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The 7 - Guest Columns - When We Were Marks: Marc Anthonys That Is Register and log in to post!
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Llakor
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#1 Posted on 26.3.03 2345.11
Reposted on: 26.3.10 2347.54
Llakor Broadcast System

Wednesday, March 26th, 2003

LBS#15: When We Were Marks: Marc Anthonys That Is

Greetings Grappling Groupies, it is I, Llakor, your Guardian of Useless Knowledge. This may be a bit late in the day, but it seems to me that there is a funeral that we forgot to have back in October. So if you would all dig out your black arm bands, I would like to read a eulogy to a dear, departed friend.

So join me, won't you, as once again we join the crew of CBS and listen to Uncle Walter intone those magical words, "You Are There" returning us to a time when men were men, and those men wore dresses... made of bed-sheets; a time when 210 was CCX; a time when instead of Graeco-Roman Wrestling, there was Romano-Greek Wrestling; a time when the cry on the streets was, "I told him, Julie, DON'T GO!"; a time in short... When We Were Marks.

When We Were Marks
Marc Anthonys That Is

Friends, Wrestling Fans, Canadians, pass me a beer;
I come to bury the IC belt, not to praise it.
The stink from dud matches for this title still linger,
Its' five star matches will soon be forgotten;
So let it be with this belt. Eric Bischoff
Has told you the IC belt was old school,
If it were so, it was a worthless belt,
And if it has no worth, let it be buried.
Here, under leave of Bischoff and the rest, -
For Bischoff is Vince McMahon's stooge;
So are they all, all Vince McMahon's stooges,-
Come I to speak for the IC belt's burial.
It was my favourite belt, precious and dear to me:
But Bischoff says it was an old school belt;
And Bischoff is a knowledgeable man.
It brought us ring bells and ladders and blood,
Whose five star matches made the crowds cheer;
Did in this the Inter-Continental Belt seem old school?
When Ricky's throat was crushed, everywhere fans wept;
Old School should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Bischoff says the IC belt was old school;
And Bischoff is a booker with a plan.
You all did see that in Wembley Stadium,
The British Bulldog pinned Bret to the mat,
When the crowd counted three: Was this old school?
Yet Bischoff says the IC belt was old school;
And, sure, he is a Californian with a tan.
I speak not to disprove what Bischoff spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love this belt once, not without cause:
What cause prevents you from mourning for it?
O mat wrestling! thou art fled from RAW,
And the fans have lost their devotion. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with the IC belt,
And I must pause till it comes back to me.

But yesterday, the champion of the IC title might
Have fought the champion of the world, now the belt lies here,
And all its champions have been forgotten.
Did not Patera and Patterson war through the Garden for it?
What battles Morales and Muraco did wage over it!
But I would do Bischoff wrong, and Vince wrong,
And, after all they are geniuses, these men.
I will not argue with them, I rather choose
To remember champions who fought for me and you.
I have here a list of those who held this belt.
I found it in the 2002 Wrestling Almanac.
Let but the fans hear this champion's list-
Which, pardon me, I do not mean to read-
And they would go and kiss this Inter-Continental Belt
And rub their napkins in its sacred glow.
They would even break a piece off of the belt,
And, dying, mention it within their wills,
Bequeathing it as a rich legacy
To their sons and daughters.

Have patience, gentle readers, I must not read it:
This list of champions would enrage you.
You are not smarks, you are not smarts, but fans;
And being fans, hearing the champions of the IC belt,
It will inflame you, it will make you mad.
It's good that you have forgotten these men;
For if you should remember Santana or Valentine
Could you ever watch RAW again and be content?
Will you be patient? Will you stay awhile?
I was too hasty to tell you of this list.
I fear I wrong Bischoff and Vince McMahon
Who chose to bury this belt. I do fear it.
You will compel me then to read the list?
Then make a ring about the Inter-Continental Belt
And let me show you the men who wore this belt.
I have listed Patterson and Patera, Muraco and Morales
I have told you of Tito and the man called the Hammer.

Shall I continue? and will you give me leave?
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.
You all do know this ringbell. I remember
When Savage brought it down on the throat of Ricky
And the match they fought at Wrestlemania Three
Look! The Greatest IC champion of all, just ask him
Finally a great Warrior vanquished this Honky Tonk Man
See what a feud he had with Ravishing Rick Rude
But no champion was as Perfect as Curt Hennig
Mark his battles with a Tornado and a pink assassin
Through this belt the well-beloved Bret was elevated,
and as he fought a Mountie, a Piper and a Bulldog
Mark how his stardom followed it.
Also elevated by this belt was Shawn Michaels, HBK
Not so lucky his partner, his enemy, Marty Janetty
A better match was to be had with a member of the Clique
As HBK and Razor Ramon with ladders did contend
Judge, O you fans! How dearly we loved that match
Some still call it the greatest match of them all.
Diesel held this belt, as did J-A-Double R-E-Double T
Mind Games did Golddust play until Ahmed made him pay
It was first for this belt that Rock and Triple H did war
Over this belt did Owen and Austin even the score

O! Now you weep, and I perceive you feel
The dint of pity; these are gracious drops.
Kind souls; what! weep when you but behold
Half of the list? We have not mentioned Mero
Nor Shamrock. Have passed by Venis and Road Dogg.
Have you forgotten the Godfathers and his hos?
Or the man who kept it on the down low?
Did I neglect Edge's first one day reign?
Or Chyna, the champion who was also a woman?
Good friends, sweet friends, let me not stir you up.
To such a sudden flood of mutiny
I have not even reminded you of the blessed Three:
The Golden Angle, the Wolverine and Y2J
and their match at WrestleMania in Anaheim, CA
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts;
I am no sports entertainer as Bischoff is,
But, as you know me well, an old school fan
That loves this old school belt, but damn
For I have neither wit nor words nor worth,
Action, nor utterance, nor the power of speech
To stir men's blood. I only speak right on;
I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
My lips tremble as I near the end of the list.
Latino Heat dedicated the belt to Art Barr
Until Billy took it in his failed bid to be a star
From Jeff Hardy to Kane to the hairy A-Train
The fortunes of this belt fell again and again

Why, fans, you know who brought this belt back
It was a group of Canadians picked up the slack
From Calgary, Alberta, Canada came Lance Storm
For the rest of the year it was Christian and Test
But it was Edge who always came out the best.
Our next to last hero is a Real Man's Man
But is his first name Steven or is it William?
The last name on our list is no one's fool
Because when you're RVD, everything's cool.
My list is now done; my tongue falls dumb
How great was this old school Belt?
It swallowed up Europe, eclipsed the US,
It was too hardcore even for the hardcore strap.
But Bischoff says that it is an old school title
And Bischoff does not give a damn
For this old school fan
And his five star memories of IC gold.

Here was a Belt! When comes such another?

Llakor, That Lousy Canuck
(With apologies to the Bard)
Former [/Slash] Contributour


(edited by Llakor on 27.3.03 0053)
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skorpio17
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#2 Posted on 27.3.03 1017.49
Reposted on: 27.3.10 1023.10
Great column.

I am also a fan of the IC title. I started the "Keep the IC belt, Dump Triple H" thread months ago.

If someone is going to bury my column, I'm glad it is you.

Keep up the good work.
Madame Manga
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#3 Posted on 28.3.03 0234.35
Reposted on: 28.3.10 0239.15
*clap*clap*clap*

I always said that guy from Stratford would make a great booker...

MM
Gugs
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Y!:
#4 Posted on 29.3.03 0640.34
Reposted on: 29.3.10 0640.49
Thank you. Now I have a very good reason to hate Eric the Angle, much like Cinna the Poet.
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