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The 7 - Guest Columns - "The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap.”
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#1 Posted on 10.4.03 2337.17
Reposted on: 10.4.10 2343.30

"The Cynical Wrestling Weekly Recap.” Bah-ha!

My thoughts on RAW for those who missed:

RAW April 7, 2003

-Woman's match didn't do it for me. If the crowd doesn't get behind it, I don't care if it's Flair/Steamboat, it isn't fun to watch. Plus, say what you will about the ladies but blood on a chick's face makes me want to change the channel. Even if it was an accident. And, lastly Trish's finishing move is so bad that it derails the momentum of a match. Ugh. No...This assessment doesn't mean I hate professional wrestling. It just means that I didn't like the ladies work this week. Sue me. Another complaint about this. Trish and Jazz have met more than the Undertaker & Kane and Rock & Austin and Benoit & Angle combined and multiplied by five hundred and six. I don't care how long ago it was. Please add another woman to this division. Please.

Rating relative to sex: This match was like a beejay that stops when the chick's parents come home. It started out great but didn't pan out for reasons beyond the participants control.

Then...Rock arrived and babbled. They could have done without this. It didn't really establish anything that the announcers couldn't have covered in one sentence with a visual of either Rock or Goldberg arriving.

Then RVD and Kane made weed references that went over the heads of anyone who doesn't smoke weed. Did you know marijuana impairs your judgment? According to recent commercials, it can make you shoot someone or rape someone or get raped by someone. Or in RVD's case, it can make you sign a long-term contract with WWE. (read that over a couple times before you disagree with me)

Then Jazz joined the black panthers...Nothing intersting for me so far tonight...Long called her "playa" with I didn't realize could be applied to women. Long's subtle reaction after doing so reveals that it can't.

Then Rock hit on Trish. The point of this segment is that Jeff Hardy is "finer" than the Rock. Now I ask for 2 non KKK members who can honestly tell me that broken down Gollum-lookin' endoskeleton motherfucker is actually better looking than the Rock. Ahem...Not that I have an opinion on the matter.

Then Jim Ross tries to get us to believe since being fired last week Austin called ESPN and filmed a commercial which was finished and aired in that time span. Yeah...And Debra was askin' for it.

Then Chief Morley beat Willie. Eh. All right. I'm not into corrupt authority figures anymore. Let's move on. I think I'd rather see a porn star gimmick. Oh and there was cheating involved. Anyone notice that? The way everyone went on it's like RVD jobbed to an elbowdrop or something. Wait, he did! Uh...Well...How come if it's the Rock's elbow it's putting someone over, but if it's anyone else's they are being buried.

Rating relative to sex: This match was like sex with a friend's fat sister. It was fun, but you wouldn't want to experience it again. And yet, you know you will.

Then HBK tries to give off the impression that he doesn't hate blacks as he and Booker T ready themselves. Booker then tries to explain that Shawn should put aside his prejudices because Amhed Johnson was not the best representative of the black race to base assertions on. Shawn then explains that if he called Mike Tyson boy he sure isn't afraid of Booker T. If you look in the mirror in this scene, you can see JERICHO AND GOLDBERG FIGHTING FOR REAL! CHRISTIAN VERSUS JEW! IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED!

Then in one of my moments of the night it became Raw is Politics. First, they showed Ivory and Shawn giving condsecending words of encouragement to the troops. Not the ones who are fighting but who's counting. Then JR embarrasses himself by talking about whooping butt as if he hasn't listened to one thing the military directors have been saying for the past month. Lawler covers for him by throwing in the word liberate...Remembering that Lawler fucks little girls kills his credibility though...

Then Raw is Politics continued. Havard kid came out and made a speech making me uncomfortable. Then, the crowd booed him for it, which continued this feeling. Then, he was labelled as unamerican for not supporting the war effort. Then, Steiner became symbolic of America, which made me want to puke. Fortunately, Steiner didn't make any war comments and just did what he does best: wrestled poorly.

Rating relative to sex: This was sex with a nasty-lookin' chick you don't even like. You really regret it and won't tell anyone it happened.

Then Goldberg was shown doing things he probably can't do anymore. Like roll over 60 guys in few months. Still, made him look totally badass.

Then Christian and Rock made me laugh to the point of tears. I'm really going to miss Rocky. This show was so crap without him.

Then Trish kissed Jeff Hardy on his way to a job. Jeff silently wondered why he was just wishing Trish was a burly sailor with a leopard thong and a handlebar moustache. And an eleven inch penis. I can answer that for him. He's homosexual.

Then Rock tried to cover for Jeff Hardy's flubbed spots and inability to get up after bumps. Rock was entertaining as ever in this thing. I used my own e-maj-eye-nation to e-maj-eyne that Jeff Hardy is a good wrestler. At one point Jeff Hardy removed his shirt to expose his Olive Oyl-like physique. Rock won clean. Then Goldberg came out. It was fun, Rock bitched out on the confrontation, Goldberg looked like Mumm-Ra from Thundercats (props to anyone who knows what the hell that is) and Christian got buried. All in the name of PPV. But hell, I enjoyed it.

Rating relative to sex: Like sex with the a semi-attractive girl. Fun, but predictable. The ending was a little confusing.

Then Rock ran away like a bitch.

Then the Dudleys and Kane came out. I'm sorry, but one thing hasn't changed since the brand split. Anything involving a Dudley and almost anything involving Kane means I switch to BET and enjoy a little comic view. It's the only show where black people can call white people who were shot stupid and be lionized for it. Great stuff. Scary, but great. Oh, Raw...Right.

Rating relative to sex: This match was like sex with a virgin. Slow, plodding, and not all that enjoyable. No one seemed to know what they were doing. Kinda seemed pointless.

Then Test and Goldust set up the same segment from last week. Then they did the same segment from last week. Stacy didn't "give any" to Test in a week. I feel sorry for Goldust, who at one point had to "take some" from that augmented oompa loompa Terri.

Then Bischoff came out to Austin's song. This is where the show took a dive for me. I am tired of Jim Ross' being gay for Stone Cold. I am not against the gays, I am against gays who pretend not to be gay. After practically hearing Ross' urethra overflow at the sound of Austin's music, and then seeing the shattered two-timed-at-the-prom look on his face when it was just Bischoff, I am now completely freaked out by Ross and Austin's "friendship". I have never had a male friend who was that into me. I hope I never do. This is weird. No one cares that much about someone they aren't related to or having sex with. It's gross. I want it to stop. Then Ross quits because he can't bear to call the show without seeing the blue-eyed stud he beats his withered hickory stick to every night. And still no one explains what Lita of all people had the presence of mind to cover on Heat in her pitiful commentary. Which is why, if he's hurt, his friends and/or fans would want him to work. Ugh. Such bad, bad television.

Then Goldust beat Steven Richards. I am not prepared to watch Steven Richards in the seventh quarter hour. He's not worthy. This match had no build and no meaning. On the bright side, Goldie resurrected the noggin-knocker.

Rating relative to sex: A handjob. Kinda of just there, nothing to write home about. Pointless, really.

Then Jericho and Triple H remembered that they don't like each other. Nice attention to detail, only it should have been done before the Survivor Series where for some reason they got along famously despite the title being on the line. Flair came off as completely above both of them. Was that intentional.

Then some French guys predicted they'd be hated for being French. Why is America so bent out of shape over the French not supporting them? The Tonight Show mocks them every night. Who cares? They're French. What help could they be? "Ohh...We will surrendur and while they're butt-fucking us with baugette you can attack them from behind!"
Bah. I'm no politician.

Then the main event kicked ass. It ended with Booker T pinning Triple H clean, again. In a tag-match, again. Take what you can get, Book. Then Booker and Shawn Michaels were attacked by a hobbling gorilla, a rock star, and an old man. They are then saved by a hobbling giraffe. It was a fun segment to watch. Jericho took a powerbomb. Nash dyed his hair, and it honestly makes him look a lot younger. Triple H sold fear of a guy who, at the time of his injury, would probably have ended up selling fear of Trips. Oh how times have changed.

Rating relative to sex: The works. This match practically swallowed it was so good.

All in all, this show has a ton of holes in it. I still enjoyed it, but more in the "i love wrestling" way and not so much in the "good show" kind of way.


Smackdown, April 10, 2003.

Brock Lesnar comes in to open the festivities. Everyone is real thrilled to meet Brock Lesnar. You know ‘cuz the inflexible narrative of WWE storytelling tells you so. Look, those paid actors are excited to see Brock- that means he is a very good and fun superstar who is worthy of having his title. Next week, watch as he rides a bus around the continental United States. A tit is signed, but Brock, being the big 290 pound pussy he is, signs her shirt boobie instead of her flesh boobie. You always sign the flesh boobie. It was right there! Come on, Brock!

Then Brock Lesnar meets Matthew Hardy, version1.0! This match had some solid stuff. First thing I noticed was the sheer joy on Lesnar’s face as he gorilla hopped down the aisle. He really seems to be loving what he’s doing. Brock kicks Hardy’s belt aside because you see it’s for small guys and small guys are completely inferior to big guys. The match is good. It’s not a squash, which is the most you can hope for. Hardy works the neck and does it well. Shannon more takes more bumps in a managerial role outside than Nathan Jones has taken so far in his matches. Michael Cole gets across that Matt is a fool for wanting to face the Champion. Because the Champion’s real real big. And you just don’t monkey with real real big. Ugh. And this is the good announce team. Matt’s Twist of Fate is turned into an F-5 and a nice win for Brock.

Rating relative to sex: This match was like a nice doggy-style bang when you’re 16 years old. It didn’t last very long, one person took a hell of a pounding and just lay there when it was over.

Then Vince sent Hogan home while still paying him. Odd that they think this will lead to sympathy. And I don’t see why it should bother Hogan, either. This is the same contract he had with WCW while he was their world champion.

Then Sable came out. She’s French. The name should be pronounced Saab-la. I don’t care what you “I’d-rather-have-Ivory-‘cuz-she-looks-like-my-Aunt-Ruth-and-I’m –into-that” freaks say. Sable is a pretty lady with a nice smile. Is she older? Yeah. Pick up a biology textbook retards, it happens to everybody. She needs a tan, tho. And my genitals in her mouth. Er…Uh…

Then We were faced with Torrie teaming with Brain Kendrick to meet the formidable team of Jamie Noble and Nidia. Nidia looked nice. If she’s getting the Angle-Beef, I’ll pass, though. Noble proved in this match he’s still one of the more reliable and worthwhile hands on the show. He sells great. He just don’t win much. The match ends with trained wrestler Nidia jobbing to the prom queen. I’d say this match made me want to puke, but given Torrie’s past I’ll forgo the analogy. Note…Torrie dressed like a big whore. And Sable applauded her. For some reason this made me long for Marty Jannetty.

Rating relative to sex: This was basically beating off. It was necessary, it had to be gotten out of the way eventually, and it could have been done at any time.

Then there was a bad actor’s seminar backstage. Benoit acted badly as he congratulated Brock. In a…”That’s strange” moment, the 5’9” Benoit looked no more than an inch and half to two inches shorter than the supposedly 6’4” Lesnar. I bet all that 6’4” stuff is just a big fat lie. Then Rhyno came in and acted badly, allowing the bad actors to continuing acting badly. Then Brock acted smarmy. He did so badly. They finished it off by promoting Backlash under their breath. This was worse than the acting in Crossroads. With all the one-dimensionality going on I thought my TV was going to explode and be replaced with an Atari.

Then Rhyno and Crisp Benoit came in. I call him Crisp Benoit, because everything he does is Crrrispy Crisp. It was fun abound. Started out slow, everything made sense, and Rhyno almost headbutt the second turnbuckle off a gore attempt which probably would have killed him. Good match, Benoit nailed the headbutt which is still the most illogical move on this show and never makes any sense to me, but it looks real cool. Benoit won with a backslide, and that’s what they need to do. End matches on moves no one would expect them to end on. After the match Rhyno and Benoit shake hands. It’s just like the Mega-Powers. Except without anyone caring.

Then Sable stole Torrie’s towel and held it for her, forcing the former nWo
play-thing to walk over to her. Miles away from this little scene, a million little hogan’smydads flood my underpants in a tumultuous eruption. But I’m sure that would have happened anyway.

Then we saw the Piper’s pit moment where he hit that murderous crackhead Jimmy Snuka with a coconut. Why can’t Snuka and Austin form a tag-team where they go around preventing domestic abuse, and call themselves Irony Incorporated. Oh and by the way, we’ve seen this enough. I get it, he hit him with coconut. Can we move on, please?

Then the rolled out the carpet. And guess who came to dinner. Vince. And he eventually, after some commercials said some really stupid stuff about Hulkamania. The latest stupid thing Vince said was that he “injected Hulkamania with a lethal dose of leprosy”. Yeah, that makes sense. Idiot. Well if anyone would know when that became injectable, Vince would. Anyway, he then claimed Piper was one of his creations. Piper came out and acted like Piper. Vince insulted him for a bit, made fun of his gut “piper’s pit or piper’s paunch”. Then Piper pointed out that Vince failed at everything he ever did except wrestling, ironic considering his film career. Piper cites Vince’s failed rock promoter stint before getting into wrestling full-tilt, which only 7 people know about including Vince himself and Meltzer. He brings up the WBF, which I liked, but once again the fans were not aware of what the hell that was a reference to. Finally he brought up the XFL. The fans didn’t jump on it. They both agreed they hate Hogan. Piper tried hard get the audience to boo him, despite the fact they clearly didn’t want to. Eventually he tells Vince that he lost to Hogan at Wrestlemania and Piper never did. Yeah, so I guess losing a tag-match only counts when you get pinned. Or so it is in the wasteland that is Piper’s mind. Then Rikishi comes out for coconut revenge. Honestly, the Gottis don’t hold grudges like this. Then the devil came out, I mean Sean O’Haire, and he and Piper beat up a fat man, related to a murderous crackhead and seeking revenge for that murderous crackhead, who rubs his bare ass in other men’s faces against their will. The most morally ambiguous segment in wrestling history.

Then the French are still attacking. These guys are so cool. They’ll be heel as long as it takes the ladies to cream their thongs about them, which won’t take long, if I know ladies.

Then Team Uncle (‘cuz they make ya say Uncle, see?) were blessed by the “mic time” fairy. It isn’t pretty. After that they battle Teej and Rey. It is a fast, exciting match that lets both teams incoproarate their styles into the flow without clashing horribly. Rey wins it with a big springboard legdrop.

Rating relative to sex: Sort of like doing your girlfriend after being in prison for a real long time. It wasn’t like you weren’t getting any action before, but that action was dirty, and this was so much better.

Then Josh Matthews continued to come off like a guy who would easily be raped by the Undertaker, and might even welcome the idea. ‘Taker demands respect. He don’t mind getting beat up, but backstage he should be respected. He thinks he’s earned it. Yeah, for a guy handed a gimmick that couldn’t possibly fail, he did all right. Cena apparently made some comments I missed last week. ‘Taker swears a beat up, a shut up, and a bust up. If I were a porn director I might know what all that meant.

Then Nathan Jones beat Bill De Mott. At this point, I reverently remembered that I left my VCR running all morning and it taped four episodes of Dawson’s Creek off TBS. I decided to watch the trials and tribulations of the Capeside Kids for a couple minutes instead of watching this match. I did come back into to see bad selling and the ending. Which was a crappy kick. A kick that made Test sit back and think, “well, my job’s amazing” and then, patting Stacy on the back of the head, think “and I’ll be employed for a while too”…

Rating relative to sex: Like being raped by Priest. Wrong. Just…Wrong.

Then somewhere in the mid-west, Honky Tonk Man cursed Jeff Jarrett’s name. That has nothing to do with anything but it’s probably true. And not only that, the FBI (Full Blooded Italians, that is) filed a complaint about things being stolen from them. The Chicago police don’t wonder for a second why anyone would have 1200 dollars in cash in their duffle bag, but we’re in Chicago so it makes sense.

Then Nathan Jones was arrested. ‘Taker bitched about discrimination, like a democrat. I’m not complaining, I just never thought I’d see that. Jeez, ‘Taker, imagine if he was a Muslim. Jones was arrested.

Then John Cena rapped his way to the ring in a Montreal Expos jersey. Uh…Yeah. He did a very slow rap with tons of pauses in it but I guess he has to given the circumstances. The rap concludes with him saying that while Undertaker’s a dead man, he’s a necrophiliac. I love this guy. He’s quickly becoming one of my favourites on the whole roster, not just SD’s. Taker comes out and they do a one-sided assbeat until Cena chains ‘Takes. There’s a commercial in there somewhere. Then Cena works on the elbow, which I do believe is legitimately injured. Taker last rides Cena but the ref is down and can’t register the count. Then the FBI make a run-in and get beat down individually, until Billy Gunn’s ex-fiancé got ‘Taker with a chair. Then those dirty Eye-Talians swarmed the Undertaker who I think is Irish, and left him laying. Cena covered him and stole the win. Not that Cena should have bitch-i-fied ‘Takes, but he could have done a little better than this. Takes shoulda kicked out of this, and then went down to Cena’s sit-out DVD. Bah.

Rating relative to sex: Like sex with your girlfriend for the 300th time. No surprises, but not exactly boring. Although I guess that would depend on your girlfriend.

Rapid fire thoughts on weekly wrestling topics.

-If the Jericho/Goldberg thing is real they're both idiots. Now, you could send them home for a week, but hell, Goldberg would remember that somewhere in the world a dog's been starved and might not come back. So what I say is, leave it alone. If it happens again, fine them each 50 grand. Then see how many more fights break out.

-Triple H might do a movie. With Arnold. Bad timing. Why? Because in Hunter's case, it's no the year 2000 anymore and he doesn't reach the same fans he used to. And in Arnold's case, ditto, except replace 2000 with 1986.

-A lot of people PM me, and say, "Hogan's My Dad, what do YOU think about invading Iraq." I tell them I like a tit-bang as much as the next guy. Get it? Invading-a-rack? Oh nelly...

-Is Booker T ever getting the World title? Yes. Will he get it soon? Perhaps. Should we stop getting our hopes up in general? Definitely.

That’s all this week…Later…This is Hogan’s My Dad signing off.

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Mr. Boffo
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#2 Posted on 11.4.03 0204.46
Reposted on: 11.4.10 0206.58
A very good recap. The ratings relative to sex are hilarious. I liked the Smackdown recap more for some reason. The paragraph about Piper vs. Rikishi was hilarious. Your Smackdown observation of the French was humorous, and probably correct. I mean, I'm not gay, so I usually have no opinion on how guys look, but even I have to admit that those two are good looking.

I could have done without hearing about the ejaculation, however.
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#3 Posted on 11.4.03 0653.45
Reposted on: 11.4.10 0655.41
Are you trying to say I am gay? Why does everybody think that.

But in all seriousness, thanks. I liked the smackdown recap better as well. I'd like to do these weekly. We'll see how it goes, if ppl like it. Thanks again.
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#4 Posted on 11.4.03 1207.43
Reposted on: 11.4.10 1209.10

    Now, you could send them home for a week, but hell, Goldberg would remember that somewhere in the world a dog's been starved and might not come back

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Good recaps.
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#5 Posted on 11.4.03 1354.41
Reposted on: 11.4.10 1359.02

    Originally posted by Hogan's My Dad
    Then JR embarrasses himself by talking about whooping butt as if he hasn't listened to one thing the military directors have been saying for the past month. Lawler covers for him by throwing in the word liberate...Remembering that Lawler fucks little girls kills his credibility though...

I'm glad someone finally said this who wasn't me...
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#6 Posted on 11.4.03 1447.35
Reposted on: 11.4.10 1454.39
Very good column.

I also prefer your Smackdown section. It’s because we have so many Raw Reviews on the net and Smackdown doesn’t get near as much coverage.

Piper was clear about never getting pinned at Wreslemania by Hogan 1, 2, 3.

Agreed with your Sable comments. Good stuff.
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#7 Posted on 11.4.03 1855.35
Reposted on: 11.4.10 1859.05
Great stuff, Hogan. I agree with a lot of your cynicism (sp?). The sex comparisons are funny as hell. Looking forward to your next recap.
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