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The 7 - Guest Columns - Raw Satire Survey
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

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#1 Posted on 2.5.03 1801.45
Reposted on: 2.5.10 1805.09
Everybody is going Poll Crazy! We here at the Raw Satire home offices know that the true measure of success is to get on board the trend train and ride it until it derails. To this effect, we’ve come up with this unbiased and well-written survey that will help us to write columns that fit better to YOUR standards. To be fair to our differently minded readers, we’ve included questions about Smackdown, too. If you’ve never heard of Smackdown, neither have I, but I hear it’s on UPN some time between Buffy and Friday. Remember, here at Raw Satire: We Care…Kinda.

Part I: Roster
Your thoughts on the current state of the roster:

1) How much HHH is too much?
a) I’m on to you! This is a trick question. There is NO amount of the wondrous
splendor that is too much.
b) I don’t know. One whole RAW of just him isn’t so bad. Maybe two is stretching it.
c) HHH is the best. I named all my children Triple H.
d) No. Wait…does that mean no as in No HHH is too much or no amount of HHH is too much? I’m confused (*note: If you’re confused, select option “a”)

2) Who is your favorite professional wrestler?
a) Triple H
b) Hunter Hearst Helmsley
c) HHH
d) All of the above

3) Ok, enough about HHH, WWE shows need:
a) A little more Kane
b) A LITTLE more Kane
c) A little MORE Kane
d) A little more KANE

4) Which of these losers should NOT be WWE Champion:
a) Booker T
b) Chris Jericho
c) Rob Van Dam
d) Chris Benoit

5) The WWE roster needs less:
a) Cruiserweights
b) Divas who are able to wrestle
c) Kane
d) Pure wrestlers (i.e. Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle, etc.)

Part II: Multiple Choice
Complete the following sentences with your best answer. If your best answer isn’t available, mark “c”. Everybody knows that’s always the answer.

6) Kevin Nash has
a) A wide and varied moveset
b) Beautiful hair
c) The heart of a champion
d) A winning personality

7) It’s good the WWE fired Jeff Hardy, he was
a) Blowing too many spots
b) A loser
c) Pasty
d) Sqweeeeeeel! We’re coming to get you!!

8) When I think “rugged” I think
a) Spike Dudley
b) Trish Stratus
c) Shannon Moore
d) Jonathan Coachman…in a cowboy hat

9) The McMahon I want to see get 20 minutes on TV every week is
a) Vince
b) Linda
c) Stephanie
d) HHH
e) Shane

10) When I think “Urban/Hip Hop/Funk” I think
a) John Cena
b) That white guy on Smackdown who raps
c) The Prototype
d) RAW Superstar Busta Rhymes

Part III: Either/Or
In the following questions, you will be asked to choose between two situations. Pick the one that you think will make us the most money (we’re counting on you! Fifi the Raw Satire Poodle is going hungry!)

11) Who should be writing RAW?
a) Stephanie McMahon
b) Brian Gewirtz (sp? Never mind, we’ll clear it up in post production. Post what? Oops)

12) Who should be writing Smackdonw?
a) Stephanie McMahon
b) Fifi the Raw Satire Poodle (*note: Fifi’s dislikes are short Canadians. Fifi enjoys long walks in the park, eating a well balanced diet, and A-Train)

13) Seriously though, you’d buy a HHH shirt if it said “HHH is my Favorite Wrestler” on
the front and had a picture of Stephanie on the back, right?
a) Yes
b) Definitely

14) Ratings are down because
a) It’s not WWE’s fault, it’s mine.
b) Too little Kane

15) Goldberg recently complained about selling for cruiserweights. He is
a) Right
b) Steve Austin

Part IV: Word Association
We’ll give you a word or phrase and you tell us the first thing that comes to mind. Provided of course what comes to your mind is one of the answers we give you.

16) Intercontinental Championship
a) Unnecessary
b) I’m glad it’s gone
c) Midcarders don’t need their own title
d) I like the Women’s Title more

17) Stephanie McMahon
a) Hot
b) A Great Writer
c) Good Actor
d) One or Two of the Above

18) A-Train
a) The future of the business
b) Awesome in the ring.
c) Having backhair is a GREAT gimmick!
d) The only reason to watch Smackdown

19) Word Life
a) This is basic Thuganomics.
b) HHH
c) What does that mean exactly?
d) I don’t watch Smackdown

20) Steve Austin
a) Old
b) Crippled
c) Goldberg
d) Old and Crippled
e) All of the above

Part V: Raw Satire Products
Finally, we’ll ask for your opinions on some exciting upcoming products from our crack team here at RAW Satire.

21) Would you be interested in a RAW Satire phone featuring RAW Satire rings, games and backstage news?
a) Yes
b) You bet
c) All Day
d) Yes, and in fact I’d pay a million billion dollars.

22) Wouldn’t it be cool if we made a phone, which instead of ringing, said “What?” until you answered it?
a) That’d be awesome
b) I need this item to survive
c) No, seriously, I need it to survive!!
d) Ack!
e) All of the above
Too bad we’ve got no plans on making that, huh?

23) What changes could we make to the website?
a) Biased and inaccurate news meant solely to draw hits
b) Banner ads in between every word
c) Promises of pictures of naked Divas and/or actual Photoshopped pictures of naked Divas
d) A permanent picture of Kane
e) Special auto-formatting that changes every use of the word “Benoit” to “HHH” (as in “HHH is the best wrestler in the world. HHH deserves an extended title run after all he’s given to the business)

24) If there were RAW Satire T-Shirts, I would buy
a) One for me and one for my significant other
b) One for me and one for each of my family members
c) 100-300
d) 100,000-300,000

25) You’d buy anything we come up with wouldn’t you, you pathetic needy bastards.
a) Pretty much

Thank you for your time. These survey results will have no impact whatsoever on the product. So, basically you’ve wasted your time. But wasn’t it fun?
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#2 Posted on 2.5.03 2335.54
Reposted on: 2.5.10 2337.10

Nice work. For some reason I marked out for Fifi the Raw Satire poodle.

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#3 Posted on 3.5.03 1556.47
Reposted on: 3.5.10 1557.16
I hate taking quizzes... but this one was fun!!! And funny! I think I got an A++.

love, eocsioliocious
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#4 Posted on 3.5.03 1926.54
Reposted on: 3.5.10 1927.25
25) You’d buy anything we come up with wouldn’t you, you pathetic needy bastards.
a) Pretty much

Well put, RAW lover.
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#5 Posted on 4.5.03 2104.36
Reposted on: 4.5.10 2106.43
10) When I think “Urban/Hip Hop/Funk” I think
a) John Cena
b) That white guy on Smackdown who raps
c) The Prototype
d) RAW Superstar Busta Rhymes

No, it's e) Funk Master Flex, the guy in the LUGZ's Driving Shoe commercials. Silly you!
Toast Jr
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#6 Posted on 7.5.03 1318.12
Reposted on: 7.5.10 1325.18

    Originally posted by ScreamingHeadGuy
    10) When I think “Urban/Hip Hop/Funk” I think
    a) John Cena
    b) That white guy on Smackdown who raps
    c) The Prototype
    d) RAW Superstar Busta Rhymes

    No, it's e) Funk Master Flex, the guy in the LUGZ's Driving Shoe commercials. Silly you!

I totally marked out for the Lugz driving shoe guy! In fact, I do every time I see that commerical. Does that make me a bad person?
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