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The W - Guest Columns - 2/17's Very Special Satire
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 9 hours
AIM:  
#1 Posted on
Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm hurt and all. But, I'm going to do like all the great wrestlers do and WORK THROUGH MY INJURY~! Plus, I'm a total insomniac and plus I've got nothing better to do than shout obscenities at my printer and throw things. RAW Satire is like therapy for the soul.

Last Week: Vince McMahon pulled down his pants. Again. Eric Bischoff discovered the true meaning of Valentines Day when he was visited in the night by three ex-girlfriends . Oh, and that Steve Austin guy? Well, he was THERE, but he wasn’t THERE, you know?

(We open backstage…)

Triple H: I hope they like jobbing.
Stevie Richards: Hey, Hunter! I heard about you and Stephanie. Congrats.
HHH: Thanks, Stevie.
RVD: What about them?
SR: They got engaged.
Kane: Engaged? But I thought they were divorced and on different shows?
HHH: Uh…yeah…Uh…Stephanie’s coming over to RAW now that we’re reconciled.
The Chief: Not as far as I’ve heard. Hey, you aren’t exposing the business are you?
RVD: I think he is, The Chief.
HHH: Your mortal rules don’t apply to me! I’m making you all job to Tommy Dreamer. In a gauntlet match TONIGHT.
Tommy Dreamer: Uh…I can’t do that. I’ve got The Book. It’d be unfair for me to put myself over people unfairly.
HHH: You’ve got the book?! When did that happen.
TD: Right after you made me job to Batista.
HHH: Uhh…Damn. So, wait. You DON’T want to unfairly put yourself over people?
TD: No way!
HHH: What, are you from like, Mars or something?

BEWARE The Revenge of Stevie Richards!!!

(Opening Credits)

Rob Van Dam (w/ Kane) v. Lance Storm Action Figure (w/ William Regal)

I’ve always thought that the managing ranks needed a little more Kane. The crowd sits in stunned silence as Rob poses and the action figure lays unhelpfully on the mat. Five Star and it’s over! A post match brawl between Regal and Kane provides more excitement than a barrel full of rabid gummi worms.

Shawn Michaels is backstage bemoaning the loss of his luggage on the way to the arena to Jeff Hardy. OH NO! What has become of your “Prayer Warrior” T-Shirt? I guess that does explain the mixed “College Professor/Gay Bar Regular” signals he’s sending off. Eric Bischoff walks by to congratulate Jeff Hardy on hitting a spot last week, but Shawn isn’t having any of it. His luggage story is more important dammit!

(ads)

Eric Bischoff is out to the ring. He says that the all singing all dancing show was bumped because the boys were too busy watching “Joe Millionare” to learn their lines. That’s too bad. He re-instates The Chief to non-jobber status and promises to look into the redisappearance of The Warrant. Then Eric turns his attention to Steve Austin. Eric says that their gimmick match may have the stipulation that he can’t wrestle, but he’s sure as hell going to prove all the skeptics wrong. So he books himself in a match against J.R. J.R. is so shocked by this revelation that he stops writing his Internet column several weeks ago. He also books a match with Shawn Michaels and Jeff Hardy against Chrises Jericho and Tian and has 2/3 of the Dudley Boyz thrown out. Now we’ll see who the jobbers are.

(ads)

Stevie Richards is backstage feeling awesome about his revenge.

SR: Hey! Victoria did you see my revenge?
VT: Uh…No. Does it have anything to do with me?
SR: No…Say, why weren’t you there to help when I lost to Sergeant Slaughter last week?
VT: Didn’t you hear? I was conspicuous by my absense.
SR: Oh. Wait, huh?

Jazz enters

JZ: I’m only back for two reasons, to beat your punk ass and to take my man Stevie back.
VT: Oh, yeah? Well, you can have him.
SR: Don’t worry ladies, there’s enough Stevie to go around. Ladies? Geez, I should have stayed with Beulah. THERE was a good lay.

Tommy Dreamer enters and shakes his head.

SR: I’m jobbing to the Brawler on Heat, huh?

Tommy shakes his head.

Jacqueline and Molly v. Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) and Jazz

Umm…Oh boy? The crowd sits in stunned silence as there are no faces in this match except for Jackie, and she doesn’t count because they’re not in Texas. Jazz pins Jackie causing Teddy Long to go into fits of hysterics. D’Lo couldn’t be reached for comment because he got FIRED. BWAHAHAHA. See if they’re “Down with the Brown” in the Unemployment line!!! Oh man, I’ve got a million D’Lo getting fired jokes, but unfortunately they have nothing to do with this match.

Booker T stands by with…GOOD LORD! It’s Alexandra York. My computer says, “This Segment will Suck”.

(ads)

Booker T says that Goldust is getting better but he’s still worried. You know who doesn’t seem to be worried? His ex-wife. Typical.

Triple H is watching the interview with “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, Randy Orton, and Ric Flair. Tommy Dreamer enters.

TD: You’re losing to Booker T tonight Hunter.
HHH: I’m WHA?
RO: Oooo…There’s a new booker in town.
DD: By “booker” are you referring to Tommy Dreamer, the booker, or “Booker T.”
RO: Uh…Tommy, I guess.
RF: Whoo! I’m gonna take your mama on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN!!!

(ads)

D’Lo Brown…WAS FIRED!! Have fun in TNA jobbing to that guy with one leg, you jobber! Oh…Wait. He’s got a job with the WWE and you DON’T!! Poor D’Lo.

Al Snow v. Rodney Mac (w/ Teddy Long)

Teddy Long says that “The Man” is holding down black wrestlers. Unfortunately, I’ve seen marshmallows that were blacker than Rodney Mac. Tough Enough is over, so it is Al that gets cut.

Chris Jericho and Chris Tian are getting ready for a match against Shawn Michaels and Jeff Hardy. Beware the blown spot and the overzealous dancing!

(ads)

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. Shawn Michaels and Jeff Hardy

Realizing that there is no way that Shawn is going to job when he wrestles on RAW, Jericho hand cuffs him to the post while Shawn is dancing around on the outside. Jeff blows some spots and things aren’t looking so good, until, in a moment of crazy go nuts brilliance, Shawn uses a hair pin to unlock the handcuffs. Shawn always accessorizes. Two superkicks and a blown spot later and Jeff and Shawn are dancing around in joy of their win.

(ads)

Jericho whines and complains that he’s feuding with Test, Jeff Hardy AND Shawn Michaels, and STILL nobody loves him. Join us next week when Jericho starts a feud with Spike Dudley, Rico, the Cast of TV’s Family Matters, and a Parrot.

The Hurricane v. Christopher Nowinski

Oh, I get it! They’re feuding over who gets to have an “H” on their tights. Uh…The answer is “Hurricane”. Now Nowinski will have to graduate from another school.

The Chief is making fun of J.R. Eric Bischoff bemoans the lack of wrestling on the show, and then readies himself for his main event against one of the announcers.

(ads)

Three Minutes (w/ Rico) v. Spike Dudley

The Jobberness of Spike > The Jobberness of Three Minutes and Rico. Wow. I bet Rosie and Jamal hope they book this match EVERY week.

(ads)

Scott Steiner asks Alexandra what his chances of winning at the PPV are. The computer spits out the lyrics to “Happy Days”. Booker T comes in and tells Steiner that it's time for their match. Steiner dumps the chainmail. No cruiserweights tonight.

Triple H and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair and Randy Orton) v. Booker T and Scott Steiner

HHH and Batista start holding everyone down until Tommy Dreamer runs in and canes everyone. With Triple H knocked out, Booker runs over and pins him causing the crowd to erupt and banners and confetti to float down from the sky in celebration. Then everyone remembers that this was just a tag match and the next week’s parade is canceled. Shoot.

(ads)

Coach comes out and is sad to see his buddy Howler Monkey is missing.

Eric Bischoff shows off his mad skillz by breaking various fruits. All this needs is a sledgehammer. Where’s Triple H?

Jim Ross v. Eric Bischoff (w/ The Chief)

Eric’s mad ninja skillz are no match for J.R.’s “kinda stand there and throw an occasional punch”. Geez, this is JUST like Street Fighter. What would be REALLY cool is if The Chief suddenly shrunk two feet and turned green and grew orange hair all over. Instead Eric just breaks a cinderblock over J.R.’s head. Lawler comes running down for the save, but he’s intercepted by The Chief. Then Eric drinks beer. Where’s Stone Cold? Where?

Not there.

Next Week: Fall out from No Way Oot as Canada’s finest show up and cheer for Bret Hart. Test re-appears to complain that Torrie took his spot. And Steve Austin…Will be there. No, seriously. We PROMISE.

See YOU then.






RAW Satire 2/10
Buffy 7.14 gets a 7.10 WAY better than last week, and I like the Principal Wood character alot.
Promote this thread!
Gugs
Bierwurst








Since: 9.7.02
From: Sleep (That's where I'm a viking)

Since last post: 517 days
Last activity: 3 days
AIM:  
Y!:
#2 Posted on
The following post expresses the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He is biased, opinionated and bitter. You have been warned.

Holy crap. If you did this when you were hurt, I'd like to see what happens when you're 100%.

And, by the way, are we ever going to hear the D'Lo getting fired jokes?



The preceding post expressed the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He was biased, opinionated and bitter. You were warned.
socetew
Chourico








Since: 23.5.02
From: NYC, baby!

Since last post: 2868 days
Last activity: 2865 days
AIM:  
#3 Posted on
Wow, this had tons of funny spots!!!

I loved:

York foundation
down w/ brown jokes
h on pants battle

and many more!!!

you rock,
eocs



Hip hop meets philosophical commentary (plus free music samples!):

Elemental Wizardry online
gargs
Goetta








Since: 27.8.02
From: The OC

Since last post: 3943 days
Last activity: 3577 days
#4 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    HHH and Batista start holding everyone down until Tommy Dreamer runs in and canes everyone. With Triple H knocked out, Booker runs over and pins him causing the crowd to erupt and banners and confetti to float down from the sky in celebration.

    No Way Oot



hilarious



"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Go f *ck yourselves."

~Tom Hanks from Catch Me If You Can
Texas Kelly
Lap cheong








Since: 3.1.02
From: FOREST HILLS CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE

Since last post: 48 days
Last activity: 15 hours
ICQ:  
#5 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Jericho whines and complains that he?s feuding with Test, Jeff Hardy AND Shawn Michaels, and STILL nobody loves him. Join us next week when Jericho starts a feud with Spike Dudley, Rico, the Cast of TV?s Family Matters, and a Parrot.

I was DYING reading this line.

SAVE US, TOMMY DREAMER!!!
Great stuff as usual, Excalibur.



He's the King of the World... & You Just Live in It, Junior!
The following post has been certified necrophilia-free by the FET (Fire & Embarass Teo) Commission.
(Thanks to Alessandro for the idea!)

Parts Unknown
Lap cheong








Since: 2.1.02
From: Darkenwood

Since last post: 50 days
Last activity: 18 hours
#6 Posted on
I like how Morley is referred to as "The Chief." You should make him talk in little unintelligble bleeps and clicks.



"Also, don't incur the wrath of P.U. It can only lead to trouble." - Torchslasher
The Great Thomas
Sujuk








Since: 17.6.02
From: Miami, Florida

Since last post: 3376 days
Last activity: 3376 days
#7 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    With Triple H knocked out, Booker runs over and pins him causing the crowd to erupt and banners and confetti to float down from the sky in celebration.
The most hilarious thing I'll probably ever read.

...until next week at least.





From Left: Tony Schiavone, Vince Russo, Raven

ScreamingHeadGuy
Frankfurter








Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 748 days
Last activity: 748 days
#8 Posted on
Good stuff. It surely brings a ray of sunshine to an otherwise dull day.

Except I thought, initially, that Shawn and Jeff were talking about a friend...a friend named Jesus.

Hope you recover soon, 'cuz my need for humor is insatiable.

Oh, I guess D'Lo won't get a "classic comeback", huh?



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

Do you know where your Chainmail, +1 vs. Cruiserweights is?

Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 9 hours
AIM:  
#9 Posted on
Thank you all.

Typing with a hurt finger is fun, and I suggest you all try it. Well actually, I've discovered how easy it truly is to type with just nine. But enough about me. I'm glad you enjoyed the column.

Next week: Boxing gloves!



RAW Satire 2/17
Buffy 7.14 gets a 7.10 WAY better than last week, and I like the Principal Wood character alot.
gargs
Goetta








Since: 27.8.02
From: The OC

Since last post: 3943 days
Last activity: 3577 days
#10 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Thank you all.

    Typing with a hurt finger is fun, and I suggest you all try it. Well actually, I've discovered how easy it truly is to type with just nine. But enough about me. I'm glad you enjoyed the column.

    Next week: Boxing gloves!



hey....if Strong Bad can do it, surely you can too!



"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Go f *ck yourselves."

~Tom Hanks from Catch Me If You Can
sentonBOMB
Frankfurter








Since: 25.11.02
From: Jersey

Since last post: 1973 days
Last activity: 674 days
#11 Posted on

    Originally posted by gargs

      Originally posted by Excalibur05
      Thank you all.

      Typing with a hurt finger is fun, and I suggest you all try it. Well actually, I've discovered how easy it truly is to type with just nine. But enough about me. I'm glad you enjoyed the column.

      Next week: Boxing gloves!



    hey....if Strong Bad can do it, surely you can too!



speaking of which, wouldn't Raw be funnier if the Chief were replaced by the Cheat?
TheCow
Landjager








Since: 3.1.02
From: Knoxville, TN

Since last post: 2449 days
Last activity: 2449 days
AIM:  
Y!:
#12 Posted on
Only if he had to say "Douglas" at least 4 or 5 times a show.







Which Neglected Mario Character Are You?

Parts Unknown
Lap cheong








Since: 2.1.02
From: Darkenwood

Since last post: 50 days
Last activity: 18 hours
#13 Posted on

    Originally posted by sentonBOMB

      Originally posted by gargs

        Originally posted by Excalibur05
        Thank you all.

        Typing with a hurt finger is fun, and I suggest you all try it. Well actually, I've discovered how easy it truly is to type with just nine. But enough about me. I'm glad you enjoyed the column.

        Next week: Boxing gloves!



      hey....if Strong Bad can do it, surely you can too!



    speaking of which, wouldn't Raw be funnier if the Chief were replaced by the Cheat?



I believe that's the reference Excalibur is making.



"Also, don't incur the wrath of P.U. It can only lead to trouble." - Torchslasher
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 9 hours
AIM:  
#14 Posted on
Partially.

Actually, it's more "evolved" into that reference than anything else.

To tell the truth, the first few times I used the "The Chief" moniker, I was directly referencing the old PBS "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" TV show, where a woman known only as "The Chief" sat behind a desk and gave orders to the contestants on what they had to do in any particular segment of the show (kind of like I'd expected Morely to do, combinded with how they'd placed him as "Chief" Morely). That's where "The Warrant" came from (contestants had to find, in order, the loot, the warrant, and that week's criminal).

Unfortunately, that reference fell flat (maybe I'm the only one who watched that show), and besides, The Chief doesn't have a desk (though he DID have a door), and he's more Eric Bischoff is to Strong Bad as The Chief is to The Cheat now anyway.

As for him talking in beeps and mumbles? It's certainly a possibilty, though I'm having trouble getting over my original concepts. I'll probably put him in line for a gimmick change eventually.



RAW Satire 2/17
Buffy 7.15 gets a 8 The Kennedy tweener turn happened out of nowhere, but whatever. Mostly good stuff though.
thecubsfan
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 10.12.01
From: Aurora, IL

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 6 hours
#15 Posted on | Instant Rating: 10.00
You needed more vocal-only singing and easy world geography related trivia to truly make it work
Santa Sangre
Bockwurst








Since: 21.6.02
From: Germany

Since last post: 470 days
Last activity: 358 days
#16 Posted on
Damn, I usually get most of your refrences. I even watched Carmen Sandiego back in the day. But I had no clue what the whole warrant deal was til now. I guess I just haven't seen that show in about ten years. You, sir have the memory of an elephant.

Oh yeah, BEST.SATIRE.EVAR.



"We are the champions my friend..."
Jaguar
Knackwurst








Since: 23.1.02
From: Phoenix, AZ

Since last post: 198 days
Last activity: 198 days
#17 Posted on
Just so everyone knows: I knew exactly what Excalibur was talking about. Though I will admit that it took me a few minutes to put "The Chief" and "The Warrant" together in my mind. And at first I thought of the videogame, which I believe predated the show by many years.

-Jag

And Rock-a-pella were gods. Gods!



No matter how obvious the trap, you can't complete the game unless you fall into it.
emma
Cherries > Peaches








Since: 1.8.02
From: Phoenix-ish

Since last post: 36 days
Last activity: 1 day
#18 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    To tell the truth, the first few times I used the "The Chief" moniker, I was directly referencing the old PBS "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" TV show, where a woman known only as "The Chief" sat behind a desk and gave orders to the contestants on what they had to do in any particular segment of the show (kind of like I'd expected Morely to do, combinded with how they'd placed him as "Chief" Morely). That's where "The Warrant" came from (contestants had to find, in order, the loot, the warrant, and that week's criminal).

    Unfortunately, that reference fell flat (maybe I'm the only one who watched that show), [[...]]

If it makes you feel any better, at the first mention of The Warrant, I started humming "Where in the world is ..." Personally though, I'm still waiting for somebody to say "Sorry about that, Chief". (Or roll out the cone of silence -- either way.)
Gugs
Bierwurst








Since: 9.7.02
From: Sleep (That's where I'm a viking)

Since last post: 517 days
Last activity: 3 days
AIM:  
Y!:
#19 Posted on
The following post expresses the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He is biased, opinionated and bitter. You have been warned.

Before Morely gets his gimmick change, can we please see some bumbling fool blow him up with his own self-destructing message?

Please?



The preceding post expressed the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He was biased, opinionated and bitter. You were warned.
The Sham
Kolbasz








Since: 20.1.02
From: Hamden, CT

Since last post: 1725 days
Last activity: 1077 days
#20 Posted on
Yep, I always figured it was a Carmen Sandiego reference. I also watched that show and even took a contestant to the junior prom! ("My name is Kelly, but everyone calls me Tiger!")

(Her claim to fame was not why I took her, but looking back it was as good a reason as any)

I just can't wait for the Jericho v. Erkel match.



"Cram it with walnuts, ugly!"- Mr. Homer Simpson

"Nothing says 'bad ass' like beating up Randy Orton."- Matt Hocking, RAW SATIRE- January 21, 2003
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