The W
Views: 95557692
Main | FAQ | Search: Y! / G | Calendar | Color chart | Log in for more!
16.4.14 2009
The W - Guest Columns - 1..2..RAW Satire! (7/21/03)
This thread has 21 referrals leading to it
Register and log in to post!
Pages: 1(569 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
User
Post (15 total)
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 43 min.
AIM:  
#1 Posted on
Last Week: Jim Ross figures to need a lot less Kane in the future. Austinberg was threatened with a good being fired by both Eric Bischoff and Chris Jericho. Somebody wake up Shawn Michaels, quick! He has a match TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, speaking of Easy-E, old Eric is in the ring. He’s wearing a suitcoat over his leather jacket tonight for his big date with Linda! Oh boy! Wait…Where’s Theme From WrestleMania! They can’t be bothering to give LINDA new music, can they? Holy crap! Shouldn’t it be a generic rock song with some Motorhead lyrics?

“Unnngh…Here’s Linda!
She’s the CEO!
Lindaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
She’s the queen ho!”

Awesome. I’m the new Jimmy Hart. Anyway, here’s Linda who is out with flowers for Eric. Aw. Such a cute couple. Wait, if she has a new song and a video package, does that mean she’s going to be a regular character? Oh boy! It’ll be like the return of Yeti! I loved Yeti. Linda is about to tell Eric that she just wants to be friends, but here’s Stone Man Still Austinberg. Austinberg is about to Stunner Eric, when Linda steps in.

LM: Austinberg, you can’t go around here stunnering everybody.
AB: What? I don’t understand your kooky deadpan style.
LM: I am the most entertaining of the McMahons, Still.
AB: Well, yeah…but…
EB: But nothing, let’s go baby.
LM: Austinberg, I’m afraid the WWE Board of Directors has decided that if you continue to attack people, especially Kane, you’ll have to split up.
EB: That’d be AWESOME!
AB: But, beating up Kane is SO much fun.
LM: I know. Back when he was Isaac Yankem, we’d have him swing by the McMansion and hit him with sticks for a few hours. But you’ll have to stop it, or you’ll be fired.
EB: Alright! Let’s go back to the hotel!
AB: But, I have matches!
LM: Only in matches then. Now both of you take the night off. Eric, you especially. You really creep me out. Besides, everybody knows about my elicit love affair with Brock.

Brock is at the top for the ramp.

BL: Here comes the PAIN, Linda.
LM: In a minute, dear. Now. Everybody out of the ring. I’m bemoaning the lack of wrestling on this show.

This show needs ADS, baby, ADS! SOMEBODY has to pay for Linda’s new theme music. I miss “Oh! Oh! Wrestlemania!” already.

(ads)

Hey! It’s the guys from UPN’S “The Mullets”, there is nothing I care about less than this.

Molly Holly and Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) v. Gail Kim and Trish Stratus

Wait…I lied. THIS I care less about. Stevie is absolutely THRILLED that he made it onto RAW. Molly has boobies. So does everybody else in this match. Including Stevie. Gail Kim is so bored with this match that she falls asleep whilst running up the ropes. Oops. Molly covers up the spot by yelling, “You screwed up a spot you stupid, ho! I should have the women’s title, not some girl who can’t even run up the ropes.” Gail gets all sad, and Victoria rolls her up. Best part of the match was Stevie’s fuzzy hat. Fuzzy fuzzy hat.

The Latest WWE.Com poll! I LOVE these! This week’s question: Should J.R. press charges against Kane? Yes. No. Maybe. The bastard deserved it. Well, that’s a little harsh.

(ads)

Here’s Terri who says that sometimes before the end of RAW, Kane will be wandering by this camera and she’ll be there! Hey! It’s Chris Jericho who does a little dance as he wanders by. He’s got a match with the dancin’ prayer warrior, Shawn Michaels later, you know. Then Austinberg and Bischoff wander by and complain about being sent home by Linda McMahon. Eric invites Austinberg to help him waste his dinner reservations at Rainbow’s Bar and Strip. Austinberg wisely shys away. Lots of wandering here and nothing going on. I love this segment.

Here’s the Evolution theme, now made a generic rock song with lyrics by Lemmy. Wonderful:

“Unnnng…He’s the Game
And there’s Triple Naitch!
Randy Orton is Lame!
The winner is Triple H!”

Good times. Good times. Randy Orton tries very hard to be relevant, but he fails. So here’s Triple Naitch:

TN: WOOO! I took your old lady to star with me in Disney’s new production of Space Mountain, fat boy!
HHH: You’re still the man, Naitch.
RO: But I beat up, Mick Foley! And the Dudleyz! I win! ME!
HHH: Are you still here?
RO: *sigh* Yeah. But only because I have a match. Right after the ad break.

(ads)

Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair) v. Val Venis

Oh, Legend Killer Randy Orton will really get over with this win over Val Venis. Oh, yeah! Wait. No. Hunter is on commentary, and he’s talking about holding down Randy Orton by talking about himself during the match. That’s a pretty neat job there, Hunter. Orton stands around for a while, and Val falls over. “That’s his move!” says HHH. He’s better than Coach.

Triple H comes down and tells Orton to put a shirt on before Naitch starts grabbin’ boobies. HHH points out the Evolution slogan “Game. Lame. Wooo!” That’s great.

HHH: Now, you know. I know there’s nobody out there who can best me in a wrestling match. Nope. Nobody at all. In fact if somebody were to come down right now, it wouldn’t be somebody who could beat me. Nope. So…let’s check the weather. 85 and sunny…Uh…today in sports…

Here’s Austinberg! HHH is mad that somebody interupted his rambling.

AB: Hey! Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Sorry I’m late, but I was Spearing The Rock!
HHH: I told everybody not to call me by my real name anymore! ARG!
AB: Yeah, well. You’re next. Now give me a beer.
HHH: Oh yeah? Well, let’s touch noses.
AB: Oh, shoot. I can’t, or else Linda will fire me.
HHH: Well…uh…wanna make out?
AB: Nah. But we could have a match some time.
HHH: Yeah…that’ll be nice. I guess.

Poor HHH.

(ads)

Backstage, the Evolution is chatting.

HHH4Life: Sry, dudz! Stoopid AOL keeps cutting I!
WoO74: HOW DO YOU TALK ON THIS THING?
Gr8LukingGRLR0: U cn beet Austenburg!!! I belive in u!!
HHH4Life: Thanx!!!~! UR Hot!
Gr8LukingGRLR0: OMG! That r0x0rz of U!
HHH4Life: I’m logging off.
WoO74: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
HHH4Life has logged off.
Gr8LukingGRLR0: a/s/l?
WoO74: 19/M/L.A.
Gr8LukingGRLR0: OMG! 18/f/L.A.
WoO74: WANA CYBER?

Let’s leave that one alone, shall we? Hey! Look! Chris Jericho!

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn doesn’t get his extra pyro tonight. I guess Kane killing off office staff didn’t save them enough money. Coach says that only cool people know what bling bling is. Too easy. Ric Flair comes out halfway through the match, so I guess they’re done chatting. Randy must be a skilled chatter. Shawn tries for the Superkick but the ad break blocks it! OH! Heel turn by the ad break!

(ads)

Lawler appologizes for the dastardly actions of the heel break, but promises that the live crowd was bored to death by a rest hold during the break, so we didn’t miss anything. This is anything but Crazy Go Nuts. Shawn gets a Superkick in under the ad break, but when Randy Orton runs down, he feels compelled to fall over. He does! Jericho gets him in the Walls of Jericho and gets the biggest win of his career! Shawn Michaels jobs! Next week: Chris Jericho jobs to Maven! Maven gets his heat back from that loss when Jericho was Undisputed Champion!

(ads)

Lance Storm Cubed thinks that a movie about triplets who help insomniacs would be a great idea for a movie. He passes the script on to Rob Reiner. It will star Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, and Tom Hanks as wacky misunderstood wrestling triplets with hearts of gold. Coming next Spring! From WWE Films. Hahahahahaha…WWE Films is a front for a money laundering scheme, silly Reiner.

Hey! The Rock is backstage to come out and make his big appearance. Wait…here’s Kane. WWE Films needs more Kane. He’s wearing shackles, but that doesn’t stop him from killing The Rock. Neither do any of his police guards. I guess nobody loves The Rock anymore. Oh no! The People’s Crotch!

(ads)

Terri, Ivory, and the APA went to the Middle East to “entertain” the troops. I get how Terri, and Ivory, and even Bradshaw can “entertain”, but…what is Ron Simmons doing there? Nobody is invited to the APA invitational.

Test v. Booker T.
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

But, Test isn’t Chris Tian! I don’t get it. Wait. Chris Tian is watching on a monitor in the back. He’s the only guy who does that. Scott Steiner comes out with My Darling Stacy to give us a better view of Stacy’s ass. Thanks, Scott! Test is bowing to the power of the ass, and Booker rolls him up. Booker retains! The Ass is the most over face on the roster. Even more over than John Cena. I guess Coach Nash was unavailable for comment?

WWE.Com POLL: Should J.R. sue? In the lead is “The Bastard deserved it”. One vote for “He should sue that bastard Austinberg! I’ll get you yet Austinberg! If it’s the last thing I dooooooo!”

Rob Van Dam is backstage. Wow.

(ads)

Hey! It’s the Faces the greatest and best of the roster who will never wrestle on RAW. The Hurricane is among them.

TH: Why am I with these jobbers, Rosie? I beat The Rock.
RS: I don’t know, man. I belong here.
TH: Nah, man. Fat Samoans are coming back. Ask Rikishi. Hey! Let’s make you into a superhero!! Then we can end my partner search!
RS: Well…This idea sounds stupid, but I’ve got nothing better to do. So, whatever.
TH: What kind of hero should you be? Do you have powers?
RS: I’m fat.
TH: That’s great. Uh…Fat Retro Jersey Boy!

Hey! It’s Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks back from his tour of Asia!

GD: I’ve got a great idea! You can be the Fat Ugly Crustacean Krusader.

See, now that doesn’t even make sense. Why would he want to be the…oh. Teehee. Like Aquaman.

Hey! Kane sure is taking his sweet time to get to the friggin’ ring.

(ads)

Kane v. Rob Van Dam

Well, I shouldn’t even bother to do that, because the match never happens. Rob runs out, and a fan throws a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos, and Rob says “Finally!” and leaves. So Kane just kind of stalks around for a while, disappointed that he won’t get to win a match now, until Arn Anderson and Johnny Ace come out to appease him. 1..2...Johnny Ace! Just kidding, CRZ, Johnny Ace jobbed. But Kane thirsts for more of himself, and he pulls Linda McMahon out of her little hiding spot behind the curtains (where she hides so that she can whip the wrestlers with wet towels after matches), and hits her with a Tombstone. Zombie sit up by Linda! Linda cannot be harmed! Kane freaks out! We’re out of time!

Next Week: Linda and Kane have a forty minute Zombie Match. Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair will log on and find love! With each other!! Finally, we get an answer: Austinberg and HHH at Summerslam, or not? The world kinda sorta doesn’t care.




Feh.
Promote this thread!
Ubermonkeys
Frankfurter








Since: 2.1.02
From: Michigan

Since last post: 3329 days
Last activity: 3203 days
AIM:  
#2 Posted on
I was all set to love

“Unnngh…Here’s Linda!
She’s the CEO!
Lindaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
She’s the queen ho!”


but then

“Unnnng…He’s the Game
And there’s Triple Naitch!
Randy Orton is Lame!
The winner is Triple H!”


happened and kicked Linda's song's ass.


Good times. Good times.



That Satan's a good guy. He shares his Skittles.

tomvejada
Andouille








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 3884 days
Last activity: 3884 days
#3 Posted on
Another hilarious satire. Highlights included Linda's theme, Evolution's theme, and the heel ad break.

Keep up the good work.



"Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, 'Oooooo!'" Peter Griffin
"Peter, those are Cheerios." Brian
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 356 days
Last activity: 355 days
ICQ:  
#4 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05

    Backstage, the Evolution is chatting.

    HHH4Life: Sry, dudz! Stoopid AOL keeps cutting I!
    WoO74: HOW DO YOU TALK ON THIS THING?
    Gr8LukingGRLR0: U cn beet Austenburg!!! I belive in u!!
    HHH4Life: Thanx!!!~! UR Hot!
    Gr8LukingGRLR0: OMG! That r0x0rz of U!
    HHH4Life: I’m logging off.
    WoO74: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
    HHH4Life has logged off.
    Gr8LukingGRLR0: a/s/l?
    WoO74: 19/M/L.A.
    Gr8LukingGRLR0: OMG! 18/f/L.A.
    WoO74: WANA CYBER?




Bloody brilliant! It's funny because it's true....



The REAL Trish Stratus interview? A Scott Keith fan club? Plus the latest in hair care products in the newest Inside The Ropes!
spf
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 5 days
Last activity: 4 hours
AIM:  
#5 Posted on
The short but brilliant Brock Lesnar cameo made my morning complete. We can but lament the fact that there is no Smackdown Satire with Brock and his crazy friend Kurt.



She was worth 800 miles driving to see her play - Brenda Weiler

blogforamerica.com
whatever
Lap cheong








Since: 12.2.02
From: Cleveland, Ohio

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 14 min.
#6 Posted on
"HHH points out the Evolution slogan “Game. Lame. Wooo!” That’s great."

I like this slogan FAR better than the one they are using.

Simply awesome report this week! The Evolution chat was fantastic as well. You're on quite the quality tear of Satires the past few weeks! I think it's due to the additional Kane.




I drove the Hummer. Sorry 'bout that.
socetew
Chourico








Since: 23.5.02
From: NYC, baby!

Since last post: 2679 days
Last activity: 2676 days
AIM:  
#7 Posted on
Wow, that was funny!! I can now join the slew of "I shouldn't be reading this at work because it makes me laugh out loud, and then I feel like a dick because my co-workers could hear me having fun, and then they'll know that I'm not doing my job, alas" people.

I had to fight back laughter for:

* beating up isaac yankem w/ a stick

* chatting session

* ad break heel turn... OMG, no! I hope we get an explanation next week.

* Oh, and:

> Shouldn’t it be a generic rock song with some Motorhead lyrics?


word up.

1Love,
soce, the elemental wizard



A la la la la, I can't hear you.
It's False
Scrapple








Since: 20.6.02
From: I am the Tag Team Champions!

Since last post: 5 days
Last activity: 6 hours
#8 Posted on
Why did I nearly fall off my chair when I ran across the word "McMansion"?

Brilliant stuff!




Why are these two men unemployed???
ScreamingHeadGuy
Frankfurter








Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 559 days
Last activity: 559 days
#9 Posted on
The Evolution stuff backstage was great fun.

We needed more Kane.



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

uberlou
Merguez








Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, Cali

Since last post: 1428 days
Last activity: 1199 days
AIM:  
#10 Posted on
From the theme songs, to beating Isaac Yankem with a stick, the Brock cameo, the chat, Game. Lame. Wooo! and so on, it all rocked.

this'll go down for sure as one of my top favorite satires.





JST
Liverwurst








Since: 20.1.02
From: Quebec City, CAN

Since last post: 99 days
Last activity: 12 hours
#11 Posted on
I liked the visual of Linda snapping wrestlers on the ass with a wet towel.



Net Hack Slasher
Banger








Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 3400 days
Last activity: 1820 days
#12 Posted on
First off Wrestlemania theme can disappear as quickly as Nathon Jones did, Linda's new amazing Euro-Techno rave beats is the ever. Pass the E I tell you.

Great backstage chatroom chat by Evolution. Gr8LukingGRLR0 reminds me when I accidently went into a Hardyfan chat room. OMG!!! ItZ So Tru!!! =) =) =) =)

-Lawler appologizes for the dastardly actions of the heel break, but promises that the live crowd was bored to death by a rest hold during the break, so we didn’t miss anything. This is anything but Crazy Go Nuts. Shawn gets a Superkick in under the ad break

That would make US feel a little better for the ad break decision.

LoL at Rosey saying his superpower is fatness =)




cause there's limits to our liberties.
'Least I hope and pray that there are,
cause those liberal freaks go too far.

I'll crush all opposition to me
And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay
If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay
BigDaddyLoco
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 11 hours
Last activity: 7 hours
#13 Posted on
Hey, throw a fart and dick joke in there and you will have the whole second grade class rolling in the aisles.



Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 43 min.
AIM:  
#14 Posted on

    Originally posted by BigDaddyLoco
    Hey, throw a fart and dick joke in there and you will have the whole second grade class rolling in the aisles.


Maybe next week Randy Orton will fart, and then HHH will tell him to suck Triple Naitch's dick. Of course that would be pretty stupid don't you think?

Of course I don't need to swear or express my love for Chris Benoit to be funny like DEAN. Right? RIGHT? Or whatever, DEAN's ok by me.

Hey, if it's not your bag that's cool, but there's no need to be petty.



Feh.
deadbeater3
Chipolata








Since: 17.11.02

Since last post: 3775 days
Last activity: 3683 days
#15 Posted on
Why do we have these 'columnists' continually pising on women's wrestling??? Jeez! And we wonder why The WWE hates the Internet.



The divas should not be about T&A, they should be about Kicking A.
Pages: 1Thread ahead: NWA TNA: July 23, 2003
Next thread: Inside The Ropes - EXCLUSIVE WrestleMania XXX Predictions!!!
Previous thread: The Dames' Diatribe on NWA:TNA for July 23rd, 2003
(569 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
From Shane spitting when he talks to Jagged elbowdropping random objects in the ring; I now mark for 2.0.
The W - Guest Columns - 1..2..RAW Satire! (7/21/03)Register and log in to post!

The W™ message board

ZimBoard
©2001-2014 Brothers Zim

This old hunk of junk rendered your page in 0.088 seconds.