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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - the mighty mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/11/2004!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#1 Posted on 11.3.04 2101.39
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2101.41
I was running a little late because I took the kids to Popeyes and IT WAS AWWWWESOME. I thought about my boy John D Williams' mutual love of the Popeyes Fried Chicken as they were playing this 15 minute mix of "Skin Tight" by the Ohio Players and me and my three younguns were groovin' to it while greasy, preposterously spiced chicken was consumed. Popeyes fucking rules.

Then I had to get Krispy Kreme doughnuts for the wife and THEN I had to go down to Momoe's Market and get some beer. I got the 12 of Milwakee's Best ICE in the SAWED IN HALF CASE BOX. THAT's the ONLY way to buy a 12 of swill. And swill it is....

So I'm aboot 30 minutes behind. I'll catch up with the wonderment of videotape. U WON'T EVEN NOTICE! Woooooord.

WHAT WORKED-

- CHAVO SENIOR THE ANNOUNCER! Rey Rey comes out to beat on someone until Chavos II: Generations Of Evil can run in and kill him. Jamie Noble knife edge chops to offense and then Rey Rey jumps into a Malenko Rib-breaker. I await Chavo Sr to start shooting on Vader and challenging him to a shoot at Hustle 3- but instead it's mostly Cole talking way too much. Rey Rey is all agile as he flies into the BEEYOOTIFUL Moonsalt. HEY! A swerve! Tajiiri and Other Japanese Teammates HIT THE RING! Chavito is all worked up and appalled... It ECWs into an eight-man! Hey, a commercial. Ultimo kicks Tajiri in the throat and I can dig that. Chavo Sr makes the point that the crowd should be yelling "CHAVO! CHAVO! CHAVO!" Fuck yeah. Stupid rubes in Atlantic City. Jimmy Yang does a choky thing. Funaki does his Eternal Jabrone So I Don't Remember ANYTHING Cool From My Former Life As A Real Pro Wrestler offense. APW Japanese guy does a crappy sleeper and cuts off Funaki and Noble comes in with legit offense. Funaki does sell assbeating perfectly fine. Noble is beautiful making Funaki look all devastating for a minute with the jaw-breaker. Chavo Senior says FUCK YOU, COLE and just starts spouting off in Spanish. They start hitting some finishers and UD goes all highflying! Chavo Senior distracts Charles Robinson and Chavito grabs Rey Rey and Rey Rey ducks Noble's DOUBLE THRUST and Rey Rey STEALS the win! WHOA! Shannon Moore and Nunzio look like they are going to have a Cruiserweight Play-in- a fun concept whose time has come.

- Eddy with more of the crappy truck lowriders- as opposed to a great American muscle car lowrider. C'mon man, no Metallic Purple Challengers anywhere? Awesome. Shelton Benjamin is wrestling Eddy Guerrerro! Gettem on the stick. Eddy calls out Angle and Angle seems to want to wait until Wrestlemania. Shelton comes out and he's peppy. Shelton does the SWWEEET EXPLODER. Charlie is sent to the back! Eddy with the Abdominal Stretch. Shelton fights out and bumps big onto his shoulder. Shelton with the Side Suplex and a fabulous punch to the side of the head. Shelton gets Eddy's comeback over with his facial expressions. Eddy hits the Locomotion Vertical Suplexes and THE REF BUMP! Eddy dropkicks the belt into Shelton's skull! Eddy feigns semiconsciousness and hits the Love Machine Splash for the pin! ANGLE IS HERE! Angle rubs his hands over the MicroTouch shaven area on his abs. Eddy is pensive as we fade out.

- AND THE MICROTOUCH RETURNZ~! I will pimp it so it will not leave me for the stinkin Bowflex ads. "Bushy eyebrows?" YOU'RE HIDEOUS! Get MicroTouch! I don't think they really want ME to "shave it all off and show off that hot body!" That would look more like John Madden after gall bladder surgery from the neck down. And I guess I'll catch the instant replay of GAME OVER.

- They recap Eddy falling for Southern booking last week.

- The Gastineau throwback is SOOO not as cool as a Joe Klecko throwback. The Big Show is fat he sez! Oh he calls Gastineau a mark for himself! Now I'm having trouble keeping me from not hating this! RHYNO! They do a thousand power moves. Cena works all stiff with the punches and nice Lariat. Fistdrop needs work. Rhyno assumes a sort A-Traincito role of Jabroniness.

- HOLOY FUCK! DAWN MARIE IS WEARING A VAMPIRELLA VARIATION. My loins are exploding with gooey Gothic love.

- I watch more of the tape. Heyman is fun talking the Smackdown roster into hating Steve Austin. I love the Dave Campo-esque locker room speech.

- More Trojan commercials? I guess you don't want the average wrestling smark to infect his mom's oven mitts with clamydia so maybe these commercials ARE a good idea. Sheik Elites don't break right in the middle of the hot action, though. Fuck no. Sheiks keep it together so you rock on to the break of dawn.

- "Don't question our loooolty." Rikishi and Scotty2Hotty wrestle the Excitement Brothers! Sir Danny and Doug. Scotty works a headlock early and Bashams cheat to go on offense. Danny Basham does a really nice chinlock- in that it was a chinlock but it looked like it actually hurt. Bashams beat on Scotty for a while and Scotty's selling of the beating keeps me from venturing into slumberland. Scotty battles back but Danny cuts him off and Tazz is great with getting over the psychology of Scotty's formerly broken neck being the part the Bashams are working over. Rikishi tags in and Scotty hits the worst Superkick ever. Rikishi hits a better superkick for the pin. Rikishi's Giant Walk In Freezer Of Poo doesn't get smooshed in the face of a Basham.

- The Rock's tattooed ode to Chief Peter Mavia is AWWWESOME. Testify, my sangre.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Big Show squashes John Walters and that other guy. Still the best John Walters match I've ever seen so far. Cena runs in and beats down Big Show! And... it's still a squash...

- RAW highlights? Oh suck my cock.

- Sable and Torrie are at the Las Vegas Playboy thing. They talk to a bunch of guys who you can actually visualize jacking off to the Playboy pictorial. "Oh Torrie! I've got you in a nekkid hammerlock! GUUUH! HEY Sable I got you inna inna inna inna nekkid headscissors! HUW! HUW! HUW! Torrie I got YOU inna... nekkid headlock! GRUUUUH! Sable I got you inna nekkid...uh.... uh...uh... UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGH..." Meanwhile, TRUE wrestling fans- the 42 year old virgins- are still toasting a viscuous, cottage cheese-textured load over their bootleg copy of Roger Corman's Fantastic Four video onto their complete Black Adder dvd collection.

- the Austin-Brock facedown was fine. Not 45 minutes of fine. Brock DOES blade like a Professional Wrestler should. 45 minutes?

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN.
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Mild Mannered Madman
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#2 Posted on 11.3.04 2123.08
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2123.13
Some nitpickery.

APW Japanese Guy (Sakoda) is actually UPW Japanese Guy.
Stilton
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#3 Posted on 11.3.04 2124.33
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2126.49
Shelton Benjamin has "star" written all over him. He's got skills, charisma, the look, the whole package. I know SD needs heels right now, but with last week's brilliant comedy show lampooing the APA, and tonights display of all 'round goodness, I can't help but think this guy could be a super-huge babyface.

A much better lead-in to Mania than this week's RAW, but it still didn't have the feel of it being the end of an era; I'm not talking about the Brock era, but just that WMXX is susposed to be "where everything begins again". Well, if everything is going to begin again, then tonight would have been the night to make it feel like something was coming to an end, and they didn't do much of that.

The locker room turning their backs on Paul Heyman was pretty good. That in itself leaves the door open to all kinds of angles in the future. Hmmm... Big Show looked a little facey there when he let Austin pass by. Face turn for Show? Naw! SD needs heels! The roster doing the Red Sea bit for Austin makes Austin look like a god. Nice segment. And Lesnar blading like a good boy! Wow! He sure didn't look like a man who can't wait to hang up his boots. I wonder....

The Cruiser smoz/tag match was good... not enough Ultimo! And Shannon Moore? Who knew?
redsoxnation
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#4 Posted on 11.3.04 2130.53
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2131.54
When Billy and Chuck stood side-by-side, I was waiting for someone to say 'Do you take this man'.
Always nice to see a non-wrestler for a year intimidate most of the locker room. At least they had the sense to keep Eddy and Angle out of it.
Without 1 word, Kurt Angle did more than Trip does in his 27 hour 'I Am God' promos.
DEAN, an interesting question for you: Torrie and Sable, or the Lawrence Welk girls?
Bishoplaud
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#5 Posted on 11.3.04 2134.40
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2134.58
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Meanwhile, TRUE wrestling fans- the 42 year old virgins- are still toasting a viscuous, cottage cheese-textured load over their bootleg copy of Roger Corman's Fantastic Four video onto their complete Black Adder dvd collection.


I have NO words for this. As a Fantastic Four fan (who got his bootleg Corman film on Kazaa) AND a Blackadder fan, I can honestly say that the above was the greatest statement in the history of the Smackdown Workrate report.

Oh, and for some reason, I think you should start drinking Miller High Life while doing these.
Torchslasher
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#6 Posted on 11.3.04 2151.59
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2152.13
    Originally posted by redsoxnation
    When Billy and Chuck stood side-by-side, I was waiting for someone to say 'Do you take this man'.
    Always nice to see a non-wrestler for a year intimidate most of the locker room. At least they had the sense to keep Eddy and Angle out of it.
    Without 1 word, Kurt Angle did more than Trip does in his 27 hour 'I Am God' promos.
    DEAN, an interesting question for you: Torrie and Sable, or the Lawrence Welk girls?


Ok, so now we're back to the Austin over wrestlers argument? Come on. They made a point that the SD roster is tired of Paul Heyman and by proxy Brock Lesnar. I found this to be maybe the best example of a general manager getting what is coming to him, even moreso than when Vince gets humiliated by someone. I thought it was the right move, and a good reason for Heyman to perhaps quit Smackdown and form some other company (although I have no idea what Paul would call this new federation).
Joe E. Nitro
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#7 Posted on 11.3.04 2154.55
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2155.00
Milwaukee's Best Ice on top of spicy fried chicken? I don't know what you do for a living Dean. Whatever it is I hope, for your co-workers sake, it is not a closed in area.

(edited by EastCoastJoe on 11.3.04 2256)
asteroidboy
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#8 Posted on 11.3.04 2158.06
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2159.02
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    I thought about my boy John D Williams' mutual love of the Popeyes Fried Chicken as they were playing this 15 minute mix of "Skin Tight" by the Ohio Players and me and my three younguns were groovin' to it while greasy, preposterously spiced chicken was consumed. Popeyes fucking rules.


Yes it does, especially the biscuits. TELL ME YOU GOT EXTRA BISCUITS.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#9 Posted on 11.3.04 2158.13
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2159.03
    Originally posted by EastCoastJoe
    Milwaukee's Best Ice on top of spicy fried chicken? I don't know what you do for a living Dean. Whatever it is I hope, for your co-workers sake, it is not a closed in area.

    (edited by EastCoastJoe on 11.3.04 2256)


I'm living for a painful painful painful agonizing reappraisal of my dining decisions tomorry morning.
T.i.O a B.m.F
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#10 Posted on 11.3.04 2240.18
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2240.54
Oh man I actually think they are gonna do this ECW thing. The way the whole Heyman thing was booked tonight. It got me very psyched for the return of extreme! With Lesnar leaving now, Heyman wont have one supporter. IMO they should fire him at Mania and have him re-form ECW right there in New York City! According to the press conference notes the "ECW" chants when he came out were so loud things actually came to a hault. The New Yorkers are hungry for it and would proably pop HUGE!
redsoxnation
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#11 Posted on 11.3.04 2250.53
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2250.56
    Originally posted by Torchslasher
      Originally posted by redsoxnation
      When Billy and Chuck stood side-by-side, I was waiting for someone to say 'Do you take this man'.
      Always nice to see a non-wrestler for a year intimidate most of the locker room. At least they had the sense to keep Eddy and Angle out of it.
      Without 1 word, Kurt Angle did more than Trip does in his 27 hour 'I Am God' promos.
      DEAN, an interesting question for you: Torrie and Sable, or the Lawrence Welk girls?


    Ok, so now we're back to the Austin over wrestlers argument? Come on. They made a point that the SD roster is tired of Paul Heyman and by proxy Brock Lesnar. I found this to be maybe the best example of a general manager getting what is coming to him, even moreso than when Vince gets humiliated by someone. I thought it was the right move, and a good reason for Heyman to perhaps quit Smackdown and form some other company (although I have no idea what Paul would call this new federation).






Perhaps the Austin thing wouldn't have gotten to me if he hadn't gone on RAW Monday and said he could kick the ass of anyone in the RAW or SD locker room. After that comment, you'd think they'd book it so at least one wrestler other than Lesnar tried to stand up to Austin, thus at least making him have to fight through someone before they all parted like the Red Sea.
Big Bad
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#12 Posted on 11.3.04 2258.07
Reposted on: 11.3.11 2259.01
Bringing back ECW would be a bad move at this point, given WWE's apparent problems with creating/maintaining enough healthy and over wrestlers for each brand as it is. None of the ECW-likely guys are main eventers (RVD, Rhyno, the Dudleys) but it'd take a big chunk out of the midcard.

Nice review as always, Dean.
SC
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#13 Posted on 12.3.04 0557.35
Reposted on: 12.3.11 0558.44
    Originally posted by T.i.O a B.m.F
    It got me very psyched for the return of extreme!


You know, not to rain on your parade or anything, but if they do it, it's not *really* ECW.
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#14 Posted on 12.3.04 1227.18
Reposted on: 12.3.11 1227.53

    - Eddy with more of the crappy truck lowriders- as opposed to a great American muscle car lowrider. C'mon man, no Metallic Purple Challengers anywhere?


Eddy would look very fine in a Metallic Purple Challenger--heck, ANY man looks very fine in a Metallic Purple Challenger.

MM
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#15 Posted on 12.3.04 1325.58
Reposted on: 12.3.11 1329.01
Did anybody else catch the "Oh you didn't know?!" when the Superstars were heading to their meeting? I think Scotty said it to Badass. I starting busting up becuase of the randomness of it.

Maybe I was hearing things...
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#16 Posted on 12.3.04 1446.51
Reposted on: 12.3.11 1447.05
    Originally posted by Madame Manga

      - Eddy with more of the crappy truck lowriders- as opposed to a great American muscle car lowrider. C'mon man, no Metallic Purple Challengers anywhere?


    Eddy would look very fine in a Metallic Purple Challenger--heck, ANY man looks very fine in a Metallic Purple Challenger.

    MM


My cousin Tommy had one of those when I was a little kid. It was completely bad ass.
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#17 Posted on 12.3.04 1605.30
Reposted on: 12.3.11 1605.58
    Originally posted by ShotGunShep
    Did anybody else catch the "Oh you didn't know?!" when the Superstars were heading to their meeting? I think Scotty said it to Badass. I starting busting up becuase of the randomness of it.

    Maybe I was hearing things...
I caught that too, right when they were in the hallway walking throught the door to the meeting room. Good stuff.
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#18 Posted on 12.3.04 1904.23
Reposted on: 12.3.11 1904.24
was that Nick dinsmore in a mask waaay in the back during the locker room speech?

Snookum
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#19 Posted on 12.3.04 2124.52
Reposted on: 12.3.11 2124.52
I had to tape it and have only seen the last twenty minutes but I do have this to add: Brock seemed to have more fun driving Austin's little ATV around (and managed it better) than Austin ever has. Trying to pop some wheelies with that thing just made the stunt all worthwhile.

And congrats to Austin for managing to not run over Heyman while making a loop around the ring.

Who was the guy in the glasses near the ring in that gauntlet? I didn't get a good look at him.
thebadguy
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#20 Posted on 13.3.04 1240.53
Reposted on: 13.3.11 1241.10
    Originally posted by DJ FrostyFreeze
      Originally posted by ShotGunShep
      Did anybody else catch the "Oh you didn't know?!" when the Superstars were heading to their meeting? I think Scotty said it to Badass. I starting busting up becuase of the randomness of it.

      Maybe I was hearing things...
    I caught that too, right when they were in the hallway walking throught the door to the meeting room. Good stuff.


I heard it as well. I think that Rikishi said it.
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