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The 7 - Guest Columns - Sa Tire. 4/7/03
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 8.4.03 0203.19
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0204.14
Before I begin I just wanted to get two things out of the way:

1) I wanted to wish my dad, “Get Well Soon”
2) I wanted to thank the people who’s apartment I crashed for WrestleMania. You didn’t know us, but we had pizza, and that’s all that mattered.

On with the show!

Last Week: Fallout from Wrestlemania occurred as Steve Austin was fired for playing Battleship on Company time. Tommy Dreamer got HHH to sell for him by dressing up like The Hurricane. Brutus Beefcake made his return, overshadowing Goldberg, the bagel-eating badass.

(Opening Credits)

Jazz v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

Who cares? Not even Jeff Hardy, because he doesn’t come out to watch the object of his affections. So…yeah. Trish wins.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with Maven. Maven says that he’s going to challenge Goldberg. Eric laughs him off and tells him a story about how Jerry Flynn used to do the same thing, and then whoops, before you knew it he was 500-0. Maven cries. The Rock comes in and sings about his crotch.

HEAT on TNN: No…None of THESE guys will be there. Though it’d be amusing if they threw together a video package featuring Rico, Spike Dudley and Molly Holly. Hehehe…that’d be fun. “The (second…third?) Greatest Action in Sports Entertainment, now on TNN!

RVD is backstage trying to pawn off his title belt. Kane comes in.

KN: Rob, man, what are you doing?
RVD: Kane! I missed the Mania payoff, dude! I’m trying to get some cash for my stash.
KN: Cash for you…hey! That rhymed.
RVD: Uh…yeah. Hey, do you want to buy a title belt? Another one, I mean?
KN: Nah man. Keep it. Hey, want to go to my house and put dead animals in my basement?
RVD: Yeah. Maybe later, dude, maybe later.

Teddy Long…Oh God…Teddy Long is still there? Ok. Let me compose myself. Teddy Long is backstage with Rodney Mack. He’s with Jazz.

TL: Hey, listen, market reports say that we aren’t black enough and that’s why we’re not over.
RM: Yeah.
TL: So we want you to join our stable. Instead of us backing the Mack, the Mack will back you.
JZ: Uh…Huh. You really think I’m going to hang with you losers?
TL: Come on, your husband wants you to…
JZ: Well…ok…
RM: I what? No…wait…I…what?
Jackie: Don’t you want me in yo sorry ass group?
TL: Maybe when we hit Texas, loser.

The Rock is backstage telling Trish to stop being Willie The Worker, already. She was ON the WrestleMania Card. Trish asks Rock what the hell he’s talking about, and he says “His crotch”. Jeff Hardy shows up in the shot and tries to make out with Trish, but she’s not having any of it. Then he says that he’s Willie the Worker, as well as a misunderstood poet, and Rock hits him in the face with a chair.

(ads)

Steve Austin may not be a Pro Wrestler anymore, but he sure can no sell a chairshot.

The Chief v. Rob Van Dam

Bwhahahahaha…Oh wait. Rob Van Dam is a loser now right? Oh. The Chief has got this “Wrestling” thing going for him now. That’s pretty cool. I bet he misses Porn. Lance Storm Duct Taped Together comes out and tries to attack RVD, but Rob ends up getting stuck to a stray piece of tape and unraveling Lance. Oh no! RVD is pretty happy with himself, until he gets rolled up and loses to The Chief. Hahahahaha RVD, you’re a jobber now!

Booker T and Shawn Michaels compare dance steps backstage. Booker has more rhythm.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels and Ivory sign autographs for some troops. “Right now, you’re getting more TV time than I have in months. *Hugs and Kisses* Ivory

Scott Steiner v. Chris Nowinski

Chris Nowinski debuts his new gimmick: War Protesting Hippy Monger. Oh, boy! Where’s Bradshaw. You KNOW he’s sitting at home itching to get involved in this. He’ll put this to rest. Steiner runs out and shoves Nowinski’s Face Mask –1 v. Roid Freaks into Nowinski’s hands and then shoves him off the stage. Then he says “Holla If You Hear Me”. Nobody Hollas. Guess the town is deaf. No contest.

Goldberg is eating a Cinnamon Bagel with Cream Cheese, backstage. Oh! Look at the charisma! Random Backstage Guys nudge each other. “Dude! Stone Cold is back!” “I thought he got fired!” “Oh, man! Look at him eat that bagel! STUNNER! AHAHA!”

(ads)

Sable returns! When’s Tammy Sytch coming back? What do you mean “Never”. Oh. Really? Get out. OH. Never mind.

J.R. and The King say that they’ve found a video that sums up the career of Goldberg. Tony Schivani! This is a NEW DAY FOR WCW!! A bunch of clips of Goldberg punching a car and ruining his tendons intermixed with shots of Nitro Girl Spice are shown. Yeah. That about sums it up.

Chris Tian is hounding Rock for an autograph.

TR: What’s this?
CT: It’s the Tough Enough Season One DVD. Sign it, “To Chris Tian, you’re the best, sorry you broke my leg. Love, Maven”
TR: I’m not Maven. Check the tats.
CT: The what? I’m not going there, man.
TR: The tats. TATS. Tattoos?
CT: Oh. Right. Oh. The Rock!
TR: Right.
CT: Have you seen Maven?

Trish and Jeff Hardy are in the hall making out. OMG OMG! Raver Grrrls everywhere are crushed. Jeff flashes the camera a smile and pulls out an empty bottle that is labeled “Jeff Hardy’z Xtreme Bottle of Spanish Fly. Please don’t Touch, without asking the master of Imagi-Nation (Jeff Hardy)”. Jeff, you dog, you.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy v. The Rock

Jeff is so hyped up on Trish lovin’ that he can barely hold himself together to make it to the ring. In fact, he falls at the entrance and just kind of rolls down to ringside. Rock tries to pick him up, but Jeff starts blowing spots all over the place. Not wanting to get paint all over his cool new tattoo, Rock just no sells and then kicks Jeff. Rock wins!

Rock isn’t done. Oh no. He’s not leaving until he gets at LEAST one more segment in, so he just kinda stands there, while Jeff waddles away. Wait, Goldberg comes down and it’s Crazy Go Nuts city as Rock bails. Chris Tian comes in, hoping to get his “100% Alcohol Fueled” T-Shirt signed. Goldberg spears Chris Tian. Rock is sad. Maven/Austin at Backlash!!

(ads)

Terri asks Rock why he’s impersonating Maven. Rock is all like, “Check the tats, biatch” and Terri says, “Sure thing, Rocky”. Uh…Next.

The Dudley Boyz v. Kane

Two out of three bookers agree, this show needs MORE Kane. Handicap matches NEVER work. They should have trucked out 3 Minutes for this. Unless they got fired. Did they get fired? Wait…The Dudleyz win? What the hell? Did I enter “Bizarro Land”? The Chief and Lance run out to make sure that nothing resembling a backstage segment after the match occurs. RVD comes out too. Stuff occurs. More stuff will probably occur later in the show. Maybe.

If you’re good.

Test is threatening to Big Boot Goldust for stealing Stacy last week. But then Stacy comes in and sees that Test has clipped out all the “Non-article” pages of Playboy and forgives him for having the magazine. Then Stacy low blows Test and HEEL TURN~! She leaves with Goldust again. What a pimp.

Austin’s music plays, but in his truck is Eric Bischoff. Austin’s Truck jobs to Bischoff! Then to show TRUE heel nature, Bischoff adjusts Austin’s rear view mirror. Just like Albert! J.R. says he wants off this crappy show right now and wanders backstage. Then Jerry Lawler chases after him because JR stole his wallet.

Howler Monkey and The Coach!!! That’s awesome.

Goldust v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

Now I’m watching Heat! Great. Howler Monkey rules the school on commentary. Stevie gets control and asks Victoria to give him something to hit Goldust with, and she hands over an RVD Foam Finger. Goldust no sells the Foam Finger and gets the win. Even Goldust won’t sell for RVD.

Chris Jericho and Triple H are teasing…tension?

CJ: You HELD ME down, man.
HHH: That was a year ago get over it.
CJ: No. You ruined my career.
HHH: You weren’t ready for it. You gotta strap a rocket to your back. Or…something.
Triple Naitch: Ok fat boys, I took both your old ladies on a ride on Space Mountain last night, WHOO!
CJ: The Hell?
HHH: Just…Let’s not fight, Chris. For Naitch.
Flair makes puppy dog eyes.
CJ: That’s just disturbing.
HHH: Let’s go. Nash has got to debut his new gimmick.

(ads)

Two French Guys steal Randy Orton’s gimmick. News At 11. Nobody likes them because they’re Freedom.

Chris Jericho and Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Booker T and Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels never wrestles! Especially not on RAW! This is a special event that will happen only this once and never again. NOTHING will stop…

(ads)

Ok. What was that? I mean…Come on! Booker T ignores the poorly timed ad break and pins HHH. Holy crap. REWIND…

Come on! Booker T ignores the poorly timed ad break and pins HHH. Holy crap.

Wow. That actually happened. Well, my conception of the business is ruined forever. Bookers all like, “Why couldn’t I have done that LAST week?” Then Jericho and Michaels and Flair wander back in from wherever the hell they were at. It’s Milling Around in Milwaukee!! Hurricane runs out…for no…reason…

Then Tommy Dreamer comes out and clears the ring! He’s a bad ass. HOLY CRAP! Coach Nash runs out and powerbombs The Coach for stealing his gimmick. Howler Monkey screams and runs off into the crowd! Coach Nash can walk!

He poses and throws out his shoulder. Ow.

Next Week: Coach Nash powerbombs another announcer. Terri? HHH continues his startling trend of having good matches. Oh, and Goldberg and Rock settle their differences just in time for Passover.
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Mild Mannered Madman
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#2 Posted on 8.4.03 0213.16
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0215.22
Am I the only one that notices that Rock's tattoo is getting closer to eating his head?
Jaguar
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#3 Posted on 8.4.03 0222.02
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0223.04
Goldust v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

Now I’m watching Heat! Great. Howler Monkey rules the school on commentary. Stevie gets control and asks Victoria to give him something to hit Goldust with, and she hands over an RVD Foam Finger. Goldust no sells the Foam Finger and gets the win. Even Goldust won’t sell for RVD.



Awesome. Just awesome

-Jag
Excalibur05
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#4 Posted on 8.4.03 0239.11
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0240.43

    Originally posted by Mild Mannered Madman
    Am I the only one that notices that Rock's tattoo is getting closer to eating his head?



No, you're not alone. It looks like some kind of creature is slowly enveloping his body, and will then move on to his soul.

Honestly, I don't know what the guy is thinking. That's a pretty frikin' noticible addition there Mr. Johnson.
socetew
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#5 Posted on 8.4.03 0245.04
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0246.37
>Then he says “Holla If You Hear Me”. Nobody Hollas. Guess the town is deaf. No contest.

Aw, man. I always look forward to Monday nights.

Love,
socetew
JST
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#6 Posted on 8.4.03 0257.55
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0257.55
Maven/Austin at Backlash. Bahahahahahahaha!!
dMr
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#7 Posted on 8.4.03 0823.07
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0823.16
"Triple Naitch: Ok fat boys, I took both your old ladies on a ride on Space Mountain last night, WHOO!
CJ: The Hell?
HHH: Just…Let’s not fight, Chris. For Naitch.
Flair makes puppy dog eyes.
CJ: That’s just disturbing.
HHH: Let’s go. Nash has got to debut his new gimmick."


Heh heh.

Triple Naitch rules on so many levels.

Good to see a return of crazy go nuts status to the show as well.
The Great Thomas
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#8 Posted on 8.4.03 0920.52
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0921.35

    Originally posted by Yuna II
    Trish and Jeff Hardy are in the hall making out. OMG OMG! Raver Grrrls everywhere are crushed. Jeff flashes the camera a smile and pulls out an empty bottle that is labeled “Jeff Hardy’z Xtreme Bottle of Spanish Fly. Please don’t Touch, without asking the master of Imagi-Nation (Jeff Hardy)”. Jeff, you dog, you.
If I hadn't paid a visit to the bong store at an indoor flea market, I would have never got that joke...
gargs
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#9 Posted on 8.4.03 0949.11
Reposted on: 8.4.10 0950.00
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    HOLY CRAP! Coach Nash runs out and powerbombs The Coach for stealing his gimmick. Howler Monkey screams and runs off into the crowd! Coach Nash can walk!

    He poses and throws out his shoulder. Ow.



haaaaaaahahahahahaha!! Actually, I thought he has gonna blow out his leg(s) again. He looked pretty wobbly when he was pickin' Jericho up.

    Next Week: Coach Nash powerbombs another announcer. Terri?


For having prettier hair than he has?
:)

(edited by gargs on 8.4.03 1052)
Mr Heel II
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#10 Posted on 8.4.03 1025.53
Reposted on: 8.4.10 1026.06
The running gag of Rock being mistaken for Maven and Goldberg being mistaken for Austin is gold.

That's the difference between your satire and actual WWE writing anymore...You have better consistency.
FurryHippie
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#11 Posted on 8.4.03 1050.22
Reposted on: 8.4.10 1050.58

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Two French Guys steal Randy Orton’s gimmick. News At 11. Nobody likes them because they’re Freedom.


Hehe, anybody else catch that last line? =) Very nicely done.

I'm gonna go eat me some Freedom Fries now....
Texas Kelly
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#12 Posted on 8.4.03 1055.06
Reposted on: 8.4.10 1056.56
I'm just curious, Excalibur... where the hell did the idea for the Goldberg bagel jokes come from? Because it's hilarious... :)
Excalibur05
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#13 Posted on 8.4.03 1500.11
Reposted on: 8.4.10 1500.15

    Originally posted by Texas Kelly
    I'm just curious, Excalibur... where the hell did the idea for the Goldberg bagel jokes come from? Because it's hilarious... :)


It's a kind of cliche stereotype of Jewish people that they eat bagels (and one that I've found to be relatively accurate, actually...). Goldberg is of the Jewish faith, thus, I imagine he enjoys a bagel, now and again.
Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#14 Posted on 8.4.03 1645.29
Reposted on: 8.4.10 1645.37
This reminds me of something sort of peripherally funny.

In the movie "Hannah and Her Sisters," Woody Allen's character is going through an existential crisis. So he converts from Judaism to Catholicism. The way he shows this in the movie is with no dialogue at all.

He comes home with a bag and sets it down, then sits on the couch. He takes a crucifix out of the bag and sets it on the coffee table. Then — instead of taking out some bagels and a small tub of cream cheese — he takes out a loaf of Wonder Bread and a jar of mayonnaise.
MARTYEWR
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#15 Posted on 9.4.03 1153.37
Reposted on: 9.4.10 1154.11

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    HHH: Let’s go. Nash has got to debut his new gimmick


Hey, Matt, is it just me, or was that line from HHH a wink-wink towards EWR 3.0 (thumbs up, cheap pop)? :)
Big Bad
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#16 Posted on 9.4.03 1956.34
Reposted on: 9.4.10 1957.17


    Am I the only one that notices that Rock's tattoo is getting closer to eating his head?





    No, you're not alone. It looks like some kind of creature is slowly enveloping his body, and will then move on to his soul.


Uh oh...the Rock is Eddie Brock.
ScreamingHeadGuy
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#17 Posted on 9.4.03 2011.52
Reposted on: 9.4.10 2012.30
Austin’s music plays, but in his truck is Eric Bischoff. Austin’s Truck jobs to Bischoff! Then to show TRUE heel nature, Bischoff adjusts Austin’s rear view mirror. Just like Albert! J.R. says he wants off this crappy show right now and wanders backstage. Then Jerry Lawler chases after him because JR stole his wallet.

Albert? I don't get that bit. But I got the rest of it. Ha ha.

If the Satire contains "bizarro" elements, then wouldn't that be real? Just wondering about the whole "double-negatives" thingy.

Is Chris Harvard 220 lbs. or less?
Excalibur05
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#18 Posted on 9.4.03 2119.43
Reposted on: 9.4.10 2120.04

    Originally posted by ScreamingHeadGuy
    Albert?


Didn't see WrestleMania? Albert showed his heel-ness by adjusting Taker's rear view mirror. Oooooo!!

I don't think Chris is under 220, but it doesn't really matter since he's already impared against Roid Freaks.
cranlsn
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#19 Posted on 9.4.03 2151.42
Reposted on: 9.4.10 2152.23
Concerning Steiner...you somehow need to include mention of his disturbingly sad eyes! This humoungous man looks like such a badass until he takes off the sunglasses...then it's like he just watched his dog get flattened by a semi.

Just me?

Excalibur05
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#20 Posted on 9.4.03 2207.20
Reposted on: 9.4.10 2212.25

    Originally posted by cranlsn
    Concerning Steiner...you somehow need to include mention of his disturbingly sad eyes! This humoungous man looks like such a badass until he takes off the sunglasses...then it's like he just watched his dog get flattened by a semi.

    Just me?




No, I've been saying the same thing for years, and Jeb wrote an entire column on it a while back.

It is FUNNY, but I'll save it for a rainy day. His preoccupation with magical and shiny objects gets me by right now.
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