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The W - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWF - April
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Andouille








Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 2971 days
Last activity: 185 days
#1 Posted on
On the other hand, this was the kind of episode that was MADE to be dissected on rec.arts.startrek.current, because at the time everybody just couldn't WAIT to talk about all those wonderful hot-button sexual issues...mostly because they always attempted to inject them into all the discussion anyway. Oh, what a time to be alive, gay and have Usenet access! They're here, they're queer and when it comes to Star Trek Usenet discussion, they can't shut up any more easily than the straight folk! Umm, I don't know how I ended up talking about this for almost 150 words...sorry--hey, and how ABOUT how that wacky Riker? He'll fuck ANYBODY (except a guy - unless you believe some RASer's, heh heh heh)
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Oh man, they better not be teasing me by giving me ONE match like this and then never again... This is the kind of match that has been missing from RAW for a long time, and I hope it either goes over right away, or the fans quickly get re-educated to it.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Patrick looks RIGHT AT Regal stuffing the knux in a turnbuckle...sheesh - oh, wait - Patrick sneaks over and grabs the knux, putting them in his own pocket! Well, damn, I must have died and gone to heaven.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

They end up catching sight of something TRULY AMAZING - *somehow* the APA offices were transported BRICK BY BRICK from Philadelphia to Albany and left in the EXACT SAME STATE as last Thursday!
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Ross finds this VERY disrespectful! Even DAMN disrespectful!
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Lawler wastes no time turning into Beavis.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Mick Foley hosts the new season of "Robot Wars: Extreme Warriors" - oh man he's hanging out with Carol Grow! Remember her on ESPN2's "Coed Fitness?" Oh man, how many a lonely, lonely morning I've spent watching her work on her....oh I've said too much again
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Ross mentions that Flair made Taker his first draft pick "...so he can make the Undertaker's life a living hell, and anybody that can't figure that out must be a REAL idiot!" Whoa, who crapped in Ross' Kashi?
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Taker regards the situation...H takes another step forward and now they're standing nose to nose. And given the size of H's nose....sorry.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Good God, with that hairdo, I think Jeff must think he's Bjork or something.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Man, how many kinds of ugly can we have in one match? I suppose when Jeff gets the tag we can add another one.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

I believe that match can be best described as "gangly."
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Seeing PAUL E. HEYMAN pose with Lesnar just made me think "911 with four moves instead of one" - that's probably not where they want me to go with that, though.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Ross says "Jeff got the hell powerbombed out of him...more times than Liza Minelli's been married." Hey, stay tuned - later tonight, he'll make a joke about Doc Severinsen's jacket.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Excuse me, I am TRYING to look at Terri's ASS.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

"WWF Divas 2002 Swimsuit Edition" magazine - in stores tomorrow! Unused slogan: YOU CAN BEAT OFF TO IT, SON
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Kane looks rather annoyed - at least as annoyed as you can be while you're wearing a mask.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Hmm, Foley's doing VO on *this* ad, too - hey I think we're onto something here. You know who I always hated on voiceovers? Penn Gillette for Comedy Central - MAN he sucked. I was ready to write in offering to work FOR FREE if only they'd lose him...then I remembered that I wasn't anybody famous and they wouldn't give a crap if I offered to work for free, so I didn't.
WWF RAW 1.4.2002

Take a gander at your SmackDown! commentary team: MICHAEL COLE & TAZZ - holy crap, what the hell is Cole wearing? Tazz helpfully offers "Don Johnson - what is it, 1985? Nice jacket!"
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

I wonder if I could get a sparkly jacket with MY name on the back of it like Jericho's got.
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

Man, listen to the Rock's voice crack - being Hogan's bitch is EMASCULATING him!
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

Why doesn't Rock want a title shot? Maybe he still has BRAIN DAMAGE from WHEN HOGAN DROVE THAT SEMI INTO HIS AMBULANCE
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

Doesn't having *Terry Bradshaw* be the spokesperson for SUPERCUTS kinda defeat the purpose?
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

Page grins, ducks a swing (I bet he has to do that a lot when he grins like that)...
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

One more Six Flags Marine World ad - meet Al Snow & Maven! PLEASE!! I'd go but...man, I LOVE sleep
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

As we examine this exterior shot, I put to you that the Blue Cross Arena is neither Blue nor a Cross - discuss
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

For those of you wondering, "Van Wilder" has been added to Official CRZ "I Wish This Fucking Movie Would Fucking Open Already So I Wouldn't Have To See Any More Fucking Ads For It" Hall of Fame, by the way
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

Man, somebody needs to tell Cole how to properly kayfabe the Jericho/McQueen thing - and by "properly" I mean, "at all."
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.4.2002

GOOD OL' JR:

THIS WEEK: "I'm still trying to figure out why Ric Flair made the Undertaker Flair's #1 Draft Pick...other than the fact to make the Undertaker's life miserable, but..."

JUST LAST WEEK: "...so he can make the Undertaker's life a living hell, and anybody that can't figure that out must be a REAL idiot!"
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

Big Show shills Stacker 2 - hey, you know what would have been interesting? Ric Flair could have said "You know what Undertaker, Austin...I'm giving the title shot to The Big Show because he helped me out last week with Vince and I think he deserves to be rewarded for not being a jackass to me." See, and not only would it have made SENSE, but it would have PISSED OFF EEEEEEEVERYBODY
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

Of course, nobody's said "Judgment Day" all night...but I owe that more to the fact that they think that we're so stupid that to give us more than one pay-per-view name would be so confusing that we might forget to spend money on them one month or something than to the fact that they might not be calling it "Judgment Day" this year. I guess we'll know in a couple weeks or so.
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

The look on Taker's face says he's thinking "MotherFUCKER."
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

Moments Ago, Two Paragraphs Ago - check out Taker's face on that Last Ride. Taker is a master of emotion and my personal hero
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

The Cubs Fan says if I make a Mandy Moore joke here, it'll go over like gangbusters. Guess I'm too old 'cause I don't know what the HELL he's talking about - but PLEASE *don't* email me to explain it. I'd just rather be old.
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

Now he's got an "agent" - and an entrance video/theme - it's BROCK and his pokemon, GASTLY.
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

Earlier Tonight, Austin - had a lot - of pauses - so people - could say "What"
WWF RAW 8.4.2002

Remember, every time the crowd chants "What?" it's for a guy that ain't ever appearing on this show:
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

I *think* I must be too old to appreciate this.
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

Big Show shills Stacker 2 - wait, that's not Show...that's Lita! How could I make that mistake? Oh well
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

MOMENTS AGO! In case the ad break wiped your memory clean
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

Here comes BILLIONAIRE VINCE - about seven minutes later, STACY KEIBLER comes out with the Forceable Entry CD cover and does a Miss Hancock dance while Vince makes faces, falls back in his chair and says "you're hired, Stacy!" If you were hoping I'd tell you what happened between then and then, well I hope the disappointment you are now feeling is even REMOTELY close to the disappointment I felt sitting through this whole bit.
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

"Behind the Scenes: Scorpion King" - sand in the crack of your ass HIYO - it opens a week from tomorrow!
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

Okay, now as you watch this match, keep in mind: this is about PRIDE. Kurt Angle has something to PROVE. At least, between Angle, Cole, Tazz they really hammering that point home - which is just great...if they actually follow through *and* actually TELL THAT STORY.
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

Angle's clad only in a jock - H clotheslines him down, another right hand puts him down, clotheslined over the top and to the floor - DAMN that Kurt Angle's got a sweet ass - oh, umm
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.4.2002

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 15.31 (+ .61, last year: 12.70, two years ago: 14 3/4) - well whaddaya know, SOMEBODY'S buying this turkey
WWF RAW 15.4.2002

That really is the worst toupee I've ever seen - and I'm including all the OTHER ones I've seen Stasiak wear.
WWF RAW 15.4.2002

Interesting that they'd team Regal with Guerrero, isn't it? (Why, do they have something in common?) Oh come on.
WWF RAW 15.4.2002

I am sad that they keep saying "Lethal Weapon" without referring to Steve Blackman.
WWF RAW 15.4.2002

Jeff checks on his brother, while Lita...hoo boy, Lita really can't act well at all. I'm sorry, she's a dear I'm sure, but man she sure can't act.
WWF RAW 15.4.2002

You know, those dotcom geniuses still have Hogan all over nwo.wwf.com - I mean, don't get me wrong...finding obsolete items on WWFE websites is like shooting fish in a barrel, I know this, but even YOU have to admit this is pretty damn egregious in the scheme of things. (Okay, I'll admit it, but only if you tell me what "egregious" means.)
WWF RAW 15.4.2002

Let Us Take You Back To Last Week When Mark Henry Did A Thing And Test Did Some Other Thing
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.4.2002

The thing I got out of this segment is barely ANYBODY can be conned into displaying a Backlash T-shirt.
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.4.2002

"Well with all that being said, you can call it corny if you want - you can call it a bunch of sentimental crap if you want - but to tell you the truth, I don't care, because dammit, this IS reality!" What a corny bunch of sentimental crap - oh.
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.4.2002

Edge backs off with a creepy grin on his face. Vince gulps. Gee, and I thought Edge was a sarcastic lover of fun or whatever - actually, I should be giving out kudos to whoever realised that shtick didn't work last week and changed it up for THIS week.
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.4.2002

Tough Enough 2 ad - aka "Jackie cries for half an hour" I'm guessing
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.4.2002

The sounds of an organ (the instrumental, not the anatomical) bring out "Mr. McMahon's spiritual advisor, D-VON." What the hell happened to his last name? Hey, when *I* found God, I KEPT my last name!
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.4.2002

Flair gets some coffee - Regal is already working on some pee - I mean, tea.
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

Hey, why exactly do all these people care so much about Austin getting screwed, anyway? Doesn't affect THEM as far as I can tell...ah well, let's sit through another ad break while we ponder such things
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

You know, that's *twice* they COULD have brought up how a "real" referee would notice feet on the rope as opposed to Flair's failing to notice it, and both times none of the commentators take the opportunity to put over the story - and it's not like they're talking about anything else that's AS important...or, indeed, anything at all. Arrrrrgh.
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

Here's a look at the dotcom - HOGAN DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE, it says - when Hogan last held this title, there WAS no World Wide Web - chew on THAT.
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

Wow, it must make Richard Roeper SO happy that they keep comparing the gold and black to "Siskel & Ebert." Actually, he probably couldn't give a rip, but still.
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

We hear a toilet flush...coincidentally, Kevin Nash appears. (Make your own joke - it's fun!)
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

WWF FLASHBACK: April 4, 1993 - at WrestleMania IX, Hulk Hogan pinned Yokozuna to end his 128 second title reign - and simtulaneously make everyone gathered in a Modesto apartment GROOOOOOOAN
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

Undertaker, what'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do at Judgment Day, Taker - what'cha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania, and all my Hulkamaniacs run wild on..." and nobody completes the catchphrase very loudly, so the whole thing ends up sounding kinda....umm....tepid. GOOD OL' JR: "What a great reception here tonight live in St. Louis!" Golly, but you sure can tell the difference between a live RAW and a post-produced SmackDown!, can't you?
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

You know, I'll forgive everything - EVERYTHING else that's happened tonight if I can just get ONE good, classic Big Show imitation outta Hall in this match.
WWF RAW 22.4.2002

I guess we cut the One World Leader so we could have just ten seconds more of Hogan adulation - and Hogan shaking his head. I'm shaking MY head right now, actually. THIS JUST IN: Hogan's big in the sticks
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

The problem *I* have is I never see anybody's LIPS moving along with the "Hogan" chant that inevitably ends up in my soundtrack.
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

He begs off until Torrie comes up from behind - and SHE pulls down HIS pants! There's another thong (red) and man there's asses EVERYWHERE - none of them as nice as Kurt Angle's, may I add.
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

Snow and Maven proudly display their skins - then try 'em on. The victors act effeminate. THIS MATCH IS MAKING ME SO GAY QUICK GET OUTTA HERE

So we cut to Kurt Angle. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I'm gonna go find some porn, I'll be right back. Whew, I feel better - now let's find out what Angle's fetching smile is all about.
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

Here's a look at lovely scenic Peoria. Ahahahaha just kidding - it ain't all that scenic...and "lovely" is on the ropes
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

WWF Divas Will Never Have Sex With You Magazine ad
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

Let Us Take You Back to RAW for a Special Video Look at Undertaker and Triple H - this clip airs in Seizurama, except for the parts in Wavyvision
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

Lita shills Stacker 2 - hey, Lita, be careful...I hear that stuff cracks your vertebrae!
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.4.2002

TONIGHT: If the purpose of this teaser is to get you to watch tonight's show, why fill so much of it with a clip from LAST week? Who can figure out such devices...
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

Wow, Eddie gained THIRTEEN POUNDS in TWO WEEKS! Get me on HIS diet!
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

Lita, you may have heard, broke her neck on the set of "Dark Angel," where she may or may not have been performing her trademark 'rana. Sources close to the scene said her first words immediately after regaining consciousness were "it just feels not right." Now that I've burned all remaining goodwill with you, we can move into this match without emotional attachment, but first let me say AT LEAST it's better that she broke her neck in private on a backlot instead of on live TV where you and I had to cringe through it? Oh, you're probably one of those people who thought it'd NEVER happen, right? Man, it sucks to be one of us.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

The breaking of glass heralds the arrival of STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. GOOD OL' JR: "this whole arena has erupted with the mere sight of the Texas Rattlesnake!" I get the feeling GOOD OL' JR just had an eruption of his own, if you get my drift. IN HIS PANTS.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

Here's RIC FLAIR looking JUST like Eric Bischoff in black leather jacket and white hair.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

What do you MEAN we had this very same match four weeks ago? It was good! Don't complain! They should have this match EVERY week!
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman) v. SHAWN STASIAK (Planet Stasiak - 261 pounds)
referee: JACK DOAN
WHOA LESNAR GAINED TWENTY POUNDS IN ONE WEEK!!!!!! Even Eddie Guerrero can't gain weight like that!
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

The Undertaker is walking! He walks up to Sergeant Slaughter, who's on a pay phone with me (but why is he calling me "Nicole?").
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

Slaughter juts his chin out - wait, he always looks like that.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

Here comes YOU KNOW WHO to try to at least bring the sound of pins dropping into the HSBC Arena.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

I'll lay odds that something awesome will be said in this segment - by me. Just kidding.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

"Let me tell you what I'm gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on me." Taker draws closer. "I'm'o beat you down like the bitch you are." WHOA THERE IT IS, SOMETHING AWESOME - man I love the Undertaker.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

You know, I may be a cold-heared, mean (mark) callous statement making bastard, but compare me to Jim Ross hyping "the episode where Lita broke her neck in three places" and tell me it's all that different. Hmm?
WWF RAW 29.4.2002

Stomp, stomp, man all that hard work Hogan did keeping his 'do rag just so and Taker just takes it off with one blow.
WWF RAW 29.4.2002




"When I feel depressed, I sit under a willow tree by a cool river, and imagine that I am strangling a duck." -- Kotaro Sarai
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Shelton sneaked in to pin Chavo while Rhyno was busy with Eddie outside. (edit: Clearly its bed-time.)
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