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The 7 - Guest Columns - WWE VELOCITY WORKRATE REPORT – April 24, 2004
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PhilRippa
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#1 Posted on 28.4.04 2016.07
Reposted on: 28.4.11 2016.12
WWE VELOCITY WORKRATE REPORT – April 24, 2004
If these syndie shows would ever run a Gambler vs. Scott Armstrong match, I would be writing them up a lot quicker. Still, these shows come as close to resembling the wrestling shows that we used to love so I will plug along. Boy, there were a lot of matches tonight.

WHAT WORKED
Hey, a 7 pm start time might mean that I actually watch this show live. 10 pm was deep into Philip’s sleep time. Poor little lack of life. So very old.

Orlando Jordan was all about trying to carry Mark Jindrak to the best match of his worthless career (Jindrak’s not Jordan’s). OJ sold all of the shit-tastic Jindrak offense, threw some good looking strikes, leaned into the dropkick and even setup Jindrak for all his kip-up spots. Fuck, he made whatever the shit Jindrak is passing as a finisher look good. It’s not his fault that Jindrak almost crippled himself by over-rotating on a backflip. Orlando Jordan, I apologize.

Jamie Noble vs. Spike Dudley was fun besides Spike’s beyond creepy look (see below). It wasn’t great or anything – especially when you have Noble selling the “strength” of Dudleycito. The double foot stomp allows me to ignore Spike’s horrific punches. Noble, as per usual, was fucking great. When you saw the dickish kicks to the back while holding the hair you were thinking “FUCK YA! KICK HIS FUCKING ASS! SPIT SOME CHAW ON HIM! SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!!!!” Umm… anyway. Noble working over Spike’s next was great on a million levels that almost no one understand… especially Raggedy Anne and Andy calling the match. The match got a lot of time, they continued to add a bunch of different layers into the match, all the way up to Spike going for the foot stomp off the top rope. Who knows what the fuck they are doing with Noble but this was good for this week. Shit, stick him under the Kato mask and let him start teaming with Jimmy Yang ago. I would watch Yung Dragons vs. Rico/Haas for the tag titles.

Christ, this is a weird show. They actually had walking bumpers to set up the main event. Are you telling me they couldn’t have worked in a phone call from Lee Marshall?

No seriously, what was going on with this week’s episode of Velocity? Bashams vs. Holly/Gunn makes it here almost by default as it went like 30 minutes. It turned out to be the best possible Jurassic Powers vs. Batten Twins match (at least going by the way a Jurassic Powers vs. Batten Twins match would go in my head). It wasn’t looking good at first with Gunn performing a poor ass drop toehold followed by an equally poor ass armdrag. It was as if someone was trying to perform a combo in Tekken for the first time. Holly worked as the face in peril since the crowd was so inexplicably behind him. I didn’t like how they had to protect Gunn’s finisher but they shit all over Doug Basham’s. Still, as the lead into the final Confidential – this worked.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK
Teddy Long getting some in-ring mic time should work. The idea continues to give the show a real wrestling show feel and Long is someone you want working the crowd, playa. Of course, Long is just out there is shill for Mark Jindrak. Then the cameraman goes all creepy gay porn by focusing on both Jindrak’s package and ass in the mirror. It was like the worst night of Skinamax ever. I am going to see that every time I close my eyes. Jindrak really needs to go back to doing his Chris Dudley gimmick.

Hey, look at all the sexual innuendo in that Diva commercial. Oh boy, I can just feel the semen yearning to explode. Oh yeah, Torrie talk to me about the parrots some more. Yeah, that’s the good stuff… eh, this was a lot funnier in my head when I was thinking about the 15 year olds making their TIVOs beg for mercy because its they can do in a pinch. Fuck, they all have access to the internet – how hard is it to visit latinalibrarianlovers.org?

Johnson & Johnson must be giddy over the amount of baby oil they are able to peddle to the WWE. Seriously, the glistening has gotten out of control when Spike Dudley is coming out with a fresh coat.

Over the last few months as I have started watching Velocity, Funaki has been one of my favorite workers on this show. So of course, the brain trust is going to make him a manager. Meanwhile, his match with Nunzio is based around the application of the worst nerve hold in the history of guys in tights. Little Guido can bump his way into Dean’s heart but not mine.

- Phil
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Spaceman Spiff
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#2 Posted on 29.4.04 1211.42
Reposted on: 29.4.11 1211.43
I'm feeling the Jamie Knoble love, but your inexplicable love of white-bread Orlando Jordan frightens & confuses me.
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