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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/18/2004!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#1 Posted on 18.3.04 2101.36
Reposted on: 18.3.11 2101.44
Oop! I lost track of time. 12 Old Mil and I have already fucked with the big four oh of HURRRICANE. Hurricane Malt Liquor will fuck you up. BOOZE~! BOOOOOZE~! Buh Buh BOOOOOOZE~!

WHAT WORKED-

-Eddy Guerrerro and Chris Motherfucking Benoit are the world champions. There is no way I could ever hate anything too much this week. How fucking weird is THAT? Fuck the world. The WWE WINS.

- Cena beats the shit out of Heyman and it leads to Rhyno having a match with the Celtic throwback-bedecked rapping superstar. FOR THE BELT! We are killing time until the restart Monday so I'm thinking that this will be wrestling in a Worldwide-like vacuum. Rhyno assumes his role as television jabronie. Love of the co-champions gives this match enough residual love to keep it up here. Because it was basically nothing.

- OH! I realize 30 minutes in that Heyman is pissed about Austin coming in last week. APA is fighting for their job! Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi come to the ring. "ALERT CAPTAIN! I can't tell who he's fighting this week!"

"Yes Dr Poo. They keep plugging shitty movies. Ah it's the APA FOR THE BELTS! And for their JOBS!"

"Captain Turdwellian, it would seem strange if we would actually use Rikishi's giant festering ass tonight."

"Yes, Dr Poo and he ate all those Mexican sausages and wasn't real careful about wiping. We can only look for an opening and utilize the giant ass of Rikishi as best we can."

"Farooq is being a dick to young Scotty."

"Yesssss, it is truly beautiful Southern wrestling. Bradshaw is using an Argentinian Backbreaker. They truly are fighting for their jobs. HOpefully, Bradshaw will not also adopt the Lex Luger lariat- the least Western of all lariats."

"Yes, turdwellian."

"FINALLY! Scotty puts his knees into Farooq's gigantic junk! The junk he once said he used to masturbate with!"

"Ah but Bradshaw is cutting him off."

"Ah Dr Poo. Scotty's DDT has turned the tide! Rikishi is going wild!"

"No time for Rikishi's ass. He's going for the pin."

"10-4. Let's shut it down."

- Bradshaw is on FOX NEWS so he MUST be EEEEEEVIL! then he acts. ACTS! HE IS TORN! You, see the acting... the TORNNESS of Bradshaw as thinks about Farooq. And how he is TORN about Farooq vs HIS FUTURE! He is acting and he is so the best wrestling Jan Micheal Vincent. Will he get White Line Fever? Will he find the wrestling version of Burt Reynolds and re-enact HOOPER? I am stoked.

- They hint at Benoit back on Smackdown and I develop a wrestling stiffy like in the old days. Haas wrestles Shelton and it's fun. They do the Clean Scientific Match that riles the rubes. Shelton rules with the heel turn on his heel partner. They are no longer in love and Shelton is sooooooooo Jerry Lawler great with the heelish stall. Benjamin rules. Haas goes on a big batch of offense and Tazz is whitehot getting over the weird little points of the match. Tazz is becoming like the Nouvelle Gordon Solie 04. They hug postmatch and wonder why he didn't clothesline him postmatch. So we go to commercial. Hey, it's the Assman Billy Gunn! his theme is so John Parr-esque. Shelton continues to rule, punching Billy in the face. Billy's punches are less good. Nice kneedrop though. Shelton does the sweet crossfaces. Shelton rules. Shelton with the 1/1,000,0000,000000th Mr Wrestling 2 kneelift. Billy with the Nice Quebradora Slam for two. Shelton avoids the Fame-Asser and CHEATS TO WIN. Another commercial. Ooo actually. The Big Show. Another commercial. Oh, Big Show cuts a promo midmatch. YEs, he did cheat. And we have CHEAP HEAT! He is a Boston Street Punk. It kinda blathers on from there. Ah. Another commercial. REY REY! Fuck yeah. Shelton fucking ROCKS as he is Fuerza-esque rudoing like an absolute motherfucker for Rey Misterio Jr. EXPLODER to transition. Side Suplex. Benjamin starts ripping Rey's shoulder up. Shelton rules in the corner with his punches and with his knees to the bread basket. Rey Rey sells the assbeating like a fucking KING. Shelton with the SWEET powerslam for two. nice set-up to the 619. Rey Rey versus Big Show. And another commercial (okay I was completely wrong about the "Wordwide-easque Wrestling in a vacuum" shit.) IT'S THE BIG SHOW! YEAH ITS THE BIG BAD SHOW NOW! ITS THE BIG SHOW! YEAH ITS THE SOMETHING SOMETHING ! WEELLLLL YOU 'LL SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! And they wrestle. A giant beel maneuver. And you know the drill. Oh right. Cena kills the Big Show with THE COUNT OUT! MISTERIO ADVANCES! And now we get to the match up that was voted best match of the 1990's in the WCW. But first. A commercial. I am AMAZINGLY STOKED. Eddy FIANLLY rocks a REAL lowrider with the Town Car. Eddy wears the BELT to the ring because that's what FLAIR useta do. Nick Patrick holds the belt up and we are in true greatness. They go superLucha early. Eddy works out of the headlock. Rey Rey works the arm. They go back to super Lucha and it rules. Eddy crushes Rey Rey into the corner after Eddy tells Rey Rey that THIS AIN'T NO DAMN SUNDAY SCHOOL. Eddy works over the shoulder.
(Tazz says he can't hold his mud and I lauf and lauf and lauf.) GOD. Eddy vs Rey Rey is so fucking beautiful. It reminds you of the first time your white ass figured out why Mexican wrestling was so fucking great. Another commercial (because back when CRZ useta do these things, he would always say when the commercial came up and CRZ is soooo much cooler than everybody else.) We are up top and the TOPROPE SUPERPLEX is the first move in. Rey Rey had hit the Magnum Tokyo Asai Moonsault. Eddy punches him in the head and goes back to the shoulder. Rey Rey tries to punch out but Eddy hits the SWEET Quebradora to cut him off. The HAMMERLOCK GORIE SPECIAL makes me weep LOVES EASY TEARS. Rey Rey with the Small Package comeback and Eddy cuts him off goes back to working on the shoulder. Eddy stomps the shoulder. Rey Rey doesn't hit the DDT clean. Rey Rey with the Spinning DDT for two! Eddy with the three suplexes but Rey Rey blocks the third. Eddy Brainbusters to cut off Rey Rey. Rey Rey dodges the Love Machine Splash. Rey misses the Springboard Rana and Eddy hits the SWEET Lucha roll-up for the pin. FUCKING AWESOME.

- MicroTouch is for head to toe and all points in-between. But we know what it's really for: valentine heartshaped pubes. Unibrows. THAT HIDEOUS HAIRY BACK YOU HAVE! JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU REPULSIVE! Thank you, MicroTouch. If you were a woman, I would fuck you. Yes, I would. Surely. Slowly. Lovingly. Free of apologies and embarrassing stains. Yes. It would be beautiful.....

- Fuck it. I saw WRESTLEMANIA. He's STILL MUGA taker. So fuck you.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- They do a lot of talking about the draft.

- Arm and Hammer Ultramax Gel commercial, Giambi says that women don't sweat like men. What? They sweat out of their tongues and feet like dogs? Maybe it's the mega-dosage of steroids that makes Giambi's sweat different. The ladies sweat to big daddy Dean's sweet loving touch, mmmmmUTHA Fuckahhhhhh. Yeah, sweet mama. I'll soothe you baby.....

- God, has there ever been a gathering of women that I would never want to fuck more that the group in the AMERICA'a TOP MODEL group. Now that gal on KING OF QUEENS, I'd stir it with her. I'd have it off with her. I'd ply her with merciful and caring love. I would kiss her on the nape of the neck. I would gently stroke the side of her face. I would deeply apologize about coming all over my sweatpants when I saw her naked shoulder. Yes I would. It would be the finest of apologies. Yes. She would have never heard a finer apology. No. She wouldn't have. No.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN
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redsoxnation
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#2 Posted on 18.3.04 2109.29
Reposted on: 18.3.11 2110.27
DEAN, I know that you are excited about the possibility of Benoit returning to SD to face Guerrero in the World Title Unification of Greatness with Dean Malenko as the Holy Trinity ref. But, since Vince runs the world and everyone is happy, doesn't that mean Trip gets to grace SD with his 'exciting' 35 minute promos about how big his dick is each week? I can see it now: The Mighty Baron Workrate Report, with the Secret Adventures of Smackdown mixed in for when Trip shuts his mouth. And remember, from those brief times you watch RAW, all the people you hate will end up on SD, and almost everyone that works will get deported on you.
And, why did they bring back Dustin Rhodes as Seven? Oh wait, that's Taker.
But, on the bright side, no more Next Nitwit Model ads after this week. Which leaves more room for Trojan ads.
Parts Unknown
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#3 Posted on 18.3.04 2125.00
Reposted on: 18.3.11 2125.38
DEAN, I raise my glass to you, my acolyte of Leah Remini WORSHIP.

And I'm still all about the Undertaker, too. Even though they buried him in Tucson.
drjayphd
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#4 Posted on 18.3.04 2251.09
Reposted on: 18.3.11 2252.29
In the words of Smoove B: Leah Remini, Let Me Give It To You.

And if you didn't toast a load to Eddie/Mysterio, you make me CRY.
asteroidboy
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#5 Posted on 19.3.04 0040.48
Reposted on: 19.3.11 0041.37
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    God, has there ever been a gathering of women that I would never want to fuck more that the group in the AMERICA'a TOP MODEL group.


No shit. Even Tyra Banks looks like one of the aliens from the end of AI. Didn't Tyra Banks used to look fuckable?
Ultimate Hero Danzaiver!!
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#6 Posted on 19.3.04 0113.10
Reposted on: 19.3.11 0113.13

    Eddy vs Rey Rey is so fucking beautiful. It reminds you of the first time your white ass figured out why Mexican wrestling was so fucking great.


BWAHAHA! Best thing I've heard all week, and all true even though technically my ass ain't white. It's the color of justice!

*dramtic pose*
Oliver
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#7 Posted on 19.3.04 0430.01
Reposted on: 19.3.11 0430.33
Aside from a decent (yet watered down rap) from Cena and letting Shelton Benjamin shine tonight, nothing too noteworthy on Smackdown.

I did notice, however, Charlie Haas's tribute to his late brother Russ on his wrist tape. That was really sweet.

I did like the face vs. face matches, though.
Joe E. Nitro
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#8 Posted on 19.3.04 0623.56
Reposted on: 19.3.11 0624.43
Glad to see that you enjoyed Tazz this week, because next week it very well could be Cole and Jerry 'The King' Lawler assaulting your eardrums.

Have we gone three weeks with no Josh now?
dwaters
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#9 Posted on 19.3.04 0707.23
Reposted on: 19.3.11 0709.15
Sign of the night:
"Somebody call Mel Gibson- Undertaker has risen!"
JoshMann
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#10 Posted on 19.3.04 0741.12
Reposted on: 19.3.11 0741.57
    Originally posted by Dean
    And how he is TORN about Farooq vs HIS FUTURE! He is acting and he is so the best wrestling Jan Micheal Vincent. Will he get White Line Fever? Will he find the wrestling version of Burt Reynolds and re-enact HOOPER? I am stoked.


Your love of classic Burt Reynolds movies fronts itself yet again, not that it's necessarily a bad thing.

Although, if any team or faction ever uses the phrase "God is our co-pilot", God help us all


(edited by Blanket Jackson on 19.3.04 0841)
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#11 Posted on 19.3.04 0846.24
Reposted on: 19.3.11 0847.20
    Originally posted by redsoxnation
    DEAN, I know that you are excited about the possibility of Benoit returning to SD to face Guerrero in the World Title Unification of Greatness with Dean Malenko as the Holy Trinity ref. But, since Vince runs the world and everyone is happy, doesn't that mean Trip gets to grace SD with his 'exciting' 35 minute promos about how big his dick is each week? I can see it now: The Mighty Baron Workrate Report, with the Secret Adventures of Smackdown mixed in for when Trip shuts his mouth. And remember, from those brief times you watch RAW, all the people you hate will end up on SD, and almost everyone that works will get deported on you.
    And, why did they bring back Dustin Rhodes as Seven? Oh wait, that's Taker.
    But, on the bright side, no more Next Nitwit Model ads after this week. Which leaves more room for Trojan ads.


DR: Oh man, I'm stoked about a 35 minute Creative Writing Break in the middle of every Smackdown Workrate Report. Actually, I would definately keep the non-stop wrestling action that it's achieved at this point.

And Trojan jokes write themselves so I gleefully take the Trojan ads over HHH yakking about his shriveled scrotum.
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