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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 26.8.03 0223.57
Reposted on: 26.8.10 0225.39
Last Night: Triple H retained the WWE Title by Elimi-Dating Stone Man Still Austinberg by hitting him with a pudding to the face! Shane McMahon got a daring win by doing something really stupid, but the real story of the match was that Jonathan Coachman turned heel. Who did what now? Also, Kane beat RVD, but that happens every week.

{Opening Credits}

Hey, Austinberg is coming out, and the crowd is going nuts. He may have jobbed to pudding in the face, but everybody still loves Austinberg. But heís not out to chug beer and complain, oh no, he wants Triple H to come out first. THEN he can chug beer and complain.

Out comes The Game (with Triple Naitch and The Lame) and Austinberg immediately starts chugging a beer.

AB: Aw, man. Why couldnít you guys have let Olí StoneMan win?
HHH: Itís in my contract. I CANíT let anyone else win. I keep trying to drop the belt to you, Shawn, Nash, Jericho, RockÖbut Vince wonít let me. Iím trying man. I even stayed the hell out of the match last night so that somebody else would win, but then Naitch got involvedÖI was confusedÖ.
AB: Aw, shove it. You stole that trick from Eddie Guererro.
EG: Yeah, HHHolmes!
RO: How do you pronounce that? HeHeHolmes?
Everybody: Shut up, Randy.
RF: UhÖIím a 16 time world champion! I took all your old ladies on rides on Space Mountain last night fatboys! Wooo!
HHH: Good one, Naitch! Anyway, Iím just going to stand around on RAW from now on, because I beat 5 guys last night, so I should get to take 5 PPVs off.
AB: Hey, I beat most of those guys.
HHH: Thatís it Austinberg, Iím challenging you! Unforgiven, if you arenít injured, weíll have a match. If you win, you get the title, if I win, you have to split up.
AB: What? Split up? What? Thatís ridiculous. What? HHH, Youíre NEXT!
HHH: Oh, God, I hate you Austinberg. PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

Hey! Itís Trish Stratus. Aw, hell. That means womenís action is NEXT!

(ads)

Trish Stratus v. Gail Kim

Neither of these women has the Womenís Title, thus negating the need for this match to happen on RAW. Gail is still trying to get on my good side, by trying to get the match over with as quickly as possible. Youíre an orange Life Saver, Gail. Trish wins with a bulldog. Sheís a regular Crash Holly, she is. Speaking of Hollys, hereís Molly. She beats up Trish and stares at Gail. What a transition! Needed more Kane.

Last night, Eric Bischoff wondered why Vince McMahon chases around old cows when he has an even older cow at home. Does Vince own a ranch?

(ads)

Molly is backstage choking Gail Kim. Yeah. Good times. Somehow this ends with them becoming a tag team. A tag team? I hope they beat La French Guys. Thatíll be the best Heat main event ever.

Mark Henry is out with Theodore Long. So this is who RAW got for Bradshaw? Wow. This has really made my day. Crappy.

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak v. Rodney Mack and Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long)

This is truly a match made to open Heat. Oh, man. I thought the womenís match was hard to watch, but this is just. Harder. Fast forward to the endingÖoops I missed it. I donít feel like going back. Iíll assume that Theodore Long go the pin. Buh-lee THAT playa.

Hereís Lance Storm Cubed and Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks.

LS: Ok. Ew. Last week was gross.
GD: I canít believe you all fell for that. Letís see what I can get you to do this week!
LS: Seriously, we donít think this is helping us get any more over.
GD: No, no. Trust me, Booker T had to do all the same things before he got over.
LS: Oh fine. What now?
GD: First, Iím going to bring in some midgets, and theyíre going to hump youÖ.
LS: UhÖ.
GD: And then weíre going to paint you all pink head to toe.
LS: Oh, come on.
GD: Then weíre going to tape beef jerky to your chins.
LS: Weíre out of here.
GD: But I havenít gotten to the part with the platypus. Lances!

Elsewhere Backstage, Rosey is talking to Tough Enough JessieÖ

TEJ: And thatís how I got this role standing backstage.
RS: We like the Backstreet Boys, *Nsync too. Britney Spears is kind of cute.
TEJ: Are you even listening to me?
RS: No, arenít you listening to me?
TEJ: No.
RS: Why not? Shannon Moore and me are going on tour!

Not if Matt Hardy has anything to say about it. Rosey leaves. Hurricane enters.

TH: Hey, baby. Can I get your number? Iím a superhero.
TEJ: Mr. McMahon says that I donít have to talk to you, because youíre creepy.
TH: Well, Beatch I donít know if crying a lot is the best way to get a job.
TEJ: Says you.
TH: Quiet. Iím trying to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show.
TEJ: Donít shut me up *cries*.
TH: OhÖman. Iím sorry Tough Enough Jessie.
TEJ: Got you! Ahahaha. Iím the best crier there is. I think somebody might be in the ring.
TH: Iím there. Call me.

(ads)

Did you know that The Rock is going to be in a new movie? Try to go see this one or else Rock will come back and beat up Maven.

During the break, Rosey was out trying to sing when he accidently was too fat and crushed the T-Shirt Shootiní Guy while dancing. Hurricane ran out to have a match, but when he saw that it was just Rosey, he got mad and left.

Austinberg is backstage with Terri. He tells her that he doesnít really know why Coach turned heel, because it doesnít make sense for an announcer to turn anything. Eric Bischoff comes in and tells Austin that wearing a stupid hat is the cool new thing that all the kids are doing. Then Bischoff says that Coachís heel turn will likely make sense by the end of the night. And if it doesnít, then Bischoff will give Austin a dollar next week live on RAW.

(ads)

Rob Conway is some guy whoís joining La Resistance. Looks like a jobber to me. Hey! What happened to Duke?

Rob Conway and La Resistance v. Spike, D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley

The Dudley Boyz are looking for Duke as the match starts, but I guess heís off hiding from the rest of the Joes. Find him, Shipwreck! Spike actually HITS the Dudley Dog. Wow. The Dudleyz also hit 3-D on both members of La French Guys. And yet they still end up losing the match. When the hell did the Dudleyz start sucking this bad?

Whoa! Linda McMahon is backstage.

(ads)

Chris Jericho is out for the Highlight Reel with special guest, Linda McMahon (w/ Oo! Oo! Theme from WrestleMania!)

CJ: So. Youíre a zombie.
LM: BraiiÖI mean. Yes.
CJ: Did you get raped by Eric Bischoff?
LM: No, weíre not writing necrophilia any more. The Fry Guys took him out of the McMahonsion.
CJ: Oh. That ruins my next question then.
LM: What was it?
CJ: Did you screw Ericís brains out and eat them.

Hereís Vince.

VM: That would have made for a cool angle!
CJ: Hell yeah it would have.
LM: I donít want to have to explain THAT one in conference call.
VM: Shaneís a half-zombie, I wonder how HE feels about this.

Shane to block.

SM: Eh. Itís pretty mediocre.
VM: Hey, who are you to call my angle mediocre!
LM: Iím leaving now.
CJ: How dare you all interrupt the Highlight Reel! Iím challenging one of you to a match!
VM: How about with Linda? Thatíd be fun.
LM: Brock is waiting for me out in the car.
SM: Iíve got nothing. Iíll see you later tonight.

(ads)

Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair) v. Maven (w/ Shawn Michaels)

Maven was able to convince Shawn that he was The Rock, so Shawn came out to be at ringside. Everybody loves The Rock. Maven takes control of the match, but Triple Naitch gets involved. Shawn Michaels isnít having any of that. Neither am I. Knock it off, Ric. Maven is about to win the match, but he realizes that he doesnít have a finisher and falls over. Thatís Ortonís MOVE! Randy wins.

(ads)

Hereís Funk Master Flex. Did the world need driving shoes? Really?

Eric Bischoff and Jonathan Coachman are in the ring.

EB: The heel turn of the year award goes to Coach.
JC: Thanks for letting me out of my box.
EB: Whatever, Coach.
JC: So, is this like a Slammy, or what?
EB: No. This is nothing like a Slammy. Now why did you turn heel?
JC: Because you asked me to. Remember? You were like, ďCoach, turn heel!Ē
EB: Oh, yeah. I was REALLY drunk that day.

Chris Tian makes his way to the ring. Chris Tian? The hell?

CT: Why did I come out here again?
JC: Was it to talk to me?
CT: No. Wait. I wanted to wrestle somebody for the Intercontinental Title.
EB: Want to wrestle me?
CT: Not really, no.

Austinberg is out. The ring is really filling up.

AB: This ring is really filling up.
EB: What the hell is this segment about again?
JC: I got an award for being better than J.R.
AB: Right.
CT: And I wanted to wrestle somebody.
AB: What this segment needs is a semi-retired wrestler. Jerry Lawler, come on down!
JL: Alright! Iím going to win a title!
AB: Now I will give Coach the finger.

Austinberg gives Coach the finger.

(ads)

Jerry Lawler v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Lawler tries to tell Christian about puppies, but Christian isnít having any of it. However, Christian was unprepared to deal with ďclassicĒ wrestling styles from before he was born, and Lawler takes control. Jerry goes to pull down his strap, but he is blinded by the glare from Coachís head, and Christian rolls him up. What a dirty trick!

Meanwhile, backstage, Shane is wandering around by a big long fence. Whatís that doing backstage anyway? Kane is wandering around behind the fence herding sheep. Arizona has always been known for itís sheep production.

(ads)

Coach and Christian are celebrating the fact that Christian has a belt. I have a belt too. Where is she? Stacy? Darling? Then, Austinberg comes in and tells Coach that heís going to wrestle against Jerry Lawler next week. Oh boy! Announcer fight!

Chris Jericho v. Shane McMahon

Jericho is the more experienced wrestler, but Shane has a distinct advantage: Crappy Hair. Jericho almost breaks out laughing and Shane spears him in the balls. That move usually works. WAIT. OH NO! Under his mesh ďShaneĒ shirt, Shane is wearing a Highlight Reel shirt. I can see the film reel! HEEL TURN BY SHANE! This turn of events is so exciting, Kaneís pyro goes off. Letís take an ad break to cool down.

(ads)

Jericho and Shane are trading blows to find out who the real heel in this match is. At this point, Iím leaning toward Earl Hebner, but that could just be because one of the legs on this chair is broken. Kaneís pyro goes off again, but this tie itís to introduce some more Kane to the show. Jericho leaves, and Shane and Kane wander slowly out the arena. Kane pops up out of nowhere as Shane pokes his head out the door. Wow, for such a big guy, he sure is sneaky, and Kane throws his arms up and down, lighting a giant grill on fire. Wow. You could cook a big piece of steak on there. Heís going to throw Shane in, but he slips on a poorly placed banana peel, and falls into the grill. Wow, this is just like Hansel and Gretel. Whereís Stephanie? Shane looks battered and beaten, but he turns and delivers one bone chilling line that will haunt my dreams for years to come.

SM: Camera Guy Dan, pass the marshmallows.

Next Week: Kane comes back from the dead and starts an all zombies stable with Linda and Shane despite their past problems. Kevin Nash, Test and My Darling Stacy will actually get to be on the show. Triple H and Austinberg will drown their sorrows by beating up on Randy Orton.

Alright, Shaneís made me hungry, somebody pass me the marshmallows


(edited by Excalibur05 on 26.8.03 0224)
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Alex
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#2 Posted on 26.8.03 0500.13
Reposted on: 26.8.10 0507.48
Hooray! This was fun to read! Good job!

(Every Hocking is a bonus Hocking)
tomvejada
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#3 Posted on 26.8.03 0655.25
Reposted on: 26.8.10 0658.29
This was the funniest satire to date.

Highlights included Jessie and Hurricane's conversation, Bischoff and Austinberg's conversation, and Shane's line at the end.

Keep up the good work.
Ryan_A
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#4 Posted on 26.8.03 0659.05
Reposted on: 26.8.10 0659.18

    Originally posted by Excalibur05


    CJ: So. Youíre a zombie.
    LM: BraiiÖI mean. Yes.
    CJ: Did you get raped by Eric Bischoff?
    LM: No, weíre not writing necrophilia any more. The Fry Guys took him out of the McMahonsion.
    CJ: Oh. That ruins my next question then.
    LM: What was it?
    CJ: Did you screw Ericís brains out and eat them.

    Hereís Vince.

    VM: That would have made for a cool angle!
    CJ: Hell yeah it would have.
    LM: I donít want to have to explain THAT one in conference call.
    VM: Shaneís a half-zombie, I wonder how HE feels about this.

    Shane to block.

    SM: Eh. Itís pretty mediocre.

    (edited by Excalibur05 on 26.8.03 0224)



One of your best thus far, man. Great job.
MARTYEWR
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#5 Posted on 26.8.03 0741.41
Reposted on: 26.8.10 0742.36
Good SaTire, as always, Matt, despite the fact that the real-life Raw was phoned in even more than usual last night.

The visual of Austinberg mutating back into two people has me in chuckles.



(edited by MARTYEWR on 26.8.03 0928)
IncredibleHeelHeat
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#6 Posted on 26.8.03 1040.58
Reposted on: 26.8.10 1059.22

    Originally posted by Excalibur05

    AB: Aw, man. Why couldnít you guys have let Olí StoneMan win?
    HHH: Itís in my contract. I CANíT let anyone else win. I keep trying to drop the belt to you, Shawn, Nash, Jericho, RockÖbut Vince wonít let me. Iím trying man. I even stayed the hell out of the match last night so that somebody else would win, but then Naitch got involvedÖI was confusedÖ.
    AB: Aw, shove it. You stole that trick from Eddie Guererro.
    EG: Yeah, HHHolmes!
    RO: How do you pronounce that? HeHeHolmes?
    Everybody: Shut up, Randy.
    RF: UhÖIím a 16 time world champion! I took all your old ladies on rides on Space Mountain last night fatboys! Wooo!
    HHH: Good one, Naitch! Anyway, Iím just going to stand around on RAW from now on, because I beat 5 guys last night, so I should get to take 5 PPVs off.
    AB: Hey, I beat most of those guys.
    HHH: Thatís it Austinberg, Iím challenging you! Unforgiven, if you arenít injured, weíll have a match. If you win, you get the title, if I win, you have to split up.
    AB: What? Split up? What? Thatís ridiculous. What? HHH, Youíre NEXT!
    HHH: Oh, God, I hate you Austinberg. PEDIGREE TO ORTON!




Next thing you know, they'll be living in upstate New York, building custom motorcycles.

Outstanding satire, Matt - had me in stitches all morning.
SchippeWreck
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#7 Posted on 26.8.03 1151.40
Reposted on: 26.8.10 1152.12

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    The Dudley Boyz are looking for Duke as the match starts, but I guess heís off hiding from the rest of the Joes. Find him, Shipwreck!


I'm on it!
*runs off*
uberlou
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#8 Posted on 26.8.03 1446.18
Reposted on: 26.8.10 1446.46
outstanding work. I loved the Eddie cameo, Hurricane/Jessie convo, and the Highlight Reel.

I would've really loved last night's RAW ending if Shane really did ask Camera Guy Dan to "pass the marshmallows".
FurryHippie
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#9 Posted on 26.8.03 2143.01
Reposted on: 26.8.10 2143.13

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Eric Bischoff and Jonathan Coachman are in the ring.

    EB: The heel turn of the year award goes to Coach.
    JC: Thanks for letting me out of my box.
    EB: Whatever, Coach.
    JC: So, is this like a Slammy, or what?
    EB: No. This is nothing like a Slammy. Now why did you turn heel?
    JC: Because you asked me to. Remember? You were like, ďCoach, turn heel!Ē
    EB: Oh, yeah. I was REALLY drunk that day.

    Chris Tian makes his way to the ring. Chris Tian? The hell?

    CT: Why did I come out here again?
    JC: Was it to talk to me?
    CT: No. Wait. I wanted to wrestle somebody for the Intercontinental Title.
    EB: Want to wrestle me?
    CT: Not really, no.

    Austinberg is out. The ring is really filling up.

    AB: This ring is really filling up.
    EB: What the hell is this segment about again?
    JC: I got an award for being better than J.R.
    AB: Right.
    CT: And I wanted to wrestle somebody.
    AB: What this segment needs is a semi-retired wrestler. Jerry Lawler, come on down!
    JL: Alright! Iím going to win a title!
    AB: Now I will give Coach the finger.

    Austinberg gives Coach the finger



The sad thing is, this is almost EXACTLY how it went in real life.
The Great Thomas
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#10 Posted on 27.8.03 1050.25
Reposted on: 27.8.10 1054.28
Ahhh... thank you, Matt, for taking a totally crappy show and making it enjoyable reading. I'd tip my hat to you... if I had one on at the present time.
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