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The 7 - Guest Columns - Saaaatiiiiire 4/21
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 22.4.03 0246.41
Reposted on: 22.4.10 0247.23
Last Week: Goldberg tried to distinguish himself from Steve Austin, but failing. The Clique got crazy go nuts on their new Spike TV sitcom. Oh, and Booker won a title shot when…uh…Hurricane…beat…Triple Naitch. That doesn’t make any sense…

(Opening Credits)

Speaking of Flair, he’s in Eric Bischoff’s office. Bischoff is no-selling my e-mail, and still wearing his jacket. Flair asks what the hell is up with the results of last week’s match. Bischoff tells Flair not to worry. Triple H will NEVER lose the belt. Then Bischoff says that Shawn Michaels is reffing the match. Flair says something about fat boys, and space mountain, but the segment is already over. Poor, Naitch.

Your hosts for tonight? Coach and the Howler Monkey. They look excited to be there. That makes two of us.

Chris Jericho v. The Hurricane

Well, if it isn’t a match. Jericho is sick of wrestling all these people who aren’t in the six man match at Backlash. Only one week to go, Chris. Jericho is in fits of righteous anger at the fact that Hurricane’s outfit clashes with his pants. Faces are supposed to wear black tights, not neon green! Hurricane gives up and uses his Hurri-jobbing powers. Jericho wins! Flair comes out and puts Hurricane in the Figure Four for beating him last week. Hurricane is sad that he lost his push. I think it’s in the basement, Shane!

Maven arrives with The Rock’s Guitar. He’s really excited about his segment with Austin…TONIGHT.

(ads)

Rodney Mack v. Uh…This One Guy

This is part of the 5 Minute White Boy Challenge. Teddy Long calls Coach “Whitey” again. Rodney wins. Teddy Long was paying more attention to Coach. Nobody has noticed yet that Rodney Mack is white. I mean, Funaki is blacker than Rodney Mack. I’M blacker than Rodney Mack. My Nizzle.

Triple H’s Door has converted to Team Shawn Michaels. Please make a note of it on your programs. Booker T comes in to HBK’s locker room…

BT: Hey, man.
HBK: What?
BT: Hey, about kicking me out of the n.W.o. last year…
HBK: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?
BT: I’m trying something new, it’s called “continuity”
HBK: Well, fine. Try not to get any of it on the carpet.
BT: Right…Thanks for getting me out of that angle, man.
HBK: Shut up.

Booker goes looking for somewhere to wipe this continuity off.

(ads)

Goldberg is helping out our Troops by Spearing them. He spears two, making his WWE record 5-0.

Lita is out. Oh, boy. She tells us that she’s going to be ready to get back into the ring in two months. Nobody mentions to her that she’s actually in the ring right now. Eric Bischoff comes out to tell her that now that she’s healed up, she can pose nude and get the hell out of the company just like Chyna and Sable and Torrie…Oh wait. Lita feels left out because she wasn’t in any of the Diva magazines. Bischoff grows weary of this segment and fires Lita. I hope she comes back with Austin and J.R.! Actually, I don’t. I hope she ends up on Smackdonw where I never have to write about her again.

(ads)

Triple H and Triple Naitch are backstage…

HHH: So did you talk Bischoff out of the match.
RF: No, even better. Now Shawn Michaels is the guest referee.
HHH: He what? Oh, sweet mother of Me, I’m finally going to lose the title.
RF: But, I thought you guys were best friends or something?
HHH: No. No. We hate eachother. Don’t you watch this show?
RF: No, I stopped because HHH never loses.
HHH: What?
RF: Wooo?

Christopher Nowinski gets on commentary. He calls Coach “Whitey”.

Test (w/ Stacy Keibler) and Scott Steiner v. Three Minute Warning (w/ Rico)

Unless Rico becomes involved in the match, Steiner’s chainmail is pretty useless. Speaking of pretty useless, did you know that besides feuding with eachother, the men in this match are feuding with (in no particular order): Christopher Nowinski, Torrie Wilson, Getting Caught with His Hand Down His Pants, Goldust, A World Without Freaks and/or Peaks, Maven and Al Snow, Not Jobbing, The Rock, and The Backstreet Boy with The Weird Facial Hair. Steiner gropes Stacy again, and then tags himself in from the wrong corner. Thus confused, Steiner pins himself to end the match. Three Minute Warning jobs again! Test takes exception to the multiple gropings. Multiple? Ew…Looks like Booker got some of his continuity on Stacy’s skirt. When push comes to shove? Nobody cares.

(ads)

Test is pissed off that he got continuity all over him. Steiner passes by.

TT: Dude, what the hell! I can’t believe you both won and lost the match by yourself.
SS: Are you saying I’m not smart?
TT: No. What I’m saying is, what’s that all aboot?
SS: Are you Canadian? I hear Canadians are against the war. Grrr…
SK: What Test is trying to say is…RUN TEST!!

Steiner chases Test around the back as comical music plays. Test drops the continuity on the way.

Kevin Nash is backstage chatting with Eric Bischoff. Bischoff says that by bringing Nash in, he thought he’d reformed the Clique, but he forgot that none of them like each other. Nash said the Clique would get back together if Nash had to sew both guys together at the hip in a zany and/or wacky experiment. Elsewhere, Scott Hall, X-Pac and Justin Credible are crying themselves to sleep. And they didn’t even WATCH this segment.

The Rock is backstage with Terri. Terri asks him what it was like to finally be getting a main-event push after winning the first Tough Enough. The Rock gets mad and then tells Terri to make a trip to see The Rock’s Booty. I hear it’s just a pile of old cheese that he stole from Sting’s yacht.

(ads)

It’s time for “The Rock Concert 2”. I heard that the first one did so good in the ratings, that it beat every episode of TNA ever for viewers. Combined. Rock says that he wants to make Goldberg comfortable in this post-Passover season, so he begins to sing:

Goldberg, Goldberg, Goldberg
Jobbing to you Sunday,
Goldberg, Goldberg, Goldberg
How much did Vince pay?

Then, he gets creative, and sings a song about the WWE…

Hello, Goldberg my old friend.
I’m back to job again.
Because soon I am leaving.
A new movie, I am filming.
But since the script is really lame,
I still remain
And get paid for silence.

I make enough to sit at home.
Got an offer from Sly Stalone.
This segment is totally camp.
Triple H is still the champ.
And, I’ll take the pay for one more fight.
Nobody is watching RAW tonight.
The crowd makes the sound of silence.

Steve Austin broke the law.
His neck doesn’t work anymore.
6,000 people not cheering.
The Rock can tell by listening
On Smackdown we put in cheers that are not there,
For Albert’s hair
And Benoit’s match silence.

Nobody is reading this I know.
You’ve all skipped down below.
Not, to say that I can blame you.
This song is long and boring too.
Thanks to Microsoft Word, I can Spell,
I echoed
This song, about silence.

And on Sunday, Rocky laid.
Thinking about all the stars he made.
Not anybody like Three Minute Warning.
But his match with Hurricane wasn’t boring
Money lined The Rock’s pockets
And Jericho uses the Walls.
Though he scores no falls.
And Rodney performs to silence.

Gillberg comes out holding the continuity to finally be part of a big payoff that didn’t involve him jobbing to Essa Rios and Lita. Goldberg comes out to spear them and improve to 7-0, but Rock throws a bagel at him. Goldberg becomes distracted and gets hit with the Rock Bottom. As Rock is leaving, Goldberg says, “I’m not going to sell that!” and runs after Rock.

Here’s an exciting shot of A Curtain.

Rock runs toward his limo which pulls away. Then Goldberg hops into the Batmobile to give chase. However, he is no Adam West or even a Burt Ward, really, so it doesn’t work. He doesn’t know how to work the missles, and I guess Kane taught Goldberg how to drive stick. The Batmobile stalls. Goldberg runs off in pursuit, like THAT’S going to work. Rock steps out from behind a wall and points at his head to indicate how smart he is. The Batmobile rolls over his foot. Somebody owes me a cookie.

(ads)

French People are coming. I hope they bring croissants.

The Chief is out to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show. He decides to book a match.

Trish Stratus and Spike Dudley v. The Dudley Boyz

Apparently The Chief slipped in some continuity on his way out because he finally remembered that Spike was Bubba and D-Von’s brother. And…Trish and Bubba used to tag together, like, a year ago. Holy crap. Reverend D-Von can’t bring himself to be a heel this close to the Easter holiday, so he leaves. Bubba has no problem beating up anyone, not even Trish. That’s your brother and your former Tag Team Partner (like, a year ago), Bubba! Jeff Hardy is too busy winning the Imagi-Nation World Title to help Trish. Somebody decides this show needed a little more Kane and apparently a little Rob Van Dam too, because they come out to clear house on Bubba and The Chief. Jazz and Teddy Long sneak into this segment as well. There’s way too much going on here. What else is happening?

Maven is telling Tommy Dreamer to tell Austin that he’s going to be waiting for him in the ring. This is like that Telephone game, and by the time Austin gets the message it’ll be “Raven got fired for eating Linda’s Onion Rings”. Which is true by the way.

(ads)

Kevin Nash is backstage hitting on HHH.

Maven challenges Austin to come down to the ring, and get through his gauntlet of Evil Indy Workers. Austin comes out, even though his neck is falling apart and he was fired. The Indy workers all fall victim to the Stunner, but Chris Tian runs out to attack Austin for daring to challenge the great Maven. Maven gets wacky with a chair to KO Austin. Elsewhere, Goldberg is still running down the highway trying to Spear Rock’s Limo.

(ads)

Kevin Nash tries to set Shawn Michaels and Triple H up on a blind date. It’s not really a blind date if they know each other, Kev. Unless he meant, Blind Date (on the new TNN!). This story has all the makings of a beautiful romance.

(ads)

Mr. America is coming. You mean it isn’t Scott Steiner? Is it Bradshaw?

Booker T v. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair and Chris Jericho)
For the WWE World Title, Special Guest Referee Shawn Michaels

Michaels is obviously insecure about his placement in this love triangle. Everybody says he’s the bitch, but secretly, he’s not into that. But there’s no way that Kevin or Triple H would be the bitch. I think that’s why he’s feuding with Jericho. Jericho and Triple Naitch are just happy to be nominated. Booker has nothing to do with any of these people.

(ads)

We come back to see that Triple H and Booker T are still having a World Title match. Huh. Jericho and Flair are sick of being left out of his story line so they gang tackle Shawn. Back to being the bitch. Kevin Nash comes out so that nobody forgets that he’s tall. Jericho, Flair and Booker leave because they were never in the Clique. Poor Booker, he doesn’t even get to finish his title match. Kevin gives HHH a hug. Triple H is happy, but then Nash gives Michaels a hug. HHH lowblows that two timing hussy. Stacy can relate. Everybody here will be at Backlash. Except me. And Stacy.

Next Week: Backlash Fallout occurs as Goldberg throws a Bar Mitzvah for Rock’s Booty. The Hurricane tries out a new color scheme: Neon Gray. HHH will defend his World Title against The Population of Massachusetts, and win! Plus, things get Crazy Go Nuts with a Guest Columnist in my place?! Eek!

Be there or B Squared.


(edited by Excalibur05 on 22.4.03 0252)
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IncredibleHeelHeat
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#2 Posted on 22.4.03 0403.19
Reposted on: 22.4.10 0406.07
Rats, it's the end of Coach Nash's appearance on RAW Satire.

No more clipboard, whistle, or cap & headset v1.0 against
curtains; but I suppose it had to happen once RVD started
mistaking him for his old manager.


Excellent job as always.


emma
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#3 Posted on 22.4.03 0423.07
Reposted on: 22.4.10 0424.28
Best satire ever!
ScreamingHeadGuy
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#4 Posted on 22.4.03 0709.55
Reposted on: 22.4.10 0712.33
"Booker goes looking for somewhere to wipe this continuity off."

Fortunately for you I had finished my cereal before getting to this line. Else you would have to scrape the little half-chewed cereal bits off my monitor.

For all the foibles of the show, a Satire is much appreciated.

Edit: OH, yea! Now I'm a "Light Heavyweight" a weight-class that no longer exists in the WWF/E (I guess).

(edited by ScreamingHeadGuy on 22.4.03 0710)
Mr Heel II
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#5 Posted on 22.4.03 0818.21
Reposted on: 22.4.10 0818.38
I eagerly await the addition of Continuity to the Periodic Table of Elements.

But they'll probably call it "Continuitium".

Another great recap.
hansen9j
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#6 Posted on 22.4.03 1038.52
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1051.09
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    BT: Right…Thanks for getting me out of that angle, man.
    HBK: Shut up.
    ---------------------------------
    RF: No, I stopped because HHH never loses.
    HHH: What?
    RF: Wooo?
    ---------------------------------
    TT: Dude, what the hell! I can’t believe you both won and lost the match by yourself.
    SS: Are you saying I’m not smart?
    TT: No. What I’m saying is, what’s that all aboot?
    SS: Are you Canadian? I hear Canadians are against the war. Grrr…
    SK: What Test is trying to say is…RUN TEST!!

    Steiner chases Test around the back as comical music plays. Test drops the continuity on the way.
    ---------------------------------
    Elsewhere, Scott Hall, X-Pac and Justin Credible are crying themselves to sleep. And they didn’t even WATCH this segment.
    ---------------------------------
    Nobody is reading this I know.
    You’ve all skipped down below.
    Not, to say that I can blame you.
    This song is long and boring too.
    Thanks to Microsoft Word, I can Spell,
    I echoed
    This song, about silence.
    ---------------------------------
    Then Goldberg hops into the Batmobile to give chase. However, he is no Adam West or even a Burt Ward, really, so it doesn’t work. He doesn’t know how to work the missles, and I guess Kane taught Goldberg how to drive stick. The Batmobile stalls. Goldberg runs off in pursuit, like THAT’S going to work. Rock steps out from behind a wall and points at his head to indicate how smart he is. The Batmobile rolls over his foot. Somebody owes me a cookie.
    ---------------------------------
    Maven challenges Austin to come down to the ring, and get through his gauntlet of Evil Indy Workers. Austin comes out, even though his neck is falling apart and he was fired. The Indy workers all fall victim to the Stunner, but Chris Tian runs out to attack Austin for daring to challenge the great Maven. Maven gets wacky with a chair to KO Austin. Elsewhere, Goldberg is still running down the highway trying to Spear Rock’s Limo.



Great stuff.

(edited by hansen9j on 22.4.03 0940)
socetew
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#7 Posted on 22.4.03 1057.06
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1059.08
> Nash said the Clique would get back together if Nash had to sew both guys together at the hip in a zany and/or wacky experiment.

I literally LAUGHED OUT LOUD after reading that line, as well as many others.

boy!!!

-eocs
whatever
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#8 Posted on 22.4.03 1150.56
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1158.24
"I guess Kane taught Goldberg how to drive stick."

Priceless! Another fine job this week!
cranlsn
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#9 Posted on 22.4.03 1227.21
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1229.01
The image of Goldberg running down the highway, desparately trying to spear a Hummer limo got me through a very rough day at work today.

Thanks!
MARTYEWR
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#10 Posted on 22.4.03 1337.32
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1342.39

    Originally posted by Excalibur05

    Hello, Goldberg my old friend.
    I’m back to job again.
    Because soon I am leaving.
    A new movie, I am filming.
    But since the script is really lame,
    I still remain
    And get paid for silence.

    I make enough to sit at home.
    Got an offer from Sly Stalone.
    This segment is totally camp.
    Triple H is still the champ.
    And, I’ll take the pay for one more fight.
    Nobody is watching RAW tonight.
    The crowd makes the sound of silence.

    Steve Austin broke the law.
    His neck doesn’t work anymore.
    6,000 people not cheering.
    The Rock can tell by listening
    On Smackdown we put in cheers that are not there,
    For Albert’s hair
    And Benoit’s match silence.

    Nobody is reading this I know.
    You’ve all skipped down below.
    Not, to say that I can blame you.
    This song is long and boring too.
    Thanks to Microsoft Word, I can Spell,
    I echoed
    This song, about silence.

    And on Sunday, Rocky laid.
    Thinking about all the stars he made.
    Not anybody like Three Minute Warning.
    But his match with Hurricane wasn’t boring
    Money lined The Rock’s pockets
    And Jericho uses the Walls.
    Though he scores no falls.
    And Rodney performs to silence.


Simon And Garfunkel would be proud!

Awesome work, as always, Matt.
skorpio17
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#11 Posted on 22.4.03 1407.57
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1414.48
Great Recap.

I like the song parody the most. Some tiny suggestions.

I thought the Simon & Garfunkel song for the Rock Concert to use would be “I Am a Rock.” (too obvious.)

Replace the song’s last verse: first line with “And on Sunday, Rocky got laid.”

Replace The Chief with The Chef from South Park.


"SS: Are you Canadian? I hear Canadians are against the war. Grrr…
SK: What Test is trying to say is…RUN TEST!!"


I thought SK was referring to Scott Keith which made it that much funnier.

SchippeWreck
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#12 Posted on 22.4.03 1436.55
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1442.07

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Lita is out. Oh, boy. She tells us that she's going to be ready to get back into the ring in two months. Nobody mentions to her that she's actually in the ring right now.

Easy target, but funny joke!

And thanks for bringing the bagels back after a one week absence.

Great work!
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#13 Posted on 22.4.03 1448.39
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1449.36
*standing ovation*

excellent work. This is actually the first column i've read here but it looks like i'll be coming back for more. That was simply awesome.
asteroidboy
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#14 Posted on 22.4.03 1701.05
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1701.40
RF: Wooo?

Good stuff this week, Ex.
Excalibur05
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#15 Posted on 22.4.03 1755.53
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1759.02
Thanks for the praise everybody.

Though I noticed that nobody has mentioned my earth shattering announcement, yet. Nobody gets a cookie from me!
Keeper
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#16 Posted on 22.4.03 1810.44
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1816.37

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Plus, things get Crazy Go Nuts with a Guest Columnist in my place?! Eek!


Do I get a cookie?

This is one of the best Satires so far, though they are all entertaining. Great Job.
Excalibur05
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#17 Posted on 22.4.03 1818.41
Reposted on: 22.4.10 1828.20

    Originally posted by Keeper

      Originally posted by Excalibur05
      Plus, things get Crazy Go Nuts with a Guest Columnist in my place?! Eek!


    Do I get a cookie?

    This is one of the best Satires so far, though they are all entertaining. Great Job.



Yes. And thank you.

No me next week, I'm writing an actual column, but I've got somebody to cover for me.
Jaguar
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#18 Posted on 22.4.03 2133.50
Reposted on: 22.4.10 2134.04
What do you mean you've got somebody to cover for you? You haven't even asked me yet!

-Jag

Another great satire, by the way. I hope your replacement can do you justice. Or at least do as well as Gene Hackman and Keanu Reeves in 'The Replacements'. Cause it would suck if next monday's column got shot down like the 'Replacement Killers'. And anyway, I think I'll stop now.



Replacement.
Excalibur05
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#19 Posted on 22.4.03 2213.35
Reposted on: 22.4.10 2214.55
It's going to be...interesting if all indications lead where they say they will.

I'll get a kick out of it, I bet you will too.
socetew
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#20 Posted on 23.4.03 0129.16
Reposted on: 23.4.10 0129.58
> As Rock is leaving, Goldberg says, “I’m not going to sell that!” and runs after Rock.

Oh yeah, that is another line that I really liked! Poor, poor Goldberg.

-- eocs, te.g.
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