Weeeeeelllllll, lessee..... We had a baby boy three weeks ago, I had to work late 2 weeks ago, last week was the 4th of July. And in that time, Vince Russo's shitheaded idea of wrestling has left the WWE and has infected the NWATNA- so all is right in the house of Rasmussen and I am comepletely content to stay on my neverending QUEST to watch Smackdown despite having 30 hours of Brand New Joshi to my right and a Joshi 100 update looming ahead at Aug 1, oh-too.
WHAT WORKED - Edge and Hogan should have come out together during the intros. It makes Edge look like a punk. Billy and Chuck come out together and I await coming with them as the hot male ass is sure to ensue... wait. As for the actual match, Hogan and Edge are a good team. Billy and Chuck bump like fucking freaks for them. Hogan IS knowledgable of the Old School and knows how to get the crowd behind Edge as face in peril. Hogan is fucking great at distracting the ref as Chuck has a decent amount of offense to get the crowd riled up. Hogan is aghast and Edge has FIGHTING SPIRIT~! as this is perfect Southern tag wrestling. Chuck is fucking Gene Anderson cutting off Edge from his comeback. The crowd is fucking molten as they tease the tag and they pop like monkeys when Hogan tags in. Hogan's offense is supercomical when he gets in, but he was so perfect in his role that I could overlook it. It would have been SUPER Old School if they would have had a heat segment on Billy at the beginning and they gave it ten more minutes- with the faces showing Non-Face A-fire offense- like every tagmatch did back before the RnR Xpress morphed the Southern tag style into what it is now. Shit, they should have gone super long. This match could have gone 45 minutes and the crowd would have stayed with it. Hogan and Edge are a great tag team so far.
- Fit Finlay should get an academy award for acting like he wouldn't beat Undertaker's ass in 43 seconds for giving him any lip. The rest was drawn out and stupid.
- My reception was blurry because I don't have cable. Anyway, Molly had a really good match with Gunner Nelson. Gunner was working kinda stiff for an aging hairmetal guy and he REALLY worked on that upper body. This was pretty good for a mixed match. Hell, Molly can powerbomb me all night if I can get next to THAT sweet ass.
- Bautista and D-Von vs Orton and Henry was perfectly fine wrestling. Orton was fucking great- bumping like a complete idiot. Bautista looked good for some of this, but he misses his Elbow Drop- so who could be sure. His punches suck but his bump to the corner was the equalizer. The toprope flying Crossbody by Orton was really beautiful- making an old worn out move all new and fun again- like Crazy Max using the dropkick to the face to make the Giant Swing a fun move in the Modern Age of Wrestling. Bautista's finisher sucks ass.
- My heart was warmed by Hogan, Edge and the Rock making with the good-natured ribbing. If they keep Edge genuine in his hero-worship and keep the belts on them, I could see Edge being suddenly deeply elevated. Okay, now how about some blood....
- Evil angry Canadians ALWAYS works for me. I've been up there. Most of the Canadians I know buy you beer and share their high quality weed with you and want to know your American views on things. We walk to the outside cafes and drink Speckled Hen and Guinness. We talk of rock and beer and wrestling and love and life and politics and the future and how they are the same and how they are different at two different latitudes. There is enough difference between the two of us to make each of us fascinated by the other, but enough in common to make a strong bond. Americans and Canadians are brothers and we couldn't truly hate each other if we tried. So evil Canadians is funny to me because the love is always underneath. It's like you and your friend ranking on each other's mama. Hey Canada! Your mama's got a glass titty with a goldfish innit! Rikishi carries Test and hits a fabulous Superkick. Lance needs better punches to pull off being TRULY evil.
- Jesus Fucking Christ, the Nidia/Jamie Knoble/ Tajiri section is fucking motherfucking fucking great. Jamie Noble is best thing on TV. Tajiri needs to grow his hair out and start wearing a denim jacket. WHAT THEY REEEAAAAALY NEED TO DO: is- and a friend of mine used to rent trailers in Jarrett, Virginia and I useta help him clean them out after the families would abandon them- have Jamie Noble write poetry about Nidia. Y'see there is a thin line between what goes through the mind of your drunk angry redneck and what causes a redneck to write LIGHT IN AUGUST. There is a very thin line between the guy who greases trucks in Portsmouth, Virginia telling you shit about his life and the complete songwriting of Ronnie Van Zant. It all comes down to levels of drugs and inhalants imbibed, how much of an assbeating your old man useta give you and how soon you got your first piece of pussy. If Noble is a true redneck and he REALLY digs fucking Nidia, there would be a piece of notebook paper on the refrigerator with a heartfelt poem on it. The tagmatch was basically Cruiserweight tag by numbers- except shorter.
- The tagmatch wasn't very long. Who is this John Cena guy? Five minutes isn't gonna be enough time to get over the story of Cena and UT tagging. At least not long enough for you to give a shit about it. Angle bumps like a complete weirdo anyway. Can Of Crowd seemed to cheer at the right times. The Cena vs Jericho feud was started well- as the Cena pin was pretty gutsy booking. Okay maybe they did get a lot done in five minutes.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
- Undertaker as grumpy old fucker isn't nearly as fun as Undertaker as aging Southern Rock bassplayer. And it was crabby bitter annoying Undertaker for skit after skit after skit after skit...
- Torie and Molly do a little skit at the beach and it should have been filled with hate and bitchiness and made me all hurty in my groinular area- wanting Molly the ostricized off-beat beauty to beat the shit out of the leathery strippers of the rest of the Laaaaadies division. Fuck, Molly could have a whole Sissy Spacek in Carrie thing going for her if they understood the estrogen-drenched hatred that can develop between women. Meanwhile, this seemed more like a screentest for VIP or something. They should study redneck women wrestling and call each other names and feather their hair more and WHY THE FUUUUUCK ARE NEITHER OF THESE WOMEN COMING OUT TO THE RING TO WHITE WINGED DOVE BY STEVIE NICKS? Do these shitheads at the WWF understand REAL women AT ALL. Do these people understand what IIIII want to see? I SAY THEE NAAAAAAAAAAY.
- The Rock kinda went on and on and on... and then Busta Rhymes came out and it went on and on. And they plug some movies and do some singing and I wonder where the Undertaker is with his chairs or motorcycle or whatever he has that can end the endlessness of this. Endless. Endless... and then they set up the three way. They go on and on and on and on. Oh wait! The Rock vs Angle on the TV! This would have worked if they didn't take forever to get to the assorted beatdowns. And Undertaker's hideously bad chokeslams would have kept it all under the Mendoza Line.
- Why is Vince trying to fuck what's her name with the cameraman sitting right here. Would it be for TELEVISION FUNNIEST GAFFS AND BLOOPERS! "Here we have Vince McMahon finally getting Stacey's dress off- OOPS! He must have the safety off because that little pistol just blew the mayonnaise all over her knee! HAHAHA! Ah, Godspeed, you twisted old fart...."
Ah yes, Bischoff's still chasing his dream of becoming a Hollywood producer. At least this has a better chance of airing than "Chowdaheads" or whatever that animated project him and Hervey were working on was called.