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The 7 - Guest Columns - WWE RAW Draftire (3/22/04)
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 23.3.04 0219.39
Reposted on: 23.3.11 0220.23
Last Week: Vince McMahon decided to shake up the brands by swapping some wrestlers from RAW to Smackdown and vice versa. Shawn Michaels claimed that he was planning on protecting his inwrestment in Chris Benoit. Which show will I be drafted to? I certainly hope it’s not Velocity…find out TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are out, but it’s Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside. Boy…between choosing which brand I want to follow I’ve got to pick between Lawler and Cole. That’s…not very good.

Backstage.…

VM: Ok, you all know what’s going down?
PH: I’m drafting for ECW.
EB: And I’m drafting for WCW.
VM: No no no. You see….
PH: I want Brock Lesnar!
EB: I want Goldberg!
VM: No, no, no. Guys….
EB: Oh yeah, well my commentators are going to be Larry Zybysko and Mongo McMichael!
VM: Not if I can help it….
PH: Oh yeah? Well MY commentators are going to be Joey Styles and My Mom. Take that!
VM: Ugh….

A few second later, the GMs are out at their podiums.

PH: Ehem. With the first pick in the 2004 WWE Draft, Smackdown selects LaBron James.

MC: Wow! What a coup for Smackdown! Let’s look at his tale of the tape, Tazz!
TZ: Well, LaBron is a 6’ 8” Guard out of St. Vincent-St. Mary High School. Smackdown needed a good point guard and this guy could be the guy.
MC: And he’s young. This is just the kind of draft pick that could put Smackdown over the edge!
TZ: You’re not supposed to tell the people that Edge is going to RAW, dumbass.
MC: Shoot.

VM: Uh…Paul….
PH: What? I can’t draft whoever I want?
VM: Uh…no.
PH: So…what do I do again?
VM: Pick a little ball out of your tumbler and read it out loud.
PH: With the first selection in the 2004 WWE draft, Smackdown selects…B-15.
RVD: BINGO!
EB: That’s appropriate seeing where you used to work.
PH: Hey!
VM: Ugh….
PH: Ok. Ok. Oh! I’ve broken up one of the big groups on RAW!

Backstage…

RO: You don’t think he means us?
RF: No way! Not EVOLUTION WOOO!
HHH: Who?
RF: Evolution?
HHH: Evil…woo woo?
DBD: Don’t you REMEMBER?
HHH: Oh, Little Potion? Yeah, those guys are screwed.
DBD:
RF: What the…HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

Back On-Stage….

PH: That’s right! La Resistance is NO MORE!
EB: You think they’re a big group? Do you even watch this show?
PH: Uh…Oh, YEAH! All the time!
EB: Just don’t tell me that you got Fifi the RAW Satire Poodle! I don’t think my heart could take Fifi the Smackdown Satire Poodle.
PH: No. I got a new member to the ever growing Smackdown Women’s division! RENE DUPREE!
RD: Uh…I’m a dude. A French dude who wants all your fries, uh-huh-huh!
PH: Rene is a dude? That’s awfully disappointing.
EB: At least you still have that hottie Josh Matthews.
PH: Oh yeah! SOOOO Hot!
RD: Now that I’m on Smackdown, I’d like very much to have one last match here on RAW! Who will face me?

Rene Dupree v. Chris Jericho

Wow! It’s like Canada up in here! Jericho nails Dupree with a sack of Canadian coins for daring to pretend to be from somewhere he’s not. I’m going to miss you, Rene Dupree. Let’s turn back the clock and relive some classic Rene Dupree Satire Moments:








Uh…





Well….




Ehem.

Then, Steve Austin drives out on the Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice and runs over Dupree for good measure.

(ads)

Rico is in the ring. That is all.

VM: You know what? Rene Dupree? Maybe that tumbler thing wasn’t such a great idea. Just pick somebody. ANYBODY. But they have to be a wrestler. AND they have to work for the WWE.
EB: With RAW’s first selection in the 2004 WWE Draft, we’re going to take…Uh…that black guy.
PH: Faarooq?
EB: No. Didn’t he get fired? I meant the OTHER one.
PH: The Cat?
EB: Oooh! Is he still around?
PH: No.
EB: Oh. The OTHER one. You know. The good one.
PH: Oh, Shelton Benjamin?
EB: Yeah. That’s the one.

Backstage, Shelton looks at Charlie Haas.

CH: I’m gonna miss you man!
SB: Damn right you are. Later you charisma-less piece of crap.
CH: I know the sadness is overcoming you. I won’t hold your words against you.
SB: Let go of me before I feed you to Big Show.
BS: Mmmm….

Kane v. Rico (w/ Miss Jackie)

So, they made Rico stand out there all that time for THIS? What the hell? Kane decides that Rico needs a good Chokeslamming, and gives it to him. And…well…that’s it. Wow. What a marathon.

Kane is up the ramp.

KN: Ok, guys. I know that Smackdown might need a little more Me, but I think RAW needs a little more me more than Smackdown needs a little more me.
PH: Hey! You’re not just afraid of The Undertaker are you?
KN: No.
EB: Where is he anyway?
PH: Oh, he took the night off to go cattle russlin’.
EB: Oh…right.

Kane leaves.

PH: With my next pick, Smackdown selects a cornerstone of the RAW roster, Mark Jindrak!
EB: Oh, come on. You’re totally just making stuff up now, aren’t you.
PH: Uh…well…kinda.
EB: What REALLY pisses me off is that I was going to use him to help rebuild WCW.
VM: You know what guys, we should have gone with that lottery thing. You guy’s picks suck so far. Geez.
EB: Come on, Vince. They’ve been really good so far. I mean, there have been a few REALLY important roster switches. Like…uh…well….

Backstage….

MJ: I’m gonna miss dropkickin’ with you, Garrison.
GC: Yeah. Have fun on Smackdown.
MJ: Hahahahahahahahaha….
GC: Hahahahahahahahha….
MJ: So has anybody in here ever wrestled Shannon Moore? I want to get prepared for my time on Velocity.
MH: Total Prick.
TH: He’s going to hold you down.

(ads. Don’t you wish you drank bees?)

Shawn Michaels is backstage with the camera fixed straight on him.

SM: What?
Director: We’re just showing you because ANYBODY could be drafted. Isn’t it CRAZY?!
SM: I’m not going anywhere.
Director: Well…I mean, I know that and you know that, but THEY DON’T! Oooooh!
SM: Get that out of my face.

PH: Alright, Eric, your pick.
EB: HUSS! HUSS!
PH: Huh? Haas?
EB: HUSS!
PH: You’re taking Charlie Haas too? Oh no!
EB: HUSS!
EB: Oops. Sorry about that. I had to use the restroom. It’s ok dude, I got it.
TB: Huss?
EB: With our next pick, RAW selects NIDIA!
PH: You huh?!
VM: You HUH?!
EB: You heard me. I mean, think about it. If we get all the bitches here on RAW, nobody will bother watching Smackdown anymore.
PH: Hey! He’s right! VIIIIIINCE!
VM: That’s it! THAT’S IT! You guys are picking out of the fricking tumbler again!

Nidia comes out and takes her top off. Lawler dies. Suddenly, John Cena wanders out.

JC: Yo, yo yo yo yo yo YO!
John Cena’s the name
And I hope I go to RAW.
Smackdown sucks,
At least here I’d get to beat Benoit.
How about this?
I’ve come out to waste time!
Randy Orton likes his beer,
With a little bit of lime!
Oh, God, I’ve got to fill out this show,
How about if you all trade me
For Lillian and Al Snow?
I didn’t really realize
How much both shows sucked
But I’m in the WWE,
So I guess I’m really- -

What? Clucked? Plucked? Trucked?

PH: Thanks for the time waster, John. Now that we’ve all got our breath back, why don’t you select the next person?
JC: Sure.
PH: With the next pick, Smackdown selects…Triple…H? WHO?!

In the RAW Locker Room, HHH is spitting all over everybody.

HHH: Only got so much time to make you all look bad before I go. Splort.
RO: Hehehe…yes!
HHH: Shut up! Didn’t you go get your tonsils taken out?
RO: Well…it got better.
RF: NO! NO! Oh, Paul Heyman! You’ve thrust a dagger into my WOO HEART! I’m going to take your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO!
HHH: Hehehehe, Ric, I don’t think Paul has ever had an old lady.
RF: AAAARG!
DBD: Hunter, will you teach me to fish next week on RAW?!
HHH: I’m moving to Smackdown, Dave. Sorry.
DBD: I don’t UNDERSTAND!
HHH: I’m not going to live here anymore.
DBD: You AREN’T?!
HHH: No. But I promise, I’ll call and write, and I’ll even come visit once every few months at the big PPVs.
DBD:
RF: AH! STOP THAT!

(ads)

Back in the RAW Locker Room….

CJ: HAHAHAHA! Oh, this is just FANTASTIC! HOLY CRAP! Have fun on Smackdown, dumbass! Hope you wither away and DIE, you jerk! Humping Her Herpes is more like it! I can FINALLY talk trash to you because you’re LEAVING! You can’t hold me down anymore! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It’s A NEW DAY FOR CHRIS JERICHO!
HHH: Yeah, but.
CJ: Yeah, but NOTHING, JERKY!
SM: Ahem.
CJ: Aw, damn!

Over in the Smackdown Locker Room….

EG: HHH, huh? Damn, esse.

Ultimo Dragon comes barreling in panting and pulling on his mask.

UD: What did I miss-uh?
Rey: We drafted, Tripe H.
UD: No, way! That’s Dragonriffic.
EG: So, holmes, how are you going to wrestle twice on one show?
UD: It means double the people to hold dow…I mean…uh…I won’t-uh…I’ll probably just be on Velocity! How Dragonly disappointing! HHH holds people down! Booo-uh!
EG: Right. Right. Whatever.
UD: No! Really! Despite him being a fantastic wrestler, a handsome young man, and an excellent lover, HHH is all that is wrong with the world-uh! He may be the GAME-UH and he may be THAT DAMN GOOD, but he’s got nothing on guys like Ultimo Dragon-uh!

Spike Dudley v. Chris Tian (w/ Trish Stratus)

SPIKE! OMG! Thanks for coming out tonight, Spike! Spike actually has control of the match for a few seconds before Trish Stratus laughs at how incredibly low on the card Spike is, and Spike is crushed under the incredible weight of his own self-doubt. Chris Tian wins!

Back up the ramp.

EB: With our nex…you know what? I can’t do this anymore. What will I ever do without Hunter. I’m going to go yell at Vince.
RD: Why didn’t you say that about MY pick?
EB: Well….
MJ: Yeah! What are you going to do without US?!
EB: I mean….
RD: We’re the heart and soul of RAW.
EB: Oh, come on. You guys suck.
MJ: You don’t have to rub it in.

(ads)

Backstage….

EB: Come on, Vince. John Cena drew the name.
VM: That’s right. So I’ve decided to make a third brand with John Cena as the GM and HHH as its star.
PH: You huh?
VM: Oh, I’m just messing with you guys. But seriously. Eric, you’re screwed.
PH: How about if I put HHH in a match against Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Heavyweight Title tonight? That’ll be lots of fun, and it’ll be on RAW so you get the benefit Eric.
EB: Fine. Fine. Whatever.
VM: Ok, but I need the approval of the Smackdown Locker room first.
UD: I believe I speak for the Smackdown locker room when I say that the match is Dragontastic-uh!
VM: Good enough for me!
UD: Your daughter is a real wild dragon in bed-uh!
VM: WHAT?!
UD: Uh…nothing.
EB: Well you know what? My next pick was Rhyno, and I’m going to put HIM in a match for the WWE World Title tonight on RAW.
PH: Geez, that’s like Smackdown 3 months ago. Oh no! I lost…Rhyno! Geez. Pfft.

You know. I feel bad about losing HHH. He was lots of fun. He’d talk on and on and on forever and then hump a corpse. That makes me sad. Sadder than Dave Davidson.

Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Rob Van Dam and Booker T
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Flair and Batista spend the first five minutes crying in their corner while Rob fights the man by pointing at himself in his. We’ll see if we can’t get over this epic stalemate right after these….

(ads)

RVD and Booker take turns flipping around the ring while Dave and Flair hug each other in the corner and mourn the only guy who could get them pushed. RVD accidently wanders too close to Batista, though, and accidently gets some ass sweat on Dave’s poop brown tights. No self respecting “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is going to stand for THAT though, and so he hits RVD with his exciting and cool finisher. RVD is back up, and tags Booker. Then, RVD accidently hits Booker T with three kicks and the Five Star. Oops. Batista wins. Flair stops crying long enough to chop the tag title belt.

(ads)

Back at the tumbler….

PH: Our next pick is….HHH’s DOOR~!

What a coup for Smackdown! WOW!

TZ: What’s the Tale of the Tape look like on that one, Cole?
MC: Well, Tazz, HHH’s Door is 6’5” x 3’3”. It turned heel and face more times than Billy Gunn and Lex Luger put together and has also gone by the names The Rock’s Door, Vince McMahon’s Door and Shawn Michael’s Door.

VM: You’re not picking the fricking door!
PH: It was in the tumbler!
VM: I don’t care. Pick again!
PH: Uh…Ok. Let’s see here. RVD? Aw crap!
EB: I hope you can actually pay him this time.
PH: Shut it up you.

Backstage, but not in ANY locker room….

BT: Man, we need a locker room.
RVD: Damn straight. People are beginning to suspect that I use drugs because I sneak away so often.
BT: Uh…yeah. That’s why, Rob.
RVD: Woah. We like, totally lost the tag titles didn’t we?
BT: YOU COST US THE TAG TITLES WHEN YOU BEAT ME UP!
RVD: Woah! That was you? I thought it was Ric Flair.
BT: Ric Flair?! He doesn’t look anything like me!
RVD: Says you.
BT: Kane was right. You make a TERRIBLE tag team partner.
KN: But you wouldn’t listen to me. Would you?
RVD: Hey, Kane! Let’s all go to Baskin Robbins and get Peanut Butter and Skittles Smoothies.
JC: Good news guys. RVD’s been moved to Smackdown!
KN: Finally.
BT: Thank God.
RVD: What’s going on?

Man, I’m going to miss RVD too. Him and his man damning, Hungry Hungry Hippos loving ways. RVD…I Salute You.

Rhyno v. Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate
For the WWE World Title

Rhyno tries to set Benoit up for the GORE, but Benoit blocks it by nailing Rhyno with a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle. This was the most competitive match we’ve had all night.

Backstage, again, this time in Bischoff’s locker room with the Shawn Michaels.

SM: I want to be the Dance Dance World Champion again, Eric!
EB: Shawn. Listen. If you don’t get drafted, you and Benoit can have a Dance-off at the next PPV.
SM: Beer Drinking Puppy Lovers?
EB: I prefer to think of it as Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake.
SM: Right. Whatever. I think later tonight I’m going to show Hunter one last Kick that Sticks.
EB: Ugh….
SM: Ok. That sucked. Sorry. I’m going to show Hunter a Move that Grooves.
EB: ….
SM: No? How about this? I’m going to hit Hunter with an Elbow that Blows.
EB: Uh…..
SM: Wait wait. I’ve got it. I’m going to give Hunter a Smack that puts him on his Back.
EB: No.

(ads)

Bischoff and Heyman are back at the Tumbler.

EB: With my next pick I get…Tajiri? What the hell will I do with him?

Backstage in the Smackdown Locker Room, Tajiri weeps. You know this might not be so bad for Smackdown. Akio and Sakota are pretty snazzy dressers. HHH can make them his Li’l Evolution. Akio can be Li’l Randy Orton and Sakota can be Li’l Dave Davidson, and HHH can call them “Randy and Dave” all the time. Then he can bring in Mr. Fuji as Li’l Ric Flair. It’ll be perfect. Anyway, back at the Tumbler….

PH: Oh, yeah! Well I get…Teddy Long?

Back in the RAW Locker Room….

TL: Buhlee Dat, Playa!
JZ: But Teddy, what about us?
TL: Screw you. I don’t have to be saddled with your crappy ass anymore. And thank GOD I never have to look at Mark Henry again.
JZ: I bet Orlando Jordan is excited.
TL: You did NOT just go there.

Back to the tumbler.

EB: With my next pick, I get…Edge? I thought he was coming back just to job to HHH?
PH: As bad as I feel about losing him, I’m happy he can go back to looking up Lillian’s skirt when he enters the ring. My next pick is…SPIKE DUDLEY!
EB: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PH: Oh, yes! Read ‘em and weap, bitches! Spike Dudley is ALL MINE! HAHAHAHAHA! RAW is hopelessly lost now.
EB: Well…Oh yeah?! I’m going to pick and I pick…you?

Poor Funaki. He didn’t get drafted again.

PH: ME?!
EB: Yes you.
PH: Couldn’t be.
EB: Then who?
PH: I dunno. You tell me.
EB: YOU!
PH: Whatever. You know what. I quit. I don’t need this crap.

CRASH! That was the sound of a million people logging on to a million message boards and saying OMG ECW~! and then falling over and drooling all over their life size Beulah blow up doll. Tommy F’N Dreamer has one of those. He calls her “Patches”.

Bischoff does a little dance because he won the Raw/Smackdown wars. You know, between Vince, Bischoff and Heyman, tonight’s show reeks of decades of Wrestling history. And when I think of the word reeks I think of only one person. That’s right. Edge Tian. Edge is out and he hits Bischoff with the SPEAR~! He’s like a little Goldberg, he is.

(ads, I need me a Chickencycle)

Triple H v. Eddie Guerrero
For the WWE Heavyweight Title

HHH comes out in a RAW T-Shirt, but rips it off to reveal…an nWo T-shirt! SHOCKING SWERVE~! He looks confused, and then rips that off to reveal a DX T-Shirt! They’re REFORMING ON SMACKDOWN!! Then he rips that off to reveal a Stone Cold Steve Austin T-Shirt! I don’t know WHAT to make of that one. Then he rips that one off to reveal a WCW T-Shirt. Huh? Why don’t we come back and let him sort this one out.

(ads)

HHH is desperately ripping off T-Shirts as the pile next to him grows. Finally. A Smackdown T-Shirt. It makes me sad to see him go. He’s gotten so big. Sniff. Eddie comes out and they brawl. Eddie works the OMG CHINLOCK~! but HHH uses the KNEE to take control of the match. Flair and Batista run out to beg HHH to take them to Smackdown, but Rey and Cena are having none of that. Between HHH and The Undertaker they’ve got enough crap to fight off. Chris Tian is out and the Ref gives up. The entire Smackdown locker room runs out and starts beating up HHH trying to get him injured before he can make it. But then a trumpet sounds and Steve Austin leads the RAW Roster (even The Ducks~!) down to fight them off. He’s THEIR problem now.

Next Week: What Trades will be made? Hopefully not Garrison Cade for Charlie Haas. Huh…Huh? Thankfully, RAW will not be lacking any Kane, but how will it survive the devastating loss of Spike Dudley? Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate learns a few dance steps from Jonathan “Soft Shoes” Coachman.




















The Arena has cleared out save for two lone figures.

HHH: It’s you.
RO: We meet at last.
HHH: At last? We’ve wrestled on the same show for a long time now.
RO: I’m being theatrical.
HHH: Well, knock it off.
RO: So. How should we go about doing this?
HHH: Randy, I never thought I’d ever say this, but I’m going to miss you.
RO: Yeah. We made a great team.
HHH: No we didn’t. Shut up.
RO: Hunter, I….
HHH: Just…don’t make this harder than it needs to be.
RO: Let’s do this together.
HHH: Yeah yeah. Good. Ready?
RO: Hold on…Yeah. I’m ready.
HHH: PEDIGREE
RO: TO
HHH: ORTON!

Until next time.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 23.3.04 0237)
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#2 Posted on 23.3.04 0723.10
Reposted on: 23.3.11 0724.55
Matt -- here I was thinking there was no way anyone could parody that lame-ass episode, but you showed fine form.

My two favorite parts:

PH: Hey! You’re not just afraid of The Undertaker are you?
KN: No.
EB: Where is he anyway?
PH: Oh, he took the night off to go cattle russlin’.


PH: ME?!
EB: Yes you.
PH: Couldn’t be.
EB: Then who?


Nice work.
Texas Kelly
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#3 Posted on 23.3.04 0858.06
Reposted on: 23.3.11 0858.06
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    VM: Uh…Paul….
    PH: What? I can’t draft whoever I want?
    VM: Uh… no.
    PH: So… what do I do again?
    VM: Pick a little ball out of your tumbler and read it out loud.
    PH: With the first selection in the 2004 WWE draft, Smackdown selects… B-15.
    RVD: BINGO!
    EB: That’s appropriate seeing where you used to work.
    PH: Hey!
    VM: Ugh…
I just had about ten people in the lab look at me funny after I did a piss-poor job of trying to suppress my laughter at this one...

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    CJ: HAHAHAHA! Oh, this is just FANTASTIC! HOLY CRAP! Have fun on Smackdown, dumbass! Hope you wither away and DIE, you jerk! Humping Her Herpes is more like it! I can FINALLY talk trash to you because you’re LEAVING! You can’t hold me down anymore! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It’s A NEW DAY FOR CHRIS JERICHO!
What I would've paid to see that…

(edited by Texas Kelly on 23.3.04 1001)
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#4 Posted on 23.3.04 0953.05
Reposted on: 23.3.11 0957.18
HHH's masterful job of comforting Dave Davidson was the highlight of this satire. And the Orlando Jordan crack. Great job.
OlFuzzyBastard
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#5 Posted on 23.3.04 1113.14
Reposted on: 23.3.11 1114.04
Man, I'm gonna miss RVD in the Satires, too. You should have him get confused and show for RAW anyway for a few weeks. There's a decent chance that'll really happen anyway.
whatever
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#6 Posted on 23.3.04 1206.06
Reposted on: 23.3.11 1209.03
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    PH: Ehem. With the first pick in the 2004 WWE Draft, Smackdown selects LaBron James.

LeBron, man. And an excellent addition to SmackDown, I might add!
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Ultimo Dragon comes barreling in panting and pulling on his mask.

    UD: What did I miss-uh?

You are evil. I love it!
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    RVD is back up, and tags Booker. Then, RVD accidently hits Booker T with three kicks and the Five Star. Oops. Batista wins.

I wondered how RVD could "accidentally" hit Booker in such a fashion. Maybe he could just see right through Booker...
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    SM: Beer Drinking Puppy Lovers?
    EB: I prefer to think of it as Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake.

Whoo-hoo! I didn't realize it was already time for Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake!
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    HHH is desperately ripping off T-Shirts as the pile next to him grows. Finally. A Smackdown T-Shirt.

An excellent visual - got me to laughing at work as well!
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    HHH: PEDIGREE
    RO: TO
    HHH: ORTON!

Could it be? For the last time? *sniff* :(
JST
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#7 Posted on 23.3.04 1324.21
Reposted on: 23.3.11 1326.49
Bahahaha. A fitting ending.

This thursday: PEDIGREE TO AKIO... ?
It's False
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#8 Posted on 24.3.04 0347.07
Reposted on: 24.3.11 0347.30
After today's trade, what'll happen next week?

RO: Hey, I thought you were leaving!
HHH: It was a SHOCKING SWERVE! I heard those are in. Did wonders for Vince Russo.
RO: Who?
HHH: PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!!
Excalibur05
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#9 Posted on 24.3.04 1917.33
Reposted on: 24.3.11 1917.55
They got me all worked up about NOTHING?
What the hell kind of show does Vince think he's RUNNING?
uberlou
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#10 Posted on 25.3.04 1833.13
Reposted on: 25.3.11 1834.20
I bow to Bastista's " " powers. That should be his move. Great satire again this week.
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