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23.11.14 1134
The W - Pro Wrestling - 1x4 - "The 'Fat' Twin"
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John Orquiola
Scrapple








Since: 28.2.02
From: Boston

Since last post: 147 days
Last activity: 147 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.17
A gross injustice occurred at the 10pm hour on Sunday night: mean, rude people on social media called Nikki Bella fat. And it hurt her feelings. Let's get this out of the way: Nikki Bella is the farthest thing from fat. Just looking at her trying on sexy lingerie for John Cena confirms that she is in phenomenal shape. (And way, way too proud of her boobs, which get more air time and discussion than Eva Marie or Jojo this week.)

With this (wwe.com) Summerslam promotional beach photoshoot looming, Brie is concerned that with Nikki's increasingly different body type, the Bella Twins are no longer identical twins. Of course, that ship sailed when Nikki embiggened her chest, which she strongly encourages Brie to do. Brie's answer (which Bryan Danielson mocked her for because it means no pancakes for brunch) is to go on a juice cleanse for 20 days, and she ropes Nikki into it as well. Nikki lasted maybe a day before the call of muffins and wine (which has antioxidants so she doesn't consider it alcohol) was too much. Brie and Nikki settled their issues and no, Nikki Bella is not fat. (She's no Mickie James, that's for sure.)

Meanwhile, embiggening chests is all that's on Ariane's mind. Dragging Trinity and Jon Uso to LA to help her with this momentous decision (with special guest appearance by Vincent, who was like, licking the armrest of the couch or something), Ariane visited a famous Hollywood boob surgeon. The Funkadactyls are concerned that a breast enhancement would impede Ariane's ability to wrestle for up to two months, because if Superstars or Main Event suddenly need a Divas tag match to fill in one of its segments, that means they're screwed. I love how worried the undercarders who hardly get TV time get when faced with the threat of getting even less TV time. It's a cutthroat business.

Kind of like those old high school home ec assignments where you had to carry and egg around and pretend it's a baby you're taking care of, Ariane took two saline implants home to test out what it feels like to have breast implants. She wore them in her tops everywhere, including to the pool where Trinity mocked Jon for enjoying the California lifestyle too much. Trinity asked Sandra in wardrobe to sew the implants into the top of her ring gear, but the fiendish, devilish Bella Twins decided to rib Ariane and stole one of the implants! (John Cena strongly disapproved, because it violates the third tenet of the Cenation - not Hustle or Loyalty - and also BE A STAR, NIKKI!) A panicked Ariane had to stuff toilet paper in the deflated boob and went out there and danced at ringside and absolutely no one ever noticed because who's ever really paying attention to Cameron of the Funkadactyls?

In the end, the Bellas copped to their rib and Ariane can't be mad but swore vengeance on Nikki, as per the rules of backstage lest the Bellas and the Funkadactyls ever get called to appear before the Undertaker at Wrestler's Court, which would probably be the best episode of Total Divas ever if that happened.

As for Natalya, her relationship with TJ, aka Tyson Kidd, was the third major storyline. Nattie needs love, tender lovin'. She needs a pink and black attack. TJ, since being injured, spends all his time sitting on the couch watching WWE, playing with the cat, and ignoring her. Even when she's prancing around in sexy lingerie, he can't take his eyes off Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield. TJ surprises Nattie with a secret car ride to the skeevy neighborhoods of Tampa and springs a surprise wedding at the courthouse on her. Hilarious. He is totally incredulous when Nattie loses her shit over this and why he would think this is what she wants from him. It's totally hackneyed, played for the camera, BS, but TJ playing dumb was good for a chuckle. Later on, TJ makes up for it by surprising her on her return from the road with Stereotypical Romantic Shit like candles, rose petals, chocolate covered strawberries and whatnot, which is all Nattie ever wanted, let's get married (on a future episode of Total Divas).

TOTAL DIVAS REVELATION: Nikki Bella is (not) fat.



"Cody, I mustache you a question." - The Miz
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JustinShapiro
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 12.12.01
From: Pittsburgh, PA

Since last post: 6 days
Last activity: 41 min.
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.79
Loved this one. Ariane is so good at this. She's, well, a natural. Vincent is scuzzy as hell.

ARIANE CATCHPHRASE REPORT
thebomb.com: appears
girl bye: does not appear
chingle chingle in our pockets: to be monitored

"Like one, did you have to use that many O's." ahahahaha. Love Nikki's depiction as a gluttonous lioness, all id, scarfing deserts and alcohol 24/7. To be fair, wine is not a full alcohol because it has antioxidants. We thought it was Layla, we thought it was Tiff, but as it turns out, she's insatiable.

"What you girls doing? Watching wrestling?" John Cena as the moral conscience of Total Divas, an Atticus Finch for our day.

Love TJ as the layabout Andy Dwyer from season 1 Parks & Rec.

Kind of a poignant ending with all the ladies bonding over the struggles of being a woman in patriarchal society.
Moss
Summer sausage








Since: 23.9.10
From: Calgary, AB

Since last post: 40 days
Last activity: 24 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.07
SHENANIGANS! Total Divas claimed Raw was happening at the PNC Arena which is in Raleigh, North Carolina. However most, if not all, of the backstage footage was clearly from the Saddledome in Calgary...that's Alberta, Canada. You can tell by the names of Flames guys, the Hitmen logo, etc. BUT...some of the footage was not from that show as Hell No faced Rollins & Reigns, not Ambrose. Pretty sure Dean never got physically involved in that match. Some of the crowd footage was from Calgary as I recognized some of the signs (TABER CORN). The Tons of Funk match was from Calgary, but the arena setup was not (BLUE seats??? BLUE SEATS? C of Red, bitch).

Will have to review the show to see if I can spot the tissue paper. She literally walked right by me after that match and I didn't notice, not that I was looking though.

REALITY TV LIES. E! HATES CANADA!!



BORK LASER PLS
oudom
Summer sausage








Since: 12.1.12

Since last post: 5 days
Last activity: 1 day
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.88
That boob doctor scene was hilarious. The girl who works there just drops her top like nothing and have everyone look and feel her boob job. Trinity goes and grab Jon from the waiting room so he can feel them and that was like such a trap. "This is your one pass... enjoy." I wouldn't have done it, especially with them fighting over commitment and such.

And Tyson Kidd ignoring Nattie to watch wrestling. "Do I have to dress up as Daniel Bryan to get his attention?" lol

(edited by oudom on 20.8.13 1243)
GodEatGod
Boudin rouge








Since: 28.2.02

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 11 hours
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.87
The show is actually starting to work better, as it realizes that it has to just be another E! show about girls who happen to work in wrestling. WWE just needs to keep their paws off and let the sleaze merchant at the Exclamation Point do their work. They have a formula and it works just fine, ask any Kardashian (even Rob, although, let's be honest, no one talks to Rob).

I find it fascinating watching to see who swims and who drowns in this setting. Cena and Bryan both work well, and Jon Uso is doing better, but "TJ"...not so much.

This episode did serve to make me like Nikki more. They've portrayed her as a spoiled bitch up until now, but here she also seemed a little more fun-loving and less uptight than her sister (whose juice cleanse obsession was a LITTLE freaky - stay out of your sister's bowels, Brie). While the conflict was obviously manufactured, well...wrestling fans can't really complain about pre-determined outcomes and manufactured drama...can they?!?





"Never piss off a hawk with a blowgun" - Conan O'Brien
Greymarch
Boerewors








Since: 24.2.03
From: Toronto, Canada

Since last post: 8 days
Last activity: 4 hours
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.27
    Originally posted by GodEatGod
    While the conflict was obviously manufactured, well...wrestling fans can't really complain about pre-determined outcomes and manufactured drama...can they?!?




It's like the reality television show audience made in heaven really.
dwaters
Lap cheong








Since: 16.10.02
From: Connecticut

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 2 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.48
I will now confess to being hooked on this show.

It's like someone said- it's like reality Inception- a guilty pleasure (reality) within a guilty pleasure (wrestling).

It must be the backstage stuff at shows I love seeing. I am confused about why we are calling the Funkadactyls by their real names, but Johnny Curtis must be Fandango. Also not sure about learning they go through "dress rehearsals" before shows, though I guess I already kinda knew.

One thing that drives me NUTS about these shows is the unnecessary narration. "Brie and I decided to go shopping for shoes" as we see them shopping for shoes. We can figure that out!!! It's such overkill.
Spiraling_Shape
Bratwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: PA

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 3 hours
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.74
    Originally posted by dwaters
    It must be the backstage stuff at shows I love seeing. I am confused about why we are calling the Funkadactyls by their real names, but Johnny Curtis must be Fandango.


And don't forget, "Bryan Danielson - WWE Superstar/Brie's Boyfriend."
Greymarch
Boerewors








Since: 24.2.03
From: Toronto, Canada

Since last post: 8 days
Last activity: 4 hours
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.27
    Originally posted by dwaters
    I will now confess to being hooked on this show.

    It's like someone said- it's like reality Inception- a guilty pleasure (reality) within a guilty pleasure (wrestling).

    It must be the backstage stuff at shows I love seeing. I am confused about why we are calling the Funkadactyls by their real names, but Johnny Curtis must be Fandango. Also not sure about learning they go through "dress rehearsals" before shows, though I guess I already kinda knew.

    One thing that drives me NUTS about these shows is the unnecessary narration. "Brie and I decided to go shopping for shoes" as we see them shopping for shoes. We can figure that out!!! It's such overkill.


Perhaps Johnny Curtis has just gone all-in and refers to himself as Fandango now.
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It's amazing how we can go from talking about Stacy to talking about homosexuality. Unless, there's something Test doesn't know? In which case, let's add to the fantasy of another thread and imagine a Trish/Stacy/Lillian 3-way.
- DarrylTheHitman, Shock of the Night (2002)
Related threads: 1x3 - "Planet Funk is Funked Up" - 1x2 - "A Tango With Fandango" - 1x1 "Welcome to the WWE" 7/28/13 - More...
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