The Funkadactyls Explode! Ariane is a Diva in the diva sense of the word. Trinity is more interested in, you know, wrestling. It's like oil and vinegar. And yet, their marriage works. But not this week. This week, Ariane's motor mouth and her abundant pride in winning a go-kart race between her, Trinity, Eva Marie and Jojo was finally the straw that broke the camel's back and tore the Funkadactyls apart! Name calling, yelling, shoving in public (Trinity shoved first, a detail that is semi-important) and soon, Trinity declares to Talent Relations that she no longer wants to work with Ariane. (As Total Divas tells it, Brodus Clay and Tensai, the male half of this unit, have no interest in resolving the tension between their dancing valets.)
The friction between the Funkadactyls was enough to involve Stephanie McMahon herself, who gave them a stern McMahon corporate talking-to about unprofessionalism. Neither of them are a *solid* B+ in Stephanie's eyes. But she gave them what they wanted: singles action on the WWE's B and C shows. Trinity was delighted to work with Alicia Fox but her delight and over-enthusiasm caused her to badly miscalculate a flying bodypress that E! presents as the single worst botch in the history of the five weeks E! has been covering WWE. Meanwhile, without saying it bluntly - as the watching Divas' facial expressions told the story - Ariane can't wrestle so well, and falls to the expert mat tactician that is Aksana.
Finally, the Funkadactyls saw the error of their ways and reconciled that together, they are stronger than they ever could be apart. (Until the day comes Trinity gets a solo push, then it's Girl-Bye to Ariane.) But for now, let us feel the warmth in our hearts that the Funkadactyls remain united. We never knew until now just how close we all came to losing the Funkadactyls forever.
Meanwhile, it's Natalya's birthday week and Nattie, as she said to the camera several times, wants "to celebrate me." Foiling her attempts to celebrate herself are the obstacles as follows:
1) WWE, her employers, who booked her to lose by pinfall in Calgary (Alberta, Canada) to the Bellas and cry about it on RAW. A moment I remember distinctly because I found it hilarious. Nattie was the latest victim of WWE's policy of embarrass their employees in their hometown.
2) Tyson "TJ" Kidd, Nattie's fiance, Calgary's biggest mama's boy, indifferent to Nattie's obvious and obviously stated dislike for his mother and family. TJ loves family, puts it above everything. He's the kind of guy who'll bail on his woman and leave her alone in her hotel so he can stay overnight on his mom's pullout couch. He's the kind of dreamboat loverboy who invites his mom and sister to romantic birthday dinners.
What's weird is that Nattie is in her hometown but doesn't seem to know anyone. Doesn't she have her own family and friends to spend time with and "celebrate her"? Total Divas says nay! Well, not entirely. Nattie does have one friend, another rooster in the henhouse, at it were. Jaret, her one time trainer and tanning salon friend who spray tanned Nattie (if you like Nattie in bikinis, this is the episode for you) and took her to a private romantic dinner, just him, Nattie, and the camera crew, in order to declare his love and make his play for her hart.
As for the Bellas, this is A Very Special Episode of Total Divas because we learn a lot about Nikki and Brie's lives growing up. Their addict father abandoned them when they were fifteen and their father figure was their late grandfather Pop-Pop (in the attic) whom the Bellas mourn. Nikki has no interest in a relationship with her father, but Brie's announcement that she's returning to their hometown of Brawley, California to see dear old dad caused Nikki to launch into Every Kind of Displeased Facial Expression Nikki Bella can make.
But it was a talk in the opulent CeMansion with John Cena that changed Nikki's mind to give her father a chance. I tell you now, WWE Universe, if the John Cena of Total Divas were the John Cena of regular WWE programming, no one would boo him. John Cena is a man's man, a great man. Patient, understanding, insightful, with a calm, soothing voice delivering just the right advice. As Zoidberg would say, "Such a man, he is!" Cena is so patient and amused as Nikki walks over to his framed photo of the WWII Allied Powers and fails completely to accurately name Stalin, Churchill and FDR. But more important than the cute butt Nikki just wants to bite, it's the (sometimes Chinese) words that come out of Cena's mouth that move Nikki the most.
And so it was that the Bellas and Brother Bella go to Brawley to meet with their estranged father. Honest words are exchanged, tears are shed, and the first steps to the Bellas reconciling with their father, who promises to do better, are taken. Heart. Warming.
TOTAL DIVAS REVELATION: Eva Marie and Jojo wear bronzer to work out, because "you never know who [will be there for them to hit on]." (Roman Reigns, in this case.)
(edited by John Orquiola on 26.8.13 1224) "Cody, I mustache you a question." - The Miz
I finally caught up on my Total Divas watching so I can finally comment on a thread and not be 3 weeks behind! Yay!
Let the timely commenting begin!
Trinity is the normal down-to-earth(1) one, Ariane is the stuck-up crazy one. Trinity can wrestle, Ariane can Sportz-Entertain. Got it.
Speaking of being down-to-earth(2), I was really rooting for Nattie to be the normalest Diva on the show, but Trinity's got that title all wrapped up. Who knew Nattie would be such a drama queen, what with all the passive-agressive "You said something I dont like, so I'm storming off" nonsense & whatnot? I hate that.
JoJo is crazy hott. Eva Marie is dead inside. Also, shout-out to JoJo's over-achieving ex-boyfriend Sebastian for being a total idiot. I dont care how seldom you get to see her, you dont look like him, have a girlfriend that looks like her, then break-up with her Brian Dunkleman! On TV no less! You aint NEVER coming close to something like that again, homeboy. I promise you.
Speaking of dumb-ass boyfriends, LOL @ Ariane's boyfriend Victor(?) for almost getting his ass WHOOPED by Broadus Clay a couple weeks ago. THAT'S what I wanted to see.
Speaking of Broadus Clay (and Sweet T), are they ever gonna make an appearance? Weird that we havent seen them yet.
Who knew JEY USO was such a drama queen?? His "your job > our relationship" rant was probably the biggest temper tantrum up to that point. Good Lord.
Speaking of drama queens, I know the show is about the ladies, but shout-out to Cena and Bryanson Danielson for being SO normal and SO down-to-earth(3) that there's almost no reason to ever feature them because they're never doing anything stupid enough to make it on the air!
Is Tyson "TJ" Kidd really THAT clueless or is that all for the show? And it it's the latter, why would any man intentionally protray themselves like that on TV?
Who am I leaving out? Oh yeah, the Bellas! I cant get over how much the shapes of their faces can change in and out of make-up. Weird. The rest of their shapes are all good though. Speaking of shapes, I finally know which one is a little thicker (BUT NOT FAT) and has fake boobs and is dumb because of soccer and is with John Cena, and which one is a little thinner and has real boobs and is with Bryan and is a little more down-to-earth(4). I can tell their faces apart now too, but I still dont know who is who based on their faces alone yet.
Originally posted by John Orquiolain order to declare his love and make his play for her hart.
Super E! moment of the episode: including a stereotypically chipper "Hello Ross!" bug over the top of Nikki's tear-stained monologue....just in case you were worried about tuning out during a real down moment, here's Ross Mathews, and he's making a Ross face!
JARET. What a goddamn weirdo. The latest in a long line of compellingly bizarre outside love interests. Speaking of which, was Eva Marie's engagement dropped?
Ariane and Nikki are the stars week in, week out. Ariane is amazing, an absolute superstar in all the best and worst ways. This is her Stacy Keibler on Dancing With The Stars moment of transcendence. She should seriously get her own spinoff, along with The Seba-chelor.
Originally posted by DJ FrostyFreezeIs Tyson "TJ" Kidd really THAT clueless or is that all for the show? And it it's the latter, why would any man intentionally protray themselves like that on TV?
E! is paying for an extravagant dream wedding. Teej is being a sport to make getting there interesting. I mean, why would he need a tuxedo for dinner at his sister's!
Nikki continues her face turn with the emotional family stuff and #actualtears, but she's still dumb baha. Chinese is literally like ... Chinese. John Cena is a real renaissance man. Historian, Chinese linguist, family counselor.
Incredible preview for next week with the teased Boy Bye. So excited for JoJustin (Gabriel, not me). More excited for JojOrton next season. Oh yes. It's true.
You insult Jaret but if E! teasers are true (and they always are): when Nattie is at her bachelorette party with strippers, who is she thinking of? JARET, bitch, he sprayed himself into her brain. They've dropped pretty much everything of Eva since her tango with Fandango.
Calgary? THAT'S WHERE I LIVE! I LIVE IN CALGARY! YAYYYYY!
I've eaten at China Rose, used to work a couple buildings away. Never eaten at Trib though- I tried to when Raw was in Calgary but apparently some asshole booked half the restaurant so he could make what was technically a move on an engaged woman.
That better be some beach wedding E! is paying for if TJ is going to ask that much of an idiot/pussy. Pretty sure Nattie tweeted about going out to dinner with Bret & the family on birthday night. Poor Bret Hart gets no Appreciation from E!. The Hart family has literally a billion people in it, but even if they were normal sized it still doesn't seem believable for someone to have nobody in her hometown (besides her fiance and his family) to eat with. Speaking in kayfabe, TJ (kayfabe for Total Divas ironically involves using their real names) does have a point- you're on the road 95% of the time in towns you don't know anyone, when you're home you take advantage and spent time with family. Have a fancy belated (or in advance if you're a real romantic like Cena) birthday dinner for two when your family is in another municipality.
This episode needed more Daniel Bryan...or any. I didn't think anything could make woman want Cena more, but damn does he look great on this show. Fuck, I wanna date him at this point.
Looking forward to next week (ok not really) and the debut of BOY-BYE. I also hope AJ tells us what's in the back of her head and recaps the show again.
I was so concerned about a potential Jojo/Orton relationship that I took to Wikipedia to see if it said anything. There is no mention of Orton although it does point out that Jojo Offerman is the daughter of former Los Angeles Dodgers infielder Jose Offerman.
Originally posted by QuezzyI was so concerned about a potential Jojo/Orton relationship that I took to Wikipedia to see if it said anything. There is no mention of Orton although it does point out that Jojo Offerman is the daughter of former Los Angeles Dodgers infielder Jose Offerman.
Wow. I didn't realize that. Of course, I consider him a former Red Sox, though he played with several teams.
Things could get interesting if she displays any of the temper he's shown. Like charging pitchers with a bat and punching out an umpire.
I know I say this ALOT, but when (or if...) Heyman comes back, he needs to be super-dicked out rudo heel Paul E. Dangerously, and form a new Deadly Alliance. You've got everyone you need. Brock, Eddy, Rhyno (or MH v.1 if Rhyno and Eddy have issues)