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25.10.07 2007
The 7 - Guest Columns - IWS-TV (April 9th, 2003) This One's For Paul
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The Great and Mighty OZ
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#1 Posted on 10.4.03 2144.35
Reposted on: 10.4.10 2144.35
The Great and Mighty OZ Broadcast #8

IWS-TV (April 9th, 2003)

It's time once again for IWS-TV and that means that's it's time to...


BREAK DOWN THE WALLS!!!

I'm PLAIN TEXT and I'm PROUD BAY-BUH!

IWS-TV

IWS-TV for April 9th, 2003

Not to start this recap on a downer note, but right after IWS-TV went off the air, I called my parents in the Laurentians, because my niece Meaghan really likes to answer the phone. She was making a cake with her mother and I was clowning her the way I usually do, misunderstanding everything she says deliberately, “You’re making a cake? What kind of a cake? A spinach cake? No? An onion cake? A squirrel cake? Oh, it’s with chocolate? A chocolate squirrel cake? No? Chocolate chips? So, its a chocolate chip squirrel cake? No? There’s no squirrel in it? It’s shaped like a squirrel? What did you say, honey? Paul died?”

Paul died.

Those were words that I was expecting to hear at some point, maybe this summer, but not today. Paul was my cousin. He was older and bigger than me, but he was also... a... little... s... l... o... w... So, whenever we went to New Brunswick for the summer, I always ended up being put in charge of Paul, which was a little confusing for both of us. I understood that Paul was different, that he was special, but I always felt a little envious of Paul because he was taller, and stronger and because Paul never had any doubts. Paul was always full of life, and he never understood why I was so cautious, so afraid. Paul rushed into things with reckless and infectious enthusiasm, and I admired him for that.

Last year, my mother told me that Paul was sick with cancer, and that his doctors had refused to operate. I was stunned; I was angry; I was sickened. It made me reevaluate my life. I left a job and a boss that I was coming to hate, and I put more emphasis into my writing. I took risks that I never would have before because they were what Paul would have done in my place.

But I never visited Paul and I never called him or wrote to him to tell him how just knowing him had changed my life.

Paul got a reprieve last year. I have an uncle Bill who lives in New York and he got Paul a second opinion. He had his operation and it was a success and he got better in a hurry. I told myself that I would take time out to visit or to write or to call. But then the cancer came back. I knew that Paul was living on borrowed time, but I thought that time was months, not weeks, or days or hours.

My mother told me that Paul had started falling down. Paul was a big guy, when he fell down it wasn’t easy to get him back up. She told me that his parents Jackie and Drew took him to the hospital today at 9 am. She got a call after lunch. She thought it was from her brother Chris, Drew’s other uncle, “Mich, Chris” “Yes” “Paul died” “Oh God, poor Drew” “This is Drew”

I never did visit Paul or write to him or call him or visit him to tell him how just knowing him, just being his cousin changed my life. And now it’s too late. Knowing Paul made me a better person, a braver person, I just wish that I could have told him that before I ran out of time.

If I have any consolation, it is that what I am doing now, writing about wrestling, being a fan of wrestling, are things that I think that Paul would have enjoyed as well. This recap is for Paul.

This week is my first week with high speed access. Of course changing to high speed access meant that I had to replace all my plug-ins, so I figured out just before 7 pm that I had to down load Windows Media Player again. But high speed meant that the download happened in about a minute so other than the traditional reboot that I always seem to do at 7pm before IWS-TV, I was ready to go almost on time. There is no truth to the rumour that IWS-TV is always a little bit late because they wait until I am logged in to start by the way.

Like last week, they were playing the end of last week’s show. Just to repeat the relevant parts of last week’s recap:
We then get a Beef Wellington and El Generico back-stage skit. El Generico is getting water when Beef comes up and starts running his mouth, “I’ll have some Evian with a taste of lime. HEY! El Generico. Kamikaze Kid, have you seen him? You know the guy that you beat by fluke? You are a joke, you know that? How did you get a title shot? You don’t deserve a title shot; you don’t deserve to be in the IWS; you don’t deserve to be in wrestling, you are a joke.”

Finally, El Generico SNAPS and slugs Beef Wellington and stalks off. Beef stumbles and the calls out, “That didn’t hurt! OUCH! I need a dentist...”

We’re back, and Peter LaSalle steals one of Brian the Guppie’s favourite words, “That’s DEPLORABLE. The strain of a title shot is too much, Guppie. Finally, this guy is SNAPPING.”

El Generico charges on to the set and stares into the camera and making the universal symbol for “I want the belt,” he declares, “El Generico, Onyx, IWS, Freedom to Fight, IWS, ocho y nada, IWS, Onyx, Generico, LaSalle y puta”

El Generico stalks off leaving Peter LaSalle to wonder, “Why do I need to be called a puta?”

Brian the Guppie declares, “Next week is the last show before Freedom to Fight. We will have an answer about the Green Phantom and Arsenal situation. More matches will be announced. And other surprises. Next week on BloodStream!”

Peter LaSalle responds, “There is only a 75% chance of that actually happening,” and they end the show arguing over whose line is what.


Opening Credits

Peter LaSalle is wearing a black boa this week.

Brian the Guppie starts us off, “April 12th, Freedom to Fight is only a few days away. Already announced, Angry Aryans vs. Faces of Death revenge match; Career Killer Kurt Lauderdale vs. Wailing Jimmy Handjob; El Generico vs. Dru Onyx for the IWS heavyweight title; and the main event Ninja vs. Ninja in a no rope barb wire match.”

Peter LaSalle is a very excited man, “Freedom to Fight, three days away, get your beavers whacked up we’ve got work to do. Aryans vs. FOD revenge will be sweet; Kurt Lauderdale vs. Wailing Jimmy Handjob unbelieveable; El Generico called me a Fucking PUTA, do I deserve that? Does anyone have a Spanish dictionary? Puta. Is that one of those chia pet things? Ninja vs. Ninja, I booked it!

Brian the Guppie disagrees quickly, “You didn’t book it, you only translated the scroll. Who is going to win Ninja or Ninja?”

Peter LaSalle retorts, “Translator is ancient Egyptian for Booker, Guppie. I think that Ninja is going to win.”

Brian the Guppie realizes his mistake, “Okay, that was a good idea. I agree Ninja as well. No seriously, I believe that Ninja Number One will kick his brother’s ass.”

Peter LaSalle gives his prediction as well, “Which one is with Patterson, Ninja Two? I pick Ninja Two.”

Brian the Guppie moves into shill mode, “We now have Pat Hamilton vs. Fred le Magnifique from the Violent Valentines DVD on sale at Freedom to Fight.”

They show us the last half of the match. I’ll just quote from Llakor’s recap of the match from his (and mine) Violent Valentine recap. As usual for our double-team recaps, my comments are in the parentheses and italics, and Llakor’s comments are everything else.

Fred grabs Pat for a German suplex, rolls through it for another, and THR-NO! Pat counters, reverses, and he throws Fred for a VICIOUS German suplex, and he rolls through it for another, and THREE TIMES A LADY! And that last one damn near killed Fred. Pat readies for Fred le Merveilleux to get up and knocks him back down with a whip lash clothes line. Pat waits again for Fred to get to his feet, but this time Fred le Merveilleux is ready for Pat’s clothes line and he counters it into a suplex and the cover for One and Two and Pat slaps Fred to break the pin.

( Oooooh! I love it when guys use slaps to break pins. It makes more sense when a heel does it, but in the context of the IWS and of this match it makes perfect sense. It is very much a veteran maneuver by a veteran performer. )

Fred rolls Pat up from the ropes for ONE! and Pat rolls out of it. Fred tries to roll Pat up again, but he succeeds only in rolling Pat to the outside, where someone gives Pat some BEER!

( OH, he’s strong to the finish
Cause he drinks his Guiness!
)

Fred has gone to the outside as well. Fred le Merveilleux hits Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton with an ax handle - No Sell. Fred tries for a double ax handle - NO SELL! Both men roll in. Fred steals Pat’s beer and drinks some. Fred sputters and gags.

( Are we sure that Fred le Merveilleux is from Quebec? Because he’s acting like some pansy Parisien right now. )

In desperation, Fred runs and grabs a chair. He charges Pat with it, who ducks it easily and Fred le Merveilleux hits the ropes with the chair, bouncing the chair off the ropes and taking the chair right in the kisser. While Pat knocks Fred le Merveilleux on his ass, Double R, Righteous Rick Sterling has snuck out and he climbs to the top rope to ambush Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton with a reverse bulldog neck snap thing. and that looks just painful. Fred takes advantage for the cover and ONE! and TWO! and THREE! and the pin.

Fred le Merveilleux pins Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton with help from Double R, Righteous Rick Sterling, Time of match 10:10.

After the bell, Double R, Righteous Rick Sterling, rolls Pat’s shirt over his head so that he can decorate Pat’s chest with some knife-edge chopped tattooing. After bringing up some nice red welting on Pat’s gefilte white skin, Sterling muscles Pat over in a suplex. Fred le Merveilleux adds his Jerry Lawler Memphis Memorial Wonder Punch fist drop, and encourages Sterling to add one of his own. Over Peanut’s protests, Sterling scoops Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton up and slams him down, setting him so that Sterling can climb to the top rope and drop the leg from the top. Double R, Righteous Rick Sterling shakes hands with Fred le Merveilleux, and they leave together at 9:50.

( Double R, Righteous Rick Sterling, an anglophone from Ontario teaming up with Fred le Merveilleux a francophone from Quebec? That’s a marriage made in HELL! Still, that was a tremendous after-match beat down, and while the match was very 1980’s WWF Superstars, it was a good high-end WWF Superstars match. I give it SEVEN erect nipples. )


No, I am not explaining the erect nipple rating system. Read the full recap.

We’re back with Brian the Guppie, “Tonight on IWS-TV, we offered you an exclusive sneak peek at the Violent Valentine DVD on sale at Freedom to Fight.”

Peter LaSalle horns in, “Buy the DVD and put my kids through fucking school!”

Brian the Guppie stops to admire Peter LaSalle , “You’re such a classy guy, we have done what 30 shows? 26? and during every show I have to stop and admire the class that you bring to this show.”

Peter LaSalle is totally immune to sarcasm, “Thank you. And you know that I have tons of fans out there, and this week I am giving back to those fans. Because I am a giving guy. But not right now, later. Right now, I have a memo, from the front office. At Freedom to Fight, Kurt Lauderdale fights Wailing Jimmy Handjob.”

Brian the Guppie can’t believe his ears, “Are you serious? You’re joking right? First of all, that’s a menu you pulled out of your back pocket. Second of all, Kurt Lauderdale vs. Wailing Jimmy Handjob has been booked for weeks. We just talked about it at the start of the show. I have a REAL IWS memo here and it is about you, LaSalle. Apparently, we have footage of you and President Seska tonight.”

Peter LaSalle no-sells, “What footage of me and President Seska? I have put that whole Carol Coxxx fiasco behind me. You have nothing to show Guppie.”

They break for commercial, but first we see a brief skit between President Seska and Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris. Joey is sitting at a table drinking coffee. Seska drops some papers at Joey’s feet and does everything in her power to get him to pick up the papers, claiming that she has a bad back. Joey makes a variety of remarks about bad backs being a job hazard in the porn industry and is totally immune to Seska’s increasingly desperate attempts to get him to take his attention off his coffee cup. Finally, by bringing up his bloated expense account and a meeting with the IWS accountant, Seska distracts Joey long enough to put something in his drink, presumably for revenge for what he did to her two weeks before. Seska leaves, and Joey heads off to meet the accountant leaving the drugged drink behind.

Blood Sweat & Beers commercial.

We come back from the commercial to find Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris taking stock of his new office in the IWS electrical room.

“I just had my new office painted and redecorated and Seska steals it and puts me in this back lot of an office. That porn whore is going to pay for putting me in this shit hole of an office.”

XS69 comes in.

“Oh Good XS69, I asked my secretary to have you drop by. I know that you don’t speak much English, but I am here to tell you that with my guidance you can go straight to the top. Just say yes XS, and I will take you to the top. You will be the hottest new thing, XS success in the IWS, team success. Here’s a ten year contract. Say yes to success XS, yes, you do love wrestling and I love that you love wrestling. Yes, sign right there. Just to show how quickly you will rise to the top, I am putting you in a number one’s contender match with the Green Phantom and Arsenal. Between you and the Green Phantom, you should be able to take care of Arsenal. There’s a sucker born every minute and I’m glad that I’m here to take advantage.”

We’re back with Brian the Guppie, “That was breathtaking, but not so breathtaking as shaved scrotum. I was just glancing through my latest issue of Cosmo and they had a fascinating article on shaved scrotums.”

Peter LaSalle goes along with the conversation, “There are a lot of things to think about when you shave your ball sac, Guppie. Not to say that it’s not worth the trouble...”

Mercifully at this point we get STATIC. The static resolves itself to show us Beef Wellington, Kid kamikaze and Kurt Lauderdale.

Beef Wellington addresses us, “Kurt, we are so in. Welcome to IWS-TV. Yes, you heard me correctly, IWS. Incredible Westmount Sensations TV. Rather than making you put up with Guppie and LaSalle, I am Beef Wellington and this is my partner, the Westmount Playboy, Kid Kamikaze. Together we are Hi-5. Kurt, how did we do this again?”

Kurt Lauderdale while chewing on some tasty looking KFC, has a very precise and technical description of how he hacked into the IWS computers, which I won’t repeat for fear of the information falling into the wrong hands.

Beef doesn’t understand a word either, “So every week, actually that’s a lot of work, every other week, no we have busy schedules, well, when we feel like it, we will come on and relieve your tedium by bringing you some real entertainment. What the hell is this? A Memo from President Seska. We have to defend titles at the next show or we will be stripped of the titles. That is so unfair, we just defended them two months ago. Oh yeah, Kurt, nothing important, you have to wrestle Wailing Jimmy Handjob. Man, it’s so unfair that we have to defend our titles. Kurt, can we have some chicken? No? Oh come on Kurt...”

We’re back and Brian the Guppie is still talking about shaved scrotums, “I appreciate the advice, LaSalle, it’s close to what Cosmo was saying. Just before we saw some amazing booking. At our next event we will have a three way dance between Phantom, Arsenal and Onyx to determine the number one contender.

Peter LaSalle is up and dancing, “Three way dance. I’m doing the three way dance. I still have that surprise, quel surprise, but not yet.”

They throw to a commercial but just before we see Peter LaSalle working out with a dumb bell as he walks past the table where Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris’ (spiked) coffee mug sits, “Peter LaSalle. Peter LaSalle. Peter LaSalle. Who’s the most powerful host on the internet? Brian the Guppie or Peter LaSalle? Peter LaSalle. Peter LaSalle. Peter LaSalle. Nice refreshing beverage don’t mind if I do. Hmmm.... that’s kind of spicy.”

He exits pumping iron.

Team 990 ad.

We come back to a skit of Brian the Guppie talking to himself in front of the mirror, wailing about the lack of respect. Peter LaSalle staggers up incoherent and makes Brian the Guppie tweak his nipple before staggering away.

We’re back in the studio and Peter LaSalle is mortified, “That wasn’t me, that was Dru Onyx. That was bullshit, I forget all about that. Why is everyone after me? That’s not right Guppie.”

Brian the Guppie is enjoying this, “I have never seen speechless before, interrupted important conversation. Yes, with my mirror. Everyone knows about my mirror, my one true friend, but no one knew about touch, toucha, toucha me.”

Peter LaSalle is not being a good sport about this, “Fuck off!”

Brian the Guppie regretfully moves on, “According to my script, it’s time for your surprise.”

Peter LaSalle brightens, “My surprise. This is me giving back to the fans. This is footage that was sealed by the Commissioner. I got it unsealed. This is Elsa Bangz at Know Your Enemies.”

Peter LaSalle is suitably impressed, “Wow, the Commissioner sealed that footage when he fired Elsa Bangz.”

In brief, the Elsa footage is Elsa coming to the ring to complain about Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris suspending her for flashing the IWS crowds. Elsa asks the crowd if they mind being flashed, and to the roars of approval takes her shirt off. Joey rushes to the ring to cover her up before she gets her bra off, but Elsa throws off the bra and runs away from Joey with Joey in hot pursuit to cover her up. After Joey gets Elsa to leave by threatening to fire her, President Seska comes out to give him shit for covering up Elsa (and to ban him from ring side during the main event so that he can’t help the Green Phantom against Onyx.) While Joey blusters, Seska tells him that he can try and ban tits but he can’t do anything about ass, and giving him the full moon, invites him to kiss hers.

And this is exactly where I lost power because Quebec Hydro was doing maintenance work in my neighbourhood. Maybe I should clarify...
This is exactly where I lost power... while I was writing my recap.

We come back to Peter LaSalle doing pushups and Brian the Guppie declaring, “You da man!”

Peter LaSalle agrees, “I AM da man!”

Brian the Guppie brings him back down to Earth, “Peter LaSalle is the man. So how did you get that tape cleared by Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris?”

Peter LaSalle plays dumb, “What do you mean get it cleared? It was sealed. I went to the office and I took the tape and I unsealed it and I gave it to the guys in the booth to play it.”

Brian the Guppie turns into Brian the WEASEL, “When Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris sealed that tape he said there would be serious consequences for anyone who plays that tape. Do I think he’ll be mad? Yeah, well he slaps me around for no reason. I think that we are looking at a possibly unemployed Peter LaSalle.”

Peter LaSalle FREAKS, “Why did you wait until NOW to tell me this? I am going to be fired! Why me? Oh lord, why me!”

Brian the WEASEL is enjoying himself just a touch too much, “I’ll make sure that Joey sees a copy of tonight’s tape. If you can compose yourself to commentate, we have a match between Beef Wellington and Latino Mysterio to look at.”

Normally, a Beef Wellington match perks Peter LaSalle right up, but he spends the first two thirds of the match moaning about the unemployment line and his inability to concentrate as Brian the Guppie tries to commentate around him. Finally, after a “yakuza kick” Peter LaSalle perks up to say, “The Yakuza is the Jewish Mafia.”

Brian the Guppie assures Peter LaSalle, “I’ll vouch for you don’t worry. Olympic eye gouge. That’s Beef with a laminated Titanic poster.”

Peter LaSalle is quick to correct, “That’s not just any Titanic poster, that’s an autographed poster signed by Leo himself.”

Brian the Guppie accepts the correction, “Beef has the poster between two chairs. He drags Latino Mysterio up to the top rope. What is he going to do. TIGER DRIVER! OH MY GOD! Tiger Driver! Tiger Driver! Tiger Driver through the wood, LaSalle. And Beef has Latino Mysterio bent over a chair as he goes up top for the ass punch. The ass punch one of the most useless moves in all of wrestling.”

Peter LaSalle will not hear his hero disparaged, “What are you talking about? The ass punch is one of the most devastating finishers in all of wrestling. And Beef is doing it with a broken hand. He is risking his life to thrill the fans and get the pin here, Guppie, you ungrateful bastard.”

Brian the Guppie waves it off, “After a Tiger Driver through a poster, he could have used anything to pin Latino Mysterio. Kamikaze Kid is in the ring. They call that the Five D. It’s the Dudley Death Drop, the 3D, I don’t know what the 5 stands for. Latino Kid is in to defend his brother. He levels Hi-5, OH MY GOD it’s Kurt Lauderdale, Career Killer, Kurt Lauderdale.”

We’re Back and Brian the Guppie is fuming over Kurt Lauderdale destroying Los Latinos, “Someone needs to stop Kurt Lauderdale. At Freedom to Fight, Wailing Jimmy Handjob will have a chance to do just that in Kurt Lauderdale’s first match in the IWS. After playing that Elsa Bangz footage, the Renaissance Man might not be around much longer. I appreciate you playing that, the fans appreciate it, I just don’t think that Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris appreciates it.”

Peter LaSalle is despondent again, “Don’t say that!”

We break for a commercial, but first we get the Kurt Lauderdale Career Killer Promo from last week again. I paid slightly better attention this week.
“Wailing Jimmy Handjob, you want to get in the ring with me, I will turn you into a quadriplegic just like I injured Steve Royds, Irish Mike Luger, Jacques Rougeau, Billy Gunn. I’m here in the IWS to make an IMPACT!”

Team 990 Commercial

We’re Back and Peter LaSalle is still in despair, “Three days away from Freedom to Fight everything is going great, and now this blunder.”

Brian the WEASEL offers no comfort whatsoever, “Maybe the Commissioner will show some mercy. No, I don’t really think that will happen. I have here a memo, a real IWS memo, LaSalle. Already announced on the show: Hi-5 will have to defend their titles at Freedom to Fight or be stripped of the titles. When was that announced? And we have more footage of YOU, LaSalle, finally it’s my night.”

Peter LaSalle barges in to President Seska’s office and deliriously mistakes her for Carol. He does everything but dry-hump her leg before collapsing on the floor in front of her desk. Seska looks distressed, “He must have taken that drink and that means that Joey didn’t... oh shucks.”

We’re back and Peter LaSalle takes some small comfort from the fact that he didn’t end up ripping all his clothes off, “That explains everything I was drugged, my judgement must still be off, that’s why I played that tape. Think the Commissioner will buy that?”

Brian the WEASEL offers no encouragement, “No. I think that I am going to have to break in a new partner. ARSENAL!”

Arsenal has in fact charged on to the set, “I don’t need to win a number one contender’s match! I have earned a title shot! At Freedom to Fight, I will take Green Phantom and XS69. And then, Dru Onyx, I have your number, at Tournament of the Icons, I beat you in the middle of the ring... One... Two... THREE! Guppie, do you have any questions, you always have questions for me? Don’t you want to ask me about how many matches I have lost in 2003. I am UN-DE-FEA-TED! Guppie! Undefeated in 2003!”

Arsenal stalks off leaving Brian the Guppie to say weakly, “I thought he refused to do this show.”

They throw to a confrontation between El Generico and Hi-5 with Kurt Lauderdale. Beef gets in El Generico’s match declaring that El Generico wouldn’t dare hit him now that it’s a fair fight. They jump him and start thumping on him in the IWS practice ring, Dru Onyx runs in and it breaks down into Onyx facing off with Kurt Lauderdale and El Generico facing off with Beef Wellington and Kamikaze Kid. Onyx seems to have the upper hand with Kurt Lauderdale, but Hi-5 has the advantage over El Generico. Arsenal and Green Phantom charge in, and Hi-5 and Kurt bail. Eventually, Onyx and El Generico clear the ring leaving El Generico holding Onyx’s belt.

As Guppie and LaSalle shill Freedom to Fight, Saturday, April 12th, 9pm, Le Skaratch, 965 Cure Labelle, Chomedey, Laval, Quebec, CANADA, Onyx asks for his title belt, “Can I have my title back please? My belt... hand it over. What are you stupid? Give me my fucking belt!”

El Generico looks at the belt, looks at Onyx, thinks it over and... FINALLY... reluctantly... hands the belt over. Mind you, you could tell it was a close thing whether he handed it back or hit Onyx with it.

One last thing before Freedom to Fight. I have been told by sources in the IWS that because the IWS is moving to new studios next week that IWS-TV is going on a two week hiatus returning April 30th. So, until then, this is the Great and Mighty OZ preparing to defend my FREEDOM TO FIGHT!

Older IWS-TV recaps can be found HERE!
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