Kane and X-Pac had such a love hate relationship a few years ago, and why X-Pac eventually turned on Kane and stole his girlfriend. Kane is going to be a horrible father to little X-Pac and thus is going to cause him to develop a serious Oedipal complex.
TG: Bu…bu…what about Shawn Michaels?
RO: Well, you see, Shawn felt so bad about causing all the temporal gaffes that he did, that he let X-Pac join the Kliq.
TG: Oh…?
RO: There’s a subset of this story by which Triple H goes back in time and spends the better part of 1988 as Curt Hennig.
TG: Right.
RO: So are you going to order the PPV now Todd?
TG: I want to travel back in time and kill myself so that I’ll never have anything to do with this show.
CL: You can’t do that Grisham! It’ll cause a PARADOX! Then I’ll have to go back to the future to correct your mistake!

Shawn Michaels drives though in a DeLorean and runs over Todd.

HBK: Oh snap.

Lita is backstage with Trish….

TS: How’s X-Pac and his two dads, Slutty McSlutsalot?
LT: How’s Chris Tian?
TS: Who?
LT: Your boyfriend?
TS: Oh, Tyson’s not my boyfriend, he’s just…like…a boy…that’s my friend.
LT: No. Christ…Tian…the guy that hired Tomko?
TS: You mean Vince? Oh, that was SO over, like, four years ago. Geez, get with the times.
LT: No. The guy was trying to sleep with me and date you on the side.
TS: Jeff Hardy?
LT: No. Christian. Little short guy, has short blonde hair but used to have long blonde hair?
TS: Errr…Test?
LT: Never mind.

Lita leaves but is replaced by Nidia….

ND: I’m here to challenge you to a match!
TS: Match?! What? Why is everyone backstage speaking in moon language?
ND: I want to wrestle!
TS: What the hell are you talking about?
ND: You, me, in the ring?
TS: What?
ND: What?
TS: What?
SA: What?
TS: Steve Austin?! What are you doing here?
SA: We’re in Texas! And…I…really need a job.
ND: Why?
SA: Stabbing your own lawyer can get really expensive.

Nidia dumps HiC all over Trish.

TS: What the hell was that for.
ND: Now it looks like blood. How dare you stab Trish?
SA: OH NO! What hast I done?!
TS: Ugh. The things we do backstage for fun.

(ads)

Nidia v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

Nidia’s shirt falls apart in about five seconds. Did you know she’s not just Puerto Rican, but she’s FROM Puerto Rico. No even a city or anything, just “Puerto Rico”, which, when translated from the German means, “The Port of Rico”. Really, that’s some forward thinking there. I wonder if Carlito Ramon knows that. Trish wins when Nidia and RAW Referee Mike Chioda argue over who gets to grope Nidia’s breast the most. A winner is Mike Chioda. Good for him. Referees never get any play. Except Tim White. He got all the babes. What the hell was with that anyway. What the hell is with this match. Needs more Kane.

HHH is in Eric Bischoff’s office. For what? Let’s find out.

HHH: You know who gives a great live performance? Sarah McLaughlin.
EB: Uh…Hunter, we’re live.
HHH: I friggin’ know. She’s awesome.
EB: Don’t you think we should talk about wrestling?
HHH: Yeah. Sure. Blah Blah Blah Eugene is going to retire something something something Randy Orton sucks.
EB: All right! That’s The Game that I love. Let’s go party after your match.
HHH: Actually, I’m going to go home and mellow out and listen to Mirrorball.
EB: This is really embarrassing.
HHH: PEDI….
EB: Come on, man. It doesn’t work on me.
HHH: Building a mystery….
EB: KNOCK IT OFF!

(ads)

Eugene v. Triple H

Eugene is trying on black rimmed glasses outside the ring. Don’t give away the ending. Kayfabe! Kayfabe! He’s become everything he hates. THAT’S PERFECT! He’s really throwing himself behind this change. HHH shoves Eugene’s face into the side of the cage and Eugene bleeds all over. That dude bleeds pretty easily. HHH nails the Pedigree and walks out the cage door to get the win. Eugene sits up and yells, “HHH was…on offense too long…DUD….” He never friggin’ learns. So HHH comes back to the ring and slams Eugene’s hair in the cage door. That’s the source of his powers! Oh no! Well, at least he learned SOMETHING from Triple Naitch. I’m pretty sure J.R. cries at some point in here, which raises the question, who the hell gave him his head back?

(ads)

Apparently, Eugene IS in fact retired again. He’s a modern day Terry Funk.

Coach is backstage with Edge. Whatever could they discuss?

JC: Hey, Edge. You aren’t the Intercontinental Champion any more. How does that make you feel?
EG: It makes my groin hurt. Really bad, Coach. I have a fire in my loins, and I blame Eric Bischoff.
JC: Waitwaitwaitwait…you can’t blame Eric Bischoff, you’re both heels.
EG: That’s not how it works, Coach. I’m sick of Bischoff running around doing whatever Evolution says. Why won’t he do what Edge says once in a while?!
JC: Well…what does Edge say?
EG: ‘Sup Biggidies?
JC: No wonder….
EG: No, no. Wait. I mean…err…Can a girl get a salad.
EB: Is chicken caesar ok?
EG: Yeah. Uh…thanks.
EB: Yeah. Too bad you still lose the I.C. Title.
EG: Dammit. Stupid salad.

(ads)

Kane and Lita are backstage….

KN: I want you to watch something.
LT: What is it?
KN: It’s this great movie about how we can spice up our sex life.

Kane starts up the video.

LT: This is…uh…you trying to kill Shawn Michaels.
KN: DAMMIT! I told Taker to tape over that old Dukes of Hazzard tape. Goddammit.
LT: Maybe he couldn’t bear to tape over Boss Hog?
KN: Probably not.
LT: Teehee.
KN: What?
SA: What?
LT: Oh, it’s just that seeing two boys fight over which one is actually married to me really turns me on.
KN: Really? Cuz if I woulda known it was that easy, I would have let somebody else marry you YEARS ago.
LT: Oh stop it you big softie.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2004~!

My Darling Stacy introduces the contestants. Before we eliminate anybody this week, we’re going to do an arm wrestling contest. See? Wrestling! They’re going to be wrestling! OMG WORKRATE~! Er…Arm Workrate.

Lance Storm v. Mountina

Lance puts his arm down, but Mountina shocks him with his cattle prod before the match can even begin. As Lance flops around and foams at the mouth, Mountina zaps him again. That’s enough for WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan to call for the bell. Oh no, Lance Storm won by DQ! He’s moving on to the next round.

Carmella v. Josh Matthews

Josh Matthews doesn’t try very hard, but he’s still about to win anyway. Carmella just sits there staring straight ahead. Suddenly, Vince runs out and yells, “Ring the bell, Dammit!” Jack Doan calls for the bell. Oh no! Josh Matthews was screwed. Josh spits on Vince and spells Smackdown with his finger in the air, which takes, like, ten minutes. And I think that S was backwards. And shouldn’t he be spelling “Velocity”? Vince gets on the house mic and says that he didn’t screw Josh Matthews. Josh Matthews screwed Josh Matthews.

Then, a convulsing Lance rolls towards the turnbuckle and ends up knocking a bucket of chili all over everybody. Josh Matthews may have been eliminated this week, but the real winners are the fans. Who…uh…like seeing guys covered in chili. I think I saw a website like that one time. Er…accidentally.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin is coming back. Who?

Kane (w/Lita) v. Randy Orton
Not for the WWE World Title

Orton and Kane fight for a while while Lita eats some pickle flavored cotton candy. That goes really good with Doritos. Don’t ask me how I know that. Orton pokes Kane in his “seein’” eye and Kane bails. He comes back quickly, however, and this time he has a chair. Well, Lita isn’t about to stand for that, so she tries to take the chair so that she can sit down. Kane, ever the gentleman, takes it away so that he can put it down for her. Then Randy hits Kane in the balls, and the referee calls for the DQ. What a mess that was. Triple H comes out and starts telling everyone to get down. Oh no! A bomb! No, he’s just calling for the cage. He used to have powers that brought that down. He’s slipping, man. However, the production people won’t lower the cage because that camera guy is in the way. MOVE! Bischoff comes down and restarts this match as a cage match. Two cage matches in one night? I’m in cage heaven!

(ads)

Cage heaven would be kind of depressing. I mean…you’re still a cage, heaven or not. Orton hits Kane with a chair and an RKO, but Kane wasn’t paying attention. But then Lita trips Kane up when she tries to hug his leg. Kane falls over. Orton wins! HHH tries to go in the cage door, but Randy kicks it back in HHH’s face. Hunter is mildly inconvenienced! Randy leaves, officially getting the win, but he’s chased back into the ring by Flair and Dave Davidson. Kane gets up and Hunter finally works his way around the open door and now Randy is surrounded! Oh no! Randy shoots the chair at Hunter, but the imaginary bullets just bounce off him. Oh no! So Randy just throws the chair at them and jumps over the cage. Orton is the best!

Sunday: Funforgiven is LIVE on PPV where you will have to WATCH it to find out what HAPPENS! Shawn Michaels disputes the horrible lies being passed around that he is X-Pac’s true father. And Randy Orton and Triple H have an epic duel that ends with them agreeing to disagee, which is nice.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Sixteen: Ow My Brains

RVD: Hey, uh…Lance…are you ok, dude?
LS: Vfffbbbbpth….
RVD: Yeah! All Right!! He’s fine!
TD: Uh…Actually…I think we should take him to the hospital.
RVD: Oh.
TD: But at least he’s still in the Diva Search I guess.
HH: Yeah, brothers. Who would have ever guessed that Josh Matthews would have been the one who was eliminated, dude?
RVD: SHOCKING SWERVE~!
LS: Pff…ggllR…bfflt?
TD: I think Lance is trying to say something!
HH: Spit it out, little dude!
LS: Ow…my brains….
RVD: He’s fine! Yeah! All right!!
HH: Ok, brothers, we’re one step closer to winning the Diva Search and getting my
daughter on screen. Who’s next?
TD: Obviously, Carmella provides the biggest competition.
LS: But…but…Mountina tried to kill me.
RVD: You’re fine. Here take a hit out of this hamster ball.
TD: Hamsters are HARDCORE!
HH: Well…how do we get Carmella voted off though.
TD: Rob, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
RVD: I think so dude, but where the hell are we going to get 500,000 red cotton balls?
TD: We’ve got dye. Or else I’m willing to BLADE FOR THE CAUSE!
HH: Do you dudes mind filling me in on the plan?
TD: Well…it’s a work in progress really.
RVD: You’ll see next week, dude.
HH: All right, dude.
RVD: Dude.
HH: Dude.

Elsewhere….

MT: I can’t believe I was disqualified.
PO: Yar, it’s all right, matey! We’re still in the hunt for the booty.
MT: Man! Hunt for the Booty would have been a GREAT name for the Diva Search.
PO: Aye.
MT: Why is that patch over your crotch this week?
PO: I be havin’ crabs.
MT: Ew. But hey! Our plan of telling Mr. McMahon that Josh Matthews was Bret Hart in disguise worked this week.
PO: Aye, now it’s only the Berry and Carmella lubbers.
MT: And soon, it shall only be Lance, and then I will force them to go back to prison where they belong!
PO: Yar. So do ye be havin’ a plan to get rid of Carmella.
MT: Certainly, let’s discuss it in this car….

Mountina opens the door and is gored by Mantaur.
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Texas Kelly
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#2 Posted on 7.9.04 2244.46
Reposted on: 7.9.11 2251.35
I gotta tell you... that sequence with Orton and Grisham and the Back to the Future shit is quite possibly the funniest bit EVER. Awesome stuff. :)
Net Hack Slasher
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#3 Posted on 9.9.04 0050.15
Reposted on: 9.9.11 0050.25
-HHH: Yeah. Sure. Blah Blah Blah Eugene is going to retire something something something Randy Orton sucks.-

HHH is really mailing in his backstage skits these days lol... I liked Eugene rating his HHH match a DUD due to being a one sided match.

JoshMann
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#4 Posted on 9.9.04 0910.05
Reposted on: 9.9.11 0911.35
    Originally posted by Texas Kelly
    I gotta tell you... that sequence with Orton and Grisham and the Back to the Future shit is quite possibly the funniest bit EVER. Awesome stuff. :)


It was...but that said I had to take an Advil after reading it. Time travel stories have that effect on me.
Big Bad
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#5 Posted on 10.9.04 2148.14
Reposted on: 10.9.11 2148.37
Hey man, Mirrorball is a kickass album. I listened to it at work tonight, in fact.

Uh...but anyway, good column.
Excalibur05
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#6 Posted on 10.9.04 2340.04
Reposted on: 10.9.11 2340.18
    Originally posted by Big Bad
    Hey man, Mirrorball is a kickass album. I listened to it at work tonight, in fact.

    Uh...but anyway, good column.


Oh, believe me, I meant nothing bad about Sarah McLaughlin by the mention. In fact, I just saw her in concert last weekend (and it was AWESOME), which has another funny story connected to it that I just don't have time to tell at the moment. But, in any event, it was more the image of HHH rocking out to Mirrorball that got me laughing than anything else.
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