The W
Views: 97621239
Main | FAQ | Search: Y! / G | Color chart | Log in for more!
23.7.07 2253
The 7 - Guest Columns - Smackdown (?) Satire 8/14
This thread has 1 referral leading to it
Register and log in to post!
(542 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
User
Post (10 total)
Excalibur05
Knackwurst
Level: 101

Posts: 1684/2923
EXP: 10681077
For next: 36635

Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 4 hours
Last activity: 4 hours
AIM:  
#1 Posted on 15.8.03 0154.38
Reposted on: 15.8.10 0154.40
Last Week: Uh…I dunno. I didn’t write one of these last week. Brock Lesner and Kurt Angle probably did some stuff. And more than likely, Vince McMahon came out and said some stuff. Stephanie wasn’t there I hear, but if she were, she would have done AND said some stuff. She’s a tour de force!! Like La Resistance!

(Opening Credits. Who the hell ARE these people? Oh…wait…This isn’t RAW. What the hell am I doing then?)

Here’s Vince McMahon out to talk. Actually, he’s just here to say that Kurt Angle is sitting at home watching the show (just like ME! Hey, maybe I’m Kurt Angle!! Uh…AND J.R. Uh…AND Matt Hocking. Yes. Call me Kurt Hoss. By gawd.) and that the REAL Brock Lesner is coming down. REAL Brock Lesner? Oh boy! This means that Paul Heyman will come back with FAKE Lesner, and they’ll have a huge angle over which one is the REAL REAL Brock Lesner. And Fake Brock Lesner can be played by Vader! Or maybe Tank Abbott, and then The Hurricane can come over from RAW and things will start getting Crazy Go Nuts! Oh, man! This angle will be the one that turns the tide for the WWE!! Brock doesn’t seem too thrilled with this idea. “Me…Champion?” Vince tells him, “No, Brock. Angle Champion.” Brock begins to cry, and Vince tries to calm him down.

Here’s Stephanie, maybe SHE can bring some wrestling to this show. Just kidding. That’s the other show that needs wrestling. Well, this segment’s going on twenty minutes. Am I watching RAW? No, otherwise Austinberg would have come out by now. Vince says that marrying Linda and having kids like Stephanie was a mistake. No doubt. Marrying a zombie can only lead to problems, and don’t get me started on the dangers of zombie kids. Especially ones that “owned” ECW. Vince books Stephanie in a match against A-Train, which of course is just what ANY wrestling show needs. I hope that this hot Stephanie v. A-Train feud continues on into SummerSlam! Brock grabs Stephanie’s wrist…awww…what a cute couple. Sorry, Hunter, but I think Brock and Steph were meant to be. A half-zombie and a half-wit. Stephanie asks if she shouldn’t be in charge of what gets booked and what doesn’t since she’s the GM, and Vince shushs her. Don’t break kayfabe, Steph!

(ads)

The World’s Greatest Tag Team v. Rey Misterio and Billy Kidman
For the WWE Tag Team Championships

Billy Kidman married Torrie Wilson, you know. I heard they might be having a kid soon. That’ll be neat. A bunch of little supermodel kids with oily hair running around. Those kids will have nice jeans. By that I mean nice jean shorts. Billy must have, like, a billion of those things. They should get random people to play Rey Misterio. Just for fun. Have, say, John Cena come out one week in the Rey Misterio mask. Hey, I’d PAY to see Big Show hit the 619 and the West Coast Pop. Also, this move would KILL Charlie Haas or Shelton Benjamin. This would be the only way that Rey and Billy would have any shot in hell of winning the Tag Team Titles. Charlie Haas’ armbands say “Ross”. Hey, write a letter to NBC, maybe they can get the Friends cast together for one more year. You shouldn’t be watching that show though, as this show is on at the same time. Man, is ANYTHING going to happen in this match? My mind has had a chance to wander…five…ten times. At least. Oh wait, Haas just pinned Kidman. That was great. I guess.

(ads)

Billy Gunn (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. Danny…or Possibly Doug Basham (w/ Uh…Other Basham and Shaniqua)

Is this the good Basham? I hope not, because this guy is…not good. Maybe it’s the Billy Gunness of the match that’s throwing me off? Hey! It’s Linda Miles! Eric Bischoff comes out to get him some Linda, but quickly realizes that it’s the wrong Linda. I guess Torrie isn’t pregnant. Or she’s teaching her kids to take bumps early. She should learn first. Anyway, Danny…errr…Donny scores the pin, and the Bashams continue their assault. Wow, lookit them stand there and throw weak punches at Billy and Torrie! Jamie Knoble and Nidia come out to make the save, but Jamie is too sad because Kevin Nash stole his toys, and he jobs to the other Basham…uh…Dag. Nidia and Shaniqua are in the corner.

SQ: Oh…geez.
ND: When you won Tough Enough, was this what you thought you’d get?
SQ: Nope.
ND: I mean, you’ve got the bondage dominatrix things going on.
SQ: And you’ve got…that trailer park slut thing.
ND: This sucks.
SQ: I’m hoping we get sent back to OVW.
ND: Yeah…that’d be great.

(ads)

Bradshaw and Ron Simmons are backstage drinking. Faarooq tells Bradshaw that they should restart the Acolytes, and try to get the Undertaker in on it, but Bradshaw is photoshopping some Shelton Benjamin porn. Faarooq is offended. Oh, who hasn’t tried to photoshop some Shelton Benjamin porn, every now and again? I mean…I never have. But I know that YOU have.

The Undertaker v. The Big Show

Wow, when I heard Smackdown was the workrate show, I never believed it, but now, I KNOW IT! Undertaker takes a page out of Randy Orton’s playbook and tries to let Big Show fall on his own. Undertaker sees A-Train trying to buy some bagels in the concessions area, and gets counted out! Stupid Taker. Stupid Albert is more like it, they don’t sell bagels in the concessions area. A-Train hits Undertaker with the big bag of popcorn. THAT’S his move!! Undertaker is down and salty.

(ads)

Medic Jones checks Undertaker for battle damage. I don’t think Undertaker’s groin is injured. Ok, that’s enough of this. This isn’t TNN or the Evolution. This is UPN, a family network. Bwhahahahahaha. Ok, but seriously, let’s get on with the show.

Hey! It’s Eddie Guererro! He’s driving his low rider golf cart down to the ring, because gas prices are INSANE these days. Eddie’s going to join the commentary team. Holy crap! It’s a midget! I thought wrestling midgets went out with Los Super Astros! This is the best Smackdown ever! Benoitcito on his way to the ring. Wait…you mean that’s the real thing. Holy crap. Oh…geez. He’s so tiny. Lil’ Chris Benoit. He’s on commentary too. “Hey! I’m Chris Benoit! Best Technical Wrestler! I’m the coolest! Toothless Agression!” “Tazz, isn’t he the cutest?” “Cole, if I didn’t hate children, I’d take him home with me.”

Tajiri v. Rhyno

Wow! It’s the ECW reunion show. Tommy Dreamer will be pissed that he missed it. Eddie and Benoit engage in a war of words, which results in Eddie saying “Esse, I can’t stay mad at you. Who’s the cutest technical wrestler? Yes you are, holmes. Yes you are.” Next week: Chris Benoit as Sherlock Holmes, The Greatest Technical Wrestler in a Stupid Hat who Fights Crime. Gregory Helms will be PISSED. Tajiri wins to continue this…feud…I guess. Where’s the run ins? I need run ins. Eddie tries to get back in his cart and Benoit throws a hissy fit. He wants a cart. Geez, not only is Benoit the same size as a 6 year old, he acts like one too.

(ads)

Zach Gowen v. John Cena

Hey! That guy has one leg. That’s crazy man. What’s his gimmick. Oh, “guy who has only one leg”. Wow. John Cena and Zach Gowen’s music starts exactly the same, and so they get stuck in the entryway trying to get out at the same time. Cena clocks Zach with his chain and gets to the ring first. Zach can’t get up, and he loses. Poor Zach. He’s a true inspiration to…uh…people who want to job. Cena treats us to a rap.

Yo Yo Yo, Zach you’ve got one leg
I like my apple pie to have a hint of nutmeg
I’m ready to win the WWE Title
Just like I won at the rap recital.
Undertaker got hit with some popcorn
Now I’m going to go watch Torrie do some soft porn.

Word Life, man. Word. Life.

Matt Hardy comes out and beats up Zach Gowen. Who has only one leg. Thanks for coming out tonight, Matt!! Matt Fact: Matt loves it when he doesn’t have to do anything, and still gets paid.

(ads)

Spanky, Funaki, and Orlando Jordon are having Smackdown’s weekly meeting of the jobbers, where they discuss where it was exactly that their careers went wrong. Spanky starts throwing carrot sticks in anger at the fact that he was almost over as the new Spike Dudley, when suddenly Zach Gowen shows up and steals his push. Vince gets hit with a carrot stick. Uh oh.

BK: Oops. Sorry, Vince.
VM: Who the hell are you?
BK: Brian Kedrick.
VM: Who?
BK: Spanky?
VM: Who?
BK: Ugh…from…uh…Velocity?
VM: Oh, Josh Matthews. What are you trying to do, Josh? Improve my eyesight?
BK: Your eyesight NEEDS improving after the XFL, VINCE!
VM: I don’t get it.
BK: Yeah. That made more sense in my head than it did out loud.
VM: That’s it, it’s Brock Lesner for you.

(ads)

Backstage….

BK: Aw, come on. It says “Brock Lesner v. Josh Matthews”.
JM: Nuh-uh. You got yourself into this mess, YOU get yourself out. I’m not a wrestler anymore.
BK: Dammit.
BL: Me Brock. Squash both.

Brock throws both guys down the ramp and gets them into the ring.

Spanky (w/ Josh Matthews) v. Brock Lesner

Josh goes out and hides behind Tazz, not an easy thing to do. If I were going to be a wrestler, I’d come up with a better name than Spanky. I would have thought Shawn Michaels would have warned him about stuff like that. Anyway, Spanky tries turning the match towards “wrestling”, but Brock is easily bored. Hey! This is just like when Brock used to beat up Jeff Hardy! Or Spike Dudley! Spanky is stealing Spike Dudley’s heat! Spike has heat to steal? Spanky should try harder. Brock is tired of looking like a bad ass so he just hits Spanky with a chair. That works. Unfortunately, it also means Spanky wins the match! Brock is sad. I’m sure Spanky will be happy to know that he won, just as soon as he regains consciousness.

(ads)

Vince McMahon is back out, and he says that just like Spanky, Stephanie McMahon is a man that looks like a girl. Wait…no…he just said that Stephanie was going to get beat up. Here’s Sable to make the ring introductions. Boy she looks good for 70. She must be dieting. Or maybe she’s been taking Staker 2, or that Stacker 2 Y2J stuff that HHH has been shilling. “For a body as undefined as Chris Jericho’s, drink Stacker 2 Y2J!”

A-Train v. Stephanie McMahon

THIS is your main event. Stephanie…she has the boobies. So does Albert. Stephanie busts out some old school Dragon Suplexes to start, but Albert uses his “being fat” technique to take over the match. Oh, man! This is the best match ever! Match of the Year! Stephanie tantilizes Albert with a bagel until Salty Undertaker can come out and deliver the Popcorn Bag Shot of Doom to A-Train! Salty Undertaker and Stephanie are back together! They’ve been together all along! The black wedding comes back to haunt us! Before they can make out to seal the deal, Big Show puts an end to all of this nonsense (and non-selling) by eating Salty Undertaker. That’s his move! A-Train gets up and falls over onto Stephanie for the win. Vince and Sable do a dance. I don’t get it.

Next Time: I dunno when I’m going to do one of these things again, but rest assured: No longer salty, The Undertaker will try to reclaim his yard from Chavo Guererro who has set up a tent there. Stephanie McMahon will realize that the only way Vince is EVER going to take her seriously is if she takes off her top…again. Oh, and Vince will do another dance. That guy seriously loves his dancing.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 15.8.03 0159)
Promote this thread!
It's False
Scrapple
Level: 137

Posts: 914/5993
EXP: 30831310
For next: 41623

Since: 20.6.02
From: I am the Tag Team Champions!

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 1 day
#2 Posted on 15.8.03 0238.14
Reposted on: 15.8.10 0238.16
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Yo Yo Yo, Zach you’ve got one leg
    I like my apple pie to have a hint of nutmeg
    I’m ready to win the WWE Title
    Just like I won at the rap recital.
    Undertaker got hit with some popcorn
    Now I’m going to go watch Torrie do some soft porn.

    Word Life, man. Word. Life.

    Matt Hardy comes out and beats up Zach Gowen. Who has only one leg. Thanks for coming out tonight, Matt!! Matt Fact: Matt loves it when he doesn’t have to do anything, and still gets paid.



More good Satire-ness! Especially the Matt Fact.

But is that a Matt Hardy Fact? Or a Matt Hocking Fact?

(edited by It's False on 15.8.03 0039)
Notorious F.A.B.
Pepperoni
Level: 65

Posts: 904/1052
EXP: 2302278
For next: 33362

Since: 4.2.02
From: Dudleyville's Gay Ghetto

Since last post: 3934 days
Last activity: 3920 days
AIM:  
#3 Posted on 15.8.03 0503.59
Reposted on: 15.8.10 0504.05
Good stuff! You should switch them up every couple of weeks (unless you're obligated to do Raw.)
tomvejada
Andouille
Level: 91

Posts: 2196/2247
EXP: 7212778
For next: 256163

Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 3982 days
Last activity: 3982 days
#4 Posted on 15.8.03 0636.36
Reposted on: 15.8.10 0639.16
Very funny satire.

Among some of the highlights were "The Fake Brock Lesnar", Salty Undertaker, and the meeting of the jobbers.

I hope this isn't the last Smackdown Satire. Keep up the good work.
spf
Scrapple
Level: 132

Posts: 2268/5401
EXP: 26877239
For next: 254765

Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 10 hours
AIM:  
#5 Posted on 15.8.03 0912.15
Reposted on: 15.8.10 0912.28
The Brian Kendrick/Josh Matthews stuff was golden...truly golden.
SchippeWreck
Banger
Level: 96

Posts: 488/2632
EXP: 8685447
For next: 303372

Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, CA

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 8 hours
#6 Posted on 15.8.03 1239.14
Reposted on: 15.8.10 1245.35

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Next week: Chris Benoit as Sherlock Holmes, The Greatest Technical Wrestler in a Stupid Hat who Fights Crime. Gregory Helms will be PISSED.

I was laughing so hard at this that I was CRYING.

You picked a bad show to start with, but then, bad show=good satire.
uberlou
Merguez
Level: 54

Posts: 316/712
EXP: 1221975
For next: 11902

Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, Cali

Since last post: 1526 days
Last activity: 1297 days
AIM:  
#7 Posted on 15.8.03 1531.42
Reposted on: 15.8.10 1534.25
too many standout parts to name. that was some good stuff. And I was laughing so hard at the end, I thought I was gonna bust my gut and barely got thru the last couple of lines.

Excellent work once again.

Big Bad
Scrapple
Level: 145

Posts: 1961/6712
EXP: 37230160
For next: 374012

Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 8 hours
#8 Posted on 16.8.03 1248.10
Reposted on: 16.8.10 1248.13
Charlie Haas actually has 'Russ' on his wristbands, in a tribute to his deceased brother....or, possibly to that episode of Friends where Rachel started going out with Russ, who looked and acted exactly like Ross.

Great satire.
Excalibur05
Knackwurst
Level: 101

Posts: 1686/2923
EXP: 10681077
For next: 36635

Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 4 hours
Last activity: 4 hours
AIM:  
#9 Posted on 17.8.03 0104.07
Reposted on: 17.8.10 0104.13

    Originally posted by Big Bad
    Charlie Haas actually has 'Russ' on his wristbands, in a tribute to his deceased brother....



      Oh, I know, but a joke about a dead brother wouldn't be very funny.
Net Hack Slasher
Banger
Level: 100

Posts: 1422/2805
EXP: 10055181
For next: 299251

Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 3498 days
Last activity: 1918 days
#10 Posted on 18.8.03 1138.33
Reposted on: 18.8.10 1139.08
Some real funny stuff, some standouts for me were

-REAL Brock Lesner? Oh boy! This means that Paul Heyman will come back with FAKE Lesner, and they’ll have a huge angle over which one is the REAL REAL Brock Lesner

Real clever

-Billy Gunn (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. Danny…or Possibly Doug Basham (w/ Uh…Other Basham and Shaniqua)...
Is this the good Basham? I hope not, because this guy is…not good


I have no clue which ones which either. But Cole/Tazz says one of them is more wacky, don't know who LoL

-but Jamie is too sad because Kevin Nash stole his toys

Good job in interplaying the silver briefcase from Noble from Vengance and the latest Raw with Nash.

Also liked -Stephanie…she has the boobies. So does Albert. Stephanie busts out some old school Dragon Suplexes to start, but Albert uses his “being fat” technique to take over the match... Very difficult to counter the "being fat" technique
ALL ORIGINAL POSTS IN THIS THREAD ARE NOW AVAILABLE
Thread ahead: Raw Audio Report - August 18/2003
Next thread: Internet Wrestling Syndicate results Born to Bleed
Previous thread: NWA TNA: August 13, 2003
(542 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
The 7 - Guest Columns - Smackdown (?) Satire 8/14Register and log in to post!

The W™ message board - 7 year recycle

ZimBoard
©2001-2014 Brothers Zim
This old hunk of junk rendered your page in 0.15 seconds.