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The 7 - Guest Columns - "The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap.” V. 1.0
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#1 Posted on 15.4.03 0615.51
Reposted on: 15.4.10 0617.58
"The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap.” New adaptation to this week’s edition and all future editions…The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap will now come in versions 1.0 and 2.0. The former will be RAW and the latter will be Smackdown. Just a way to keep all six of my fans posted.

RAW April 14th, 2003

-The show begins and much to my “uninterested in political standpoints” joy there’s no JR. That damned hick. He has been replaced with the Vacuum of Cool known as Jonathan Coachman. Sigh…Jerry Lawler’s still here and he still has really shiny facial features that make him look like he’s been dropping acid. This is of course the effect of his cosmetic surgery. It’s supposed to make him look younger, which might well go hand-in-hand with looking like he’s been dropping acid, but unfortunately for him the surgery has just made him look like a very old perverted man who happens to have been dropping acid. See my point? Lawler should learn from the mistakes of the last high-profile wrestling personality to get cosmetic surgery done, Ric Flair. All the money that went into Naitch’s face and he’s still got tits. Talk about biting the head to spite the shaft…Or another applicable analogy implying futility in taking a particular action…

Then...Big Nash sans Diesel music comes out. He’s got new tunes, which don’t fit him at all. He looks like a “takin’ care of business” type of dude. You know, it’s the work that we avoid, and we’re all self-employed. We love to work at nothin’ all day. Anyway, I’m glad he’s not using the Diesel name or gimmick. Despite the fact that not only did the Diesel character not draw flies, but actually drove them away in search of workrate, every time I think of Diesel I just hear McMahon’s voice in my head: “DIESEL JUST SAW DIESEL! IN THAT CASKET! DIESEL JUST SAW DIESEL!” Ugh.

Big Nash decides to come out sounding like a bitch and whine ‘cause his friends are fighting. He remembers when they went up and down the roads together from bad house to bad house, mixing alcohol and steroids with painkillers and muscle relaxers until they could barely stand. Uh…He leaves some of that stuff out but the point is he misses his buddies. That’s when Mister Steph comes out and says how he and Shawn hate each other. Everyone acts as if this feud has even been going since December. Shawn comes out and shows some fire. Nash continues to moderate and they’ve really managed to make him look like a sap within a week. The eventual resolution is the go-home line of “we both had our biggest success when we got away from Shawn” which Mister Steph says. Forget the fact the WWE as a whole could make the same statement, this time it applies to Nash and Trips. After Trips leaves us with that thought, Shawn mouths the words: he’s got you there.

Then Stacy finds hand cream, hand wipes, and porno in Test’s bag. At first she thought it was Pat Patterson’s bag, but the fact that the magazine was playboy and not “Jackhammerin’ Man-Holes Monthly” leads her to believe it’s Test’s. Apparently, this bothers her. Test tries to convince her that to expect him not to look at a playboy featuring someone who works for the same company as he does and who he knows personally is goonish. Considering what the many loves of Hogan’s My Dad have found in my bags, I bet my former bitches WISHED they’d found playboys. Instead of sperm-stained issues of National Geographic.

Then Chris Jericho beat Test in a “woulda happened at No Way Out” match. Stacy hikes her shorts up her ass crack in an effort to show how unreasonable her boyfriend is, setting the women’s rights movement back seven hundred and fifty years. I mean, I’m all for T & A, but when she’s hunching over the stairs like a battle-scarred and flappy-gapped career prostitute I lose all ability to relate to her in the context of the storyline. Jericho who will be in a high-profile match with all RAW’s top stars on PPV in a couple weeks uses Stacy’s unimaginative whoring to win. Not even Jericho could get the fans into this one, thought it just MIGHT have something to do with the naked girl BENDING OVER like a DIRTY SLUT. Lawler woohoos at the sight of thong, when, ironically, not wearing a thong would have been much more revealing. Which gives some idea of just HOW FAR this DIRTY SLUT was BENDING OVER. Ahem.

Rating relative to sex: Like trying to bang your girlfriend while watching sportscentre. Distracted and uneventful.

Then Eric Bischoff says he’s going to do the right thing. Which leads me to believe Austin’s music will play again, people will believe he’s here, and Bischoff will come out.

Then Test says how much hotter Stacy is than Torrie, until he gets to big tits. And Stacy’s tits aren’t big, so damn, that means she’s inferior and she gets the message and leaves upset because her boyfriend likes big tits. This is deep stuff. Depressed, Test secretly gives himself a kit-kat, if you know what I mean.

Then Jazz and Victoria, who in a mannish way is totally freaking hot, take on Trish from Toronto and Ivory from Career Obscurity. The match is pretty par except for Teddy Long on commentary, which is different if not good. Lawler pulls the classic closet Klansman routine when he notes that he has a friend who’s black, and for once it’s not his caterer. Long says the word “haterizing” a thousand times. Coach comes off as white-washed, like the kind of Black man that denies racism ever existed and wouldn’t even know he was black if not for the nine-inch flaccid endowment hanging between his legs. That and the fact people call him “blacky” all the time. Trish taps out to end it.

Rating relative to sex: Like having sex in a bedroom during a wild party. Would have been fun but the conversation drowning it out was more interesting than the action itself.

Then Goldberg was on his cell phone instead of doing what made him famous, which was bash his head on lockers and take bites out of drywall and other cool stuff like that. No, instead of wild Goldberg we see “talking to his attorney on an expensive cell phone” Goldberg. If people can’t relate to that then people are just small-minded. A hot chick with a headset on comes to tell Goldberg that a relative is here. I assumed it was his brother who co-wrote his biography with him, since they seemed so intent on making him look like a shmuck. I was wrong. It was Goldust. Goldust have Goldberg a wig and (get it? Gold plus Gold equals family relation!) Goldberg acting like the smarmy bastard that he is tells Goldust to keep his gentile hands off him. Oh and here’s the hook. Goldberg made Goldust defecate and/or urinate and/or ejaculate in his own pants. I’m not making that up.

Then Kevin Nash, despite his big-money contract, sits on a crate.
Then Stone Cold came out…Oh wait, it’s Eric Bischoff using Austin’s theme. This would all go a lot more smoothly if everyone just accepted that this is Bischoff’s music now. I am starting to think Vince had Austin back just to ruin his standing with the fans. Now, every time Austin’s music hits the ovation will be quieter and quieter than the time before. Even if they “fix” this by having Austin become GM or Co-GM and bring back drooling hickboy who forgot how to call matches and can’t relate to the product anymore, it will still be revisiting old hack. I seem to recall Austin getting Linda and Steph’s ownership percentage once. Can you even do that? Oh, and Eric sold Austin’s crap and killed the crowd. Booker came out and asked for a title shot. Bischoff said as long as Booker lets him sit on the edge of the bed and watch the Book have sex he can have whatever he wants. He recalls that this is how Dallas Page got a world title reign.

Then RVD and Kane met Lance Storm and Chief Morley and for a moment, space-time itself almost imploded because the maximum number of times the same thing can happen on any plain of existence was exceeded by 600 when this match was booked. I just couldn’t care. RVD had a big bruise from a backstage skirmish that was escalated with the words “no…You can’t work the main event style!” Cool things happened. A plastic garbage can shot that couldn’t itch a haemophiliac led into a vile-looking DDT on RVD. The Duds came out and pulled some histrionics that led to Van Daminators and Van Terminators aplenty. There was a chokeslam. There was victory. All surprise in the outcome however was precluded by the fact that Kane’s pyro never went off during his intro.

Rating relative to sex: This was sex with a church-going choirgirl. Despite effort all-around, you knew what would happen before it did and it was entirely predictable, though it was nice to watch unfold.

Then Mister Steph and his manager Talented With Tits argue with Bischoff about Booker’s request. Bischoff is about to make a deal about watching them have sex with their significant others when the Hurricane comes in and rants about the need for a junior heavyweight division. It ends up as the precursor to a match featuring Hurricane and Book against Triple H and a very very old man. It evens out because even though Hurricane is a former Cruiserweight Champ, he’s small and is therefore no more effective than a very very old man. If the team of black comic wins, Book gets a shot at Triple H.

Then we see Bradshaw and Ron Simmons visiting injured troops. Bradshaw lies to America again when he says the “vast majority of American support the war effort”. Last I checked this war was contended as much as any war since Vietnam, but since Bradshaw honestly believes the US won that war, I expect nothing better from him. Once on Confidential he said the US Armed Forces are “undefeated”. He’s obviously an idiot. This isn’t about war or anything, it’s just me hating idiots who change history to fit their own twisted perceptions of reality.

Then Rock was in Hollywood to buy a guitar. This is retarded. Not only are they not getting what little mileage they have left in Rock, being that he’s leaving soon, they have him off elsewhere for reasons that don’t even make sense. He accepts the Backlash match. No one seems to care, nor is it explained why he suddenly accepted it after last week’s rejection. We’re just supposed to accept this because we’re just wrestling fans. This segment needed some Koko B. Ware.

Then Christian phoned the Rock on his cell phone instead of walking two feet across the hall to where Rock filmed that segment in a room. Christian said some stuff that was not all that important. The gist is Christian said “yes, I will be fed to Goldberg…and I will try not to give him indigestion”.

Then Christian kicks Goldust in his genitals, which if you recall Terri’s testimony are smaller than Val Venis’. Anyone remember that? Eh? Anyhow, Christian than implies Goldberg’s female. It was pretty funny. Goldberg came out and nailed a DEVASTATING spear. I mean that. He totally folded Christian up. It looked sick. Then he impressively jackhammered Christian. All those who argued anyone can do a jackhammer didn’t see this one…He balanced Christian on one arm for a bit and really put him down good. Impressive showing, would have been better in actual match form.

Rating relative to sex: Like busting in less than a minute, then rolling off the chick and falling asleep. Not really worth the gas money and the price of movie tickets. But fun because a blonde got “speared” and “jackhammered”.

Then it was RAW is Politics again. Harvard Kid made some points, and Steiner responded with points that were in no way a rebuttal to anything Harvard Kid said. Also, someone should explain to big ‘roidy that the phrase “Terrorism started the war” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless there’s a country called “Terrorism” out there. He also attacked everyone who has an opinion that in any way differs from his own. Like those Hollywood “numb-nuts”, all of whom are better-spoken and more intelligent than he has ever been. If this segment was supposed to be pro-war, next time send out someone who can visually show an opposition to Susan Sarandon and Richard Gere without being laughed at. If you send out Steiner people will mock WWE for promoting ideals with a roid-filled water-monkey who can’t even fake-fight properly. 3MW came out and the show officially became an abortion.

I can’t strongly enough endorse those Dawson’s Creek reruns on TBS at 8 in the morning. This show is a perfect example of how to build hour after hour of TV around one small event, leave it unfinished, and then come back to it later and make it seem like the fate of the universe depends on it. Now, I have a real stiffy for Katie Holmes and that’s why I watch, but that’s beside the point. It’s not a bad show. Honestly. If you can watch Buffy, you can watch this. Same deal, without unrealistic vampire crap clouding it up.

Then Mister Steph and Talented With Tits met Black Comic. The match was fine for what it was, but would have had to be a nine-star classic to salvage this show. The old guy was pinned by the small guy when the fuse-backed bible thump came out and kicked the old guy in the face letting the small guy pin the old guy thereby getting the black guy a title shot with the big-nosed politician next week, if that makes any sense to you. Then, the beatdown ensued when the Rock Star came out and helped the old guy and the big-nosed politician beat down the black guy, the small guy, and the fuse-backed bible thump, until the really tall and slow guy walked to the ring and got in, facing off with the big-nosed politician and then turning to hit the black guy in the face for no apparent reason, allowing the big-nosed politician to get away. The black guy was then helped up by the really tall and slow guy but he didn’t want any help, and he angrily struck the fuse-backed bible thump. The point of this I assume would be to ask the question: can the really tall and slow guy get along with the black guy and can the black guy get along with the fuse-backed bible thump…At Backlash? Tune in next week to find out. Or don’t.

Rating relative to sex: Like sex in a really bad relationship. Good, but not good enough to make up for all the other stuff that was wrong.

Raw was awful in my opinion. But that’s just my take on it. Come back Thursday for V. 2.0!

(edited by Hogan's My Dad on 15.4.03 0427)
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