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The 7 - Video Games - EWR 4.0 Satire
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 1.8.03 0029.36
Reposted on: 1.8.10 0034.43
I'm back! Here's a week in review for EWR Satire!!

>HOT EWR Tip from the EWR Master: EDIT ALL YOUR WRESTLERS: Get this, you can get a 100/100/100 Funaki working for you for FREE! Come on, man! That's awesome! I've used this method to create Austinberg. I call this technique "Giving him the hundreds". And if somebody tells you it's cheating, kick them in the shins.

>HOT EWR Tip from the EWR Master Version 2: Plus, if you REALLY like the current WWE roster, make everyone unsackable! That way you'll never have to worry about losing Bill DeMott.

>HOT EWR Tip from the EWR Master Version 2.1: Oh, and bring a short novel, the first loading screen takes FOREVER. I suggest Curious George Sues the Man in the Yellow Hat for Sexual Assault. It's a suspence thriller.

>Wait! It's loaded! It's time to start my week by checking my e-mail! AH! A Zombie! Ok. That was scary. Let's check my web page.

- Austinberg is WWE For Life. Whew. That's a relief. Wait, is this like nWo 4 Life, where they said that and then were out two months later? I hope not...

-The only person that is impressing anyone is "talented, young Brock Lesner". I need to find this guy and replace my "boring, charismaless Brock Lesner" with him!

-According to Adam Ryland, the WWE hasn't had any discussions with Hulk Hogan. WHY NOT!? HE'S A HOSS! He's over in Montreal!! Somebody have a discussion with him. Quick!

>Back to my e-mail...AH! Wait...that's just Linda. Phew. I have her full support! Great! I'd like a million dollar raise. Linda? Linda? Hello?

>My sponsors are Nike (so that I can get all sorts of free Nike crap), Virgin Mobile (for the Phone Call Angle), PS2 and Nintendo. Oh no! Battle of the Sponsors! I'll make a match at Wrestlemania to settle this one!

>I've decided that I should make Booker T a manager. It just seems like the thing to do. You know?

>HOT EWR Tip from the EWR Master Version 2.4: Make EVERYONE a manager! OMG! Managers NEVER complain about not being on a show or their position on the card. It'll be great. Trust me.

>It's time for Velocity. I've never heard of this show that I created for Smackdown wrestlers to have a second show. I just figured Chris Jericho will book it. He'll do fine.

>Chris needs 10 wrestlers to book a card. I give him Bill Demott, Bossman, Funaki, Bradshaw, Kanyon, Zach Gowen, Ultimo Dragon, Mark Henry, Hardcore Holly and Gail Kim. I hope Hardcore is recovered enough from his injury! Hey that should be an AWESOME card, good luck Chris Jericho.

>Linda McMahon calls my running of the promotion "average". Oh, shove it you old biddy. I'm awesome.

> I've changed the WWE back to it's original name! The World Wildlife Fund! Look for the WWF tour to roll into your town!

Woah! It's time for HHHeat! I'll book this one because it features all my favorite hot RAW superstars!

1. Big Show wins a "Loser Gets Fired" Battle Royal.
-The Dames gives this match a -*. That sucks. Big
Show tried really hard to beat Spike Dudley in the
finals.
2. Triple H cuts a promo promoting himself. It's
HHHeat!! I should have let HIM book this one.
3. Batista d. Gail Kim (w/ Special Guest Referee HHH)
-Triple H's post match beat down of Gail helped this
match reach the unattainable heights of 1/2*s!
4. Lance Storm Cubed d. Rob Van Dam cleanly.
-TWO WHOLE STARS! This is undeniable proof that Lance
Storm is main event material!
5. Folks, it's time for "In Your Dreamer" with your party
host Tommy Dreamer! Unfortunately, his guests Stevie
Richards and The Rock tear up his set. Poor Tommy. At
least he got 2 points of overness. Stevie got 3 points
for putting Rock through the TommyTron Two
6. Tommy Dreamer d. Rodney Mack
-Tommy makes his mark on the WWF when he beats the
unbeatable Rodney Mack. Theodore Long was unavailable.
7. See, because Molly is backstage hitting on him. Wow!
Teddy Long is the pimp daddy! BELEE DAT!
8. Coach Nash d. Rico
-I think this will be the start of a hot feud that will
resurrect the industry!
9. Scott Steiner d. Randy Orton when Stacy runs in to help
him
-Steiner shakes hands with Stacy after this AWESOME
contest. Dames gives it a 1/4* because of a Sole
bright spot. Sole? Oh! Somebody has a foot fetish
for Stacy!
10. StoneMan Still Austinberg introduces himself as an
authority. He's a true legend of the industry!
11. HHH d. Chris Jericho (cleanly of course)
-HHH really wanted this match on the card, I think.
Especially after he used creative control to block
me from giving the World Title to Tommy Dreamer. I'm
sad, however, that the match only got a 70% crowd
rating. I figured they'd LOVE to see HHH win a match.

>According to my Road Agent, HHH and Chris Jericho didn't "click". I don't get it. It's not like I asked them to make out. Hmm...in the future, I will set up that angle though. Maybe they'll click if they find love with eachother.

>Tommy Dreamer and Rodney Mack have great chemestry together. That's no surprise, Tommy has great chemistry with everybody. Everybody loves Tommy.

>Lance is a big whiny baby who can't wrestle RVD without complaining that he was working stiff. I hope Lance never works stiff, because that could get distracing.

>I fired Kurt Angle so that he could go be in the Olympics. America needs you Kurt!
-Edge and Christian are sad now. Sorry guys, but I
can't help that your Canadian wrestler will lose now.

>I fired Chris Benoit, because, let's face it. The guy can't be cool if he tried, and the World Wildlife Fund is for cool people only. Like Spike Dudley. Apparently EVERYONE is sad because now Scott Keith will give them bad reviews.

>Fired Big Show. You know, because he lost his match. Billy Gunn and Shane McMahon couldn't be sadder. Oh come on guys, cheer up, there's more room at the buffet table now!

>My current main event feuds: HHH/Gail Kim (a rocket busta to be sure!), Tommy Dreamer/Randy Orton (Soon to be for the WORLD TITLE~!) and La Croisants/HBK and Kevin Nash! That last one is because the tag division needs more old people!

>It's TIME for RAW! Omg! I hope this show rock hard so I can save my slowly dying company!

1. Rico/Test d. Hurricane and Rosey
-Hurricane fell out of the ring and Rosey enveloped
him in fat rolls, and since Rosey couldn't get up
because he was too fat, so they got counted out.
What a SHOCKING SWERVE!
2. Kane performs the FIVE STAR FROGSPLASH on RVD! That's awesome! I knew you could do it, Kane!
3. Tommy Dreamer d. William Regal in a match that literally set the world on fire. Sorry about that, Cambodia.
4. Kevin Nash d. Chris Jericho (despite attempted interference from Ric Flair)
-Chris cries after the match. This is too much like
the real show. Maybe I should fire my writers.
5. Ivory catches Jackie Gayda hitting on Theodore Long. You're the Man, Theodore. The only person who can hold YOU down is YOU.
6. Victoria d. Trish Stratus and Jazz.
-Trish tried to get out of losing this match. What the
hell, Trish? You've lost to Victoria, like, 900 times.
I'm sure just one more isn't going to kill you.
Unless it does! Dun Dun DUN!
7. The Evolution has an in ring interview to talk smack about Spike Dudley. Oo! They're shooting for the big stars now! Look out, Mark Henry! You're NEXT!!
8. Kane d. Maven
-The Dames seems to hate Maven for some reason, calling
every other move of his "sloppy". That's mean.
9. La Croisants d. Lita/Stacy
-It's Lita's BIG Return Match!! Stacy loses a point of
overness, and La Resistance gain points. I can't
believe I let my darling Stacy lose a match! Damn you,
Lita!
10. Al Snow is out for a MAJOR announcement Scott Steiner will face Stevie Richards at the next "Big Event". I guess Al Snow is a new GM as well! Adjust your predicted buyrate accordingly.
11. Stone Man Still Austinberg d. Triple H for the World Title because he can. HHH must be crying into Stephanie's bountiful busoms.

> According to "Road Agent", Triple H and Austinberg didn't click either. Well, now, anybody who can't click with Austinberg doesn't deserve to be in the main event.

>Kane doesn't like Maven either. That's not nice. Maven looks like The Rock. Kane said he would rather feud with somebody like Buh Buh Dudley. What the hell? That's a real cheap shot on Maven there Kane. Reeeeeeal professional.

>Rosey thinks he should be higher on the card. ... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

>Writers say that Chavo needs a new gimmick.

>Fired Chavo. New Gimmick: Unemployed Schmoe. Eddie and Bill Demott aren't thrilled with this. Oh, whatever you two. Do YOU want to write a gimmick for him? I thought not.

>Hired Jeff Hardy to take his place.

>Shannon Moore, Hurricane, Lita and Matt Hardy are SO happy to see a drugged out, spot blowin' Jeff Hardy all up on the roster.

>COMING SOON: The Return of EVIL PIMP Jeff Hardy for his big feud with The Playa Teddy Long.

>I signed Alexis Laree to a $300,000/mo deal with creative control. That'll make her want me.

> I now present to you HHH books Smackdown (featuring Alexis Laree, A-Train, Matt Hardy, Ultimo Dragon =secretly HHH under a mask=, HHH, Bradshaw, Lita, Billy Kidman, Kane, and Scotty 2 Hotty)

>What an AWESOME Smackdown! I bet the wrestling "r0x0r".

>UPN complained to me about the RISK on my show. They played RISK? Damn. And I wasn't invited? I could totally beat A-Train at RISK.

That's it for a week in the life of RAW Satire. Tune in next time I have enough time to put one of these together for continuing coverage of this ongoing project!

(edited by Excalibur05 on 1.8.03 0145)

(edited by Excalibur05 on 1.8.03 0146)
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The Great Thomas
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#2 Posted on 1.8.03 0131.32
Reposted on: 1.8.10 0136.49
Oh jeez... I love these things! I was laughing so hard at the Linda jokes! Please do more soon!
Ubermonkeys
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#3 Posted on 1.8.03 0303.35
Reposted on: 1.8.10 0304.27
"In Your Dreamer" totally needs to happen. 4 REAL. I want badly to have an interview show on Raw, but can't think of anything better than a remake of Madame's Place with Rico.

(image removed)

MARTYEWR
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#4 Posted on 1.8.03 0845.30
Reposted on: 1.8.10 0847.03

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Kane doesn't like Maven either. That's not nice. Maven looks like The Rock. Kane said he would rather feud with somebody like Buh Buh Dudley. What the hell? That's a real cheap shot on Maven there Kane. Reeeeeeal professional.


While beta-testing, I actually did a Kane v. Bubba Ray feud. They ended up getting an incredible 87% match on PPV, with Dames giving it ***3/4.

Conclusion: Kane v. Bubba Ray Dudley feuds RULE!

Great start to the Satire, Matt!
A-MOL
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#5 Posted on 1.8.03 0858.15
Reposted on: 1.8.10 0859.02

    Originally posted by MARTYEWR

      Originally posted by Excalibur05
      Kane doesn't like Maven either. That's not nice. Maven looks like The Rock. Kane said he would rather feud with somebody like Buh Buh Dudley. What the hell? That's a real cheap shot on Maven there Kane. Reeeeeeal professional.


    While beta-testing, I actually did a Kane v. Bubba Ray feud. They ended up getting an incredible 87% match on PPV, with Dames giving it ***3/4!



'Damn, it Adam. Back to the drawing board...'
MARTYEWR
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#6 Posted on 1.8.03 0954.06
Reposted on: 1.8.10 0955.16
That's actually what I told him when he mentioned to me how he beta-tested with NWATNA, and had 78% match segment involving Bull Buchanan of all people...
J. Kyle
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#7 Posted on 2.8.03 0047.01
Reposted on: 2.8.10 0049.24

    Originally posted by MARTYEWR
    That's actually what I told him when he mentioned to me how he beta-tested with NWATNA, and had 78% match segment involving Bull Buchanan of all people...
Buchanon RULES when he lets loose. RULES I say. Springboard clothesline like a motherfucker!
12characters
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#8 Posted on 4.8.03 0334.29
Reposted on: 4.8.10 0336.34
That was hilarious. When someone wants to feud with Buh Buh Ray Dudley instead of you then you may as well hang it up.
The King of Keith
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#9 Posted on 4.8.03 1954.51
Reposted on: 4.8.10 1957.06

    Originally posted by Ubermonkeys
    "In Your Dreamer" totally needs to happen. 4 REAL. I want badly to have an interview show on Raw, but can't think of anything better than a remake of Madame's Place with Rico.

    (image removed)




Holy crap. I'd give up everything else I do and build a real shrine to the WWE if they did this. Seriously.
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