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The 7 - Guest Columns - WCW Clash Of The Champions XXXIV
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#1 Posted on 12.4.04 0614.00
Reposted on: 12.4.11 0614.11
Random tape day!

Our lucky pick falls on the WCW side – and I’ve got a picture perfect copy of Clash Of The Champions XXXIV ready to go.

TONIGHT: Konnan, Juventud Guerrera, and Psychosis lineup against La Parka, Chavo Guerrero Jr., and Super Calo. The Steiner Brothers take on the Amazing French Canadians. In a return match, Dean Malenko gets a Cruiserweight Title shot against the Ultimate Dragon. In our main event, superhuman Lex Luger takes on “Outsider” Scott Hall. Plus in a Falls Count Anywhere match that won’t come anywhere NEAR the quality we saw at GAB 96, Kevin Sullivan does battle with Chris Benoit.

We are LIVE from Milwaukee, Wisconsin on TBS. Our hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, DUSTY RHODES, and BOBBY HEENAN. A big “WEASEL” chant breaks out immediately. Rhodes talks about being excited as a child when a neighbor would run down the street and announce there’s a domestic dispute taking place, and tonight we have one live!!!! Pro-wrestling, high culture.

DEAN MALENKO vs. THE ULTIMATE DRAGON (with Sonny Onoo) (for the WCW cruiserweight title)

This is a rematch from Starrcade 1996, where Dragon got the win and the belt. The crowd chants “USA” and Malenko responds…with a poker face. Dragon with a go-behind, but Malenko counters it into an armwringer. Dragon flips around to turn the tables, but Malenko takes him down. He works a hammerlock on the mat, but Dragon sweeps out his legs. Malenko isn’t deterred, and applies a bodyscissors WHILE Dragon is trying to work Malenko’s ankle. With the psychology potentially being interesting, and too far from the domestic violence we’ve come to expect, we’d better take a commercial break!

The following announcement has been paid for by the new World order:

The guys stand around and make faces while the announcer pimps calling the nWo hotline. 1-900-454-4004. $1.59 a minute. Kids, get your parents permission before calling “or else”. I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that a scam like this actually worked.

Clash Of The Champions is brought to you by Valvoline, and Pep Boys!

We are back, and Malenko’s limping. The announcers note that Dragon’s not wearing his zillions of belts, and that’s because Jushin Liger beat him to take the J-Crown. The Cruiserweight Title was not at stake in the match. Malenko hits a vertical suplex, and gets a 2 count. Figure four sleeper hold is applied, but Dragon turns himself over and escapes. He delivers a number of kicks that drop Malenko, and a stiff one connects right in the spine. Malenko takes a powder outside. After finding himself, Malenko hits the ring again with a vengeance – and hits a belly to back suplex that drops Dragon on his neck! Malenko applies a leglock, and when Dragon grabs the ropes, Malenko simply stomps on the weakened leg. Onoo looks on – not worried, while Malenko works a half crab. Dragon rolls through, Malenko holds on, Dragon kicks at Malenko…and makes the ropes! He stands, walking right into a single leg atomic drop. Dragon hits the mat, Malenko’s on him with a strange looking leglock, and when he feels he’s got a shot, lets go and gets 2 off a pin. Dragon tries a fight back, so Malenko calmly tosses him outside, remaining expressionless, to a HUGE pop. I LOVE the fact Dean looks bored while pulling this stuff off. Outside, Malenko places Dragon’s leg on the guardrail and kicks away. Dragon retreats to the ring, with Malenko right behind him. Center of the ring – figure four leglock…but Dragon stops Malenko’s leg from fully applying the pressure! After a few moments, Malenko becomes aware he’s not going to hook it – so he stands, whips Dragon to the corner and hits a running clothesline. A second attempt is reversed by Dragon – and he hits a spin kick! Dragon quickly goes up, but a spin kick isn’t keeping Malenko down, who cuts Dragon off and hits a superplex!!! Bobby: “Hey Dusty, what do you call 40 millionaires watching the Super Bowl? … The Dallas Cowboys!” Dusty: “Would you get out of here???” Malenko comes in with a victory roll, the fans pop, but he only gets 2! Malenko goes for a powerbomb, Dragon rolls through and has him packaged tight, 1, 2, JUST kicked out! Malenko charges Dragon, but gets dumped onto the apron, and dropkicked to the floor. Dragon sets for something – but Malenko sidesteps and Dragon simply heads out rather than attempt anything spotty. Outside, Dragon gets a hold of Malenko and whips him into the guardrail – and NOW with Malenko staggering he can hit the Asai Moonsault!!!! Dragon rolls back in at 9 to break the count, and Malenko follows. Dragon hits a vertical suplex, fires off a top rope moonsault and HOLDS…for 2!! Dragon thought that was it. Dragon sets Malenko up top, and hits a top rope Frankensteiner! THUMB TO THE THROAT!!!! He comes forward, but Malenko trips him up, goes for the Texas Cloverleaf, but it’s countered into a small package! Dragon gets a close 2. Malenko comes back with an attempted powerbomb, but Dragon lands on his feet! Boot to the midsection, double underhook powerbomb, and now we’re in the same spot as Starrcade because Sonny Onoo’s on the apron! Malenko decks him, turns to face Dragon, sweeps Dragon’s leg out this time, and hooks the Texas Cloverleaf!!!!!!! Dragon refuses to tap…but after 15 seconds HAS to give! We have a NEW Cruiserweight Champion, and he’s the first man to win the belt on 3 occassions! (15:04) ****1/4 As usual, Malenko and Dragon fail to disappoint.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and D3: The Mighty Ducks.

MIKE ENOS vs. SCOTTY RIGGS

Something tells me it’s all downhill from here… Figures they’d open with the best match. Riggs delivers a headbutt, takes down Enos, and pounds away. A whip to the corner sends Enos to the outside, where he hits the guardrail and staggers around. Riggs hits a slingshot plancha, and Enos shows all the skill a good jobber should – by throwing punches that miss by 9 feet, and are in the wrong direction. He does manage to reverse a whip, sending Riggs back first into the apron. Enos flies off the apron with a clothesline and RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT REVEALING A CHEST! OH MY! Yikes – Riggs backdrops Enos OUTSIDE the ring, and Enos doesn’t fall gingerly. He’s fine though, they get back in and Enos clotheslines Riggs. Riggs comes back with a flying forearm, and scores the win? (2:29) 1/2* Post-match, Riggs warns “Buffy” that at Souled Out he’ll be facing his heart and soul.

The following announcement has been paid for by the new World order:

Nash: “Tired of wearing the nWo shirt, well we’ve got something to add to your collection – the Souled Out t-shirt!”

Hall: “Cash in on the coolest pay-per-view around.”

Outsiders (whispering and making various noises): “Buy the shirt!”

MEAN GENE mentions they’re in Milwaukee to draw the cheap pop – and introduces CHRIS BENOIT, WOMAN, ARN ANDERSON, DEBRA, and MONGO. Benoit promises that the Horsemen will dominate in 1997, and then starts going on about controlling Sullivan’s fate – stating he can take anything that belongs to Sullivan anytime he wants. The fans chant “WE WANT FLAIR”. Mongo goes for the cheap heat by calling them Limburger Losers. From there, he simply backs Benoit – and promises it will be a Horseman night. Debra decides to ramble for a few moments about being the queen of WCW – and Mongo finishes by squeezing Gene’s cheeks and blowing a kiss. Wow, no lawsuit threat.

KONNAN, MR. JL, and LA PARKA vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR., SUPER CALO, and CHRIS JERICHO (in a trios match)

Wow…this isn’t at all what they advertised at the top of the show. Tony does acknowledge the change, but they don’t explain why some of the competitors have blantantly SWITCHED TEAMS. Whatever. Chavo and Mr. JL start – with Chavo hammering in some punches. A shoulderblock takes down JL, but he comes right back with one of his own. Flying forearm from Chavo is followed by a dropkick and a tag to Calo. Konnan comes in on the other side. Konnan takes him down with a series of armdrags, and Calo responds by…somersaulting a lot. Headscissors by Calo, and tags to Jericho and La Parka are made. Parka takes a shoulderblock, and makes a LOT of screaming noises. He comes back with a powerslam, but Jericho responds with a clothesline. Mule kick from La Parka, but Jericho responds with a boot to the face and missile dropkick, sending Parka out. Since we’re using Mexican rules, Konnan comes in legally and knocks Jericho to the outside. Chavo hits the ring, and delivers a drop kick. He’s got one for JL and La Parka as well. Konnan comes back with a knee to Chavo’s midsection – and with La Parka they hit a double clothesline! Double dropkick sandwich to Chavo, and he’s set on Konnan’s shoulders. La Parka hits his move – the twisting body attack off the top, onto Chavo who’s on Konnan’s shoulders and has a long way to fall! However, they fail to capitalize and Chavo crossbodies both Parka and JL, and Jericho hits the ring. Spinning heel kick to JL is followed by a shoulderblock to Konnan. Konnan rolls out, but Jericho follows with a plancha, knocking Konnan back head first to the guardrail! JL comes off the top with a plancha onto Jericho, and Chavo follows with one onto JL! La Parka loves it, and hits tope con hilo onto everyone! That leaves only Super Calo, who, you guessed it, somersaults over the top, and hits a senton on Konnan! Back in, Jericho and JL are alone – and JL hits a rana, holding on…for 2! Belly to back suplex, and I have to laugh at Chavo chasing Konnan ever so slowly around the ring to the point where Tony suggests they’re just doing laps – because they LOOK like they’re just jogging around. JL heads up, Jericho cuts him off – and hits a super Frankensteiner for the win!!! (5:26) ** Short, spotty, fun!

JOE GOMEZ and THE RENEGADE vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri)

YES! RENEGADE! He’s the Ultimate Competitor! Harlem Heat starts a double team beatdown on Gomez – with Stevie finishing the assault with a big boot. Booker goes back to the apron, spies the camera looking at him, and gives us a “step back sucka”! Stevie hits a powerslam and stomps on Gomez. Booker comes in and hits a Harlem Sidekick! Gomez comes back with a rollup that gets 2, and infuriates Booker – who immediately clotheslines him. Double team suplex gets a series of 2’s for Stevie. Gomez is dumped outside, Booker holds him hostage, and Sherri slaps him. Back in, Stevie drops a leg and tags in Booker. The axe kick is on target – and Booker heads up! Top rope legdrop MISSES, and HERE COMES THE RENEGADE! Using the power of the Renegade People – he delivers a mighty BACKDROP! Stevie comes in and clotheslines our hero…and he doesn’t get up. Hrmph. Politics. Booker T tags in, and hits the Heat Seaker onto Renegade who’s perched on Stevie Ray’s shoulders, and gets the pin. (3:43) *1/4

LEE MARSHALL is on the road, and calls WCW collect. He’s stuck in Des Moines, Iowa where Nitro will be next week. He tries to turn it into a positive by discussing John Wayne, but let’s face it, NOBODY wants to be in Des Moines.

MASAHIRO CHONO vs. ALEX WRIGHT

NICK PATRICK is refereeing this one, so you can guess the finish already. Chono stomps away, but Wright fires back with the Angry German Knuckles! Alex attempts to be cool by ripping the nWo t-shirt off Chono and throw it out of the ring, only it gets caught on the top rope. So he tries again and AGAIN he throws it in a way that sees it stay in the ring. The fans start booing. Har!!!! Wright tries a moonsault, but misses – and goes for a kick instead. It’s blocked, but Wright follows through with an enzuigiri, headscissors takeover, and series of stomps. Chono comes back with a high knee, and shoulderblock. Wright comes back with a spinning heel kick, which gets an insanely slow 2 count. Chono comes back with an atomic drop, but a powerslam is turned into a rollup, for another slow 2 count. Chono dumps Alex over the top rope. Alex comes back to the apron, and pounds away at the back of Chono. Off the top – sunset flip is attempted, but Patrick’s trick shoulder acts up, and can only count 2. Wright flips, and kicks Patrick, before hitting a belly to back suplex. Patrick is ready to call DQ, but he sees Wright miss a crossbody, and lets it continue. Big kick from Chono, 1, 2, 3. (4:30) 1/2* Blech.

Public Enemy pimps a Lex Luger t-shirt – and it even holds up under the Rack!

SCOTT NORTON vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (in a non-title match)

Eddie is without his belt, since of course, Syxx stole it. To really hammer home their annoying point that the nWo controls everything, NICK PATRICK is still refereeing this bloody match. Tony suggests that Guerrero simply beat up Patrick and get it over with. Guerrero tries a headlock, but gets shrugged off. Go-behind, and Norton shoves it away. Norton throws Guerrero to the corner, and chops away. Powerslam! Eddie tries a sunset flip – but Norton goes to punch him away, so Eddie moves, and dropkicks him in the knees! Another dropkick to the knees, and Norton goes down! Guerrero drops an elbow to Norton’s knees, and applies a half leg-lock. Guerrero makes the mistake of letting Norton up, and chops away, but getting nothing out of it. Norton comes back with a massive chop of his own – and down goes Eddie! A dropkick is no-sold, and he runs over Guerrero with a clothesline. One handed vertical suplex – and he just drops Eddie like he’s nothing. Eddie comes off the ropes, and walks right into a big powerslam. Norton talks about nWo style. Powerbomb – that’s his move! Norton doesn’t go for the pin, instead, idiotically goes to the middle rope. Eddie recovers, dropkicks Norton in the midsection, and delivers some uppercuts. A rana connects, but a follow up senton does not. Norton just goes back to the clothesline – and we get a shot of the crowd from which DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is emerging! Norton hits Eddie with a shoulderblock, who in turn accidently bumps Patrick, who falls outside the ring. Page enters and hits the Diamond Cutter!!! Eddie rolls Patrick back in, and hits the Frog Splash on Norton! Patrick looks EVERYWHERE for help and counts slowly. 1…………2………………..and with no other choice, 3!!! (5:35) **1/4

THE GIANT cuts a promo in some dark place. He figures Hogan is counting the number of lives he’s got left – considering the number of times Giant’s kicked his ass now. He rode with Hogan up and down the roads, with Hogan saying he was his friend – but he knows now that Hogan was afraid, and trying to keep him away. Giant says Hogan’s future is real dim after Souled Out. EXCELLENT promo. He was focused, determined, and it just came off really well.

Tony announces 10 random geeks who will go on to play Playstation on Superbrawl weekend.

KEVIN SULLIVAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman) (in a falls count anywhere match)

How many of these did they have between 96 and 97? And I don’t mean WCW, I mean Benoit and Sullivan. Dusty sports a hard-on thanks to the domestic dispute going on. Sullivan does the “just bring it” outside the ring, and Benoit charges with a baseball slide dropkick, and throws the old midget over the guardrail into the crowd. Benoit drags his ass through a rowdy group of fans, with DOUG DILLENGER in hot persuit! They brawl into the bathroom, and Benoit is thrown face first THROUGH a paper towel dispenser. OW! Sullivan launches Benoit into some mirrors – so Benoit counters by launching a full garbage container that hits the referee by mistake. Tony notes this is the third time they’ve brawled into a bathroom. Now Benoit throws Sullivan face first THROUGH another paper towel dispenser, while the referee lies in the urinal. Sullivan clotheslines Benoit and gets a 2. Benoit hammers back, but gets thrown headfirst into the heater. Now Sullivan throws the trash container on the fallen Benoit – with paper towels flying everywhere. Back to the arena they go, and Benoit is rolled like a freakin’ bowling ball down the stairs. That wasn’t even careful, he flew down like 25 rows in mere seconds. Good gawd. Back to the ring, and Sullivan stomps at Benoit. He’s hung in the tree of woe, and runs a knee straight into Benoit’s midsection. Sullivan does the Double Stomp of severe discomfort…and only gets 2!!!! Woman enters the frey with a WOODEN CHAIR and smacks Sullivan over the head – Benoit covers, and scores the win!!! (5:05) ***1/2 I’m sorry I even trashed the idea of this match at the top of the show, that was an AWESOME 5 minute ride. Post match, Benoit smashes a wooden chair over Sullivan’s head, and it shatters all over the place.

For anyone wondering why these 2 feuded for a year and a half, basically Sullivan was told that Benoit was his last feud and after that it was retirement. So Sullivan complied, and booked himself a feud with Benoit that was designed to never end. WCW politics at its best.

Jim Duggan announces he has an IQ that rivals Eugene Dinsmore! Well, he doesn’t SAY it, but it’s certainly implied while he shills the “Where The Big Boys Play” t-shirt.

THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS

If the characters here are to be believed, French Canadians dress like we still live in Colonial times, and 50% of them are pirates. They’re not even trying. At LEAST find yourself a wanna-be hockey player, or someone who smokes like a chimney. Nash and Hall can be heard during the Steiner’s entrance saying “we’re watching you” and little else. Scott nearly goes into a roid rage right there. The Steiners pound the crap out of the Frenchmen to start, and Rick runs around barking. The Canadians come back, and dump the Steiners outside the ring. They come back with double clotheslines – from which Rick gets a 2 count, and Tony calls for a commercial!

Back we come, and Tony says during the break it’s been all Frenchmen – and we see Rougeau slamming Ouelette on Rick. A cannonball is missed – so Rougeau smartly keeps Scott off the apron before Rick can tag out. Rick hits a couple of clotheslines, and tags out anyway. Scott cleans house, including a powerslam of Rougeau onto Ouelette. Double noggin knocker! Overhead belly to belly on Ouelette! Rougeau comes in with the flag, swings, misses Scott – and gets his lights knocked out by a hard punch from the larger Steiner! Ouelette is put on Rick’s shoulders, and Scott DDTs him from the top rope, and you can forget about him getting up from THAT!!!!!!! (6:53) *1/2

SCOTT HALL (with Kevin Nash and Syxx) vs. LEX LUGER

Tony says happy birthday to long time WCW fan Brian Hildebrand, and he’s actually talking about a fan with a VERY familiar name – or he’s lost his marbles because that fan is refereeing THIS match. Hall starts by throwing his toothpick in Luger’s eyes – which is quite frankly the most HILARIOUS thing that he’s ever seen. Luger responds by throwing Hall back to the corner. Hall looks pissed, but gets shoved to his ass a second time, and Luger poses. Hall comes back with a belly to back, and dusts his hands…which Luger no sells, poses, and roars. Hall gets a boot to the face, and top rope bulldog getting 2. Nash stares on while Hall paintbrushes Luger. Luger comes back with a clothesline – but Hall blocks a second attempt with a chokeslam!!! Luger pops right back up, so Hall throws him outside. Hall keeps the ref busy while Syxx gets in Luger’s face. Luger cleans his clock, but misses the freight train Nash running him over. Luger gingerly rolls back into the ring, but Hall’s in firm control now. Hall throws a series of punches, dropping Luger. Upon standing, he gets whipped and clotheslined. Nash distracts the referee, allowing Syxx to clothesline Luger – and Hall attempts to score the pinfall with his feet on the ropes. He gets 2. Nash sneaks in a punch, which MARK CURTIS thinks he saw, but by the time he goes over to yell at Nash, he and Syxx are seated in chairs just watching the match as good spectators. Hall hits a fallaway slam for 2. Abdominal stretch is applied, and naturally Hall cheats with the ropes. With the referee seeing the shaking ropes after the first cheating, he simply uses Syxx as his leverage the second time. He again is not caught. He goes back to the ropes – and Curtis sees it this time, and forces a break. Luger hiptosses Hall, tries to follow with an elbowdrop, but misses. Hall levels Luger with a right, and goes back to paintbrushing him again. Into the corner, Hall chops. Off a whip, Luger reverses, then scoots of the ring. When Hall goes to turn, Luger hooks a leg and trips him up. He yanks Hall testicles first into the ring post! Back to the apron, Luger does a slingshot dropkick, and follows with a series of atomic drops! Four of them is plenty, so Luger uses a clothesline to knock Hall out – and calls for the Rack! Hall, always thinking, jams his thumb in Luger’s eyes. It doesn’t work, and Luger powerslams him. Syxx hits the ring – but Luger casually picks him up and throws him on Nash. He picks up Hall in the Rack…but Nash hits the ring, so Luger drops him. Nash is nailed with a clothesline – and Luger turns his attention back to Hall! He gets in the 10 punch count-a-long, clotheslines Nash again, but Hall jumps on Luger with a series of punches. Syxx joins in, and that’s a DQ. (10:28) **1/2 Nash gives Luger a big boot – and THE STEINER BROTHERS hit the ring. The Steiners work over the Outsiders while Syxx kicks the crap out of Luger. Luger comes back and dumps Syxx, while Scott Steiner drives Nash face first into the guardrail. The Outsiders and Syxx decide to bail today, while the faces call them out to fight. Oddly enough, they DO come back – and get their asses kicked again! With the 6 men brawling, Tony says goodnight. The credits come up, and we’re out!
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