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The 7 - Guest Columns - Satire Loves To Love You, Kane Baby (8/24/04)
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 24.8.04 0815.44
Reposted on: 24.8.11 0816.17
Last Week: Man, oh, man, why didn’t anyone wake me up from being so bored by Randy Orton and Chris Benoit? I almost missed the PEDIGREE TO ORTON~! Kane invited us to go drinking with him and The Undertaker. And Rhyno won a match…oh snap…maybe he can win another one…TONIGHT!

Hey, Hey, Hey! It’s The Coach, must be time for DIVA SEARCH 2004! And indeed it is! Token Black Girl is eliminated. Lance Storm almost cries. They really bonded. Here’s Maven. Of course.

MV: Hey there, Coachy Pants.
JC: OH MY GOD IT’S THE ROCK!!!!!! HOLY COW!!!
MV: Nah. It’s just Maven.
LS: That’s SO Maven.
MV: Rock is here though, and he’s wondering if you wouldn’t mind if he came out?
JC: Nah, tell him to come out.

Hey! It’s sort-of popular movie star, The Rock! How’s that adaptation of The Tempest goin’ there, Rocky?

TR: POON TANG! I love to eat pie! Go see my movies please! I don’t want to fail as an actor!

Then, Rock, Maven and Coach run around in circles and the crowd cries because they can’t figure out which one to cheer for.

TR: Coach, Maven, sit down, you jabronies! Haha, Rock is OLD SCHOOL, daddy!
Crowd: Yay! The Rock!!
TR: Now ladies, I have a special contest for you, but first we need a special guest! Tajiri come on out here!

Tajiri comes out with a pie cart. It’d be cooler if he came out with a pie chart detailing the WWE’s Financial situation and the Rock could have told them, “Ladies, convince investors that the WWE is doing well even though attendance is down!” But no. Pie cart.

LS: Psst…Tajiri! Jesus, man. Look what you’ve done to yourself. You used to be feared. FEARED!
TJ: I am RAW’s Funaki.
LS: FEARED!
TJ: Being feared doesn’t pay the bills. Just ask Giant Gonzalez.
GG: Everyone thought I was silly.
TJ: Oh, snap.
TR: PIE! That’s right, ladies, eat some pie. But do it in a way that lets investors know that the WWE is doing well even though attendance is down.

Everybody, just eats the pie, except Mountina, who says that he’s been looking for some ass crust all day, and sits in the pie. Well, and Carmella who falls asleep in her pie.

TR: That’s HOT, daddy. Vote for Josh Matthews!
LS: Rock! A little help here? Do you want the gopher back or not?
TR: Vote for this goofy looking girl right here!

Here’s La Resistance. Is it too early to say that the Rock/La Resistance feud has been the best feud this year? OMG FOTY Candidate!

SG: Uh-Huh-huh! We are still…how you say…French!
RC: No, dude. I’m an American.
SG: Uh-Huh-huh! I am still…how you say…French!
RC: And plus, we’re French-CANADIAN now.
SG: Oh. So…what do we do then?
RC: Complain about being Canadian, but not do anything about it.
SG: Oh. That…sucks.
RC: Now you’ve got it!
JC: You’re going to pay now for ruining Diva Search 2004, Rock!

Rhyno runs out and Gores La Resistance off the stage. Thank you, sir. Tajiri and Rock go over story ideas for “Rush Hour 3”. Coach is flabbergasted that the Divas segment was actually kind of entertaining. Tell me about it.

(ads)

Backstage, it’s HHH!

HHH: So…did you talk to Randy?
DBD: I DID!
HHH: Did you give him his stuff back?
DBD: He said that you still have a mix tape of HIS!
HHH: Yeah? Well he can have it back when he gives me that cardigan back.
DBD: He says it was a GIFT!
HHH: IT WAS NOT A GIFT! THAT’S IT! ORTON WILL FEEL MY WRATH!
RF: Look at me! I’m naked!!

Kane is in Lita’s dressing room.

KN: Let’s have some pre-wedding sex!
LT: You’re not supposed to see me before the ceremony or you’ll ruin the marriage!
KN: Oh, damn. NO WAY! THAT’S WHAT I WAS GOING TO WEAR! DAMMIT!!
LT: Fine. I’ll go find another one to put on.
KN: Disaster averted!
LT: All right, I have something old.
Sable: Hi!
LT: Something new.
GK: Oh, THAT’S why I’m here. My boobs!
KN: As per the usual.
LT: Something borrowed.
Torrie: What’s that now?
LT: And something blue.
Drunky Smurf: And your momma’s horse too. BLAAAARG!
KN: I guess it’s time for a Rebel Yell, huh?
LT: What?
KN: I totally just ruined that moment.
LT: Pretty much.
SA: Did somebody say “What?”
KN: No.
SA: What?
KN: Go stab yourself.
SA: That hurts, man.

(ads)

Hehehehe…what the hell kind of name is Loudy Tourky? Sounds like a gimmick for Hector Guererro. “It’s Loudy Turkey, J.R.!”

Chris Jericho v. Edge
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Chris Jericho and Edge come out to the ring.

(ads)

Whew. I need to wipe the sweat off my brow from that exciting segment. Wooo, man. Edge is working the OMG CHINLOCK~! and looking like a World Title contender. Edge gets the win over Jericho when he puts his feet on the ropes…oh, never mind, WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan reversed his decision. There’s more controversy here than in Men’s Gymnastics. There ain’t no controversy in the WWE XOlympics, folks. No, no. Any medal arguments are settled by chasing a greased pig with a gold medal tied to its tail. Winner is the one who can catch it.

Wait…that would actually make the REAL Olympics AWESOME!!

(ads)

What does this match need? More ads. Of course it also needs more Kane, but I think we’ll get some later. I really hope I get some later. The bell rings. Apparently, Edge was disqualified for putting too much Strawberry scented conditioner in his hair. Yeah, I’ve always kind of hoped that’d be added as a rule. I think the guy wrestlers are better off looking ragged and drunk. Kind of like Eugene. I’m a bit disturbed by the trend of metrosexual wrestlers coming up through the development programs. I can just see Cornette sitting behind his desk as he cackles, “More frosted ends, MORE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The crowd is confused, so Jericho crotches himself for our amusement. Teehee. You know what? I just thought of the greased pig running around the ring wearing the I.C. title while Jericho and Edge chase him around, and if the WWE doesn’t put that on the Taboo Tuesday PPV, I’m suing.

(ads)

Loudy Turkey…hahaha…Who comes up with this crap? Oh…wait….

Hey! Here’s Evolution! Luckily, Ric is no longer completely naked. Dave stops to pose, but Hunter isn’t having any of it. It’s ALL BUSINESS TONIGHT, FOLKS!

HHH: Ok, dammit, now this is really pissing me off, Randy Orton, because, Randy Orton, you have to see that in this world, Randy Orton, there are two kinds of people, people who steal cardigans and people who DON’T, and take just one guess and which people you are, Randy Orton, just take one guess, and while you’re taking things, Randy Orton, something that Randy Orton is very good at Randy Orton, why don’t you take a look at Evolution Randy Orton, 16 times World’s Oldest Man, Ric By God Flair, Randy Orton, The Master of the Osprey Bomb and the Toe Point, “Dave” Batista “Davidson,” Randy Orton, the world’s most perfect and precious kitten Nibblins, Randy Orton, and me, THE GAME and the World’s Best Wrestler, Randy Orton. But Randy Orton, you turned all of this down to follow your dream, and do something, Randy Orton, that your forefathers could not, and that’s win the World Title. But, Randy Orton, you want to talk about destiny, well, Rand…I mean Naitcha Boy, tell Randy Orton what we think of destiny?
RF: In my experience there’s no such thing as destiny. Woo!
HHH: That’s right, Randy Orton. So why don’t you, and by you I’m referring to Randy Orton, Randy Orton, why don’t you come out and give me the World Title like was supposed to happen, Randy Orton?

Here comes Randy Orton to Evolution’s music. Damn, the man needs some music. How many World Champions since the Hulkamania-era haven’t had their own theme music? And how many of THEM used the theme of the guys they were feuding with?

And while I’m at it, I think I figured out why HHH kept saying Randy’s name. It’s not the same reason that Brock used to do it. I think Brock was just having trouble remembering who he was talking to. I think Randy must have ADD. That’s why his promos are always so screwy too. I could just see him watching this backstage.

RO: Hey! A monitor!
HHH: Randy Orton, you have to see that in this world….
RO: Hey! He’s talking to me! I wonder if football is on….
HHH: Randy Orton, there are two kinds of people, people who steal cardigans and people who DON’T, and take just one guess and which people you are….
RO: What? Oh…it’s my buddy, Hunter! Who’s got nachos?

HHH is just trying to hold his attention. Randy comes out and starts to give Hunter the title when he suddenly just spits nacho cheese all over Hunter’s face. Oh no he didn’t!
Dave and Ric pretend to console Hunter, but secretly swipe cheese off of him and put them on the crackers they have stashed in their pockets.

(ads)

Victoria is backstage with Eric Bischoff….

VT: How could you make Lita marry Kane like this?
EB: Hey, aren’t YOU Lita?
VT: No! I’m Victoria!
EB: Huh.
HHH: Out of the way little miss Voice of Reason, I want to ask for a match against Randy Orton. NOBODY spits Nacho Cheese at me and gets away with it!!
EB: Ok, ok. You can have your match…AT FUNFORGIVEN!
HHH: Yes! He will feel the wrath of my PEDIGREE TO ORTON! Huntermania will be running wild, brother!
EB: Huh. I’ll tell you what, I’m just going to go hide behind these crates and play Gameboy. I’m sick of being bothered by everybody’s problems. “I want a new mop!” “Kane can’t marry Lita!” “I want a World Title Match!” “I can’t do a run in, I have no tendons!” Christ, do you people ever listen to yourselves? What a bunch of whiners.

Here’s William Regal and Eugene. He’s alive! And He’s Undead! They’re an odd couple, they are. I’ma go get some olives, I’ll be right back.

(ads)

Ric Flair (w/ “Dave” Batista “Davidson”) v. William Regal (w/ Eugene)

They’ve been playing Eugene’s theme this whole time? Oh my god. I’m SO sorry, Cow Palace. Hehehehe…Cow Palace. Flair falls over. Somewhere, HHH is throwing a hissy fit.

(ads)

We can’t get through one match tonight can we? Or two matches as the case may be. Eugene looks wasted. I think he’s realized that he’s part of the problem and not the solution now. Maybe Meltzer and Keller can have an intervention for him. Chris Benoit runs out and stands in the middle of the ring. He tears up because nobody notices him. Poor Benoit. From World Champion to standin’ around in no time flat. Are Regal and Flair the ones wrestling? Damn. This would have been a neat match seven years ago in WCW. Both Flair and Regal put on brass knuckles, but what Flair doesn’t know is that I’ve replaced his regular brass knuckles with a rubber band covered in aluminum foil painted gold. Regal gets the win. Somebody needs to buy him some new ring gear. I’m looking at YOU loyal RAW Satire reader. Wait…that’s me. Aw…dammmit!

(ads)

Over on Smackdown: JBL is still the champion. Also: Hnnrnnr…never showed up. Poor, Paul Heyman.

DIVA SEARCH 2004!! Vote for your favorite or else they’ll cry.

Lita is in her dressing room throwing things at her mirror. Still can’t break it. Hahahaha…Seven years good marriage! Kane…HOLY CRAP! Kane is big pimpin’. Damn! That’s Crazy Go Nuts, man!

(ads)

I guess Paul Bearer couldn’t attend? He should have eaten his way out of the oatmeal by now. Undertaker also couldn’t attend, but he at least sent a stand-in in the form of Lil’ Undertaker. Also in attendance, Lil’ Stephanie McMahon, because it’s not a WWE Wedding without Stephanie McMahon. Or Lil’ Stephanie McMahon, as the case maybe. The wedding band is AWESOME, only able to play “Hungry Like a Wolf” for every section of the ceremony. I think they should have just waited a few months until the baby was born and could crawl. They could name him Ring. You’ll get that one eventually. Kane Chokeslams the Minister to start, because he thought it was Pete Rose. Sorry. They should have hired Sinister Minister for this one. I’m just sayin’. Lita comes out in a black dress. Kane is pissed off because Lita clashes with the set-up. Damn straight. I know you don’t want to marry this dude, but don’t be such a dick. Eric Bischoff stalls for time by reading Hallmark cards. “So you’re Knocked-Up and Getting Married. You deserve him, bitch.” *sniff* I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Here’s a very special Video Tribute to these crazy kids. Look at them hug! Look at Kane gnaw on Lita’s ankle. Awww…Look at how much they’re in love. ASS BABY!

The time has come for Kane to read his vows.

KN: Lita, you have no idea what this angle has meant to me. Do you realize that I haven’t had a long lasting angle forever? I mean…man…So what if it sucks? This has been the best thing that has happened to my career since the time I hung ornaments from my eye holes. Now I know, that at least I’ll get to bang you one more time. And, dude, since you didn’t sign a pre-nup, I get like half your merchandising dollars, which as Matt Hardy will tell you are, like, $ 800 billion a month. Finally, I’d like to thank you for not leaving me to go off with X-Pac.

The minister looks a bit taken aback with that. I know…Chyna and Tori, right? But Kane and Pac can’t exactly be choosers, can they? It’s Lita’s turn. The words roll right off her cleavage.

LT: Dearest Kane, I honestly don’t know how in the hell I got mixed up in all of this. But I do want to thank you for this awesome wedding banquet. I’ve been eating friggin’ pickles back there for, like, 20 hours. And while I hope you are killed, and that there will be less Kane on RAW, I’ve got to say, this hasn’t been all bad. I would like to say that I don’t really love you. My true love is and always will be Beetle Bailey, but since I’ve been informed recently that all my letters have been burned up by its creators, and that the loveable, fun, and sensitive Beetle isn’t actually real…well…I guess you’re good enough. Besides, I understand that that hunk Alexander of Daventry was taken.
KN: I ate my Kings Quest Six Disks.
LT: I know you did, dear. So, my loving big lug, I say…Let’s get bizzay!
Minister: Great. I didn’t understand a word of that, but great. So, now comes the run-ins.

Hey! It’s Trish Stratus! And she’s half naked. Man…this is EXACTLY how my sister’s wedding went.

TS: Hey! I thought you might like somebody almost as slutty as you out here to make you look better!
LT: Thanks. That…sure does make you look slutty.
TS: Who better than me, right?
KY: Me?
LT: You got fired.
KY: I know. Popcorn? Get your popcorn, here!
KN: Oo! I’ll take a couple! I’m eating for two now!
TS: Well, that’s all I’ve got. Enjoy your ass baby.

Lita and Trish have a fight over whose makeup is more awful. Well…Lita’s is more slutty, but that’s not necessarily so bad. Trish just looks awful. I guess you can’t have a wedding without a catfight. This is like an awful car crash between a redneck and goth wedding. The lights go off. BONG…Oh no! Oh…wait…never mind. Lil’ Undertaker was just nodding off and he accidently let his powers go off. I hate it when I do that.

Min: Lita, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in up times and downtimes, zombie sit-ups and no zombie sit-ups, until Al Wilson-like death do you part?
LT: I suppose so.
Min: And Kane do you….

Hey! Here’s Matt Hardy, sort of limping past Lil’ Stephanie McMahon, and attacking Kane. He nails the Twist of Fate and runs off with Lita. Lita is thrilled because secretly I think all women want their weddings to be absolute chaos so that they have something to needle their husbands with for the rest of eternity. Pyro explodes on the entrance ramp. NOW WHAT?!

BT: Yo, yo, yo! It’s the Booker man, y’all. Where’s the buffet? I’m hungry!
MH: Can’t this wait?! We’re trying to make a getaway to the reception!
LT: Matt, quick! Grab the minister and say I do! It’ll work! This is wrestling!
BT: Aw dammit! You mean I have to wait fifteen minutes to get those crappy little mints? Screw that. The Booker Man wants food and he wants it NOW! Now can you dig that…SUUUUUUCCKKKKAAAAAAA?!
KY: Popcorn?
BT: KANYON?!
KY: Actually, it’s just “Chris” now. Bastards wouldn’t let me put “Kanyon” on my name tag.

Kane ends this nonsense by chokeslamming Matt through the arena floor. Why there was no wedding cake involved here, I’ll never know. Kane grabs the minister.

KN: Now let’s finish this!!
Min: But…but…I can’t! You see…I’ve just learned that Miss Lita, if that is her real name….
LT: It’s not.
Min: Is already married.
KN: WHAT?!
LT: What?!
Crowd: What?
SA: What?
Min: The marriage license has already been signed. By both Miss “Lita” and…Shawn Michaels….
HHH: I tried to warn you.
KN: Oh, damn.
Crowd: What?
SA: Wha….
Crowd: Go stab your manager.

But where is Shawn? Kane grabs Lita and takes off up the entrance ramp. To tell the truth, Lita doesn’t seem to mind.

Next Week: Kane is introduced to the idea of a Triple Threat Marriage. Randy Orton continues to stumble along his road to Funforgiven as he gets confused and comes out for an Evolution interview. Steve Austin stabs Eric Bischoff, just for kicks.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Fourteen: ”At least she didn’t have hooves….”

HBK: Man…I’m so hungover right now…where the hell am I?
LS: You’re at RAW in Anaheim. Right now you’re in the secluded “Diva Search Den” where they stockpile us until next week’s awful segment.
HBK: Have you guys seen Scott Hall? I was partying with him and…man…what the hell happened then?
Drunky Smurf: You can hang with the besht of them Shawny McHeartbre-AAAHRGH…
RVD: Woah. You totally got married and you don’t even remember?
HBK: Married?! To who?
TD: Lita. Don’t worry about it dude. Married life is sweet! Sometimes Beulah ties me up and punches me in the face until my eyes bleed. HARDCORE!!
RVD: Just don’t let her near any water, dude. Trust me, it’s bad news.
LS: Aren’t you ALREADY married? To whatsherface?
TD: Boobsie McPeaks?
HBK: OH SNAP! Whyspyr!!! How the hell am I going to explain this to her? Oh crap oh crap oh crap! I just had another kid didn’t I? I can’t support Lita and her unborn hellspawn too! That was the worst weekend bender EVER!
TD: Well, at least you still have the HBK Wrestling School to fall back on.
HBK: Nah, man. I shut that down so that I could spend more time with my famil…CRAP!!
LS: I’ve got to admit, this is at least a little funny. Hehehehe…they should make a sitcom.
Drunky: LET DRUNKY OUT OF HERE! I DON’T BELONG IN DETOX! BLLLLEAAAARGGH!
TD: Wow. That was twice your normal bodyweight. HARDCORE!
JM: I don’t want to be a Diva! Let me out of here!! Pleeeeaaaase?!
RVD: Duuuuuude…these girls from Maxim’s Hot 100 are hot.
LS: What? We don’t even have a TV set in here. What are you talking about?
RVD: I’m getting TV, like, beamed to my MIND, man.
HBK: What have I done?
RVD: Lita? Yeah! All Right!!
TR: Woah! Hey, Daddy! The Rock would just like to thank you divas for eating all that pie! Yeah! The Rock was going to throw that crap out because it expired, like, 4 months ago! Keep on trying to find that gopher you crazy kids!
LS: Bleeeeearrrrg!
JM: BLEEAAAARGH!
MT: HAHA! Who is the smart one now?!
Drunky: BLEEEEEAAAARRRG!
TD: Why’d you throw up, Drunky? You never had any pie.
Drunky: You don’t own me!
LS: And why didn’t any of the girls throw up? I mean other than Carmella?
SG: Bul-imia.
RVD: Yeah! All Right!!
LS: No! That’s terrible!
RVD: No. That’s Terrible.
HBK: My life is ruined!
LS: I think the moral of this story is don’t go drinking with Scott Hall, because you never know WHO you’ll end up marrying.
TD: At least she didn’t have hooves.

In a corner….

MT: Yes…it IS ruined. But not for the reasons you think. For polygamy is illegal, and where there is lawlessness, there will ALWAYS be Mountina, for Mountina ALWAYS gets her man.
PO: I gotta say, Jacques, you’re looking pretty hot.
MT: Is that eyepatch on over the other eye this week?
PO: Uh…no…no it’s not. How dare you?! I challenge you to a duel.
MT: No, I’m just saying…I thought it was over the other eye….
PO: Well it wasn’t.
MT: Ok. Ok.
PO: No need to go around accusing people about lying about their physical deformities. That could hurt I guy’s feelings.
MT: Ok! I was just saying is all. GEEZ!
FF: Where’s the wedding? Oh man, I’m late! The Pope is gonna be pissed!
MT: Friar Ferguson?
FF: What a lovely young ass you’ve got. Which way to the wedding?
MT: That ended, like, an hour ago, dude.
PO: Total schmoz of run ins. But Lil’ Stephanie McMahon caught the bouquet. Maybe she can marry Nova.
FF: Well, I suppose I can sit down for one quick little drink then.

Friar Ferguson sits on top of Mountina.

HBK: Drinking is bad, dude.
FF: But even the Lord drank, brother.
HBK: Where was Jesus when I was getting married to LITA?! WHERE WAS MY WINGMAN THEN!?!?!
JC: Yeah. Sorry about that…my bad. Kevin Nash was showing me how to play Monster Truck Madness on the Nintendo 64.

To be continued….
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kazhayashi81
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#2 Posted on 24.8.04 0906.12
Reposted on: 24.8.11 0907.08
Possibly one of your best in a long time, Matt... Flair's "Look at me! I'm naked!" is probably the single funniest line ever.

Great, great job.
JoshMann
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#3 Posted on 24.8.04 0946.41
Reposted on: 24.8.11 0948.51
See, I KNEW there was a legitamate reason for the wall of fire besides "Kane shows off his dark, evil powers".


bigredmachine29
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#4 Posted on 24.8.04 1056.11
Reposted on: 24.8.11 1056.34
Possibly the most laughs I've ever gotten out of a Satire ever. From "Look at me, I'm naked", to cheese and crackers, to the sequence of "What?".
TheCheat
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#5 Posted on 24.8.04 1222.22
Reposted on: 24.8.11 1225.11
Definately one of the funniest Satires in a long while ... and they're always chuckilicious, so that's saying a lot. The HBK-marries-Lita twist had me laughing my ass off, and I liked the "That's so Maven" gag. Always good to see Kanyon make a cameo, too. You rule, Hocking.
Big Bad
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#6 Posted on 24.8.04 1717.42
Reposted on: 24.8.11 1720.38

    EB: Huh. I’ll tell you what, I’m just going to go hide behind these crates and play Gameboy. I’m sick of being bothered by everybody’s problems. “I want a new mop!”


I didn't know Saturn was on RAW. Can he be in the Diva Search please?

Great satire, Matt.
Net Hack Slasher
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#7 Posted on 26.8.04 1223.38
Reposted on: 26.8.11 1224.05
What does this match need? More ads.

That certainly fits the motto of this past weeks Raw.

The HHH in ring interview really had me chuckling, but who was he cutting his promo on again . Also liked Booker T entrance was the one that blocked Matt & Lita to leave. The What sequence during the swerve with HBK & Lita was funny as well... But the best and smartest thing you wrote was Kane getting half of Lita's Team Xtreme merchandise fortune. Talk about salt in the wound, right after Matt advertises (until his article got pulled) A NEW Matt & Lita action figure pack! lol at Kane getting a third of the profits
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