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The 7 - Guest Columns - Smackdown Results!
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Hot Newz
Bauerwurst
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#1 Posted on 9.4.03 1547.59
Reposted on: 9.4.10 1549.01
OMFGLOL! Finally I am bizzack with more Hot Newz after literally YEARS! A few months ago, my mom caught me making out with my hot girlfreind on our couch! And I had my hand up my girlz skirt and my mom was like "your too young for that, dood" and the biznatch grounded me from teh internet! but I still sneaked out later that nite and popped my girl'z balloon, if you smell what the Newz is cooking! anyway, mom said she'd let me back on to write a special Hot Newz special for WrestleMania and I did, but then after I wrote it my computer locked up and it was deleted!!! and I think someone must have HACK0RED (as the kidz say!) into my computer and deleted Hot Newz! And I'm not sure but I think it mighte have been someone from the WWE trying to stop me giving all there results out! Or it mite have been Scott Keith because he's GELLOUS of me because I'm now the number one most popular wrestling writer in the world! Or it might have been that Norwegian guy who hacked into Roddy Piper's email, because that guy's a mastur hacker...OR SHOULD I SAY A MASTURWANKER LOL!

Anyhoo! to make up for ground me UNJUSTLY my mom got me and my girl tickets to the smackdown tapings!!! And I went!!!! And here are the results!!!!1

First were some gay dark matchs who cares, if these guys were any good they'd allready be in the WWE! And then Kanyon came out dressed as Britney Spears and sang Baby One More Time and that's his new gimmick and he beat some Nova guy never heard of him, but then Sean O'Haire came out for his dark match and said "Everyone take drugs, drink alcohol, commit murder, kick puppies and take lots of caffeine!" and we all cheered him because all that stuff is kewl and he was like "Grr, I'm supposed to be a heel!". And then Scott Vick came out and we all laughed at him because he's been in dark matches for four years and he muttered "I hate my life"!

Next was some Velocity match so I went to get a hot dog and some nachos and a Nathan Jones t-shirt (JOKE LOL!) and when I got back some guy was hitting on my girl and she was acting like she was into him just to mess with his mind, and she even made out with him a littel just to really confuse him, so I sneaked up behind the guy and pushed him down the bleachers! And security was going to throw me out but I explained I'm friends with Brad Shaw and suddenly they looked all scared and ran away and Funaki was in the ring so I just made out with my girl for ten minutes until the REAL matches started.

First match was Rey Misterio versus Bill DeMott! And Rey hit the 619 right away but Bill just totally no sold it and started laughing I thought he was switching back into his Hugh Morris character and I was scared! then Bill picked up Rey wiht ONE HAND and spun him around above his head and it was unbelievable and I couldn't believe my eyes so I waved my hand in front of my eyes to make sure I wasn't imagining it but I could see my hand and I knew then that this amazing feat of strengh had actually happened! And then Rey rolled him up for the pin!

backstage bit with Brian Kendrick and Stephanie. And Brian wants to bee on the show tonite but Stephanie says he can only be on it if he does something special to her underneath her desk and Brian goes under the desk and then you hear Stephanie moaning in delight and saying "that feels gooood!" Then Brian comes up and says "was that a good enough FOOT MASSAGE, Stephanie?" And she says "Yes, thanks. Now perform oral sex on me!"

Next match is Chris Beniot versus Rhyno. And before the match Benoit said that he's changing that name of his German suplexes to Freedom Throws out of respect for the US troops since Germany opposes war on Irak! But then Rhyno reminded Benoit that he's actually FRENCH Canadian and Benoit was all confused and didnt know what to think so Rhyno gored him! But then Rhyno said he's not going to do the Gore anymore out of respect for Goldberg but then he couldn't think of any other moves to do and Benoit grabed him and gave him three rolling freedom throws for the win! And it was the best match of the night.

Next was a skit with Eddy and Chavo, Los Thiefing Mexicans! and they saw an old woman and tried to take her wallet and the old bag screamed "I have no money!" so Chavo punched her but then she said she recognizes them from the teevee and she's going to tell the police! And meanwhile the FBI were stealing a car (it's a cross-over skit!) and the police were chasing them and when they drove by, Eddy pushed the old woman in front of the FBI's car and they mowed her down! and Eddy and Chavo ran away with the wallet laughing cheekily and hid in the bushes and watched as the police arrested the FBI. then Chavo opened the wallet and Eddy said "it's a victimless crime, esse!" but there was no money in the wallet, just old sweets! Then they ate the sweets!

Next Team Angl3e came out and started looking under the ring and we were confused until the black one said "We're looking for that rat bastard Saddamn Hussien to give him a good old USA ass-kicking!" and we all cheered and they're faces now but then Big Show and Albert ran (well, walked briskly!) out and beat them up and Big Show said "why don't you try looking up YOUR ASS!" and I was shocked and appalled.

Nexxt was Brian Kendrick versus Jamie Noble. But before the match, Nidia (who looks HOT in person!) started making out with random guys in the front row! And then she came to me and my girl and siad to her "hey aren't you Avril Lavinge?" because my girl looks EXACTLY like Avril only hotter and then she started making out with my girl!!!! And they were obviously just doing this to set up a threesome with me, and my girl acted like she was loving it and I thought Nidia slipped my girl a phonenumber but my girl said she didn't so I must have imagined it! And when they finally finished I said to Nidia "now it's my turn, bitch!" but Nidia just walked away so she must not have heard me! Oh yeah, teh match, Kendrick was exhuasted from pleasuring STephanie so Noble just punched him once and pinned him!

Next was the return of Pipers Pit! And first Piper talked about baseball for ten minutes for no reason and then finally his guests came out and they were Torrie Wilson and old woman Sable! And Sable asks Torrie if she can do The Grind on Torrie's face, but Torrie says no since she's dating Kidman! Then Sable says she'll sablebomb Kidman, but Torrie says "you can't powerbomb Kidman!" And then I held up a sign which said "Roddy Piper is played by Mike Myers!" meaning that he's a Fat Bastard! And I shooted "Get in ma belly!" at Piper and he was going to attack me but then some Norwegian guy ran out and jumped Piper! And meanwhile Sable pulled a coconut out of her bra and hit Torrie with it like Jimmy Snuka did that one time! And then Sable started giving Torrie mouth to mouth ressucitateon, with tongue!

Next was Undertaker versus John Cena! And here's the rap Cena did, word 4 word!

Yo, it's time once again for a John C rap
Undertaker, you'll be so scared of my thugenomics that you'll fill your pants with crap!
You're known as The Dead Man, booger red and big evil
When I hit you with my death valley driver, you betta not no-sell!
What, evil and sell rhym, don't diss me fool
This ain't ballet, I'm gonna kick your ass, not challenge you to a duel!
You murdered your own parents, burned them in a house fire
Your recent matches with Big Show and Albert have been totally dire!
You're so old you need to ride a bike, you're no longer dead man walking
My rape is over now, I'm sure you'll all agree I did some serious mocking!

It was the best rap EVAR! And the match sucked Cena just held him in a chinlock for five minutes then the FBI ran in (I don't know how they got out of jail!) and started hitting him with lead steel pipes and Nathan Jones tried to run in to save but he tripped ont the ramp and knocked himself out! And Cena won!

Next was Brock Lesnar versus Matt Hardy! And the Matt facts were "Matt and Lita do it doggy style" and "Matt's brother is a homo!" And Matt did the twist of fate right away but Brock just got right back up and laughed evily (kind of like Bill Demott did earlier, hmm!) and picked Matt up for the F5 but then put Shannon Moore on to Matt and had them both up and F5ed them both at the same time! And then he climbed to the top like he was going to do a shooting star press but then he shook his head and did a second rope leg drop instead to humilate Matt and Lesnear won!

Main event was a Vince McMahon interview, of course! And Vincre talked about how the WWE is safe now that Hogan is fired but then Steve Austin comes out! And Austin sez that since Bischoff fired him from Raw he'll be on Smackdown now! And Vince says he'll just fire Stone Cold to but Austin says he cant since Linda has made him the new CEO then he stuns Vince! But then Hulk Hogan comes out and gives Austin three punches a big boot and a leg drop! And he says that Mick Foley made him the new commissenor months ago and he forgot about it and his first act is to fire Austin! And then he helps up Vince and hugs him but then he swerves and gives Vince three punches, a big bizzoot and a leg drop and says his second act is to fire Vince! But then Shane McMahon comes out with the Mean Stree Posses (they're back~!) and says that he made Pete Gas the CEO before Linda made Austin it and Pete lays out Hogan with the Gas Mask! ANd then after the cameras stop rollin' Rikishi comes out and dances to send the crowd home happy!

It was the best wrestling show I've ever been to and I've been to a lot not to brag but I've probably been to a lot more than you so I know what I'm talking about!!!1

THE SIGNS I HELD AT THE TAPINGS!

Nathan Jones has commited a crime...AGAINST WORKRATE!

My friend David is gay! - This one needs explaining! I have a friend, named David, and he's gay!

Funaki is funky! Funky-naki! - This one's an IN JOKE that you won't get!

Rey Mysterio = Tazz in a mask with talent!

Sable's implants are older than Brian Kendrick!

Hot Chicks email me at HotWWFNewz@hotmail.com - I had to hide this one from my girl, she wouldn't understand that I'm a PLAYA!

I'll be bizzack sizzoon wiht more Hot Newz doodz!

TRISH TO APPEAR IN PLAYBOY TO PROVE SHE'S SEXIER THAN TORRIE? GOLDBERG TO USE FOUR MOVES IN NEXT MATCH INSTEAD OF THREE? ROCK TO STAR IN X-MEN 3 AS BEAST? PLUS HOT NUDE NEVER BEFORE SEEN UNUSED PLAYBOY PICS OF TORRIE WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!



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asteroidboy
Andouille
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#2 Posted on 9.4.03 1614.56
Reposted on: 9.4.10 1615.07
Next was some Velocity match so I went to get a hot dog and some nachos and a Nathan Jones t-shirt (JOKE LOL!) and when I got back some guywas hitting on my girl and she was acting like she was into him just to mess with his mind, and she even made out with him a littel just to really confuse him, so I sneaked up behind the guy and pushed him down the bleachers! And security was going to throw me out but I explained I'm friendswith Brad Shaw and suddenly they looked all scared and ran away and Funaki was in the ring so I just made out with my girl for ten minutes until the REAL matches started.

L33T!!!
tomvejada
Andouille
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#3 Posted on 9.4.03 1733.55
Reposted on: 9.4.10 1735.18
Hilarious as usual, Hot Newz.
socetew
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#4 Posted on 9.4.03 1836.40
Reposted on: 9.4.10 1837.24
Whee! I love this stuff.

e-
Net Hack Slasher
Banger
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#5 Posted on 10.4.03 1310.00
Reposted on: 10.4.10 1310.47
I'd quote the funny parts on my post but I'd just copy and paste the entire thing.

Nidia's a true profession on how she interacts with the crowd. Talk about pushing her gimmick
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille
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#6 Posted on 10.4.03 1347.31
Reposted on: 10.4.10 1349.03
That was awesome -- can't tell you how long I've been waiting for my Hot Newz fix. Would love to see more of that stuff...
skorpio17
Morcilla
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#7 Posted on 11.4.03 1445.28
Reposted on: 11.4.10 1447.12
Loved the column, especially the Kendrick under the table thing.

We can open up a comedy club here on the Wienerboard.
LeechOfTheNight
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#8 Posted on 11.4.03 2049.43
Reposted on: 11.4.10 2053.33

    Originally posted by Net Hack Slasher
    I'd quote the funny parts on my post but I'd just copy and paste the entire thing.


Word. This was hillarious. Man, you gotta post more often.
byort
Haggis
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#9 Posted on 14.4.03 1435.34
Reposted on: 14.4.10 1436.09
As usual, Hot Newz ROXORZ! (That's Hack0r talk for Rocks, in case you aren't l33t.)
Socks
Landjager
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#10 Posted on 16.4.03 1233.32
Reposted on: 16.4.10 1239.51
Great Stuff...

We want more...

You should do a house show! haha!
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