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The 7 - Guest Columns - "The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap" V. 2.0
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#1 Posted on 18.4.03 0815.24
Reposted on: 18.4.10 0815.47
"The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap.”

Well folks, the response to the RAW review was so overwhelming this week that I’ve decided to continue with my tradition. Or maybe I can blame my lack of feedback on a cyclical downturn in business. Yes. I’ll do that.

Smackdown April 17th, 2003

-We start off with a nice tag-match. 2 Fatt: Big Show and Albert are here, and they shall meet Teej and Rey, whom they outweigh by somewhere in the vicinity of 500 pounds according to Michael “Shovelling” Cole. The match in itself is not bad. Rey and Teej do some nice simultaneous catsprings and dropkicks and such like, while Show and A-Train do some “I’m real real big” spots that are, in their own disturbing way, just as entertaining. I liked the spot where Show lifted Rey with one hand and Cole made it out like it was a big accomplishment. I can lift a fifth of my bodyweight over my head with one hand as well. It’s not a big accomplishment. Unless you’re a chick. Most chicks can’t do that. On second thought, maybe I can’t do that. Give Big Show the title. Anyway, the fats win clean, then Tajiri “sprays A-Train in the face”. I always love when someone says that on commentary. Then Rey 619’d Show, who was on the floor, from around the ringpost…Show fell down like an old man in the tub and then made a face like Zeus. Remember him? “Beefcake…Baaaabbaaaa!”

Rating relative to sex: Like a scene out of “blacks on blondes”; the little bodies just got battered by the abnormally large men.

Then Big Show says that he’s seven feet tall…He’s five hundred pounds. I wish he’d stop saying that. He says no one laughs at him. Personally I think being that freakishly large is actually kinda funny. I mean, he’s too large to have a decent quality of life. He can’t fit in a phone booth. Movie theatres can’t accommodate him. He sleeps on a flatbed truck. People stare at him as he walks down the street, as if he’s not even a human being. What’s not to laugh at? Anyway, he calls Rey a freak. Well if that isn’t anorexic calling the bulimic fat, I don’t know what is.

Then Michael Cole introduced Brock Lesnar in a very old-school Vince McMahon fashion. He tried to rasp it up and seemed like he was going to laugh. Lesnar came out and they made it seem like he wasn’t on the show last week. Uh…Okay. They showed a replay of the botched SSP from ‘Mania. Lesnar said he’s lucky to be here. He uses the word “noggin”. See, that’s what he fell on. If the purpose of this interview was to turn Brock into the Bullwinkle of the sports-entertainment world, I’m sold. He respects Kurt, by the way. He mentioned the neck surgery, which the fans didn’t react to in any way because WWE is so full of crappy ideas they didn’t even mention that Kurt was injured. It would have made Wrestlemania’s match a lot more interesting from a marketing standpoint.

John Cena came out. He’s the kid with ruthless aggression, if you remember. He talked about how Brock doesn’t respect the fans. He also mentioned that Brock couldn’t possibly have a concussion because he has no brain. I have to admit, I liked that one. Eventually after some masterful mic work from Cena, Benoit came out. Benoit the bad actor acted badly again, because his acting is bad. Brock came in with some more bad acting of his own, which was still bearable since the word “noggin” wasn’t used. The Brock and Benoit shook and Cena knocked Benoit down. It was a cheap shot. Not a bad segment, Cena came off looking good because no one else in the ring was capable of basic speech.

Rating relative to sex: Like trying to bang your girlfriend while watching sportscentre. Distracted and uneventful.

Then We found out Mr. America was coming. Not Captain America. Mister America. Apparently it’s going to be an average representation of America. Someone fatter than the rest of the roster, who has a gun, would be a start. But Bradshaw may not be recovered from his injury yet.

Then Eddie Guerrero beat Jamie Noble, which might have meant something if Noble had beaten anyone since November. Team Angle came out and mocked Eddie and Chavo’s accents. Now, I don’t want to nitpick, but how am I supposed to buy that these guys are cutting prejudiced promos on Mexicans when they’re an interracial tag-team themselves. Or are they just racist against non-blacks and non-whites…It doesn’t even make sense. And Team Angle sucks on the microphone. Leave them off. Just let them wrestle and bring back Heyman for them. Good match, regardless. Eddy won clean with a frog splash, which to be honest is something I never thought I’d see again. Of course, they’ll never put him over someone with talent, but I take what I can get. Because Eddy Guerrero is my favourite wrestler, you see. After the match, Los Guerreros called Team Angle gay. Eddy and Chavo alluded to Benjamin and Haas sucking each others erect penises. Great stuff. Then Team Angle ran down and got beat up. These teams will meet at Backlash, by the way.

Rating relative to sex: Like sex in a crowded house. Brief and everyone ran in at the end.

Then we were taught that French people are evil. How dare they request actual evidence before invading a country? Who the hell are these idiots? It’s not like they helped America win the Revolutionary War for its independence or anything! It’s not like they gave American the Statue of Liberty, the ultimate symbol of its freedom; something with which the entire world identifies with it! No…They’re stupid and French because they’re stupid and French! Tell me what to think Vince…I NEED you to tell me what to think!

Then Nunzio was choked out by the forty-year-old criminal. Sadly, no, that doesn’t mean Austin came back.

Then the neighbourhood cougar, known as Sable, came to hit on Torrie. They babbled about Torrie’s naked boobies. Sable said even though she liked the playboy “there’s no comparison to the real thing”. You’re right, Sable. For instance, the real thing isn’t airbrushed. They didn’t keep Torrie’s “natural” appearance. I bet you didn’t know she could hide three bananas in her shrub. But that’s nature…Anyway Sable needed help with her zipper. She then zipped it down herself, almost to where her pubes would be if she had any. Then she exposed herself to Torrie. Then Torrie left. Then Sable turned around palming her mangos. I don’t know what the point of this is, but it made me beat off. I think it works better this time because Dawn Marie is ugly and Sable isn’t.

Then we had Piper’s Pit. Piper was pretty incoherent and said something about “simple cowards.” I didn’t follow, because with Piper YOU CAN’T. Then Shawn O’Haire came out. They made like a intergenerational fudgepack combo. Then Superfly came out. He looked like six kinds of shit. I can’t believe Vince dug this guy up. I mean, I thought Piper looked bad. Stephen Hawking looks like he’d have more believable offence than this old fuck. He’s gotta be 70. Anyway, O’Haire ends up the man who murdered a chick once. Then Kish comes out and fights for them. Eventually they get him too. Ugh.

Then Torrie beat Nidia. It was a lot of fun watching a trained wrestler job to Torrie’s craptacular offence. Sable was in the ref’s outfit and looked totally smokin’. Torrie botched a bodydrop and almost killed Nidia. She ended up winning when Sable dropkicked Jamie Noble. They really want to ruin his career…

Rating relative to sex: Like anal sex. You have to question yourself if you enjoyed this.

Then Matt Hardy beat Brian Kendrick with a reversal of sliced bread #2 (I do believe this is the name of Kendrick’s move) into a twist of fate. Good match.

Rating relative to sex: Like sex in high school. Too short but very enjoyable.

Then The FBI got ready. I think Nunzio said he didn’t want help.

Then the same footage of Bradshaw lying about the level of support on the home-front from RAW was shown. Bradshaw laid a wreath on someone tomb, the unknown soldier (according to the Torch). I don’t know who he is to be having that honour but whatever.

Then Nathan Jones beat Nunzio by DQ when the FBI ran in and raped him. They “broke” his ankle. I hope that leads to his removal from television and subsequent release. This guy represents everything that’s wrong with everything. He should be shot, chopped up, and fed to starving children passed off as Indian food.

Then John Cena did a good rap. He’s got the same rhyme every week, the same pattern. It is kinda slow, I guess. Still this is the most creative stuff on Smackdown every week. He called Benoit a Dynamite rip-off. That’s a little too inside for my tastes, but whatever. It was still fun. He should have cited Benoit’s track record with world titles to really get under his skin.
“Yo…Check it out…They call you the crippler, they say you be the wolverine,
I call you short and dumb and ugly, the most technical loser I’ve eva seen
You whine in that queer voice, saying, come and prove you wrong,
Alls I gotta prove’s my manhood, which by the way is ten feet long…
You still never won the title, so though I may just be a kid,
I still know your sad ass can’t me, bitch…I sure ain’t Psycho Sid…”

Anyway good match, Cena worked the neck and Benoit got in a couple crossfaces, missed a swandive headbutt, hit a german suplex (instead of forty-five in a row) and generally had a good one. End came when Benoit rolled out of the DVD of Cena’s and got his pinning combination reversed. Again, good that the ending doesn’t always come off a finisher, makes these things harder to predict. They did a good job making it seem like an upset but that was what they should have been doing last week, when Cena faced a star about ten times the status of Benoit.

Rating relative to sex: Some fun fun sex, that got cut a little short. You’d like to see more, but one of the parties probably wouldn’t profit from the pounding a second time.

That was the show. Fair show, not great. No Rhyno, no ‘Taker, no Kurt, no Hogan? Uh…Okay. Kurt’s injured, where are all the rest. I heard Rhyno might have been hurt but it wasn’t some big deal last I heard. This show needs some star power and fast.
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#2 Posted on 18.4.03 0919.39
Reposted on: 18.4.10 0923.29
Undertaker's out with elbow surgery, and Hogan's off tv until he comes back as "Mr. America" to kill us all.
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