OMG I am back with twenty six hot wrestlings FACTZ to impress your friends with! You'll be the most popular person in your social group and all the chicks will want to sleep with you (unless you're a girl...except if you're a lesbian!) so you better read them fast before Jeremy McVittie gets them taken down!
- Goldberg invented the Jackhammer by accident! He was trying to give Hugh Morrus a suplex when he slipped on a soda a fan had thrown into the ring during a twenty minute Hollywood Hogan promo! He nearly killed Hugh Morrus but nobody cared because it was Hugh Morrus.
- The first ever "I'd rather be in Chyna" sign was actually held be a dyslexic Chinese tourist who was being forced to attend WWF shows against his will!
- The reason samoan wrestlers have such hard heads is due to an ancient samoan tradition! That tradition is that Roddy Piper visits all samoan children when they're one year old and hits them in the skull with a coconut, to make their still forming skull bones go super tough! Unfortunately this tradition was outlawed because it was seen as child abuse and because Roddy Piper is dead so expect upcoming samoan wrestlers to have weak skulls!
- Paige was born in a fish and chips shop as her mother didn't want to leave until she'd finished eating her deep fried blood pudding!
- Road Dogg Jesse James came up with his name after he drove by a dead dog on the road!
- The Rock learned how to be a great actor by having to pretend to like Mick Foley for years!
- Contary to rumours, Scott Steiner NEVER injected himself with steroids. He had Rick do it for him!
- Scott Steiner invented the Frankensteiner after he tried to leapfrog a jobber but didn't get all the way over and the jobber's head got stuck in his crotch with Scott still in mid air! Scared that people would think he was gay, Scott quickly closed his mighty thighs around the jobber's neck and flipped him over on the top of his head in an attempt to kill him to prove he wasn't gay!
- The segments of Khaleesi Tape Cesaro wears are actually giant nicotine patches as he's trying to quit smoking!
- The reason why the Stone Cold Stunner that Steve Austing gave Donald Trump that one year at WrestleMania looked so bad was because it was actually a shoot stunner! Stone Cold had a vision of the future and saw that Trump would one day be president so instinctively stunned him on the spot to kill him! The bump Trump took is actually the SHOOT bump anyone would take when hit by a shoot stunner! But Trump didn't die because Lashley performed CPR on him off camera.
- "Jeff Jarrett: The Man You Hate To Love To Hate" is the greatest wrestling sign of all time!
- Santino Marella got the idea to become a pro wrestler after eating at the Hulk Hogan's Pastamania world headquarters in Italy!
- The reason why the WWE never attempted to take over UK wrestling before is because Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks threatened to squash Vince McMahon between their bellies if he ever tried it! But someone told Vince last month that they'd both died so he said "TAKE OVER THE UK NOW, PAL!"
- Raven and Tommy Dreamer really did go to summer camp together, but they didn't fight over Beulah...they actually fought over Stevie Richards as all three were going through a "gay period" at the time!
- Hulk Hogan will make a surprise appearance at WrestleMania with his daughter Brooke! Hogan and Brooke will come to the ring and she'll parade around in a bikini while Hogan smiles and sometimes rubs her back! TITUS O'NIEL will then interrupt and say "hey, Hogan, can I date your daughter!" and Hogan will say "no, Jack, but not because you're black, dude, but because NO ONE is good enough for my daughter but me, BROTHER!" and rip his shirt off (it's a pre-cut shirt) and gives Titus three big punches (he can't do the big boot or legdrop anymore) to send him packing! New Day will then come out and start dancing with Brooke and Hogan will even dance too to prove he isn't racist! But when Big E tries to bump and grind with Brooke and Xavier starts filming her on his phone, Hogan will grab her arm and say "uhh, we got a plane to catch, chap!" and run away with her quickly and then a minute later you'll see a private jet fly over the arena with "Hulk Hogan's Private Jet Paid For With Gawker Money" written on the side to prove he wasn't lying!
- The reason Vince won't push Cesaro is because his buddy Trump keeps telling him about the "bad incidents" going down in Sweden every night so Vince thinks Cesaro might be a terrorist sympathiser! (He also thinks Cesaro is Swedish.)
- If you ever see a blurred out sign held up on RAW while Roman Reigns is seemingly being cheered it no doubt reads "I'm actually booing Roman!" Or it has a swear word.
- Giant Baby and Rikishidozen used to play Godzilla and Mothra in movies in Japan before they were wrestlers! In one scene, Godizlla accidentally gave Mothra a BACKDROP DRIVER through a building and Japanese wrestling was invented!
- There were actually only twelve thousand fans at WrestleMania 3. It just looked like more because it wans't in HD!
- Tom Philips can often be seen at the Performance Centre, sitting down in the corner of the ring, telling the female wrestlers he can show them the correct way to execute the Bronco Buster.
- The white powder in guitars that wrestlers like New Jack and the Honk Tonk Man (imagine if they were a tag team!) break over their opponent's heads ISN'T cocaine like YOU thought it was, it's actually special MUSICAL POWDER that makes the guitars sound better and only real musicians like me and New Jack and the Honky Tonnk Man know about it!
- Jack Gallagher is actually an albino black man! But no one suspects it because of his English accent.
- Rusev has never watched Game of Thrones because it reminds him too much of life in Bulgaria!
- My top three most masturwanked over Trish Stratus moments: 1) When she turned heel on Jericho at WrestleMania 20! 2) When Mickie James grabbed her by the pizzussy at whatever WM that was! 3) When Lita whipped her with a leather belt while Trish was in her bra at Fully Loaded 2000!
- The Great Mutant first invented spitting green mist in WCW when he drank a pint of GREEN BEER on Saint Patrick's day and it tasted horrible so he spat it in Sting's face!
- Terry Funk once got drunk and put his horse in a spinning toe hold! But the horse didn't submit because horses don't have toes.
Back never with nothing ever this is the end of Hot Newz forever for real this time seeya!
I'm going to go over to Lake Hiawatha NJ (Parsippany, basically) to go to the free "TV" taping for the Jersey All Pro Wrestling internet show tonight. I don't really watch internet shows (no broadband)