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The 7 - Guest Columns - Canadian Bulldog; Inside the Ropes
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Guru Zim
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#1 Posted on 8.5.03 1417.24
Reposted on: 8.5.10 1418.31
INSIDE THE ROPES

May 8, 2003 Edition



I'm Canadian Bulldog and welcome to the premiere edition of `Inside the Ropes'. Itís a look at all the latest backstage gossip and rumors from WWE and the other big wrestling federations. So as my old friend Gorilla Monsoon used to say, get all that good stuff out of the fridge and read on:


This just in! The Intercontinental Title is being brought out of mothballs for a special title defense at WWE Judgement Day! According to BRAND NEW Raw commissioner Stone Cold Steve Austin, two former Intercontinental champions will enter the ring, with another former Intercontinental champion entering the ring every two minutes. That sounds like a surefire recipe for success to me!
Who will win the big belt? All eyes are squarely focused on Edge, arguably the winningest I-C champ of all time. Stay tuned!
Credit: wwe.com


What's the hottest feud in pro wrestling today? It would have to be the rising tensions between Triple HHH and Big Sexy Kevin Nash! I don't know about you, but I can't wait for these two to tear into each other. Few may remember that these are both former members of the notorious Kliq faction, and so there has to be some kind of history to their infighting. I say, let 'em at each other!

And while we're on the subject of dream matches, who among us WOULDN'T want to see the epic showdown between Bill Goldenberg and Stone Cold Steve Austin? Now that they're both in the WWE, you just know that they're waiting for a big show to put this matchup on.
Credit: Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter. For subscription details, visit: http://www.liveaudiowrestling.com/wo

Les Guerreros continue to impress me with their hilarious `Cheat To Win' sketches. Someone sign these guys to a sitcom deal, Pronto!

Speaking of Big Show, rumor has it that he's in BIG TIME TROUBLE for using Rey Mysterio as a baseball bat at the end of their classic Blacklash bout! Vince MacMahon himself told Show that he has to slow down his action a little bit so that tiny guys like Rey Rey don't get hurt in the ring. On a sidenote, I hope that Rey is all right? That bump he took from Show looked BRUTAL!
Credit:a1wrestling.com

Anyone know where The Berserker is these days? Just wondering.....

From the "Where Are They Now" files: Ever wonder what happened to some of your favorite ex-WWE performers, such as D-Lo Brown, Scott Hall, Raven, Justin Incredible and Curt Hennig? They're all wrestling in a new upstart promotion known as TNA:NWA! It's an exciting show run by former WWF mastermind Vince Russo and airs every week on pay-per-view. Rumor has it that their cruiserweight group, known as the X2 division, features some of the best wrestling you've never seen!
Credit: Scotsman's Website


Spoiler Alert: Scroll past the next section if you don't want to be surprised.

------------------------------------------------------------





















Mr. America is really Hulk Hogan under a hood!

















--------------------------------------------------------



Shocking, huh? Can't wait to see how that plays out.
Credit: ddtdigest.com



Feud alert! Scott Steiner and Test are ready to turn on each other any day now. Remember where you read it first!

What exactly is Eric Bischoff's problem? Why is this guy so bitter?

With the recent wave of wrestling books out there these days, I felt it was finally time to start reading one! So yours truly headed over the used bookstore last week and what did I find? A book called `The Complete Idiot's Guide to Professional Wrestling'! While I'm not a complete idiot, I found the guide to be very helpful. It's written by former WWF manager Sergeant Lou Albano, whom some of us older fans may remember as The Grand Wizard way back when.
Anyways, even though this book was written in 1999, its still fascinatingly relevant today. It's great for picking up insider jargon, history and tips on attending wrestling events. I anticipate many hours on the couch thumbing through this gem!


Item! Although everyone knows that Jeff Hardy was released by the WWE, do we really no why? The scorching hot rumor right now is that he was actually FIRED for drug abuse! While his brothers Matt and Crash Hardy are denying this awful rumor, it would explain his bizarre clothes and face-painting.
Credit: ultimatewarrior.com

Finally, let's close out our debut column with a few questions from my fans. Let's open up the virtual mailbag:

Q: With the WWE currently on a nostalgia kick, hiring back Piper, Sable, Goldberg and The Legion of Doom, who will be the next `classic' superstar to return?
A: That depends on which era you're talking about. From the `Federation Years', there's Ken Patera, Bobby The Heenan, S.D. Jones, Kingharley Race and not many others. From the `Attitude' era, you've got Brutus Beefcake, Road Doggy Dog, Billy Gunn, and that fat woman who beat up Alexandra Blayze. From the `Now' era, there's Bryan Clarke, Brian Adams and Adam Bomb.

Q: Do you know where The Berserker is these days?
A: Great question! But I have no idea.

Q: When is The Rock going back to Hollywood?
A: I think he'll be around for some time to come. Remember, last year he told anyone who didn't like the WWF to `Go the F Out'. Plus he's in the middle of a RED-HOT program with Golbderg right now. So I don't think you've seen the last of the Great One.

Q: What's the difference between `gig' and `blade'.
A: Inside the business, those are two very different terms. Blading is an ancient form of making your opponent blade by forcing a razor blade into his head. Sounds awful, huh? They've done away with the practice, using some other form of magic. Gig refers to a concert.

Okay, that about does it for this edition of `Inside The Ropes'. Have any questions? Comments? News? Send it my way to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. Thanks for listening!
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Excalibur05
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#2 Posted on 8.5.03 1436.12
Reposted on: 8.5.10 1438.09
It's cute...in a "Hot Newz" kind of way...
Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#3 Posted on 8.5.03 1918.56
Reposted on: 8.5.10 1919.10
And a Jackie Harvey kind of way.
CANADIAN BULLDOG
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#4 Posted on 8.5.03 1942.11
Reposted on: 8.5.10 1943.02

    Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson Lund
    And a Jackie Harvey kind of way.

It's very funny you guys mention that -- when I sent in the column to Guru Zim, I mentioned the thing was heavily influenced by both The Onion and Hot Newz.
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#5 Posted on 8.5.03 2146.33
Reposted on: 8.5.10 2159.01
I'm not feeling it.



    Q: Do you know where The Berserker is these days?
    A: Great question! But I have no idea.


I liked that one, though.

Overall, it was just "eh". Sorry.
dMr
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#6 Posted on 9.5.03 1031.42
Reposted on: 9.5.10 1035.14
Overall it was certainly above average but it lacked a couple of real laugh out loud moments to make it great.

Still a pretty good column with lots of potential (that probably sounds much more patronising than intended, sorry) though.
Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#7 Posted on 9.5.03 1445.29
Reposted on: 9.5.10 1446.16
Yeah, probably the same thing happened with my comment. As long as you're consciously doing the Jackie Harvey thing, I can't complain. I was worried you were unconsciously doing it.

That said, I got a couple of good laughs. The biggest was the same gag that Spiff laughed at. Give it two or three more shots and see if you can develop it a bit. I think people will enjoy it more once you relax into it and find your own voice/general tone. Some running gags are always good: Excalibur lives by the running gag, and he's doing pretty well!
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#8 Posted on 9.5.03 1452.58
Reposted on: 9.5.10 1457.12

    Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson Lund
    Yeah, probably the same thing happened with my comment. As long as you're consciously doing the Jackie Harvey thing, I can't complain. I was worried you were unconsciously doing it.

    That said, I got a couple of good laughs. The biggest was the same gag that Spiff laughed at. Give it two or three more shots and see if you can develop it a bit. I think people will enjoy it more once you relax into it and find your own voice/general tone. Some running gags are always good: Excalibur lives by the running gag, and he's doing pretty well!



Thanks for the comments... So in your opinion, do you think I should continue on? Wasn't sure, just because of the mixed reaction thus far... By the way, everyone, thanks for the feedback through the board, email, etc. Much appreciated.
Excalibur05
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#9 Posted on 9.5.03 1621.24
Reposted on: 9.5.10 1628.24
Do it a few more times to see if you can't work yourself into the gimmick. Jeb's right, alot of what I do is funny, if only because I keep doing it, enough times that it becomes funny (but don't OVER do it, either).

The only thing I would caution you about is that there are alot of people who've gone where you are going. Alot of very funny people. You have to find a niche or style all your own, or else you'll just get lost as a mediocre version of "those other guys" (even if you aren't, it's easy to make those comparisons, especially since Hot Newz is based here).

I was very concious when I started the Satire about GH&Joe's old Raw Recaps, even though I didn't know how many people were familiar with them. I tried to seperate my style enough and my jokes enough from theirs so that the comparison would be very hard to make. You've got to do the same thing. The fact that Jeb and I were able to pull out your influences right away is telling. You've got to get away from being a tribute column to them, and making something of your own. How you do that? That's your job.

Like I said, I thought it was cute, but it borrowed too much of it's style from other places. Keep writing and see if you can't come up with an original format for your material.
FurryHippie
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#10 Posted on 10.5.03 1931.33
Reposted on: 10.5.10 1935.16

    Originally posted by Guru Zim
    This just in! The Intercontinental Title is being brought out of mothballs for a special title defense at WWE Judgement Day! According to BRAND NEW Raw commissioner Stone Cold Steve Austin, two former Intercontinental champions will enter the ring, with another former Intercontinental champion entering the ring every two minutes. That sounds like a surefire recipe for success to me!
    Who will win the big belt? All eyes are squarely focused on Edge, arguably the winningest I-C champ of all time. Stay tuned!

    From the `Attitude' era, you've got Brutus Beefcake, Road Doggy Dog, Billy Gunn, and that fat woman who beat up Alexandra Blayze.



I think I'm just an idiot but I don't understand the humor of the first paragraph. Is this some sort of news parody or what?

Secondly, the fat woman who beat up Alundra Blayze (Bertha Faye) is dead. Wait, was that the joke? I'm confused.
OlFuzzyBastard
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#11 Posted on 10.5.03 2021.03
Reposted on: 10.5.10 2024.32

    Originally posted by Guru Zim
    Q: What's the difference between `gig' and `blade'.
    A: Inside the business, those are two very different terms. Blading is an ancient form of making your opponent blade by forcing a razor blade into his head. Sounds awful, huh? They've done away with the practice, using some other form of magic. Gig refers to a concert.



I liked that one a lot. It's different enough from Hot Newz that I think both can exist. Hot Newz is more of a parody of those awful newsboards, whereas this reads like an issue of the Wrestling Observer after Meltzer finally has the lobotomy.
bubblesthechimp
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#12 Posted on 10.5.03 2052.42
Reposted on: 10.5.10 2055.07
    Originally posted by FurryHippie

      Originally posted by Guru Zim
      This just in! The Intercontinental Title is being brought out of mothballs for a special title defense at WWE Judgement Day! According to BRAND NEW Raw commissioner Stone Cold Steve Austin, two former Intercontinental champions will enter the ring, with another former Intercontinental champion entering the ring every two minutes. That sounds like a surefire recipe for success to me!
      Who will win the big belt? All eyes are squarely focused on Edge, arguably the winningest I-C champ of all time. Stay tuned!

      From the `Attitude' era, you've got Brutus Beefcake, Road Doggy Dog, Billy Gunn, and that fat woman who beat up Alexandra Blayze.



    I think I'm just an idiot but I don't understand the humor of the first paragraph. Is this some sort of news parody or what?

    Secondly, the fat woman who beat up Alundra Blayze (Bertha Faye) is dead. Wait, was that the joke? I'm confused.



I'm guessing that mention of edge as a) The winningest I-C champ of all time and B) Edge as a partipant in the BR is where the humor's at.

EDIT: Where's my colour?!

(edited by bubblesthechimp on 10.5.03 2154)
LeechOfTheNight
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#13 Posted on 12.5.03 1247.08
Reposted on: 12.5.10 1251.39
I thought it was funny, but like dMr said, lacked the laugh out load moments. Definately give it a few more shots.
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#14 Posted on 13.5.03 1938.04
Reposted on: 13.5.10 1939.57
FurryHippy asks:

    I think I'm just an idiot but I don't understand the humor of the first paragraph. Is this some sort of news parody or what?

The joke is that the "author" is clueless and a complete yes-man to boot. (Not Canadian Bulldog mind you, but the "author" ... ahhhh falling into the post-modern pit of endless digressions)

Having a wrestling writer say: "According to BRAND NEW Raw commissioner Stone Cold Steve Austin, two former Intercontinental champions will enter the ring, with another former Intercontinental champion entering the ring every two minutes. That sounds like a surefire recipe for success to me!"

is the equivilent of an Entertainment Weekly writer saying: "According to my sources at Sony entertainment, Keanu Reeves is starring in a movie this spring in which he fights evil within a computer with lots of Hong Kong-inspired fight scenes. That sounds like a surefire recipe for success to me!"

You see, the humour is based on how clueless the "author" is ... he describes the Royal Rumble to a T, but doesn't realize it, then brightly declares it a good idea (well duh). Now that I think about it, the humour comes from the author being so completely clueless that he goes all the way around to being correct.

God, describing how a joke is funny really, really kills it, doesn't it?

Great job, CanBull. Keep it up for a few months anyways and see if you can get into a groove.


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