canucklover
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| #1 Posted on 22.2.04 1358.27 Reposted on: 22.2.11 1358.28 | My buddy Pete and I were able to watch Man vs. Beast II at the Jolly Taxpayer on Friday night, albeit without any sound. The following is my report on the show.
1. Long Jump - Man vs. Lab. Victory went to the Lab, by a margin of half a foot. Without the benefit of sound, we were unable to determine exactly how the measurements were made. It also wasn't clear whether Carl Lewis' words of wisdom to the man were of any benefit. However, given that he lost, we suspected that they weren't. Beast 1, Man 0.
2. Endurance Hang - Man vs. Monkey (Urangatang). Truly a bizarre event, particularly without sound. The man hung. The monkey hung. They looked at each other. They continued to hang. Some faces were made by both parties. The monkey started to pee himself. Man started to laugh. Result: first ever DQ in the history of televised sporting events due to inappropriate urination. This seemed very unfair as the monkey was probably unaware of this rule, and peeing while in a tree would probably come naturally to it. At best, a tainted victory for Man. Interesting note: a diaper is unable to absorb the vast majority of a monkey's urine. A bonus was the presence of former Olympic gold medallist, Bart Conner, who must have done a better job than Carl Lewis in motivating the contestant for man. Beast 1, Man 1.
3. Pole Race - Man vs. Chimp. The object was to climb a vertical pole without mechanical assistance (i.e. no climbing gear) grab a flag and descend the pole. The first to the bottom with their flag won. Man was represented by a gentleman who appeared to hail from somewhere in the South Pacific. Clearly the producers of the show had done their homework and had found a champion pole climber. The man appeared to be quite intense, and made a number of scary faces at the chimp, presumably in attempt to intimidate it. The chimp stuck out its tongue in reply, and didn't appear too bothered by man's tactics. Man easily won the race, but in fairness to the chimp, he did not appear to be too interested in getting to the flag quickly. However, the chimp was able to complete the event without soiling his 1970s era boxer trunks and thereby restored some of the dignity back to the beast team. Beast 1, Man 2.
4. Relay Race - Man vs. Camel (Dromedary variety). The most anticipated event of the evening. One camel vs. a relay team consisting of 4 little people. In the true spirit of the event, the camel did not have a rider, as this would have resulted in Man on Beast vs. Man, although it did have a human trainer. Clearly the men had also been in training, but unlike the previous three events, man was not represented by elite athletes. Being somewhat unfamiliar with camels and not being privy to audio portion of the telecast, we were not able to ascertain whether this was a champion camel or if it an average camel. Unlike team man, it did not appear to exhibit any signs of dwarfism. We deduced that certain members of team man subscribed to the Samson's Hair Theory of Strength, or at least that seemed to be the best reason for their somewhat unfashionable mullets. The camel started the race slowly, and team man established an early lead due to the strength of the first runner. The camel then picked up its pace and started closing the gap. Unfortunately for the third member of team man, his long locks of hair gave him strength, but not speed. The camel built what appeared to be an insurmountable lead. However, the fourth member of team man was clearly the fastest, and with legs churning in a manner reminiscent of an eggbeater, he rapidly closed the gap. Alas for man, the race ended too soon, and despite the extra two inches obtained by man in employing the classic sprinter's lean, the camel won in a photo finish. It would appear that Carl Lewis' time would have been better spent working with the relay team, particularly its third member. In an unexpected twist, this event was deemed to be worth two points, perhaps because one camel had beaten four men, and Beast emerged victorious, 3 points to 2.
Although mind-bogglingly stupid, this show was actually quite entertaining. The enjoyment factor was no doubt enhanced by the quantity and quality of the microbrews my buddy and I were throwing back, so your mileage may vary in differing degrees of sobriety.
(edited by canucklover on 22.2.04 1159) Promote this thread! | | Whitebacon
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| #2 Posted on 22.2.04 1425.32 Reposted on: 22.2.11 1425.57 | I watched this the other night as well, let me fill in some holes.
(1) They measured the Lab from where neck was completely submerged in the water. Easily gave the mutt an extra six inches or so on every jump.
(2) The Orangutang (where is that spellchecker) was DQ'd for grabbing on to the side pole, not for inappropriate urination (although that makes it much more interesting.) Also, right before the bladder evacuation, the monkey's diaper had begun to slip off.
(3) The man demolished the chimp, and he almost pulled off the side challenge of going up and down twice in the time it took the chimp to do it once. But, having already gone up the tree twice, by the third time he tried to go up, he ran out of gas.
(4) Mick Foley's words have never been truer: Midgets = Ratings. Did anyone else notice that the guy with the long, flowing mullet, and huge muscles was trying to flex for the camera every chance he got? Horrible technique employed on the relay race. They would have won easily if the third runner had taken off when he was supposed to when he got the baton, and then in turn handed the baton off cleanly to the anchorman. That guy absolutely FLEW. He made up a ton of ground on that filthy camel, and damn near won them the race.
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