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The 7 - Guest Columns - WWE Raw- March 31, 2003
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Gugs
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#1 Posted on 1.4.03 2051.57
Reposted on: 1.4.10 2053.16
Sorry for the lateness, but life happens.

WWE RAW- March 31, 2003

Here's the video package that aired after WrestleMania. If you didn't see the show, stop reading this and order the replay. You'll probably be able to see most of Michaels-Jericho and everything thereafter. Still worth the $40.

Let's Get it On

THE ROCK is backstage yelling at a makeup guy. It's Rock Appreciation Night and Rocky needs to conceal the People's Pimple.

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out and this promo is getting really condensed. Austin says that Rocky was the better man, then ERIC BISCHOFF comes out, says that Austin's doctor says that Austin's neck is fucked, and fires Austin because he's a liability to the company. I just reduced 7:07 of promo time down to one sentence.

After a commercial break, we see Austin moping backstage. Rattlesnakes don't mope!

TRIPLE H (World Heavyweight Champion)(1-0-0)(with RIC FLAIR)(Greenwich, Connecticut-265 pounds) vs. THE HURRICANE (0-0-0)(The Hurricave-215 pounds)

Why is Trippa Laych jerking the curtain? Anyway, Flair steals the mask from the plant, er, kid in the front row so Hurricane attacks him. Tripps then attacks Hurricane, throws him into the ring and busts his spine. Hard Irish whip is followed by a suplex attempt but Hurricane reverses into a neckbreaker. His punch is blocked and The Game is back in control. A couple of knockdowns and a Shining Wizard get a two count for Hurricane, as does a Tornado DDT. Flair trips him, however, as he comes off of the ropes. He gets a dropkick for his trouble and Triple H gets a chokeslam. Flair pulls Hurricane off of Tripps so Hurricane decks him again. A crossbody gets another two count but the Eye of the Hurricane is blocked. Triple H goes for the Pedigree but Hurricane reverses with a back body drop. Hurricane's going for his own Pedigree but Tripps uses a catapult to break it. Eye of the Hurricane hits but only gets two. Hurricane misses the Blockbuster and one Pedigree later, the match is over. 3:55

KANE and ROB VAN DAM are backstage. Both men have something to say, with Kane sdaying that he thinks the team should go their seperate ways. Rob, however, says that he got the two of them a tag team title match tonight on Raw, and there's no interference allowed! The only catch is that if they lose, Rob and Kane have to join the Bischoff administration. that's like saying that Al Gore has to be in the Bush Administration if he loses a street fight to Dick Cheney. Anyway, Kane's uber-pissed that Rob didn't talk to him first, but Rob reminds Kane that "Dude...we're gonna win."

A video package for Goldberg produces a mild reaction.

After some commercials, we come back to the Lugz Boot of the Week, which is Trish Stratus winning the Women's Championship with a kick.

SCOTT STEINER (0-0-0)(Detroit, Michigan-275 pounds) vs. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI (0-0-0)(Cambridge, Massachusetts-260 pounds)

Chris wants to apologize for how weird he must look because of the mask he's wearing. Seattle can realte, because they look weird all the time. It would be a great favor if Scott would refrain from punching Chris' face. But that's half of his moveset! Without punches, Steiner's reduced to press slams and belly-to-belly suplexes! Fortunately, Steiner does not agree to this, and says something about flossing with shoelaces. Nowinski decides to run for his life rather than figure out what that meant, but Steiner catches him and drops him face-first on the apron. Regular Steiner offense (chops, clothesline) and an elbow get a one count as Steiner gets off of Nowinski and does pushups. A few kicks and clubbing blows is followed by a kick from Nowinski and a headbutt. He kicks Steiner in the corner but Scott gets a boot up to block a charge. Belly-to-belly suplex gets two, so Steiner does it again, removes Chris' mask, punches him and puts him in the Steiner Recliner for the tap out victory. 2:35

TERRI knocks on Austin's door. Did Eric tell the truth? The truth is that Eric Bischoff fired Stone Cold Steve Austin and that Stone Cold Steve Austin's neck sucks.

The Rock has played many songs with his guitar in the past month or so, so let's listen to all of them. The Maple Leafs still suck.

Somebody decided to let JIM ROSS vent, so he goes off about how Bischoff's an SOB for what he did to Austin and that he should rot in hell. Fortunately, we have the incredible goodness of Booker T vs. Chris Jericho tonight, but it isn't next.

THE DUDLEY BOYZ are in a room somewhere. Bubba tells D-Von that he had to screw RVD for both of them to keep their jobs. D-Von is really quite pissed at this. CHIEF MORELY and LANCE STORM enter. Because of the no interference rule, the match is now a 3-team elimination match, but in name ONLY. Bubba and D-Von are to eliminate RVD and Kane and then lay down for the tag champs. D-Von seems eager to tear Morely a new one, but Bubba says OK.

BOOKER T is getting his knee taped up. RIC FLAIR comes in and mouths off to Booker, then gets the shit scared out of him by the 5-time WCW Champion. End of segment.

ROSEY (0-0-0)(with RICO and what I think is crappy new music or just a crappy section of their regular music)(already in the ring)(no weight or hometown announced) vs. MAVEN (0-0-0)(also not announced but I think it's Charlottesville, Virginia-220 pounds)

God, I guess the more cleavage Lilian shows the less she gets to talk. Here's hoping she doesn't say a word next week! They start off with punches and Maven lands a kick. Rosey clotheslines him and headbutts and chops Maven for good measure. A choke is in there as well. Rico attacks Maven and Rosey punches him. A splash misses and Maven knocks Rosey down. Then it all falls apart. Rico gets on the apron, Rosey gets dropkicked but doesn't do anything, a powerbomb is attempted, Maven gets a rollup for two and it's all just bullshit. This is not Maven's fault; a look at his match with Rico will prove that. Maven wins with a sunset flip. Somewhere in this 1:50 of crap Maven got his lip busted open.

The WWE Slam of the Week is presented by Rob Zombie's movie. Chris Jericho hit Shawn Michaels with a low blow.

CHRIS JERICHO (0-1-0)(Winnipeg, Manitoba-beefed up to 230 pounds) vs. ...

Before Booker can coem out, Jericho decides to cut a promo. He wants to say something to Shawn Michaels. They had one of the greatest matches ever at WrestleMania, and Jericho wants to thank Michaels. Of course, HBK should be the one doing the thanking of Jericho for bringing out the best in Michaels. Jericho was better and he deserved to win that match. At the end, Michaels was in pain while Jericho walked out triumphant, once again porving that he is the highlight of the night, and that BOOKER T (0-1-0)(Houston, Texas-256 pounds) comes out. As Booker poses, Jericho chop blocks him. He then proceeds to kick, elbow and jump on Booker's taped knee. Booker reverses a second attempt to jump on the knee by kicking Jericho over the top rope. Booker chops Jericho, but gets knocked down. The Walls of Jericho are reversed by Booker into a small package for two. A flapjack and chops land on Jericho, as does a spinning heel kick. Jericho hits a kick and bulldog, but the Lionsault misses. Just as Booker's mounting another offensive, Ric Flair comes out to attack him. Jericho attacks Booker and Tripps comes down to the ring. Booker gets a Pedigree from H and the Figure Four from Flair, bringing SHAWN MICHAELS out to make the save. He clears the ring of all but Triple H, and warms up the band for Sweet Chin Music. It's blocked by Jericho, however, and after some punches Tripps lands a back breaker. Jericho hooks in the Walls as Booker T gets beaten down some more and put into the Indian Deathlock by Triple H. The match, by the way, lasted 2:27 before the run in.

JEFF HARDY (0-0-0)(Cameron, North Carolina-218 pounds) vs. STEVEN RICHARDS (0-0-0)(with VICTORIA)(Philadelphia, Pennsylvania-230 pounds)

Steven starts things off with a kick and punches but Jeff hits a dropkick in the corner. They make their way to the outside of the ring, where Vicki stops Jeff from riding the rail. Back in the ring, the Whisper in the Wind misses, and an arm bar takedown gets two. An arm bar is now locked in, but Jeff battles back with a jaw breaker. Jeff lands a flying forearm and some punches, as well as a mule kick. Steven punches Jeff, but gets nailed with Stupid Leg Thing 1. Stupid Leg Thing 2 gets two, and we get more punches and a jaw breaker. Jeff goes to the top rope, but Victoria grabs him. TRISH STRATUS runs out to make sure Vicki doesn't interfere any more, and Jeff nails the Swanton Bomb for the win. 3:43 After the bell, there's more "sexual tension" between the two.

Stone Cold is leaving, and a bunch of no-names say goodbye.

The Rock likes to say the word "Finally." He also likes to make fun of people, including Hulk Hogan and Toronto.

TEST and GOLDUST are backstage, with Test on a cell phone. He's apparently talking to Torrie Wilson, but she's not here so she gets no bolding. STACY KEIBLER, however, is here, and Test quickly ends his conversation. Stacy wants to know who was on the phone, and Test goes on and on that it was just a wrong number and that Stacy doesn't trust him. Test finally asks Goldust to back him up, and everything's fine until he starts having fits. Whenever he -twitch-es, he slips up and reveals the truth, leading to Stacy leaving pissed off and Test calling him an idiot. Was it something he said?

The Rock is looking for Austin, and he passes the sad no-names. Rock offers to cheer them up by taking them out to party, then reminds them that they get to WATCH Rocky do all the partying from somewhere else.

The tag titles are on the line NEXT!

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS

KANE and ROB VAN DAM (Challengers)(0-0-0)(seperate entrances)(Death Valley, California and Battle Creek, Michigan-561 pounds) vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ (Challengers)(0-0-0)(Dudleyville-555 pounds) vs. CHIEF MORELY and LANCE STORM (Champions)(0-0-0)(Toronto, Ontario and Calgary.....Alberta-474 pounds)


This will be so much not fun to recap. Kane boots D-Von and Rob dropkicks Bubba. Kane and Rob get Chief and Lance out of the ring, then Rob hits a somersault plancha. Kane then goes all Michaels-esque and hits a tope (!) on the remaining standing people. In the ring, Rob drop toe holds D-Von, then a headlock and spinning heel kick get 2. D-Von tags Bubba and Rob tags Kane. They trade punches and Kane hits a flying clothesline but an elbow drop misses. Wassup connects and D-Von kicks Kane. More punching going on but Kane fights back with a sidewalk slam. Tag to Rob and another spinning heel kick. Robbie does his Stupid Shoulder Thing, then mule kicks Morely and dropkicks D-Von. Rolling Thunder connects, but Chief and Lance make the save. Bubba punches Rob and Robbie answers with a springboard dropkick. The ***** misses and Morely slides a chair in the ring as Lance has the ref distracted. D-Von blocks a Morely chair shot and Bubba saves Morely from a potential shot from D-Von. Rob, seeing D-Von standing with a chair, Van Daminates him for the pin. 5:10 is the time of the Dudleyz' elimination, and it's also the time of our first break.

Coming back, Storm slams Rob's leg into the ring post. Morely comes in and nails the Triple Suplexes of Doom but Kane makes the save. Morely tags in Storm and a double elbow drop gets two. Rob fights back with punches but Lance hooks in the half crab. Robbie counters with a mule kick and tags Kane. He's a house-o-fire! A couple of back body drops and clotheslines for the heels, as well as a big boot and a sidewalk slam for two. Tilt-o-whirl slam also gets two and Kane goes to the top. FlyingbutIalwayslandbeforeIhitit clothesline connects and Lance makes the save before Kane can get the fall. Rob kicks Lance and Kane Irish whips Morely into a spinning heel kick by van Dam. Kane's got the goozle but a low blow breaks it. A superkick by Storm gets two and Kane pulls off a double chokeslam. After that, assuming no heel turn, the ***** should be academic. It is, and we have new tag team champions. 13:00 total

Bischoff's in his office and he's got a blockbuster. The ink's still wet on this contract.

Next week, the 4th sign is met as Triple H and Chris Jericho team up to take on Shawn Michaels and Booker T.

Here comes The Rock. Finally...the crowd boos. Finally...they boo again. Finally The Rock has come to Se...Se...Se...to see all of the jabronis in the crowd appreciate The Rock! Rock's sorry Austin got fired, it was a hell of a show, Rock hit 3 Rock Bottoms, and who's better to lose to going out than The Rock? "Rocky!" Idiots. Rock's trying to set up a video package, but somebody flips him off. Rock flips. It's a nice video package; too bad I'm too lazy to remember what all was in it. "Rocky!" No, wait. "Goldberg!" Rock name drops his accountant and then says that he's done everything there is to do in this business and that he is leaving because the people don't appreciate him. Goldberg's music hits, Doug Dillenger does not knock on the door (but onyl because there is no door) as GOLDBERG walks backstage, comes out and PYRO! "Goldberg!" MORE PYRO! "Goldberg!" Goldberg gets a pop by looking at the crowd. He says that Rocky wants to know who's next, and then, of course, "You're next!" Rocky tastes a spear. Either Goldberg killed him or Rocky doesn't know how to take a spear. Anyway, the segment lasted 11:05 and that, coincidentally or not, is about the time at the end of the show.

BY THE NUMBERS
After tonight's show, here's how they stand.

Best Wrestler: Triple H (2-0-0, 1-0-0 in title matches)
Worst Wrestler: Chris Jericho (0-2-0)
Best Tag Team: RVD and Kane (1-0-0, 1-0-0 in title matches)
Worst Tag Team: Tie between Dudleyz and Morely/Storm (0-1-0, 0-1-0 in title matches)

Tell me what you think; any feedback is much appreciated.

Gugs
lind700@yahoo.com
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Jaguar
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#2 Posted on 1.4.03 2159.52
Reposted on: 1.4.10 2200.59
So how are you counting the losses? From Wrestlemania, Trish is 1-0-0, and Victoria is 0-1-0, but what about Jazz?


-Jag
Gugs
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#3 Posted on 2.4.03 0936.25
Reposted on: 2.4.10 0941.27
Jazz is also 0-1-0, because she was in a match she did not win. Just like, if I were scoring SmackDown! both Los Guerreros and Rhyno/Benoit would be 0-1-0. incidentally, should anyone jump from SD to Raw, their record will not be reflected, muck like AL guys jumping to the NL get all new stats.
whatever
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#4 Posted on 2.4.03 1102.06
Reposted on: 2.4.10 1111.12
Nice job, I really like the stats!

Per WM stats, though - Do you not count RVD/Kane's loss from Heat because it was technically not part of the WM PPV? Otherwise, they are 1-1-0, as are Morely/Storm.

edit - okay, after reviewing your previous thread, I guess that is the reason. But what events do count? Also, what does the last number signify?


(edited by whatever on 2.4.03 1205)
Excalibur05
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#5 Posted on 2.4.03 2345.42
Reposted on: 2.4.10 2346.04
    Originally posted by whatever
    But what events do count?


My guess is that he's counting WrestleMania as the start of the "Wrestling Calender" (though, I'd contend that, if it IS the Superbowl for Wrestling, then it'd be the END of the Wrestling Calender)



    Also, what does the last number signify?


Draws and no contests.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 2.4.03 2346)
Gugs
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#6 Posted on 3.4.03 0559.37
Reposted on: 3.4.10 0601.30
It's like you read my mind, Excalibur. I count all Heat, Raw and PPV appearances, starting with WrestleMania. In retrospect, WM would have made sense as the end of the calendar, but oh well.
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#7 Posted on 3.4.03 1128.54
Reposted on: 3.4.10 1129.01
Just a quick hit: No contests can't count unless you skip to a Hockey rating system, as no contests are simply draws.

-Jag
whatever
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#8 Posted on 3.4.03 1240.29
Reposted on: 3.4.10 1240.29
Thanks for the explanation!

Overall, I am impressed with the way you were able to be detailed, yet summarize the show. Thanks again, keep up the good work!
Gugs
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#9 Posted on 4.4.03 1506.43
Reposted on: 4.4.10 1507.17
Thanks for the positive feedback, and I don't plan on using no contests as anything other than draws. If Triple H is 7-4-1 and Booker T is 7-4-0, they'll be tied for Best Wrestler. How Tripps would lose 4 matches is beyond me, but anything's possible.
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