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7 Wrestlers Who Should Apply For A Reality TV Show
By: Chris Fothergill-Brown
September 29, 2009
In 2007, professional wrestler Ashley Massaro decided to take a break from getting paid ridiculous sums of money for doing absolutely nothing and compete on the CBS Reality TV show Survivor: China. Massaro proceeded to commit career suicide and set the bar so low for wrestlers that even Hornswoggle screamed when he banged his chin on it while getting up to pee in the middle of the night. The former “Diva Search” winner not only failed to win the game; she couldn’t compete physically, mentally, or even socially and was voted out second. The only thing that saved her from being the first to go was a stereotypical anti-social chicken farmer from Virginia named (wait for it ... ) Chicken.
Congratulations Ashley, you outlasted this guy.
Can wrestling's Reality Reputation be saved? While sending the obvious ringer and multiple time Reality Show contestant Mike “The Miz” Mizanin into action would be an easy ploy to salvage their credibility, we here at Shooting Star Press have some other nominations.
7) Shawn Michaels – So You Think You Can Dance
For the last 25 years, Shawn Michaels has been a fixture in professional wrestling as the degenerate midnight cowboy. While his once outrageous antics have been calmed down to that of a still lake in his old age, Shawn still employs his trademark striptease during every flamboyant step towards the ring. Guinness World Records would be remiss if they didn’t induct him for “drawing the largest crowds on a nightly basis to watch a grown man floss his ass with a studded vest”.
He also grooms his chest hair.
Why He Won’t Win
Unfortunately, Shawn Michaels is a one trick pony. While he’s perfected the art of milking a crowd while crouched seductively in front of his soul mate and life partner Hunter Helmsley, it’s the only dance he knows. Michaels will easily cruise past the early elimination rounds before getting squashed like a bug when he’s asked to perform a tango and proceeds to dry hump his partner into a quivering mass of submission.
6) The Big Show – The Biggest Loser
Uhhh, he’s 7 feet tall and 500 pounds. Even when giving a few extra pounds due to his height, we’re pretty sure he’s still a fat fuck.
Why He Won’t Win
The Big Show is a genetic freak in many ways, but the biggest mystery that surrounds him is dieting. The WWE have put in place countless attempts, including multiple suspensions to the big man to get him to lose weight. And then the vicious circle begins.
Jim Ross will update his blog reader on a weekly basis, informing him that The Big Show is doing great on hiatus and has slimmed down to the size of a Cruiserweight. Multiple fans will claim to have seen him in action at various WWE training grounds, and in fact, he’s at his lightest weight since birth. And upon return, he’ll be roughly 80 pounds heavier than the last time we saw him. The man has an uncanny ability to actually gain weight while losing it.
(Left: Big Show practicing his Shooting Star Press in Ohio Valley Wrestling, December 2000.)
(Right: Big Show makes his return covered in cherry pie filling, January 2001.)
While he may be able to fool Jim Ross’ senile old eyes, he’s not fooling anyone’s scale. Expect him to go home within the first 3 weeks of the program, after spending 14 hours a day exercising and gaining 125 pounds.
5) Santino Marella – America’s Next Top Model
Since joining the WWE in Italy (by way of Canada) in 2007, Marella’s been saddled with the role of comic relief. Rarely winning any in-ring matches, Marella has racked up a few accolades, the most notable being Miss Wrestlemania. His strength comes from his promos, where he is known to butcher every single word in the English language; which would put him on par with every single girl on America’s Next Top Model.
Why He Won’t Win
Despite clearly being a man who possesses a great deal of charisma and charm, he has all the grace of a penguin in a pig-pen. Over-excitement often causes Santino to trip over his own two feet, as seen when he crashed over the guardrail in disbelief when Bob Barker called his name on The Price Is RAW. And while he may be able to fool a few eyes on the runway, nobody can miss his unibrow. Santino’s breakdown when having it pointed out for the first time will lead to his elimination, but would make for the finest 5 minutes of Reality TV history.
4) Randy Orton – America’s Got Talent
Randy Orton arrived in the WWE in 2002 as the can't miss blue chip prospect, and ever since then Orton’s been continually shoved down the throats of the viewer as the most talented young wrestler in the business. Still just 29 years old, he’s got years ahead of himself, which Michael Cole will point out during every single RAW telecast from now until his retirement at Wrestlemania 43, when he’ll be defeated by a tearful Shawn Michaels.
Why He Won’t Win
Despite being called the most talented young wrestler for the last 7 years by every announcer, wrestler, ring announcer, and McMahon, Orton really doesn’t do much other than pose and apply chinlocks. His good looks might win over Sharon Osbourne, but you can bet Piers Morgan pounds his buzzer like a hyperactive Jeopardy contestant.
"So ... that's it?"
3) Jillian Hall – American Idol
Forget qualifications, the question here is why HASN’T Jillian Hall applied for this show. The woman clearly has a desire to become a professional singer. When she isn’t crooning for live audiences, she’s sucking up to the celebrity guest hosts in the hopes of getting noticed. However until Simon Cowell hosts an episode of RAW, the obvious solution is for her to go to Simon Cowell.
I'm dreaming of an MTV Music Award!
Why She Won’t Win
Besides being armed with a voice so shrill that dolphins are rumoured to explode from its intensity, she also lacks originality. All of her songs are covers, which suits the Idol format just fine, except they’re done in the original style to boot (assuming the original style was set to the octave of a chimpanzee being raped by the pointed end of a flaming bamboo stick). Paula will no doubt tell her she’s wonderful, but the only appearance Ms. Hall will be making is onto the blooper reel hall of shame.
2) Chris Jericho – Survivor
Besides being a ball of charisma and an excellent in-ring strategist, Chris Jericho’s also not afraid to take extended vacations in the hopes of achieving superstardom outside of the squared circle. In fact, at the time of casting for Survivor: China when the dunderheads at CBS chose Ashley, Chris Jericho was on a 2 year self-imposed personal exile from wrestling.
His CBS profile states his dislikes are "Assclowns" and "Hunters"
Why He Won’t Win
There’s no doubt Jericho possesses every necessary quality to make a deep run in the game of Survivor. He’s got a rapier wit, is the self-proclaimed smartest man in wrestling, and can make alliances at the drop of a hat. He’s won tag-team titles with Edge, The Big Show, The Rock, Christian, and Chris Benoit (as one half The Prairie Asphyxiators).
The problem with Jericho is that inevitably he begins to suspect that a giant conspiracy is out to get him, and his insane paranoia causes one of two scenarios: He turns on his alliance, or his alliance turns on him. As Jericho battles down to the final stages of Survivor, expect him to make so many enemies that by the time the jury rolls around he’ll have so much heat with the entire group he’ll be lucky to get a single vote.
1) Triple H – The Apprentice
Like there was ever any doubt.
Who better than the master locker room politician to play the ultimate board room game of manipulation? Armed with over 10 years of experience in belittling his opposition, destroying careers, and burying his enemies, the 12-time World Champion is as qualified for the Trump world as any Reality candidate.
Why He Won’t Win
We can’t think of a damn reason. According to a very trustworthy source, Triple H entered the WWE in 1995, and on his first day announced that one day he’d be running the joint. Expect a total slaughter by the man appropriately “The Game”. By week 4, he’ll be dining with Ivanka Trump. Grumbling in the board room will begin by week 7 when Triple H takes his seat beside The Don. When all remaining contestants are fired in week 9, Trump will appoint him the heir apparent to his empire, capped off by the pay-per-view wedding to Ivanka with Don Jr. performing the ceremony. Cerebral Assassin indeed.
Not as far fetched as you might think.
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