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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - you superdrunk WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 5/20/2004! Register and log in to post!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
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#1 Posted on 20.5.04 2102.53
Reposted on: 20.5.11 2103.09
Hey! I'm moved in and I'm bustin loose with the shitty AOL dail-up still until tomorrow when the DSL kicks in. Chesterfield county has the greatest Kroger ever with the Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous for $4.59 A TWELVE. I also got a six of Molson Canadian. I figured that sooner of later Smackdown will start sucking as much dick as it's always hyped to suck so I got back-up ready.

WHAT WORKED-

- Eddy's lowrider was balls out. Eddy starts shit with Bradshaw's hat. Ewwww lookit the blood on the brim. Eddy puts Bradshaw's hat into his butt and that makes Eddy want the ladies. Then he remembers that he has to beat the shit out of Bradshaw tonight. Eddy says "ass" TWICE! It must be ON! Bradshaw comes out and turns down a title shot. That's fucking retarded. Bradshaw is a pussy and doesn't tell him in Mexican. Eddy says "ass" a third time signifying a blood feud. Angle comes out and it grinds to a halt. I'm going to go change into my green sweatpants. Sing stripping music in your head and think about my sweet sweet hinder squeezing past the draw string. Yeeeeaaaaaaaah! SIX MAN TAG! Sure, I'll watch.

- Oh cool. The Eddy Guerrerro Prime time special.

- Charlie hasn't given to Rico's influence. The FBI show up and ya talk about Jabronie Squash. Rico will make it amusing. Stromboli throws amusing punches but luckily I mark for Haas's cool ass armdrags. Tazz talks about how his giant penis looks like Nunzio's arm in Rico's armlock. We have BUTTSMACKIN! and you're STOKED. Rico bumps like a FREAK and Nunzio flies into homophobic rage. The bull with a perfectly fine spinebuster and we have a preposterous hot tag. nunzio comes clean with his feeelings and kisses Rico but Haas is having enough issues wihtout this weird new factor factored in so he opts to do a fabulous EVEREST German Suplex and what could have been a shitty squash match becomes a slightly less shitty squash match.

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

Billy Ray writhes in the mud as blood spews out hhis temples. Baron's tendons in his hands are steel cables and he finally fights his hand back enough to guarantee that his victim will not die. Baron has some odd uncontrollable realizations "Vait. Reagan vasn't so bad. Carter vas zuch a pussy zat ve needed somevun like Reagan." Baron releases the Claw and falls back confused.

Billy Ray is confused as he rolls away from Baron. He is quickly lost in his own new thoughts. "Susan? Who the fuck is Susan? And why do I want to fuck her so damn bad?"

Both shake their heads and catch each others eye and decide to go back to beating the shit out of each other.

- CHAVO CLASSIC! is the fucking KING at setting up the three way. The Wang and his life support system walk the halls- poking things. Getting large. Shrivelling up. Comparing cockrings. Talking to his two little pals. The life of the Wang is a footloose and fancyfree existence and we all revel in the Wang's youthful freedom. Yes. We are ALIVE through the Wang.

- Rene is not beloved in Las Vegas. Tazz is COMPLETELY SPRUNG- turning against the US of A and going for the man with the Wang in his pants. i like to make jokes about the Wang but it is SOOOO cutting off half the ring like the Anderson Brothers. Maybe some duct tape is in order. Renee IS a truly shitty wrestler so maybe that's why his dick is so prominent in these matches. Tazz falls in with the French and his homosexual idolization is all things Wang is heartwarming. And we go to a commercial. Join me as we think about CRZ by a roaring river- his naked hair flying through the stream, the Pert bubbling as it rinses out- heartbroken anbd cursing the water because it can no longer touch the beloved hair of CRZ.... Cena goes straight into the pole as we return. Cena throws very ungood punches. Dupree does the shittiest Fujiwara armbar ever. Dupree is so the new Lex Luger- wrestlewise. Psychology of the match is smart- as Cena can sell really well and a simple match of Dupree working over the arm is perfectly acceptable wrestling. Cena sells the arm while Renee bumps all over the ring for Cena comeback. This match is becoming actually good. Renee takes a big backbump on the floor and on the stairs. It alls sucks as Cena is kicked in the balls and can't answer the ten count? What the fuck? Postmatch, Dupree does his little dance after a high-lariously shitty Michinoku Driver.

- Tazz drops Tatsumi Fujinami's name and I wonder why he didn't mention Mondo. chavo and CHAVO CLASSIC beat the shit out of Spyke early. CHAVOs are so the Villanos double teaming and YOU love it. CHAVO CLASSIC on offense is soooo fucking great. Fuck, Fit Finlay and CHAVO CLASSIC wold be the greatest tagteam EVER. CHAVOS Villano the plancha and the double headscissors and they are Rudoing like Angel Mortal and Murabunta. CHAVO CLASSIC WINS! CHAVO CLASSIC WINS! CHAVO CLASSIC WINS! FUCKING AWWWWESOME! AWESOME! AAAAAAAAAAAWESOME! I am soooo fucking stoked. I thought Smackdown was supposed to suck?

- Booker T goes to the ring after Funaki pulled his punk card during the interview. Funaki is killed slowly and I await the match the CHAMPION CHAVO CLASSIC! Funaki bleeds for some reason. Longish squash works this week for no real reason. My guess is my own personal drunkeness. Ah you magic Schlitz.

- Dudleys and Bradshaw versus Misterio, RVD and... hey, here comes Angle. I shall get another beer. Another week, another stupid booking decision to keep Eddy from wrestling on my TV. Bradshaw whomps on Misterio and then Bradshaw is perfectly fine rudoing the offense of Misterio. D-Von busts up RVD. I'm so not hating RVD for some reason. I blame my own drunkenness. Cole sucks using the word "damn" and he fills me with laufter as he is full of disgust. Bradshaw hits a NICE AWA Elbowdrop. Misterio tags in and he and Bradshaw have a WEIRDLY GOOD section. What the fuck? Should Rey Rey and Bradshaw have a fued? They are magic together. We go to a commercial and try to have a less creepy fantasy about CRZ's pretty hair. AND ANOTHER FUCKING TROJAN COMMERCIAL. SEE BELOW. Coming back, we miss the whole transition to the heels on offense. Misterio is beaten to death. Rey Rey is in the Abdominal Stretch and EDDY COMES OUT! It is soooo awesome because the crowd is super white hot for the tag. Bubba Ray with the first cut off. Eddy with the hot tag and the shitty SHOOT ANGLE finish. Booooooooooooooooooooooooo. Rey Rey is GOD.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Funaki replaces Josh and WE- you and I- ARE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PISSED! Funaki has no odd chemistry with anyone. THE GIANT DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK FUNAKI. FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK THIS! FUCK. THIS. FUCK. THIS. SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

- Billy Kidman. Akio. We await the Undertaker. Oh, okay. It's Mordecai. Let me go get another beer. Think of some Al Jarreau light jazz and think of me whimsically periouet through the kitchen and open up a Molson Canadian. I roll it across my brow and smile at you. I pop the cap and pour some between my rock hard pecs. Ah, it's over. Cole and Tazz trying to cover for the immense shittiness of Morticai is far better than any actual Kidman match so I can't get too upset. I mean it really sucked dick. Don't get me wrong.

- Fucking Trojan condoms. SEE. SEE. SEE. You guys aren't old! Take it from me, you punk ass youngsters- USE SHEIK ELITES. It's hard enough to use protection. To RUIN your life because you USED PROTECTION and it BREAKS is the shittiest way to ruin your life. You don't even get the JOY of riding bareback (you are now fantisizing about riding your rotund recapper bareback and there is no way I can get you back on topic) and STILL fucked your life up. Shiek's never made me ever have a week of worrying. Trojan's did ONCE. Luckily, nothing happened but FUCK IT- I've conceived children since then so my semen work like a motherfucker if you unleash it. I'm just telling you: Sheik Elites don't break. That's all I'm telling you. Listen to me- I'm old and drunk and kicked more motherfuckers redneck asses than you could ever imagine. Fuck yeah.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

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Joe E. Nitro
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#2 Posted on 20.5.04 2113.44
Reposted on: 20.5.11 2113.54
Chavo Sr. should have cheated to win on Chavo Jr. Jr. could have never seen it coming. Sr has forgotten more moves than Jr knows. Sr must know more cheats than the whole heel locker room combined. Sr. could have cheated to win and then played it off as an accident leaving Jr to wonder whether or not he had just been out foxed.




redsoxnation
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#3 Posted on 20.5.04 2143.17
Reposted on: 20.5.11 2145.11
Is Mordecai really the 'Dirty White Boy' Tony Anthony after he takes a bath?
Kidman gets on the main show. Guess he must have left the wife in Vince's hotel room for the weekend as barter.
Booker T might be the stupidest man in wrestling. Promised a match against anyone he wants, does he go for the weakened World or U.S. Champs? No. He goes after Funaki.
It probably would have been better if Chavo Classic wrestled as a Thunderfoot and stole the belt, but, still better than Jackie as champ.
Another week, another Dudley main event match.
TheGreekPhysique
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#4 Posted on 20.5.04 2230.25
Reposted on: 20.5.11 2230.37
I watched a little of this with my dad (76 years old, immigrant), and he digs the wrestling.

Kidman and Yang come out, and then the Mordecai music hits and my dad is like, whats this shit? He says he'd like to see Kidman and Yang wrestle, not this bullshit Mordecai druidic "Beastmaster" crappolla... and I agree. That shit was just weak.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#5 Posted on 20.5.04 2311.18
Reposted on: 20.5.11 2312.53
Weak indeed.

And the Dudleys are so the Freedom Dogs 04. Not that they've had any shitty Main Event matches that I'v seen.
TakeaBump
Chaurice
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#6 Posted on 20.5.04 2321.03
Reposted on: 20.5.11 2321.17
Well done report...maybe you should replace Keith on 411.

The show was looking up this week...but now what are they going to do with Classic? I think a good plan would be for him to have a match next week with Chavo but before the end of it Matt Cappotelli could run in a demolish both Chavos dead. Then Classic could put the title up in a three way at a later Smackdown or at the PPV. I can't believe it - I've barely seen Cappotellis work and I'm already writing shit.

That Eddie special should be good next week. I think Smackdown is slowing getting back to the show it once was. Big Slow is on his way to getting back in old form and really I think the WWE is just resting it's engines as we head into the long hot summer and it's only going to get more interesting as it always, ALWAYS, does.

PEACE
Freeway
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#7 Posted on 20.5.04 2331.41
Reposted on: 20.5.11 2335.59
When Drunk Dean is funnier than Smackdown, it's a good day.
Ultimate Hero Danzaiver!!
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#8 Posted on 21.5.04 0300.22
Reposted on: 21.5.11 0302.00
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    The Wang and his life support system walk the halls- poking things. Getting large. Shrivelling up. Comparing cockrings. Talking to his two little pals. The life of the Wang is a footloose and fancyfree existence and we all revel in the Wang's youthful freedom. Yes. We are ALIVE through the Wang.


You gotta let me put this in my sig man!
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#9 Posted on 21.5.04 0743.31
Reposted on: 21.5.11 0745.22
    Originally posted by Ultimate Hero Danzaiver!!
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      The Wang and his life support system walk the halls- poking things. Getting large. Shrivelling up. Comparing cockrings. Talking to his two little pals. The life of the Wang is a footloose and fancyfree existence and we all revel in the Wang's youthful freedom. Yes. We are ALIVE through the Wang.


    You gotta let me put this in my sig man!


Commentary about the Wang doesn't belong to me, it belongs to the COSMOS.
JoshMann
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Y!:
#10 Posted on 21.5.04 0828.57
Reposted on: 21.5.11 0829.02
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      Originally posted by Ultimate Hero Danzaiver!!
        Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
        The Wang and his life support system walk the halls- poking things. Getting large. Shrivelling up. Comparing cockrings. Talking to his two little pals. The life of the Wang is a footloose and fancyfree existence and we all revel in the Wang's youthful freedom. Yes. We are ALIVE through the Wang.


      You gotta let me put this in my sig man!


    Commentary about the Wang doesn't belong to me, it belongs to the COSMOS.


It's like the old songwriters' axiom that once a song is released it no longer belongs to the writer, it belongs to the audience.

Thus, not only does it beleong to the cosmos, but the wang belongs to EACH and EVERY one of us as well.
JayJayDean
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#11 Posted on 21.5.04 0931.20
Reposted on: 21.5.11 0933.29
    Originally posted by DEAN
    i like to make jokes about the Wang but it is SOOOO cutting off half the ring like the Anderson Brothers.


I think this calls for a Ricky Morton circa 1985 extended heat segment.

(Extended...he he.)
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#12 Posted on 21.5.04 0936.55
Reposted on: 21.5.11 0937.16
So much Wang... I blame CRZ.
JoshMann
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#13 Posted on 21.5.04 1008.33
Reposted on: 21.5.11 1014.59
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    So much Wang... I blame CRZ.


Look on the bright side: if he's ever told he needs to put on another 10-15 pounds of muscle to move up the card, the wang problem will be solved.
Evil Buddha
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#14 Posted on 21.5.04 1147.36
Reposted on: 21.5.11 1148.29
Oh, I think he's already got that extra 10-15 lbs. right down there, youbetcha...
GRL
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#15 Posted on 21.5.04 1235.35
Reposted on: 21.5.11 1240.46
Am I the only one who is actually disappointed that Sable is never on Smackdown anymore, for the simple reason that Dean's assessment of Sable's... load-worthiness was the funniest part of the Workrate Reports for me?
asteroidboy
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#16 Posted on 21.5.04 1236.50
Reposted on: 21.5.11 1241.45
    Originally posted by Freeway420
    When Drunk Dean is funnier than Smackdown, it's a good day.


Drunk (or buzzed) Dean has out-entertained Smackdown for at LEAST a year, now...
OMEGA
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#17 Posted on 21.5.04 1314.19
Reposted on: 21.5.11 1315.40
    Originally posted by asteroidboy
      Originally posted by Freeway420
      When Drunk Dean is funnier than Smackdown, it's a good day.


    Drunk (or buzzed) Dean has out-entertained Smackdown for at LEAST a year, now...


My god, has it been that long? It seems like just yesterday the SmackDown six were rocking the house every week.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#18 Posted on 21.5.04 1336.33
Reposted on: 21.5.11 1336.46
It's actually been over TWO years. You people are a glutton for punishment.

http://www.deathvalleydriver.com/ Workrate/SmackDown/SmackDownmain.html
redsoxnation
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#19 Posted on 21.5.04 1420.50
Reposted on: 21.5.11 1421.38
    Originally posted by asteroidboy
      Originally posted by Freeway420
      When Drunk Dean is funnier than Smackdown, it's a good day.


    Drunk (or buzzed) Dean has out-entertained Smackdown for at LEAST a year, now...





Drunk or buzzed DEAN should outpace any programming. I think Drunk DEAN would do well on the WB Network. Or, if it really had to go slumming for a home, ABC. However, its a concern when SOBER DEAN outperforms the show.
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