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The 7 - Guest Columns - 03/03/03??? (Satire)
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#1 Posted on 4.3.03 0032.18
Reposted on: 4.3.10 0037.46
03/03/03...Those are my Lotto Numbers!

Last Week: Triple H was sent home by Tommy Dreamer. The Rock made his move into a huge several month long feud with The Hurricane. Oh, and Steve Austin…owes me five dollars.

We begin outside as Tommy Dreamer suits up into his gear. Triple H walks by.

HHH: Hey, Tommy. Got a match?
TD: Yeah. With Al Snow against Kane and RVD.
HHH: Don’t bother with that, man, I already buried both of them. Hehehe.
TD: And I’m using my booking power to try to help get them back over.
HHH: You’re whu?
TD: Oh, and as of right now, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Randy Orton are injured.
HHH: Damn you, Dreamer! Oh, well, I still have Triple Naitch!
RF: WOOOO! Space Mountain, Fat Boy!
TD: You sure do. You sure do.

Meanwhile, elsewhere outside…

Eric Bischoff: Jamal, Rosie, Rico, You’re going to stop, Steve Austin from entering the building.
TMW: Bwhahahahaha.
EB: Yeah, I’m just kidding guys. Just stand over here and try not to job. Much.

(Opening Credits)

Booker T is out to share some love with us. He says that he was 5 times 5 times 5 times 5 times 5 time WCW champion, making him a 3,125 time WCW champion. Triple H comes out to provide a counter point. He says that he’s going to win because he never loses. Also, HHH reminds Booker that he won the title when WCW was going bankrupt, causing Ric Flair to flip out because that was when HE was president. Flair gives everyone low blows and struts around.

Three Minute Warning v. Steve Hanson, Nacho Salesman

Three Minute Warning is backstage waiting for Austin when the job to a Nacho Guy who was backstage getting napkins.


Chris Tian v. Jeff Hardy

Jeff Hardy tries really hard not to blow a spot, but he focuses too hard and blows a spot. He rolls himself up into a little ball so that he can’t blow any more spots, and Chris Tian pins him. What a maneuver!

Eric Bischoff is backstage with the Lance Storm Action Figure

EB: Lance, I need you to keep an eye on Three Minute Warning. Their jobbing is making me look bad.
EB: Lance? Are you even listening to me? Look, I know you’re mad that Regal isn’t here tonight, but that’s no reason not to listen to me.
EB: Just take this pipe and watch for Austin, alright?

The Lance Storm Action Figure falls over and Bischoff walks off in disgust.


The Chief is out and he says that his investigation of the Dudleyz won’t end without a poorly written a capella musical number, and a beating of Spike Dudley.

The Chief v. Spike Dudley

So the The Chief beats up Spike Dudley. That was fun.

Chris Tian is standing around when Chris Jericho wanders by. They trade Jeff Hardy spot blowing stories until Eric Bischoff enters and asks them to go stand up the Lance Storm Action Figure. Christian goes off, while Jericho plans out his match.


Trish Stratus and Jacqueline v. Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) and Jazz

Uh…Yeah. Trish wins with a roll-up. Women’s wrestling sure is exciting. After the match, Jazz and Victoria argue about whether or not Stevie Richards can get away with wearing pink tights. I’m thinking no.

OH MY GOD!!! In a shocking defection that is sure to garner HUGE ratings, The Rock’s Door is back on RAW! Call your friends! Tell them that FINALLY The Rock’s Door has come BACK to RAW. If they make fun of you, they’re just ashamed that they missed it.


The Chief tries to stand up the Lance Storm Action Figure, but it falls over again. Try leaning it up against a wall, that's what I do. I mean, used to do. Used to.

Johnathan Coachman is assaulting The Rock’s Door. Just because it’s more over than you doesn’t give you the right to attack it, Coach. The Rock comes out and punks out Coach. Rock goes back to his mini-fridge to get a cool refreshing beverage and finds a frozen The Hurricane. He could probably have picked a better hiding spot.

TH: I could probably have picked a better hiding spot.
TR: Damn skippy you could. Hey, did you drink all The Rock’s cool, refreshing beverages?
TH: I think there might be some Kool-Aid back there…
TR: Grape?
TH: Blastin’ Berry.
TR: Oh. Damn.
TH: Hey, I came here and hid in your mini-fridge to tell you that I think it would be good for ratings if you and Steve Austin had a staredown tonight.
TR: Good idea, let me consult my crotch.


Chris Jericho says that Test is cheating on Stacy with the ladies from the Girls Gone Wild bus. The tape shows Test signing some necks. Stacy is all pissed off! He should only sign HER neck. Test is confused because…well…because he’s Test, but also because signing necks is pretty lame. He says, “Besides, if I wanted to see girl’s boobs, I wouldn’t be dating YOU.” Ouch, that was mean. Then he says that he’s going to the PPV anyway, which makes ME not want to order it. He also says “boobies”. Hehehehe. “Boobies”.

Chris Jericho (w/ Chris Tian) v. Test (w/ Stacy Kiebler)

Chris Tian, frustrated with trying to stand Lance Storm Action Figure up, chases Stacy out to the ring. Test is so distracted by the fact that Stacy is selling better than he or Coach Nash that he loses. Jericho and Tian threaten Stacy after the match, but Shawn Michaels makes the save by the power of the Gospel. Then he gets nailed in the face with a chair. Jericho tells Michaels to dance his ass to WrestleMania. That was pretty crazy go nuts.


The Ghost of Goldust v. Three Minute Warning

The Ghost of Goldust floats over to Three Minutes who are so afraid that they fall over and job.

Christopher Nowinski comes out and says “The producers told me to come out here.” He gets 3-Ded by The Dudley Boyz who were hanging out at ringside. Oh, those dastardly producers!!!


Chris Jericho and Chris Tian are arguing about whether or not it’s ok for them to tape Lance Storm Action Figure to a stick and put the stick in the ground so it LOOKS like he’s standing up.

Scott Steiner v. Booker T.

About 3 minutes in Triple H comes out and holds up his title belt. It’s too shiny for Steiner to ignore so he runs out of the ring and chases HHH as Benny Hill music plays. Booker T by count out, yo.

The Rock is backstage with that Dastardly Producer and saying that Hurricane and his Crotch are right. He SHOULD have a segment with Steve Austin. The Producer complains because that means they’ll have to bump the exciting Stevie Richards/The Rock’s Door main event that was planned. Rock is holding down his own door behind it’s back!


Rock sings a song. Eric Bischoff is so impressed asks Rock to autograph his neck. Sicko.

You know what this show needs? A little more Kane. He’s holding a trash can so that RVD can kick it at some trucks. Those are company property! No wonder the WWE is losing money. That and the fact that Big Show ate “The World”.

Rob Van Dam/Kane v. Al Snow/Tommy Dreamer
In a Hardcore Match featuring the WWE’s Newest Booker

Tommy Dreamer realizes as he comes out that he shouldn’t have booked this match because it has four faces in it and he begins to cane everything in sight in anger. When he realizes the error of almost putting himself over Kane and RVD by knocking them out he hits himself with a trash can lid and lets RVD pin him. RVD and Kane win!

Steve Austin’s Truck v. Chris Jericho/Chris Tian/Three Minute Warning/Lance Storm Action Figure/The Chief/Eric Bischoff

Everyone darts out of the way of Austin’s oncoming pick-up, and Chris Jericho drops the Lance Storm Action figure, allowing Austin to drive on top of it for the 1-2-3. Austin’s Truck is undefeatable!!


Steve Austin comes out but everyone boos because he never came to my house and gave me $5. Then Austin thanks the fans for their boos and says he’ll remember them when he’s opening up cans of whoop ass (not beer because that would be a violation of his probation). Then he says that he’s going to open said whoop ass on all the WWF superstars in the back. I think he means YOU, Howler Monkey, so look out!! The Rock comes out to bemoan the lack of wrestling in this main event, when he comes up with a bright idea for Wrestlemania. Steve Austin’s Truck v. The Rock’s Door, in a match that is sure to be a ***** workrate fest if there ever was one. Steve Austin says “What?”

Then Three Minute Warning comes out, and Austin laughs because, even though he’s been gone for seven months, even HE knows what big jobbers these guys are. After a couple KICKWHAMSTUNNERs, The Rock runs into the ring and Jim Ross hyperventilates and goes into convulsions on the stage. The Rock and Austin stare each other in eye, and then sing a song about Margaritas.

Austin is wasting away again in RAWville.
Looking for his lost smile, his fault.
Some people claim Mr. McMahon’s to blame.
But you know.
Take it with a grain of salt.

Next Week: Steve Austin sings a little story about a man named Jed. Tommy Dreamer continues his attempt to undo what Triple H has done. The Hurricane hides in The Rock’s pants.

Until then…then.


As an addendum, I just wanted to ask all you Weiners what you thought of the pre-show Tommy Dreamer dialog I've been doing lately? I know Rick likes it, so it's staying in the OO version for the time being, but how do YOU my fellow Weinerboardvillians feel about it?

Oh, and feel free to comment on any OTHER part of the Satire too, of course.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 4.3.03 0033)
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Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#2 Posted on 4.3.03 0056.24
Reposted on: 4.3.10 0059.01
I love the Dreamer pre-show dialogue. I like the fact that he's on an essentially fruitless mission.

This was, I think, one of the best Satires in the last few weeks. Maybe it was the injection of new players (Rock and Austin), or maybe it was the Kool Aid joke. I don't know. But I had to put my beer down while reading this because I was laughing too hard and too often, and was genuinely afraid I'd spill it — or absentmindedly take a sip and spray it. Either way, great stuff, as usual.
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#3 Posted on 4.3.03 0916.41
Reposted on: 4.3.10 0922.56
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Everyone darts out of the way of Austin’s oncoming pick-up, and Chris Jericho drops the Lance Storm Action figure, allowing Austin to drive on top of it for the 1-2-3. Austin’s Truck is undefeatable!!

::::gasp!:::: Does this mean that LSAF has been smashed to bits, or will he be back??

Edit: Keep the TD dialogue.

(edited by gargs on 4.3.03 1052)
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#4 Posted on 4.3.03 0948.41
Reposted on: 4.3.10 0955.17
Great Stuff. I’d keep the Dreamer dialog, he could use the exposure.

My favorite part is the Margarativille song at the end. I’d like to see a few more verses of that one.
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#5 Posted on 4.3.03 1019.48
Reposted on: 4.3.10 1024.13
Hey, is JR mellowing in his old age? Mere on stage convullsions when entrance ramp humping used to be a far from infrequent occurence (two c's one r, or one c two r's. Never could remember).

I suppose if the Lance Storm Action Figure dies then the ever reliable 3 minute warning could always job to its ghost. Their response to finding out they had to stop Austin getting into the building was pretty much the same as mine. What was Eric thinking?

Hilarious column again, even funnier than the last couple of weeks. Maybe its having that tenth finger back...

Oh and don't ditch TD. His banter with HHH is great.
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#6 Posted on 4.3.03 1226.28
Reposted on: 4.3.10 1229.02

    but Shawn Michaels makes the save by the power of the Gospel. Then he gets nailed in the face with a chair


And somebody better check the tape, because I think Book said "5 time" 6 times.

Good to see the Lance Storm Action Figure get a lot of time this week.

And keep TD.
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#7 Posted on 4.3.03 1515.22
Reposted on: 4.3.10 1529.03
Thanks for the comments all.

Alright, Tommy is staying. It should be interesting to see if I can keep him fresh every week.

Oh, and the Lance Storm action figure is a case of what I call "Long Term Booking". Assuming Storm shows up on RAW next week, I'm going to pay off alot of this angle then.

If he doesn't...uh...then I'll have to drag it out for a few more weeks.

Oh, and I wanted to admit that I stole this line

    Unorignially written by Matt Hocking in the Raw Satire
    Christopher Nowinski comes out and says “The producers told me to come out here.”

from Suikoden III. But I still think it rings true. But, credit where credit is due and all

(edited by Excalibur05 on 4.3.03 1521)
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#8 Posted on 4.3.03 1519.24
Reposted on: 4.3.10 1529.04
This column has more continuity in it in the last couple of months than the WWE has had in the last couple of years - keep up the good work!

And the pre-show Dreamer bits rule
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#9 Posted on 4.3.03 2309.56
Reposted on: 4.3.10 2316.26
> Booker T is out to share some love with us. He says that he was 5 times 5 times 5 times 5 times 5 time WCW champion, making him a 3,125 time WCW champion.

Wow, great math skills!! Lol. And the dreamer stuff is worthwhile.

yay, I'm happy,
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#10 Posted on 6.3.03 1616.00
Reposted on: 6.3.10 1629.05
- The Tommy Dreamer dialogue rocks hard. But then Tommy rocks. But you make him rock even harder.

- Booker did say "5 time" 6 times in his promo, so I guess he really is the 15,625 time WCW Champion.

- I too await the fate of the Lance Storm Action Figure. I know the payoff will be worth it.

- I saw a mention a couple of weeks back regarding the mistaking of Sean Morley's character as a Homestarrunner reference, instead of a Carmen reference. May I say I am waiting for the day when 3MW job to any of the Brothers Strong?

- Not related so much to this recap, but I finally got around last night to reading the Satire archives and I don't think I have enjoyed a humorous recap this much since GH & Joe were at The Shooters. You are a funny funny man...not funny like a clown, but in a GOOD way ;)
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#11 Posted on 7.3.03 0301.14
Reposted on: 7.3.10 0307.34
YOU, my good sir are as clever as a really clever shoe.
I haven't genuinely laughed at anything this much since i saw Jackass the Movie and before that it was your last satire.

caps off to ya
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#12 Posted on 7.3.03 2005.50
Reposted on: 7.3.10 2015.48
I have Greg Lee's autograph. I wonder what he's been up to lately.

Edit: Nothing much, although he played the pivotal role of Man in Bed in the 2000 smash hit The Giving Tree.

He also voiced the Mayor/Principal on Doug, and had a few guest roles on some other shows I don't watch or don't remember.

(edited by Mack Salmon on 7.3.03 2111)
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#13 Posted on 8.3.03 0443.04
Reposted on: 8.3.10 0445.49

    Originally posted by spf2119
    - I too await the fate of the Lance Storm Action Figure. I know the payoff will be worth it.

You biggest fear now is that I'm over promoting this angle.

I just finished writing what would be the segment (should Storm so much as appear on Monday, which I'm jinxing myself by saying, watch, he'll be on Heat), and I think it's hillarious, but heightened expectations and all that.

As it is, aim for "slightly amused" and I imagine you'll be pleasantly surprised.
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